I'm sinking

Drowning

In a sea of colours

They're beautiful

But cold

And steal away your breath

Maybe not in a good way

I struggle to breath 

As the music swells

Stomach tying itself in knots 

My head hurts, it's spinning

The whole world spins

I feel too light

My heart too heavy for the rest of me

How can I laugh one second

And be curled in a sobbing ball

Unable to breath or think or be happy

Ever again 

I wonder

What's so wrong with me

That I can't even untangle these pretty colours

What's going on?

~~~~~

Fresh out of a paic attack! Everything's good though! I think it'll be alright! *thumbs up*

I thought we were safe.

We won all the battles --

We won the war.

Everything should have ended there. 

But although the struggle is all over

Everything still hurts, atrocities still happen.

No one is completely safe.

It's even more dangerous than before.

What went wrong?

Did all that persevering even matter?

Why did we go through all that we did?

What was it all really for?

I've always wanted to fly.

That was always clear.

So why, when I'm able to float away

Do I feel so emotionally bare?

It feels empty.

Even more hollow than the Void.

Everything spins. I feel sick.

Why, when I have the freedom I always wanted?

I love the sea.

Despite the feeling of drowning

Being such a pressing worry on my mind

In day to day life.

I love the sway and ebb and flow

The spray and sound,

The clarity and mystery, all in one;

And yet it terrifies me dearly.

Am I wrong about everything?

Misunderstood it all?

Or are things more complex

Than "win" or "fall?" 

I screech and

I scream,

And what do I see? - 

No one, 

No no one,

Is coming for me 

Purple petals

Insides stained with black tears

Peek out from the murky water

At me 

Too deep to see the bottom

A fate worse than all else beneath my feet

I peer down from my spot perched on a high rock

And wonder how, and if, I should proceed

The chasm around me is stained with eerie purple light

Rain starts to pour, accompanied by wind's shrill shrieking

Yet I find myself captivated

Wondering what sits beyond those crystal depths

Will those flowers close up if I step out onto them?

Like Venus Fly Traps, will they eat me?

Will they buckle under my feet like lilypads?

Something nervous jumps around inside me

I pull out my boat, for I must venture closer;

And yet, I'm always ever further from my answers. 

~~~~~

Does curiosity always kill the cat? Maybe. I guess it's fortunate I have a save and load system.

It's okay.

Sometimes things are gone.

They've passed on,

And something, somewhere

Will always pass on.

And everything will pass on someday

And that's really okay.

Not everything has to be

A tear-jerking story

Full of sorrows and betrayals and revenge.

Not everything has to be a heartwarming tale

With a bittersweet cry-worthy end.

Sometimes things just pass on.

Peacefully, without some big fancy mourning,

Without a bang or even a whimper.

Maybe without regrets, something no one'll ever remember.

And that's okay.

It doesn't have to be dramatic or sad.

It's okay to just exist sometimes.

And it's okay to disappear quietly,

And in peace

Too.

It's okay.

Gems that look like the sea

Yellow and green

Kelp bursting out from the centre

A deep expanse of churned gems.

Beautiful.

Melted down seaglass

The distilled honey taste of summer

A warm hearth of affection, bubbles beneath

Cooled amber, the sunshining through.

Beautiful.

A wolven-like warrior

Greys like the silver of a dreary sky and silent moon

Ice and cold steely gaze 

A fearsome frost does blaze 

Beautiful.

Soft, gooey melt

Of dark chocolate soothing

Sweet but bitter, a love never to be forgotten

Something that silently begs for a hug.

Beautiful.

Wine and scarlet

Thin shape like a dagger, drawing a slow trickle

Of blood, the light filters through

Simply stunning, entrancingly enticing and confident.

Beautiful.

Black as a shade-filled river

Dark and mysterious and perhaps secretly injured

And yet string and callous, but there's flesh deep beneath

Cold to the touch yet its fierceness draws you in.

Beautiful.

A starry sky

Violet bedazzled and gaily dancing

With galaxies and nebulae swirling and sparkling

A universe of perplexity from deep within. 

Beautiful.

I see this in every eye I see

A whole new world

A full complex and intriguing history

I long for more but know I'll never receive and yet

Beautiful.

Is all I can think.

Flashing colors

Rippling fins

Smart eyes

Strong arms

Quick tentacles

An ode to the squid! Squid have flashing colors from skin cells called chromatophores that expand and contract to show colors. They don't do it as well as the octopus (they have something called an ink pen for stability–that is why), but still do it well enough to confuse prey, evade predators, and dazzle a mate. They have rippling fins to help swim, BUT they mainly use jet propulsion–what people think is their head is called the mantle and it contains the organs. They pull water into that mantle, then shoot it out to rocket away into the other direction. Then they do have smart eyes, but they are colorblind. Strong arms can do many amazing things. These have suction cups all over themselves. They have 8 of these. A common misconception says they have 8 TENTACLES, but they don't. Octopuses have 8 arms, not tentacles, but squid and cuttlefish have 2 feeding tentacles. They are thinner and only have suction cups at the tips. Great for–BOOM!–grabbing a shrimp in a second (literally).

And a reminder that it was recently Cephalopod Awareness Week so let's give these fun animals some attention. 

Shadows creep as they always do

Things go right, just like they have forever

But some things go wrong too

Some things will never sit perfect

Will crumble and crash and burn and fall

And oh, how sick and tired I am of it all

Why can't things always work as they should?

I felt very compelled to write haikus today...

sizzling dumplings
tomato-potato soup
steaming adobo 

Dinner at my Asian grandparents' house is weirdly poetic, especially when my cousins are visiting.

bowl of dragonfruit
not enough seats for eleven
beautiful chaos

Meh. Not the best but I kinda like it.

Watch

As the tan and white are swallowed together,

Eaten up from the inside by flaming embers,

But from the outside it looks like the work of an invisible bird

Paper crumbles, hot snow falls

Billowing light grey

With a acrid stench

We know it's not good for our lungs and yet

For me it's so dang satisfying to watch 

And for you, it's the nicotine.

SMASH

And the crashing

Of a million colours

And pieces

Go flying

Setting fire to 

A sleeping sky 

Seizing thousands 

Of heartbeats

And forcing them all out

At the same time

SMASH

Sometimes whizzing

Or whining in warning

Sometimes nothing until the BOOM

Sometimes a little fizzing crackle

At the very end 

They'll SMASH and CRASH and BOOM

Until the new day 

With nothing left

But floating smoke spiders

And the acrid stench 

Of burnt popcorn and melted plastic 

To reassure us the display was indeed real

you handed me my ticket and i left you

her hands shake as she presses them into his hands, he can see the tears just behind her eyes no matter how hard she tries to hide them.

they’re probably reflected in his, judging by the burning in them. remember that time i-

the metal is warm from her palms. she clutches his fingers longer than she has to, her nails painted a glossy black digging slightly into his skin, but he doesn’t mind because she

she matters, and as her silence says her truth his heart breaks a little more. you handed me my ticket and i left you-

words unbidden scratch themselves into his cracked and crumbling heart as his fingers close around the metal and plastic, and her fingers leave his

he thinks he feels tears on his face and he swipes at them automatically. don’t cry don’t smile don’t laugh don’t speak-

but he’s never been good at hiding his heart, and as he wraps her in a hug, feeling her shake as her nails bite into his back through his jacket. the words on his lips never leave them, all 

the things he’d want to say- don’t let them break you, i love you- the lies he’d want to tell- i’ll come back for you, it’ll be okay-

she pulls away, blinking. even in the dead of the night, crickets chirping softly and cars rolling quietly down avenues and boulevards, her hair is perfectly in place.

he wonders how she does it, and maybe that’s a metaphor for how he wonders how her facades manage to stay upright no matter how many winds and floods and fires and earthquakes try to knock it down

but she’s his sister, and he knows her. he knows that it tears her apart to do what it takes to survive, he knows that she would do anything for him

he’d do anything for her, too. but the world has never been fair.

her voice is so small as they whisper goodbyes

and there are so many more things he wants to say. come with me, please; i don’t know if i can do this without you; you deserve to live your life, too; i love you so much-

but his legs move automatically towards the door, his hands clutching his lifeline. sometimes he hates himself.

feet keep marching as his fingers curve around a handle, pulling open a metal door, stepping inside

sitting down on a brown leather seat and sticking the keys, the ones his sister risked everything for, the ones she pressed into his hands with a million promises in a silence too huge for comprehension, sticking those keys into the ignition and

and he drives, drives away from her and everything else he’s ever known and ever been afraid of. the words in his heart burn, perhaps they’re bleeding

you handed me my ticket and i left you and

i’m 

so

sorry

~~

so i started with this:

someone secretly pressing car keys into the hands of a person they love 

i ended with this:

a very canon-divergent OOC no-bending modern au of atla exploring azula and zuko's relationship as siblings.

-i'm unhealthily obsessed with atla someone help