frustration drove west from Paper Town

on the highway 'cross my heart

and was headed to a place full of cheap motels

and nights of sirens but never sleep

just to keep me pacing at 11 pm, hating my fear and allowing unjust anger to grow 

and all the while sadness was buying out all these stores full of antiques

that had come from my childhood & ignorance

and to everyone else the sunrise now feels duller

since the golden sun feels false

as it shines upon a country so full of lies and facades. 

If you think of us as one whole ecosystem,

You're not wrong.

Let me tell you a story of this ecosystem called Earth

It was one ecosystem that was connected and all to itself

It was lush 

And it had its own system

And all the other rock balls

Were not the same

Let me tell you a story of the ecosystem that was called Earth

Plants were seeded

And grew to other animals

And the mutations and developments 

Brought new things forth

And the ecosystem called Earth was its own

Until mutations

Mutations of discovery, of humans, of art and culture

Of things that were inventors

Not survivors

Inventors!

The story of an ecosystem called Earth

To be continued

sometimes i wonder if i should just give up and give everything to you,

find some small happiness even if it's wrong,

because why wait for perfection when you've got sweet lies i can find peace in? 

one

two

three.

Droplets of water splash my face 

as I drop coins into a fountain

already crowded with gold and silver shine,

listening to the pennies clinking against each other.

four

five

six.

I don't bother wishing for anything,

or even wiping the cold water

off my face.

ten

eleven

twelve.

I'm wasting my money and

Mama will be mad,

but my pocket's still heavy

and somehow the coin's

empty splashes

and mindless clinks

tug me to keep going.

thirteen

fourteen

fifteen.

Fifteen cents can buy you

fifteen wishes

or maybe a pencil

but all I've gotten is

tears.

sixteen

seventeen

eighteen.

The wind picks up a little

and I'm shivering

and I should be home by now

but I'm not.

nineteen

twenty

twenty-one.

Four coins left

and a dollar bill,

my allowance for this week.

I toss them all in,

wincing as the bill

disintegrates slowly,

drifting down after

the coins.

I stand and turn away,

not waiting for it to reach the bottom.

I will not return tomorrow,

I promise myself,

I will never return.

But I do return,

perhaps just to watch the dollar bill

fade away,

until I can't see it anymore

and I leave

for the last time. 

Angsty poem because mental health not so good and I'm feeling poetic.

untitled

~

everything’s been wrong for so long

that it’s started to feel right

and i can’t even remember what being okay felt like

i’m so scared of change

even though it’s supposed to be good

this is all i know

and in some messed up way

i don’t want to lose it

pain keeps me going and holds me back

my fingers trying uselessly to hold onto something that i can’t see

the world is a blur and my thoughts slip by

so far in my own head that i’m missing everything around me

i’ve forgotten how to care

even though i want to

it’s so much easier to float along

not really there but almost

just going through the motions to make it through the day

i don’t know how to fix it

and even if i could

i don’t know if i’d want to

because i don’t know who i’d be without it

racing heart

crawling skin

unfocused eyes

shallow breaths

it’s all i have and who i am

and i can’t brush it off because even now

someone’s finally helping me

but i’ve lost all motivation to help myself

I don't know what to say about this one. I like it though, and I'm proud of it, so I hope you guys enjoy it and I'd love to hear some feedback. Let me know what you think!

Untilted

The feeling’s so strange,

The way it’s just there one day,

And I can’t force it 

To the back of my mind

Anymore, 

The way that I’m nothing like you

The realization that I’ve always been

The girl in the corner,

And the even harder thought

That you’ve always known but never mentioned it.

I start seeing the blinding lights around your face

And I think maybe you never cared at all

After all,

You never had to, really,

Everything was just done for you.

All of this hits me too fast, and suddenly 

You’re waving your hand in my face, saying

Hello? Hello! Are you okay?

And I want to say no, but that’s not 

What I’m supposed to say.

It feels to wrong to say yes, though,

So I don’t say anything. 

I just smile, and you smile back, and then it hits me: 

You're fake.

The thought of this is followed by the question:

So what am I? 

I know that I’m not like you,

All glossy hair and rosy cheeks,

Practiced grins that show off perfect teeth.

But I’ve been living a fantasy this whole time,

Haven’t I?

I think of all the sleepovers we had,

Staying up all night whispering pointless secrets

In each other’s ears and eating too much candy

And laughing—that’s the part I remember most,

How care-free I thought I felt,

And I wonder if either of us were ever real at all.