Thank you, WiLdSoNg. I appreciate all the kind words and you sharing your vision of me. I think I definitely don't handle a lot of things with poise, but I'm glad to have made that impression on someone.

Also, in this case, it's something that happened with my partner that made me feel this way. Idk if you've really been keeping up with what I've been saying about it (plus I just don't share every detail) but it's not a very stable relationship still (entirely my fault, too). I have so much insecurity and fear and anxiety, especially when it comes to being vulnerable with someone I care so about and it drives me to do/say some very stupid things and push them away because I feel like I don't deserve their affection, and they deserve so much better than what I have to give. I hate it, but there's a viscous cycle that I engage in, but somehow we're still together so I guess that's kind of good, even if it kind of hurts both of us? Idk, they really don't want to break up, and I really don't want to be alone either and I really care about them, so I guess it works out alright.

I'm sorry you're going through this buddy :(

If it comes down to it there's always the option of cutting it yourself, although that might not be a good idea. Also, can you explain to her just how much you hate having longer hair and how you don't like how it looks now? That you'd rather have short hair, which plenty of people regardless of gender have? Would she be placated at all by that? Would expressing just how horrible it makes you feel convince her? I would argue that my well-being comes before whatever societal expectations she would rather me conform to. I was also thinking that basically having her realise that this doesn't necessarily have to do with gender (even though I'm sure it does) might make her a little more lenient. Idk though. If I could make parents/caretakers allow their kids to affirm themselves and make decisions that help them feel more comfortable, I would have done that in a heartbeat, but alas, it is incredibly difficult. I haven't figured it out either.

What I did what take scissors to my hair at three in the morninng and hope it came oit alright. Yes, my mother was furious, and yes, now all the scissors in the house are kept hidden, but I still find ways, and can get help from friends (once when it was getting longer again I borrowed my friend's scissors and we cut it in the school bathroom lol). I'm not suggesting you do that, but I'm just saying, there are ways, even if they don't make your family happy. And in just a few years you'll be able to do whatever you want anyway, and won't have to worry about them.

Omg speaking of cutting hair, my partner cut their hair yesterday (it's already pretty short, but they cut the "sideburns" to being basically non-existent TAT. I hope they don't get in trouble with their father. He's already like "Idk what the kids at school are telling you, but you're a female. You were born with those parts, so that's what you are." while they identify as male. I kinda worry if he finds out that we're dating (or that I exist, really) he'll think I'm a bad influence >w<

hey! sorry this is so late, but here's a suggestion: get a wolfcut 

trust me on this one. u can get a long wolfcut but put the back part of it behind ur shoulders and have just the side layers out. there's this girl named angelina (angelina.zhq (?) on insta i believe) and there are some good ref pics of what a wolfcut can look like. def not short-short hair but will be a good semi-win-win solution maybe? 

i mean def look at the ref pics before deciding  

also by "supportive" i mean maybe not completely. like they're okay with it kind of, in theory, but also there have been lectures about how disturbing a lot of it is and i need to be careful, and they are like "where are you getting this from?" but in this really attack-y way like i'm making all of it up, and they pretty clearly think it's a mental health thing, and like i said they basically haven't actually called me my name or anything, and probably more. and i don't know anyone who's like, really queer-friendly instead of just "not actively hateful" and so there are little things that hurt every time, and idk. i kind of wish they actually completely hated queer people (well my dad might but he's not super open about it) because then it would at least make sense, and they would hate that instead of just hating me. and i don't know that they do hate me, but i don't care. i mean, they certainly don't help with the "me hating myself" thing. they don't want me to have mental health issues, but they only care if it becomes annoying for them, and they'll only make them worse, instead of helping.  what even counts as unsupportive anyway? i mean they'll let me do whatever (like getting my hair cut wasn't even an issue, i'd needed a haircut anyway ig, who knows) but not until it effects them (like needing to find clothes that are less dysphoric. but they're not against it, necessarily. also, they'll be like "you'll wear the clothes you have!" and yes i do, and they are the bane of my existence)

the worst part is even if they were completely supportive and everything there was great everything else would still be the same. it wouldn't make anything better other than that. like the freaking out thing would still exist just with different things. so ig it feels worse than just this, anyway, but i still wish this was worse. and now i feel compelled to actually explain all of it but tbh it never feels bad enough anyway, and sometimes the admins won't post all of it anyway

and none of this matters anyway

idk i feel like all of this is making it sound both better and worse than it is but idk i just hate all of this. some of the time everything is fine. i mean i haven't told them most of this. i haven't told them most things. i'm scared to even tell them things i'm interested in beyond the major obvious ones i can't control. but, telling them any of this would be a legitimately horrible idea.

admins, please edit the bare minimum of this that you can.