btw, "nickname" bc it feels mildly less obviously me

me & my ex-bf broke up october of last year. 

im so tired of this, idk how much longer i can do it. i see him at school a lot and it really hurts bc he kinda just threw away everything. we dated for a good 4 months but we were best friends for 2 years before. did we really mean nothing? like.... idk. i js feel so replaceable 

I wish i didn't have arachnophobia. 

I'm panicking. 

My brain assumes that if someone mentions spiders, there will be a picture of spiders later, which sets off an alarm. Or just spider eyes, which sets off more alarms. 

*panics* 

Sorry, just a fyi, I had enough time tonight to write half your response but I should go to sleep now because I got sick today and I'm staying up late tomorrow... I'll finish it tomorrow! (And @Anabelle, I'll say it now, I am baloney. I literally just started getting symptoms like an hour ago and my family's sick so I was like, yup).

Thanks for everyone's patience

My partner of nearly a year broke up with me two days ago. Why, you ask? Because I was "going public with things". Im sorry for expressing my emotions? I thought this online community you made and I've been helping with for months was safe. When its about OUR relationship, I get it. I apologized, I stopped. But then when I complain about a friend, thats also too public? When he didnt set that boundry and even seemed fine arguing about it publicly. It's just-

And, not only that, but even after going on about privacy he read what he was going to send (YEP IT WAS THROUGH TEXT) to like. at least two people before hand? Had them "proof read it". And, dudes. that broke me a bit ngl!

Then, like a few hours later. "I miss you already". DUDE YOU BROKE UP WITH ME??? IF YOU DONT WANT TO, WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER??? I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS

and omg. hes already like "no man wants me" while im staring at it in shock as if im NOT a boy? thats... thats no thank you? It really hurt but i didnt want to say anythng because hes been avoiding me and i dont know what to do.

He already has single in his bio, he changed his user from the nickname i gave him to something else. he BLOCKED me randomly. and he was supposed to voice the main character for my animation class, i cant even tell if he wasnt to anymore?

people are so confusing idk what to even do 

I hate growing up. I hate that the magic of things like halloween has dulled and I just don't feel as excited about them anymore. I remember playing with my siblings all day, goofing around and playing. Now school takes up way more time and I'm addicted to screens rather than wanting to play. I just wish I could've stayed little forever.

I love my friend but I'm really starting to wish I hadn't agreed to make my Halloween costume with her. She spends the whole of the one day we had to work on it together making something people will hardly see, and for the last few days when I've been trusting her to make stuff on her own because that's what I've been doing, she hasn't. Every single night she texts me "sorry, I didn't have time to ___, do you think you could do it instead?" as if we don't finish our homework at the exact same time. I've been staying up hours later than I should be to work on this, to the point where my parents are getting really mad at me for doing so. I'm putting in my half of the work, she is expected to reciprocate it. Now she wants me to make half of both of our costumes tonight. In case you haven't noticed, TOMORROW is Halloween. I have projects due tomorrow, I have a ridiculous amount of homework today, and I have to run an event for two hours afterschool. What time does she think I have that she doesn't? At this point it's not even a pair costume. I should make a clone of myself to wear the other one because I'm the only one who seems to care about finishing it. 

LE, thank youuuuuuuu. It doesn’t matter whether you have what you consider real advice, what you wrote was still really helpful. If you have any more advice tbh that’d be really really helpful, i get if you don’t or don’t have the time though (same for Hex, but I also know you’re struggling a lot Hex) also i'm working on something for the writing contest!!

Also Hex, thank you so much also. Nobody has been outright hateful actually (with the possible exception of my parents, and also possibly my therapist, who i forgot to add to the “places where anyone tries to use my name” thing, because she’s also actually the best at it??? Like she believes that 80% of trans people are going to detransition (which, that was such a bad study, it counted any gender incongruence as being trans anyway i believe, and also she said that in front of my mom, and my mom doesn’t want me to look queer stuff up so i can’t really print out one of the many criticisms of that study from like, major health universities and stuff and give it to her, and also my mom very clearly believes that queerness is a fad being pushed in our face all the time (and the thing is she’s the one who willingly largely interacts with neurodivergent people, who are WAY more likely to be queer, so her views are so heavily skewed anyway, and she’s just clearly so fed up with it and it hurts, even though she hasn’t actually said it’s being pushed in her face or anything)), and said that it’s hard to use the name/pronouns because people look so masc/fem, and i saw multiple heavily heavily criticized studies and reviews and reports about trans people on her desk, and other stuff, but she’s great with my name and pronouns?? Also the first time i ever mentioned queer people to her (it was w/ characters), she was like “oh yeah, like girls wanting to be boys”, when she’s actually worked with trans people before. I mean it’s not awful, but it’s just so weird. Also she’s useless in general, but, i get to show her some of my art ig), but also, i haven’t really told anyone. Like in some places people know I’m going by another name now, and I’m very masc-presenting (which also i don’t like, i want to be closer to masc physically but as far as clothes and stuff i’d like to mix and match a ton and probably lean fem), so they can probably tell, but also, i don’t talk to people in general. Also they’re kids, as far as i know none of them know queer people exist (i didn’t until i came on here). 

I could wear a pronoun pin… honestly idk if i’d be brave enough and i’d have to make it and that’d probably make it obvious to my parents that i was making it, unless i just did a boring cardboard one… I honestly don’t know if it’d be an issue but idk, if it wasn’t then i’d feel ridiculous because i probably would have been freaking out and bleugh. part of the issue is also that i am not good at talking, like in general, like beyond talking with people and beyond getting the words out of my mouth also, like words in general. It is a good idea though.

Also i just got deadnamed through the entirety of the the orchestra that’s best at using my name because there was a guest artist who knew me, and somebody actually told her the name I’m going by now, and i was like :0, but i was too scared to bring it up, also this person is Christian enough to be one of the main people who does the Christian stuff at one of these music camps I go to (it’s a great music camp, i don’t get why it has to be religious though - like it’s totally cool to be religious in any way (well besides justifying hurting people because of it), that just feels like it’s kind of limiting the scope of people who will feel comfortable there) and actually brought up like, doing everything in God’s glory multiple times during the camp, so like, obviously being Christian doesn’t inherently mean you’re transphobic, you can be both christian and queer also, but also like… she just blatantly ignored it, and i didn’t protest at all but yeahhh that wasn’t… idk… and the worst part is i’m completely used to having to smile through my deadname being exclusively used so it probably seemed like it didn’t actually bother me and i want to thank the person who corrected her, like i was so shocked when that happened, but i don’t even know if i could bleugh - and also i didn’t want to interrupt working on the music

I really hope i’ll be able to go to college. Tbh i’m kind of scared i won’t be able to or i’ll have to stay at home while doing it which would be awful but i mean i couldn’t really live by myself and also i’d be doing viola college but i’ve been sick all the time lately which means i’m struggling with orchestra and missing way too many rehearsals and struggling to play it through when we do play it even though i’m the principal viola, which hurts because i know i’m fairly good, i know i could play it, but i just can’t practice enough, and everyone else can play it through, and ugh. (edit: i wrote that before and am more comfortable with the music now thankfully - not great but more comfortable. also, after sitting to listen for a rehearsal, I was HEAVILY overestimating how prepared they were XD) like i hear that college is much better a lot of the time but i don’t know if i’ll ever get there. Also, i am behind in school and also incredibly bad at it (like, way worse than you're thinking, like way way worse) so idk if i’d get in anywhere anyway, even though it very literally does not matter for violin/viola. I actually got good grades in school, though. I was slightly better then, and also probably put too much work into it.

The “meeting new people and introducing yourself to them as your current name and pronouns” thing would have to involve meeting new people and talking to them, which only happens at orchestra, and other people introduce me for me anyway. And the thing is there really aren’t any places i can be with other people without my parents, the only place is orchestra, and still they’re in the building. And they probably need to be. 

And i just kind of feel really gross for being queer at this point, and so that doesn’t help. And i’m not even getting euphoria from any of this, it’s just like, less dysphoria, which also probably doesn’t help. tbh the most euphoria i've ever had was wearing this old maxi skirt and sweater cardigan and an old Hawaiian necklace in my room with my more masc haircut and overall feeling more masc even though everything was more stereotypically fem, but i could never dress like that in front of people because then they'd just see "girl". and absolutely nobody actually uses he/they for me anyway, at least that i remember. i mean maybe "feminine girl" would be better than "masc girl" as far as peoples' reactions, but idk. i could not be a femine girl, my whole life i've tried to be as unfeminine as possible to the point it was probably kind of sexist.

I remember you (Hex) mentioning something about not wanting to have to have all the conversations about what being queer is all the time with people who may even be well-meaning but probably still have a ton of misconeceptions, i completely feel that as well.

If i may have a side rant, i feel like i also often see references to “people are so kind to queer people these days!” and like… it’s not as bad as it used to be, sure, but even when i wasn’t specifically out, i would still get odd looks in restrooms and that sort of thing, and either way “i don’t think you should have to be miserable all your life and worse things i can't mention on the CB!!” doesn’t necessarily mean they care enough to not misgender you, or that they don’t still have a ton of less transphobic but still bad views (for instance, the “but you have to be so careful looking this sort of stuff up, so much of it is really disturbing and i know you’d be disturbed by it, and i know it’s what you’re looking at when you’re hiding your computer” lecture i got from my parents, when online queer stuff has literally saved my mental health in the past, now i’m mostly too scared/feel too gross for being queer to look it up tbh). and you only hear about the people who are lucky enough to be safely out anyway. and honestly i think this is part of why i couldn't write Library of the Stars or anything for a bit, like there was a while where beyond needing to replot i just couldn't work on it, i guess it's pretty queer in general, and i was going more into that than usually - usually they're just queer but i'm too scared to work it into anything actually written, instead of just in my head.

idk what i'm writing anymore ig i'll post this... thank you though