I just got back from Ben's memorial (the classmate who drowned two weeks ago) and I'm pretty sad. Tomorrow I start school again and it's going to be really weird and quiet without him. 

I'm so sorry to hear about this, Wildsong. I'm sure it was a comfort to Ben's family to have you there.

Admin

Large tasks seem intimidating; the best I seem to be able to complete these days are little side quests. I am disappointed with how tired, distracted, and unmotivated I have found myself. Hopefully it goes away soon… 

Help I feel awful and weird and just awful. You see before you a person who is feeling very bedraggled in spirit, wrought-up in mind, and utterly downcast.

okay I guess that sounded dramatic but I really do feel awful. 

So. Classes started yesterday. I got up, got dressed, and rushed off to school. And I did not like it.

I've been homeschooled since I finished second grade, and I've gotten used to it and I like it. Trying to adjust to a different system of learning is a complete revolution to me. It's not like I'm not interested in learning or that I'm lazy. I love learning. But I'm just utterly dismayed at the kind of learning that I'm supposed to be doing. I have to rush through huge numbers of readings, I have to give presentations, I have to work on projects. How am i supposed to learn anything through giving a presentation, for goodness' sakeeeeee???????!!!!!!!!! I would much rather just sit down with a textbook or a teacher and learn the darned stuff, not have to sit around with a group of people and work out how to make PowerPoint work and what images to use and all that. Plus I completely disapprove of some of my teachers. I've been educated using the International Baccalaureate system, and its main focus is on critical/creative thinking, principles such as being balanced and reflective, and on many other things that try to teach you to think deeply and well. I don't say I think "better" than anyone, but I do have to say that some of my teachers have very evidently never heard of even trying to think deeply. And I'm not saying it to be hurtful, it's not their fault what kind of education they received, but it's just a fact. Literally for my first assignment in one class, I had to turn in a worksheet explaining my three "goals", all of which had to be specific, measurable, and time-oriented! Like what is the point in having them be measurable and time-oriented? First of all, I don't really hold with the whole "setting goals" thing that much: you should just be open to the learning process. It's not a competition, it's a journey. Second, if you're going to set some goals, well, all right, but they should be personally meaningful and help you to develop as a person or just get more out of your life and education. The most meaningful results of an education are the ones that can't possibly be measured with numbers and measuring rods, and I think that is the core of what this teacher doesn't understand.

So there's that. But the worst thing is that it's just such a huge change in my lifestyle. It's not like I'm totally rushed off my feet (knock on wood) or I wouldn't be writing this, but I have to get up early, zoom through breakfast at top speed, and take a very dismal and disagreeable drive to get there, after which I have to sit for hours in a dreary classroom that sometimes doesn't even have windows, with about twenty people who aren't interested in me and who quite frankly I'm not interested in either, and do this for the entire first part of the day, until I get to go home and then I get to sit at my computer and work on all my homework until it's time to go to bed, which is very early now because I need to get up so freaking early and even as it is I'm super tired and sleepy all day long!!!

I'm really worried that this isn't going to be just a change in my lifestyle, but a change in my entire world, and in myself. I used to be able to get up at a reasonable hour, have an interesting conversation with my sister while eating breakfast, then begin a morning filled with interesting discussions, exercises, and readings, learning all about the world around me (history, chemistry, math, etc.) from my mother, who is a wonderful person, a brilliant instructor, a fun person to learn from, and a qualified instructor, having been also educated with the IB program and so on and so forth. Plus she's my mother, so, you know, if I'm feeling sick or headachy or whatever, I can just ask for a quick break, and she's like "okay we can do this in the afternoon instead" and we have all our inside jokes and just completely understand each other. If I were to spring some of our family jokes on the instructors I have now, I'd probably be sued or something.

Anyway, then I had a lovely long recess walking around in the very large backyard with my sister, playing and talking and just having fun, or sometimes we'd go for a walk or to the library, and then we'd do a bit more school, and then came the afternoon and we'd just relax and I could do whatever I wanted - CB, writing, going outside again, videos, reading, going for a walk, going to the library, going to a park...  It was wonderful, and I can't believe that I didn't try to keep it that way.

Okay, so I didn't have a huge group of varied friends; I didn't have any big projects to throw my energy into. I didn't have tons of exotic activities. But there's my sister - the best friend I could ever, ever ask for - and my pen pal, who's the daughter of my mom's best friend and is like my bff even though we've never met in person - and all of you guys, who just "get" me so well, and who are so wonderful and fun and amazing to spend time with. As for projects, well, I had my writing - I wanted to try and get it published in magazines this summer, and I never really got around to doing that - and my hobbies. And my mom needs a lot of help around the house and in the garden - that's something worth doing, I think, because she's tired and needs me or someone to help her. And for activities, I had so many small, fun things to do - listen to music, write something, read, edit my videos, sit and think and philosophize, write in my diary, watch a movie... Every single day was beautiful. The pandemic was awful, but it really taught me how to appreciate  the "little" things of life, how to hold on to them and surround yourself with them until you've built a safe, comfortable world of beautiful things. Ever since I got properly well from Covid, in early 2021, I've for the most part been living in a world of soccer games, books, movies, my characters and my writing, my family, music... just this safe, happy environment within the confines of my beautiful house and garden, with occasional expeditions to libraries, nature areas, friends' houses, and all that. It was wonderful, and I want to go back to living that way. I don't want to trade it for this nasty school that doesn't even really care about its members - it's very institutionalized and corporationized (yes I know that's not a word, thank you). I don't want to trade afternoons of sunlight and laughter and music, for days of scurrying about endless electrically-lighted passageways, days of trying to make friends with people who never respond, days of sitting at a computer frantically trying to hand in an assignment that my soul isn't involved in. 

I'm so mad at myself for not realizing what this transition would involve. my family and I went to check out the school back in January, and I remember feeling like the atmosphere wasn't right, like I just didn't like the place. But we met some nice people, and it all seemed very promising - so we went through with it. I got to attend an open house and sit in on a class. The curriculum seemed interesting; it really is about topics that I want to learn about, even now. And what I wanted back then, or thought I wanted, was a way to make friends, to find my place in the world beyond my home, and to forge my way toward a life that wasn't just sitting in the house. 

Now I'm realizing just how mistaken I was. Yes, I want friends - but like i said, I already have the most wonderful friends I could ask for, even if they aren't the conventional type of friends; and anyway I don't think that anybody at this school could become a really good friend to me. I want someone who has the same values as I do and the same worldview, and someone who's caring and kind. And I mean it's not like the other students are being mean and horrible, don't get me wrong. But they're just... idk. I've tried so often to find people who are on my wavelength (meaning principled, polite, concerned about the world, willing to challenge the status quo to do the right thing [i e not have social media, not consume mindlessly and destroy the planet in the process...] And I've never found anyone who's like that. I don't think these people are going to be any different. There's no reason for the few people who are on my wavelength (I know there must be some) to have turned up at this particular school at this moment in time. As for trying to get into the outer world beyond my home - well, you know what? Society's going to -- in a handbasket, as my mom would say, at the moment, and it's just getting tougher and tougher and more unfeeling toward ordinary people. (If you're curious as to why I think this, do let me know, I just don't want to go into all the details at this point) I don't think I'd really enjoy life as a part of it. I wouldn't mind being a hermit (with my family and close friends, and a doctor just in case, that is). And the fact is, though I know that I will need to earn my own living eventually, there really are alternative ways of doing it. Community agriculture is one - I know people who are in agriculture, and they're really nice, and dedicated and hardworking. Plus, I'm convinced that agriculture holds part of the solution to solving all the world's problems in one fell swoop. Living on or running a farm would give me the opportunity to have a community - there's nothing like a farm for drawing people together - but also it would allow me more autonomy, a way to live my life the way I like it, a way to live that doesn't mean sitting in a stuffy windowless concrete BOX all day long. And it would give me a purpose and a way to help the world from the ground up. 

It doesn't sound glamorous, but I don't want fame or glamor or power. I used to think I did, but I don't. I just want to be good, be happy, and do the stuff that makes me happy. And I already know what makes me happy, so why don't I just go do it?

I'm just really mad at myself for not realizing this sooner. I've had literal months to think about it, but I can't remember ever really realizing what this change would entail, or even seriously thinking about it. I was just like "ooh cool, fun school thing is coming up in August, seems exciting, and for now let's enjoy the present!" WHY WHY WHY WHY  did I not sit down and think seriously and know what I really didn't want, and what I did want? How did I just let all that stuff go out the window? 

On the bright side, my parents say I can leave the school if I don't like it at all. I'm just conflicted, because on paper it really is a great opportunity, and I don't want to make the wrong choice again and throw away something that might benefit me. But if it's going to make me unhappy while it's providing me with so-called benefits, is it worth it?

Idkkkk I need advice and virtual hugs and assurances that it'll be okay, if any of you could provide that it would be wonderful, I just really need someone right now :( 

This  reply  will  be  short  because  I'm  in  midst of  a  thunderstorm . My  first  thought  is  for  you  to  give  your  school  a  chance  for  at  least  a  few  weeks . Look  around  for  others  with  whom  you  may  make  friends . Try  to  smile   and  be  approachable . Things  may  get  better . 

Admin   (I  don't  know  how  to  set  italics  on  this  tablet . )