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ConfessionsC
Confessions
Confess your deepest secrets here, anonymously, if you'd prefer
I won't judge
submitted by Anonymous, age x, x
(October 15, 2020 - 1:43 pm)
(October 15, 2020 - 1:43 pm)
Okay, so this is probably not going to be exactly what you want to hear, but it’s important to me that I say it, because I care about you and I think there truly is something (many things) to be taken out of public schooling (and participating in the larger public rather than being a hermit as you referred to).
But first, yes, here are your virtual hugs, because some days just suck and everyone hates public school sometimes and what you just did was really hard. *aforementioned virtual hugs*
Now let me repeat that part. What you just did was really hard. You just took a HUGE step out of your comfort zone.
But why rush back before you know what else is beyond it? It’s awesome that you already know there’s a life that would make you totally happy. But what if there’s something out there that can make you happy, too?
Also: how is it fair at all to these kids, all of whom you’ve just met, to assume that absolutely NONE of them are like you in any way AT ALL and none of them want to hang out with you? For one thing, that’s probably not true. There’s plenty of people out there for you, and it’s pretty likely at least a few of them are in this school, actually.
But there’s also another thing: does it matter if they’re like you in every way? What if you meet a super nice girl who really cares about environmentalism and her favorite book is Love and Gelato and she knows some awesome country/folk bands… but she chooses to use social media and actually finds value in it?
Why is there only one “right” right thing? Why does “doing the right thing” need to look one specific way? If the super nice girl has contributed a lot to her community and helped spread the word about climate change, why does it matter if she likes using social media? Would that really make you not want to be her friend?
I mean, it’s awesome that you connect with all of us on the CB well, but we’re not all just like you either. I use social media, and my music taste is generally pretty different from yours. I also care about some different causes than you do. But I also love writing, just like you, and I think climate change is a really big deal, and we both like Jason Isbell.
Public school is one of the most diverse places for a young person to find themself. I’ve met a girl who would sometimes be absent because she missed the bus and her car would break a lot but they couldn’t afford to fix it properly or get a new one. I met a boy who didn’t know whose dad wasn’t in his life at all - and I watched him sit quietly off to the side when we were elementary schoolers making Father’s Day cards. I talked to a disabled girl who expressed her anger that nobody would ever let her do anything because they thought she couldn’t. All of these people - and many more - have changed my perspective. Some of the people I met in public school changed my life, and how I see the world. They’re not all like me; in fact, often we don’t have much in common. But I’m glad I met every single one of them, because even though I didn’t always like them or connect with them or feel they understood me, they offered me new ways of seeing the world. Nobody on Earth experiences life the same way. You have to let other people tell you who they are - don’t decide for them.
It’s true that this a totally different (and flawed) way of learning, but not everything about it is bad. To answer your question, here’s what one might learn from making and giving a presentation (putting dashes in cause the bullet points I put don't go through)
Group projects suck. I complain about them a lot, but something a teacher said to me once has stuck with me. It was along the lines of “working with people you don’t really like or even know very well is a skill.” And it’s true. Most every career, including the ones you mentioned, will probably require interaction with other people. You’re not going to like all of them, and you don’t ever have to, but you will have to work with them. It’s probably good to start learning how to be around people you don’t always like or connect with all the time now. It’s also probably good that you learn how to be in a place you don’t like all the time. My dad says, “being uncomfortable is an important thing to be able to do,” and I think that’s true. That doesn’t mean you should be miserable all the time, though! See if maybe you can eat outside or in a room with good windows, perhaps. Most schools allow you to, especially if you’re a junior or a senior, but often if you’re a sophomore and even sometimes a freshman.
And another thing is - it’s still just the first few classes! You might learn that these teachers are better than they seem. My first impression of one of my favorite teachers I’ve ever had was that she was dismissive and ignorant, but I later realized that she actually was totally appreciative of - and fascinated by - the many ways people think. She taught me so much about how to look at problems and persevere through solving them. Maybe this goal setting teacher actually thinks deeper than you know. There are some people who need to set goals and use a time frame for them. It really helps my sister get things done. It’s not because she’s dumb or doesn’t think deeply - my sister’s great at making connections, and she’s really smart and funny. It’s just that setting goals helps her feel she’s moving towards something specific, and it makes things less stressful for her. She says, “I like setting goals because I know what I’m working towards. If I don’t know what I’m working towards, I don’t feel motivated, and I don’t get any work done at all.” I don’t really like setting goals, and that’s fine too. We’re both smart people with valuable thoughts who deserve respect, but we think and work differently. Maybe ask the teacher why they think setting goals is valuable and how you should go about it. It won’t necessarily make you magically love setting goals, but at least you’ll understand why your teacher thinks it’s a good skill.
Try to make some friends. Don’t be scared away by people who don’t have much in common with you or don’t seem to be “on your wavelength”; you can still be friends with them and connect with them, and you can learn from each other. See if your school has any of these clubs, classes, or associations involved with it, as they seem right up your alley and will probably lead you to people you’ll get along with (putting numbers because I don't think the bullet points will go through, sorry if it looks weird)
Now when all is said and done, does all of this mean you have to grow up and get an office job, live in a big apartment building in a huge gray city, and otherwise do stuff you’d never want to do all the time? Of course it doesn’t. If you have a set of values and a general idea of what direction you want to go in life, you don’t need to push them aside. All I’m saying is, you really can get something out of going off the path you see for yourself and seeing what else there is. And if eventually you come back to that path and keep moving forward in the same direction you were going originally, that’s okay, because you’ll still have learned new things and had new experiences. No matter what you do, none of it was for nothing. You’re not going to change completely, but it’s okay (and even good) to change a little. Let other people change you for the better, but never be afraid to leave if they’re changing you for the worse. Also know that you can listen to their ideas, experiences, and opinions without letting them change you at all.
So please, don’t give up on your school just yet. I’m so proud of you for doing this, even though it’s hard and you don’t like it, and maybe you don’t feel you’re ready for such a big change, because as Lemony Snicket said, “If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.”
Mostly what I’m saying is, give it some more time. It’s going to be okay no matter what you do, but I think you can learn something here that doesn’t come from a textbook or a PowerPoint (that was so corny lol)
I hope this didn’t sound ignorant or rude. I’m not trying to dismiss your feelings or your worries. I just truly think you can get something out of this. You’re stronger than you know <3
(August 28, 2024 - 10:00 am)
Thank you so much guys I knew you would have good advice :) I was tired and sleepy and I probably wasn't thinking entirely logically when I wrote my rant, but I was definitely sad and when I feel like that it helps so much to have friends like you :)
@Admin, thank you for your message :) I hope things got better with your thunderstorm...
@Hex, you had a really interesting perspective that I hadn't really thought of before, and very good advice. Thank you so much, it did indeed help me :)
@Peri, thank you so muchhhh what you said was very helpful. It's been said before but I'll say it again: you're so good at counseling and helping people, and it means a lot to me. I agree with all your points, and yeah, I don't think it's impossible that I'll find good friends at this school - oh, and I wouldn't refuse to be someone's friend just because she used social media, of course. I just want to find someone who's a good person, which I haven't really been able to do very often yet :/ Oh, and the idea about clubs is really good! My school prides itself on its clubs, actually, and I do want to look into them at some point. (And I haven't forgotten about your idea of joining the Girl Scouts, I need to look into that too!) Anyway, I think you had great advice and your encouragement really helped me :)
@Zealatom, same thing goes for you - your advice is great, and I appreciate your encouragement more than you know. (And I'm glad things got better for you in your school!)
Anyway, it seems like this is one of those things where everyone unanimously agrees... I talked to my parents and was like "I'm unhappyyyyy" and they said literally exactly the same thing as y'all did: keep going and see if it gets better, and try to take advantage of the good things, and challenge myself a bit (I think my mom has the exact same philosophy as your dad, @Peri :) ). And I do agree that I should give it a try for at least a bit longer. And it's not like it's all bad, either. There's one class I absolutely love - the teacher is a very bright, warm, energetic woman, and she teaches us really interesting things and the other students seem nice - plus we apparently get to go on field trips, on a bus, with a bus driver who tells stories!! Also today i had a long conversation about movies, and then spent a while doing a very embarrassing but fun assignment, with some of the other students, and it was really fun. i've also reached a decision which is to try to hold on to the things I already have, while building on them and appreciating the new things. Part of the reason I was so upset, though I didn't get time to elaborate on it earlier, was that I feel like if my environment changes and I don't have enough free time, I'll lose my ability to write the novels I've been working on for months - if my environment and inner self change, I might lose interest, or not be able to visualize my characters anymore. It's happened before, and I think it was the thought of losing my writing that was most upsetting for me. I really, really don't want to lose the people and worlds I've lived with and thought about and characterized for months, even if they're just imaginary. But I'm hopefully going to try to hang onto them, and to the other stuff in my life that's important to me. I've been feeling a lot better adjusted these past couple of days - and anyway, I know I can't tell what it'll be like right away, so I do want to stay and figure it out and try to get something good out of it!
Anyway, thanks again. I know I keep saying this, but you guys are just the best, and I'm so lucky to have you as friends. Love you /p :D
(I just realized that I'm suddenly actually looking forward to going to school tomorrow....?)
I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better, Poinsettia. The thunderstorm passed with no harm done, and we got 2 1/2 inches of much-needed rain.
Admin
(August 29, 2024 - 8:52 pm)
ha a thought just occurred to me - I want to write more, but I can't because I've got to go to bed so I can get up early so I can go back to that --blasted school. See? That school isn't even letting me rant about it :(((((
(August 27, 2024 - 9:08 pm)
Oh dear, I hope you're alright Poinsettia. You're one of the most talented people I've met. I'm sure you're bound to shine wherever you choose to be. *Sends positivitea and hugs and pie*
From my point of view it would be best to put everything together and make some comparisons between life with going to a school and one without. Starting from a logical point of view could help give you a new perspective of the situation, since the human mind does often yearn for the familar comfort zone instead of new territory. From what I could defer from the information in your post, I'll try my best to list a few suggestions.
Firstly I totally get the feeling of suddenly being thrown into a new world that is mechanical and just downright unfriendly with you, but that is the way it is in the system of education. It happened to me in the first semester of high school, so I'll be taking a page out of Lin Yutang's book here and paraphrasing it because I had to return it to the library last week so I don't have the actual sentence to copy down: Education is a business, and schools are factories, and students are the product. And like real factories, they have brands to their name. There are big brands and small brands, but the same thing is that they all need to show the public that they're good and high-quality. And so to prove that, they need their products to meet qualifications. And that is why there are grades and tests and diplomas and homework and whatnot to torture students. Ok he put that in a much better way than I did but its mostly the same thing. What I want to say here is that yes: It is completely normal for schools to have tons of homework every day and race through the semester's textbooks faster than the Blitzkrieg waged on Poland while the teachers expect you to finish everything like you're the flash himself (At least here on the other side of the world it is so). It is completely normal to be confronted with a lot of seemingly useless work. Just bear in mind that the teachers don't want to give you homework either because it also means work for them. They're just doing their job. The root of the cause is way back there, in the entire education system. Yes, learning is a journey. But also yes, the education system has turned it into a race. As someone stuck in it, I can only say that going with the flow as best one can while keeping body and soul intact was my choice. Learning is a lifelong undertaking indeed, but in this case one is required to develop speed.
Not to exaggerate. I must say however that that thing is not the only thing to be found in school, one just needs to take time to search for hidden jewels. There are much more aspects of school than the unfeeling system and many have benefits to one's mental and physical health and how we develop as human beings. Humans are social animals, that is our nature, and we need connections to stay sane. 'We live in a scociety!' is a fact of life, which is why I personally believe that having 'meh' connections are as important as the intimate ones we hold dear because they all play a role in our social circle. Also friends. I'm sorry that I don't have a lot to offer on this topic because I don't really have any ones that are real close and 'are on the same wavelength as me' like I've hoped to meet, but having one or two people you know enough to fall back on and help get you through bad days in school are a real comfort. (I'd like to be a hermit too, but sadly I don't have the fortune to live in ancient china and own a plot of rice to farm. We cope with how things are these days.)
-There is always a period of adjustment upon entering a new world; what matters is how quickly one can recover and grow to fill the new space, or how quickly one quits exploring it to lessen the damage it does to oneself. It is completely normal that you couldn't 'realize' the effect that a new enviroment would have on your life. No one can truly imagine a foreign world without having been in it beforehand. I agree with admin here. Tough the first week or so out as best you can without pushing yourself too hard. Then once you've decided you've seen enough, take a step back and see if you belong. As the person who slept above me in our dorm liked to say: 'School is the place where we go to seek knowledge...but no one said who we should seek it from.' Teachers are certainly not the only source you must listen to in school. If they aren't good enough, you can turn to your classmates or ask your mom for help!
-I'm not entirerly familiar with the system in the USA but I'll be assuming it's mostly the same as mine. When I started high school (it's a boarding school) I had to live in a dormitory and was bombarded with tons of homework every singe day as well. And the schedule of each day began at 6:15 in the morn' and ended with us doing exersizes in the classroom until 10:00 PM before we could head back and sleep. I didn't have time to write at all. And it nearly killed me mentally but I kept toughing it out because I didn't want to lag behind. To skip a lot of ugly mental breakdowns and keep things short I fell into a state of mild depression before we moved to nearer the school and I could head back home to sleep, manage my time and WRITE. I sacrificed some homework in doing so but overall my grades began to improve instead of plummeting. The key here, so I believe, is to find a balance point between school and personal intrestes while upholding the most important element: your well-being comes before everything, and then your improvement. I hope you found this enlightening at the very least.
Maybe for now school might seem to head in the opposite way as the core values of the IB, but I've heard (bec I'm not in one yet) that in university the focus changes to them. The important thing is not 'how quickly can you solve this' but 'you think you can solve this in the next few years? Can it be solved in the first place?' where innovative thinking and much more is required. I think you're every lucky to have been educated following the IB which focuses much more on deep thinking. If you decide to stay in school you might not shine too brightly in terms of grades, but if you persist into university I'm 100% sure you'll take to it like a duck in water.
Right. I might have forgotten to adress some aspects in your post but this is all I can manage bec it's eleven PM here and I need to sleep. Lastly I want to remind you that whatever I said above, its only my opinion and not yours. Take what you need and ignore what you don't! We are all here on the CB rooting for you whatever choice you make!
Zealatom
(August 28, 2024 - 10:10 am)
hello.
i face revealed yesterday in a server im in on a certain app without thinking. i know, i know, internet safety rules--i'm very dense to face reveal in a server with random people.
but my thought process was that it would be funny, because i almost instantly deleted the picture (purposefully. it was supposed to be quick).
but apparently my online "friend" screenshotted it and had it saved.
so i of course went to DMs (direct messages) and asked (BEGGED) for them to please please delete it, i'm not supposed to have my face out there, i was just joking around, please please i'm very serious right now sort of thing.
they said no. they were sort of joking about it, but eventually i wore them down. i asked them to please send a video of them deleting it so i could be sure, and i explained i was very meticulous about this sort of thing.
they wouldn't send a video.
so i asked for a screenshot of it being deleted.
and they sent it, and it wasn't in their screenshots folder (they didn't show me their trash folder).
they claimed it just "disappeared" without them deleting it or anything when they pasted my selfie into my DMs (they sent it to me).
and i was like "so you swear that it's gone?" (i couldnt do anything else)
and they said yes.
and im at a loss for what to do. i left the server, deleted my account, etc. it's gone. everything's gone.
but now i'm scared they might be using it (it was just a normal selfie of me staring at the camera, nothing weird) or posting it without my knowledge.
and i can't tell my parents because they don't even know i'm bi and it was in a queer server and i'm not even supposed to be talking with random people.
what do i do??
i hope they're not doing anything with it and i know the chances of them doing stuff with it are low but i'm just paranoid and scared.
i can contact them if i make a new acc and stuff, but i dont want to--plus they claim it's gone and theres nothing i can do.
i'm just scared. do you think theyll do something with it? like what if im famous one day and they use that selfie to show that i'm bi or something or if i'm applying for a job and the job sees that and i don't get a job and my life is ruined because of it (unlikely--again, it was literally just a normal selfie, i'm just paranoid. :( )
help!!
admins PLEASE POST THIS. i know i'm an idiot about internet safety and i should have learned my lesson from my irl friends and oversharing (nothing bad) but i didn't and im an idiot SO HELP PLEASE
i also want to start an online channel with my account name, but they could show that to my channel and expose my face (i wouldnt have my face in my channel). so i'm also scared for that.
(August 28, 2024 - 8:41 pm)
okay first of all those moderators are obviously not good people. they should at least be showing more consideration for your feelings, and they should definitely be deleting that photo, which it seems they haven't done (or at least, they might not have). I am very angry at them on your behalf because that kind of shifty behavior is inexcusable.
Second, I would say just tell your parents. they might seem mad, but i promise they care about your welfare and they'll hopefully know how to fix things - maybe they can intervene with the moderators, or report the moderators to someone. what i'm trying to say is, they might get mad at you, but they will protect you, or try to, and that's what you need right now, because this does sound like a serious situation. so definitely tell them what happened (and if they get upset, tell them that it was a mistake on your part and you know better now).
after that, maybe try not to socialize on online servers. this one obviously has some shady people - first of all, your "friend" who saved the picture without asking you (that seems inconsiderate at the very least, and inappropriate in the worst case), and second, the moderators, who are not doing their job well at all. Honestly though, socializing online in general isn't a good idea. You just don't know what random awful people are out there. Even if you hadn't face revealed, you'd still be giving your time and friendship to those people. The CB is different, of course, thanks to our wonderful admins (thank you, admins!) and also the fact that it's for the readers of a children's literary magazine, not just random people. But other ways of socializing online - just no.
Anyway, there isn't very much you can do about it, and I don't think it's extremely likely that the selfie will ruin your life later on. Even if it does get shown to other people or something, it won't be your fault. You're a kid who made a mistake, as we all do *says the ancient grandma* and you shouldn't feel bad or ashamed of yourself if that photo gets used for nefarious purposes. The people who should feel bad are the moderators and the person who saved it in the first place. You are not in the wrong, and I hope you won't let yourself be inhibited by anything that may be done with that photo. That said, it's not a certainty that anything will be done with the photo at all, which makes the situation even better.
I'm really sorry this happened. I totally understand how you must feel, and it's definitely a really upsetting experience. *virtual hugs* but, to reassure you, I really don't think there's any chance it'll ruin your life - I hope that makes you feel better. I'm sure it'll work out. And the CB will support you whatever happens <3
(August 29, 2024 - 9:07 pm)
I think I just finally realised why the whole "you can't love someone else until you love yourself" is actually kinda true. Like I always thought that was ridiculous because like, you can totally care about people and be a mess yourself who hates everything about yourself, right? Take me as an example.
But I just kinda figured it out that like, yes, you can care, but you can't properly love someone if you're a ball of self-loathing; it'll never work out for very long. It won't be an effective relationship because you'll always be too scared to commit for real even after you promise this time will be different, you'll push them away like you always do and it'll be over until the next cycle. You'll think it'll be fine because you finally got yourself put together, even if you do still detest yourself, but this time will be different. But it won't. Because you still hate yourself and haven't solved the real problem. You're still going to end up panicking and pushing those who matter away when everyone involved needs each other most. When the pressure gets put on, you'll fall apart again, just in a different way, and it'll be a disaster again.
Idk maybe this is stupid and everyone already knows this. Maybe its just me.
(September 3, 2024 - 3:11 pm)
Oh no Jaybells :((
It sounds like something happened (which I hope it didn't). I don't have much advice, but sending you tons of warm hugs and support and positivitea and hope that it all works out :)
(September 5, 2024 - 7:42 pm)
i'm so tired. that's it, i'm just really tired all the time. it's not even a real problem but sometimes it just feels like there isn't any point to anything. and i've been trying so hard to improve things and it just doesn't make a difference. i know some things have changed but it all feels the same. and it all drags on forever and i'm so tired. but also like school hasn't even gotten stressful and everything's going okay. idk what i'm even saying lol idk i'm just tired...
thank you for coming to my ted talk
(September 3, 2024 - 9:57 pm)
*hugs* I'm sorry, I don't know how to help. But I promise that there is a point to things! Even if that point is simply making a difference in someone's day, making them smile or laugh or something. I say this because you consistently make me smile/laugh and make my day, and pull me out of slumps. So yes, in my perspective, there is a point. Also idk because I don't diagnose people but do you think you have depression? It sounds a lot like it to me, and idk maybe you've considered it or something and I don't remember, but if so, or even if not (as in if you really think you don't have depression), have you thought about therapy? I know it isn't always the best, but have you tried it? And I know you said it isn't even a real problem, but even if you feel like it isn't really anything, I think you should try if you can and haven't already. Maybe it'll help, or at least make things marginally better?? But yeah idk... But if you ever need anything or want to just rant or anything, please feel free to talk to me (and I promise I will make a timely response)! Love you sm, and sending many little sea sheep to be your loyal, maybe a bit stalker-y, but adorably cute so iT dOeSn'T mAtTeR (says I, the person who is not getting followed) followers your way <33
(September 3, 2024 - 11:21 pm)
Haha welcome to depression. Idk what I can say to help because honestly I have the same struggle that I haven't been able to shake. I know you've probably heard this a million times, but we do care about you, and would love to see you grow. It's gonna be tough, but try to revel in the good points; even if it's just enjoying a nice cup of tea, or taking a shower at the right temperature, or relaxing with friends, or taking the time to feel proud of what you do achieve. I know all of that can be really hard when everything seems really bleak, though. Believe me. I know what it feels like to not want to go on (I literally have to fight that every day) and just melt into a puddle of goo. I'm sure that there are people around you other than us who also care, and if you feel comfortable with letting someone you trust know about this, you might be able to get therapy or meds or at least some helpful advice.
For me, it's always hard to give advice about helping depression, because I've had it for as long as I can remember and it's honestly amazing I'm still around between my physical and mental health struggles. So much of the advice I hear just doesn't help and it's super frustrating because I either feel like I'm the problem or people aren't taking me seriously. All I can say is that you matter and are loved; try to push on for one more hour, then another, then into a tomorrow, then the next day. Try to distract yourself when you're not busy doing the essentials (ie school/homework), do something that brings you even the smallest amount of joy. If you're tired, sleep, (but try not to oversleep, that will only make it worse). Anything to get to tomorrow. Idk maybe not the healthiest advice, but it's kept me alive this long so I mean I've gotta be doing something right.
(September 4, 2024 - 7:08 pm)
thanks, both of you <3 (also have more rambles about only semi-related stuff, but don't feel pressured to respond ofc idk)
honestly I'm doing fine and will keep doing (I do use your strategy to get to the next hour, then the next day, etc, Jay... :/ ), it's just hard sometimes. and I guess I have a therapist now even if I've only met her like twice and tbh really hate talking about problems I have while she sits there and smiles at me and makes empty promises. and the only thing she knows about me is ~gender~ because it's too much work to tell her about anything else (so we just sit there for an hour and she tells me I need to explore more and i'm like ahhh what if i already know my family'd hate me... but that's unrelated lol). and i have told friends about a lot of things i guess but last year that led up to mom figuring out about queer stuff and other things and that was really awful and now we mostly pretend nothing ever happened but sometimes it still hurts and i can't do anything about it because i'm scared to trust people now and anyway i hate social interaction and online is a no-go and idk. wow that was very run-on
idk this is all to say i'm a mess and i hate it. because school is going to get so much more stressful and i can't afford to feel anything negative yet (or like ever haha) which obviously isn't healthy coping but idk what else to do.
i should've went anon oh well
peace out y'all :) I swear I'm actually fine lol
(September 4, 2024 - 11:18 pm)
Hmm... if you think your current therapist isn't working for you, do you think you could maybe meet a new therapist? Or since you've only met her two times, maybe see if anything improves? Idk. And if you feel like she's trustworthy (which, also maybe if you don't feel like you trust her, you should also consider getting a new therapist if possible?), and if you at all think it'll help, maybe try telling her about the other stuff, too? If you feel like it's too much work in the moment, maybe write everything down beforehand or smth?? Again, irdk. And yeahh family stuff :/ Idk how to help you with that. And yeah trusting people. I think you should at least be able to go to/trust your therapist, because I mean, that's what she's there for, but about trusting other people... idk. I feel like only you can really decide that, idk. But it really is good to be able to trust other people.
About school, if you mean it'll be stressful because of the work load, maybe try to talk to your teachers this year about like extensions and help and stuff? And I don't recommend procrastinating at all---I started going by that this year, and it's really helped school become less stressful for me. Plus, even though I technically have a lot of homework due tomorrow, I'm able to come on here and write this post because I did everything the day it was assigned. So now I have a free day of no homework (idk if that's something that's possible at your school, but I mean, it's still good to have everything completed as soon as possible. And if you still struggle with sleep, it really helped me sleep mostly at least 7 hours every day, since getting all my stuff done right when I get home means no more late nights studying or early mornings frantically finishing assignments---ofc, I don't know how much your work load is, so). Actually, sidenote, definitely try to prioritize sleep if you can. I try not to be on the CB late at night anymore, so I'm getting a lot more sleep now, which is great. Also, if possible, it really helps to be super curious and into what you're learning---and it sounds sort of weird, but when I do homework now, I like to think that I'm doing it for fun and in order to learn, instead of me doing it for school and because it's due tomorrow and I have to do this ahhh (this also helps me for procrastination). Like that seriously helps me, but irdk.
(September 5, 2024 - 7:34 pm)
Just popping in to state a vErY cOnTrOvErSiAl oPiNiOn~ well, not really an opinion, more of a reference to what psychologists are saying nowadays? Just yesterday I saw a news article featuring several letters from psychologists, who said that they've seen that psychology and counseling actually make the problem worse. Which is what my own experience has also seemed to show. Anyway, I think we can trust them on this - at least, if you trust them enough to ask them to help you when you're depressed, you can trust them enough to not ask them to help you if they say you shouldn't. One of them recommended community and fun and social support, instead of counseling, which is exactly what I've been saying for ages. Anyway, if you feel sad, maybe try one of those - I know our society makes it so darn hard to get the social support and the community that we all need, but maybe you could try asking your family to give you more active support, or your friends. Or try volunteering for a cause that you're interested in! Maybe you can at least give to the community that way.
I know that the way things are structured right now, it just gets really easy to be depressed; the world problems that nobody's fixing; the way people you thought were your friends seem capable of brushing you aside out of nowhere; the way some people never even act like your friends in the first place; the way there's so much work and stress everywhere. But! You can get through it. One of the most important things is just to eat and sleep well, and make sure you have enough Vitamin D. And, like Jaybells said, try to find the little things that make you happy. It sounds like the things that are really weighing you down are school and your queer experiences; well, just try to convince yourself that they don't really matter. Don't ignore them, because obviously they're there, but just try to logic it out and ask yourself if they are really worth getting depressed about. (I know you like to work with logic, as I do, so that's why I'm suggesting this method.) Go for a walk on a sunny day and look at the things surrounding you; the gorgeous sky, the sweet grannies walking their adorable dogs, the smell of autumn leaves; and then think about the things awaiting you: an exciting new fantasy book, a poem waiting to be written, a thrilling new song that you want to listen to. I've learned that these little things are the ones that really make up life; as long as they're okay, you will be too. Because the big things are great, and they grab our attention, but they're not what makes up the fabric of your life. It's like if you stuck a couple of sequins onto an Indian sari; the sequins are bright and shiny and you might look at them first, but ultimately, if they lose their brightness, you've still got the sari, which is gorgeous too and it's what was taking up most of the space anyway.
Also, if you're tired, really really try to sleep!! I know you might not be able to, but I'd say that would be the number one priority, because if you're tired, it's almost inevitable to feel depressed. I went straight off the deep end just last week because I wasn't getting enough sleep and I was all foggy with tiredness. It may not be due to your worldview or your environment or anything, it might be simply that you need more sleep, which at least gives you a really simple solution.
I hope this helped :) I know you said you're actually fine, but I just wanted to add my two cents, and I hope everything comes out better than fine :)
(September 5, 2024 - 7:39 pm)
I get therapy not really working well. I've been doing therapy and switching therapists for 10 years and still haven't found anything that works super well. I mean, sometimes I can rant, but most session are not that productive and kinda repetitive. There are also things I just don't want to talk about or don't really trust the person to understand. Also, my current therapist keeps on trying to get me to have a family session explaining the gender/sexuality stuff and I always give a firm no, but it keeps coming up. (TvT) Or like find triggers to my depressive states, which idk there usually isn't one. It just happens, so I have nothing to tell her. A lot of session are legit me staring at the floor and giving one-to-three answer responses.
Don't worry, we can be messes who hate ourselves together!! :D
Seriously, I do get needing to not have problems in order to be productive, but still beigna mess and really struggling. All I can say for now is that I hope things get better. *virtual hugs*
(September 6, 2024 - 9:15 am)