First off Jaybells I’m glad you’re back! I had been really worried about you. I’m so glad you’re okay :P Don’t feel pressured to respond quickly or anything, take care of yourself :D 

I was on Maui ^_^ (Luckily my grandma lives up on the mountain so she hasn’t been affected by the fires. which i don’t really know what to say about…) tragedy aside, have you been to Hawai’i?! Which island? What did you do when you went there? Did you eat poi?! If so what did you think? (poi is my favorite thing) We actually spent a few nights on Kaua’i, which is apparently where my grandma’s mom grew up (in a horrible plantation home, I’m not sure it even had running water). It was really beautiful there, but Maui is still my favorite island. It just feels like home. Side note, I sometimes think that too much focus on “authentic” travel is a bad thing… I mean not inherently, and things like “buy Hawaiian stuff from actual Hawaiians instead of white tourist people” are good. But sometimes I see people talk about how Kaua’i is better and less tourist-y and more “authentic” than Maui and it just hurts so much because a.) Maui wouldn’t be so tourist-y if it wasn’t for tourists and b.) Maui isn’t less authentic. People still live there, people whose families have been there far far far longer than the five-ish generations mine has. I don’t really know how to say this, but it’s just… it’s not “worse". I'm not saying it's wrong to travel to Hawai'i, though, I'm glad you have :P

I meant Squishables, not Squishmellows. They’re a different thing and I think you might like them :D I honestly don’t care too much for Squishmellows… I basically agree with you, but they’re also not as soft or anything. I actually saw some Squishables at Barnes and Noble and they weren’t as overpriced there, though. they were bigger than I thought. Still pretty standard quality though. 

Honestly, don’t feel bad about “falling behind” in writing. Just the fact that you’re in a writing program people who have become Youth Poet Laureates of their counties is incredible. I totally feel you though - my ultimate goal in life is to become a soloist on viola and violin. And while it’s possible to be a smaller soloist, even those people have often been to literal Juilliard or such. And then there’s how much money you have to put into it all. Like, my family is very financially privileged to even be able to buy a viola and lessons, let alone tons of orchestras and camps. And even though I’m concertmaster and principal viola, that’s just my local orchestras. If I was in a really good youth orchestra in Chicago, I’d probably be last in the section if I even got in. Half of these people have been playing since they were like… 2 (and you can’t even really choose it then, which is what hurts the most). I started when I was 10, and had to take a longish break because of health stuff. And honestly I really want to do other stuff too - writing and art, mostly - but I’m not good enough at either of those either, not to mention that I can’t spend enough time on them if I want to be a violist/violinist. And I’m also scared because my health has been getting worse and my fingers keep hurting and what if I stop being able to play at all? What would I do then? And oh dear I just looked up SAT stuff and I sincerely hope you don’t have to get decent school grades to get into decent violin colleges along with an audition… if that’s the case I legitimately have no hope. I can’t memorize facts if they’re not interesting enough, I can barely multiply and divide even with help, even reading and writing for school can be really hard… and that’s without my focus being either really bad or far too focused on the wrong thing.

However, if you are burned out? Take a break. I’m serious. You’re not going to be able to be productive when you are burned out. As a violist and violinist, even my teacher is clear about this (especially because viola/in is very physical and you can seriously hurt yourself if you’re not careful). Is there anything stressful you could reduce? Could your family or friends help you? Is there something you could take a break from for a bit? And don’t feel bad about struggling to write. if you’re burned out I would actually suggest writing less. Maybe set a shorter amount of time a day to write, and write things you actually want to write as much as possible so it becomes a more positive experience. You will want to write more then. And don’t feel bad about doing stuff that isn’t productive - if it’s a positive thing, it very much might help reduce the burnout. I would suggest looking into this, even if the burnout isn’t that bad yet, because it could get really bad down the road. I know that it feels like the worse thing to do, but I’m so serious that you’ll do better when you’re not burned out. It’s worth it. Take care of yourself :P 

Soooo it’s almost February and that means it’s almost my birthday what do I do????? I’m going to be so old *sobs* and like i’m just so behind on viola and stuff. I’m even willing to say that I’m relatively good - I mean, I did win the competition, and I think that I tend to play easier stuff really well technically and musically - but I’m like… I’m on the JC Bach concerto. I need to be on like… the Sibelius. And it also just feels so much more normal to be miserable at that age, like it doesn’t matter. And also i’m “supposed” to be miserable in a way that involves like… public high school and “normal” mental health stuff. And the worst part is it probably would be worse if I was in public high school. But at the same time maybe I could be out there… I don’t know. I know that middle school was horrible and my main/only friend in elementary and middle school was kind of… not great and such. And I keep wanting to write younger characters and then I realize I’m older than them or even will be the same age as them in some amount of time and I can’t do it. And i know that if I was going to write a character like me, everyone would be like “they’re too young for their age”. I know people would be like that if I did anything with Reshinerr, and so many parts of him are based on me. And it just feels like I should be onto bigger things by now. And also like… what do I do if I can’t even go to college? Whether because I can’t do the school or because i’m almost certain I would not be able to live in a dorm by myself. I hate the violin world so much. So many big competitions only let you enter when you’er below 30 or even like 25 or stuff. (And like I’d be horrible at big competitions but still.) The violin world doesn’t always care how good you are, but it always cares about prodigies and money. I mean I know I’m incredibly lucky to be able to do this much. Sorry for ranting...

On which note, I always relate more to MG books even if I technically relate more to YA books sometimes… I mean YA books hurt. If it’s okay to go back to that discussion (I found it very interesting), I also find it interesting that there’s very little in between. Like, you have the like “parents are kind of emotionally absent” (note: the “kind of” is important here. Also that this is rarely taken super seriously or dealt with either) and then you have the “parents are incredibly abusive”. Also Jaybells, I like what you said about “act your age” being messed up, and I think YA could use that quite a bit. Everyone’s always so mature, and there’s less of an expectation that it’ll be a little fabricated like in MG. This might even play into why autistic characters are always so normal (again, not trivializing that experience but). 

I will post a bit more later, but I don’t want to overwhelm the admins :D  

Here’s the rest! Sorry about all the rants last time, just ignore them.

If you want a Jellycat may I suggest a Smudge? I have Smudge Elephant and Smudge Bear and they’re both amazingly soft. I think Jellycat will be re-releasing Smudge Fox in the summer, so you might see if you like them. If you do get a Smudge I would suggest also getting a stiff toothbrush, cutting the ends down a bit, and brushing the Smudge every so often. Mine have stayed really soft (not quite as soft as when you first get them, but still super super soft) so far, but you’ll definitely want to brush them :D 

Also I found a big Jellycat Drake Dragon at a thrift store on Kaua’i for like three dollars!!! I still haven’t finished brushing them but they’re in really good shape. No stains, no tears, pristine eyes, just very very matted :P and they’re so soft after being brushed out!

What classical music have you listened to, and perhaps more importantly who has it been played by? you might just not like it but it’s not always played the best and such. If you give me an idea of your music taste (classical and non-classical) I can give you some suggestions!!! 

You can find plenty of stuff on crocheting online :D

Jaybells, all the poetry you’ve been posting on the Regular Poetry Thread has been amazing!! 

Also would either of you be interested in my analysis of top-down vs bottom-up worldbuilding? I just recently saw it and found it a rather odd concept. 

I don’t really know how i manage to write so much on here… typing has been working really well lately and i’m just interested i guess. Idk. 

Hi guys, I do want to pop in really quick and say hi. I know I've been out for quite a bit and I'm still kind of busy catching up with work and homework so I don't have too much free time, but I do miss you all and our conversations. Talk to you two soon!

GUYS WE'RE SO BACK!!! I'm going to type out the longest response to you BB when I have the time (hopefully tomorrow). I was literally just crying my eyes out a few minutes ago but then the CB reopened and now I'm so so happy :)))

Ok, here I am finally! I’m so sorry that this has taken so long for me to respond to. I just finished the SAT and am finally able to focus on other things now thank goodness (as for how the SAT actually went… it was a lot harder than I expected and I honestly have no idea how I did. I don’t think I got my goal of at least 1400 though).

Yes, I’ve been to Hawaii and it was so fun! I went the summer of two years ago when we had a planned trip to Spain but they found an issue with our passports at the last minute, so we had to switch the location to somewhere domestic. I went to Kauai, which was so amazing. I’ve never been to Maui or any of the other islands so I can’t compare them but I really really liked Kauai. We stayed in three different places at the southern, western, and northern parts of the island, and they were all so pretty. Being mixed Asian felt so normal there, too. Also yeah you’re right, it’s kind of goofy to be a tourist and plan a trip to a state where the economy relies on tourism and then say ‘don’t go to Maui, there’s too many white tourists’.

Ohhh Squishables, not Squishmallows- sorry, I must have read it wrong! I do know of them and have thought about getting them a few separate times. Some of their designs are pretty cool, but they’re a little expensive for me, though. 

I know it’s not fair to myself to think that I’m ‘worse’ or ‘falling behind’ my peers in writing, but I really can’t help it. I’m really just trying to get myself out there and get published but I haven’t sent anything out yet, maybe because I’m afraid of being rejected. And I’ve really stopped writing as much, which I hate. I also feel you- I stopped writing from ages like 13-15 because I was afraid of… idk, being bad, I guess. Now I feel like I started too late. Also, I refute your claim that you’re not good at writing! I’ve read your stuff, and it’s really good.

Don’t worry about the SAT, honestly. I know I was just stressing about it earlier but tbh most schools are test optional now. I just put so much effort into it because my school’s environment puts so much pressure on kids to get high scores, and I felt super embarrassed to keep getting scores in the 1200s (even though that’s objectively a good score). A lot of my friends won’t stop taking it until they get a 1450 or a 1500. I was talking to a guy who’s in my grade the other day and he said he took it a few months ago, so I asked him what he got and he said a 1600. So yeah. Ugh.

I’m definitely burned out, unfortunately, but a lot of it just can’t be helped. I have to do my school work and projects, I’m doing most of the work reading and editing all of the works for the literary magazine at my school, I have three AP exams coming up, I have work twice a week and three hours of writing internship and workshop on the weekend. That’s not counting extra stuff, like writing. I know I need to be giving myself more of a break, but it’s hard.

Oh, I just realized that your birthday was in Feb, BB, happy belated birthday!! I totally know what you’re talking about with being ‘old’ and all (reminder that we’re not, and we still have our whole lives ahead of us!). The teen writing world is the same with being obsessed with young people and prodigies and such- I’m just trying to get the most done before I turn 18 and age out of it all. Also yeah, I agree with you about MG vs YA books especially in regards to parents; I think a lot of YA authors want the main character to be a minor but don’t want them to be under parental supervision because it limits things.

I really really want to get a Jellycat at some point. The Smudge ones look soo cute, I really want either the rabbit or the bear. Maybe I’ll get myself one later as a treat….

I really don’t listen to classical music that much. I listen to some instrumentals I guess, but I don’t think that’s the same thing. If I were to listen to it, though, I would prefer something a little more fast paced. Suggestions welcome :)

If you’re still willing, I’d love to hear an analysis of top-down vs bottom-up worldbuilding! I actually don’t really know the difference.  

Other than all the stuff mentioned above, I’ve been getting really into jewelry making! My desk is now overflowing with supplies and so far I’ve made three necklaces, two bracelets, and twenty pairs of earrings. It’s all bead and wire stuff, which takes a while to make. Maybe I’ll send some pictures of them later if I can get a good picture, I’m actually pretty proud of them :)

Okay this is entirely too long, sorry admins! Logging off xxxx

I got a subscription to the Royal Opera House so now i can watch a lot of ROH productions online!!! ROH 2018 Swan Lake w/ Vadim Muntagirov (who’s especially superb) and Marianela Nuñez (who’s also superb to be clear) is the exact opposite of the 2006 (before I was alive XD) Paris Opera House one in so many ways. The set design especially. Paris Opera House is very simple set design, but the costumes “light up” the stage and the way its done I might even prefer it. ROH is incredibly beautiful and elaborate set design. And ROH is a lot darker, too (particularly the 2018 version; Von Rothbart and the Queen are more scary and Benno feels less helpful than in the 2022 version, and also I prefer Vadim Muntagirov as the dancer). a good amount of the choreography is different, and even the music is sometimes tweaked differently. Some of the songs aren't left in in both version stoo. Anyway I’m growing to like the 2018 ROH one as much as the POH one. I’ve also finally gotten to see Romeo and Juliet (Prokofiev’s ballet) and it’s so good!!!! It’s Anna Rose O’Sullivan and Marcelino Sambe as Juliet and Romeo and they’re basically my favorite dancers so that’s great. THEY DON’T HAVE CINDERELLA THOUGH! I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT! Nowhere has Cinderella and i want to see it… or Firebird. Also i think you might be able to rent a performance from there for less. Idk what that means though. if you are ever interested in that I can give you more info on what i'd suggest :D (since you've said you wanted to see some)

Silver, I’m working on your music recs! I haven’t actually listened to a ton of non-ballet music in a while so I’m a bit out of practice with that but I’m having fun. I’ve forgotten too many of my more obscure pieces *sobs* Also if you do look into crocheting, let me know if you have any questions :D and sure, put pics of the jewelry if you want. That’s cool. 

I have the Smudge Bear and he’s amazing! I think his name is Chamomile but possibly Liliko’i or Honeycomb. (Liliko’i is pasionfruit and it’s really tasty). He loves flowers and lives in a cottage in the woods with all sorts of flowers that grow all year long. I kind of have him mixed up with the bear stuffie I have in a book… they’re a bit too similar but eh. Anyway I think he’s really cute, but I’ve seen Smudge Rabbit in stores and they’re really cute too. He might be a bit less nice to hug than my Smudge Elephant, though; the trunk and ears feel really nice. They’re so expensive though *sobs*

even thinking about getting anything published is really impressive! I wish you luck. Also thanks for saying my writing is good, even if i’m not sure I agree heh. I had always thought of writing as better with age stuff than viola, but maybe it’s not that much better… if you actually go to writing programs it’s probably different though. 

If you can’t reduce anything, can you make it less tiring somehow? Like, even if it’s not healthy, maybe you could listen to music or even eat cookies or something during writing or something to make it at least more enjoyable. (It’s probably fine for most people, too much sugar just makes everything hurt. Though it’s probably healthier to make tea or something but i think you said you don’t like tea XD) And try not to put so much pressure on yourself. I know it’s hard and a lot of this is really important, though. Also maybe try to only work on things that you’re excited about outside of the things you absolutely have to do? Also maybe look at what you do in your downtime and see if it’s helpful or not. Also maybe feeling like you’re not good enough could be causing some of this too. I promise you you are good enough. What can you do to realize you are good enough? Idk if any of this will work, but hopefully you can get a break soon :D i guess i’m kind of lucky in this way that I’m a grade or two behind in school XD

Also i had a lesson focusing on the JC Bach concerto with a really really good violist (she’s a college professor and I have done her summer music camp before) and it was great!!! I got a lot of good tips and insight and such. And she seemed to like my playing (I didn’t do great to be honest but *shrugs* she said that i had a lot of really good energy, though, which i put a lot of work into, so that’s great). So yeah. We worked a lot on tone, which is great. Also hopefully i’ll be able to go to a big city and get a better viola soon but that city is 3 hours from here and we have to take any violas I try out back, and I need a lesson with my teacher to decide. And it’s just overall hard. i am getting excited to perform it though :D it's in late April so I have a lot more time luckily. 

Jaybells, I've been meaning to read and comment on the story you've posted. i will get to that soon hopefully.

also i have yet again gotten distracted and started working on a shiny new story idea why ToT i was trying to get more of the other written and I wanted to post some on here at some point but nope i guess. *sighs* 

I might post more later but i'll post this for now :D 

will post soon

Okay so sorry i didn’t respond for ridiculously long. I was finally viola shopping. Now i’m sick(er) again so i’m writing even though i want to practice.

Viola shopping has been great so far. We went up to a big city for it because you have to, and that city has a big Japanese market with a bookstore and everything and it’s amazing. I got two boba teas the second time :D (though one of them must have had a bit of dairy… it was made with almondmilk and definitely tasted like it (and if it had much dairy at all in it i’m pretty sure i’d have gagged and not been able to eat it) and it wasn’t very bad, I just think that they just didn’t clean things off well or something, and i didn’t actually tell them i need almondmilk (vs just getting it) so *shrugs* but I’m fine. Anyway the second one was this AMAZING peach tea without any milk or anything and it was SO GOODDDDDD. Not quite as good as the lychee jasmine tea on Maui but i mean that’s kind of a ridiculously high bar. Interestingly even this place was inconsistent with cooking their boba… I guess I’m pickier than others? (that’s not unusual)

Side rant about anime people because of course. I don’t feel like anyone even cares about this. I mean like it’s not as important as some things, but it’s still bad? And it’s not like it’s just kids watching anime and having boba while being totally respectful. It feeds into so many worse things too. Idk. Even if it weren’t for those things, I’d still be mad at them for just like… making Japanese culture all about white people and picking and choosing which bits are okay and which aren’t and all that. I’m sure this is a thing with K-pop too. Maybe even worse, since it’s more real people. 

If you need to go to sleep, go to sleep : ) You can’t do your best if you’re tired, and sleep plays some important role in cementing practice or something (idk if that applies for school though). Trust me as someone who probably averages around not enough a night with a bunch of no-sleep nights and 12-hour sleep nights interspersed XD

Is it wrong that a 15-page research paper sounds fun to me…? Well maybe not 15 pages. But I was playing a Haydn quartet called The Bird at the easier chamber orchestra, and I was like “Tchaikovsky was the best at writing birds” and the teacher was like “The Lark Ascending by Vaughan Williams is better” and I ended up writing a 2193 word essay comparing the pieces and explaining why Tchaikovsky is clearly superior. Granted, The Lark Ascending is really pretty, but it’s no Swan Lake. (Or Fairy of Songbirds dance, or Bluebirds and Florine dance.)

For the “some colleges require 3 years of language classes”, are they the colleges you want to get into? That’s my only advice XD though my advice might be late.

Also i hope your contest goes well :D I know what you mean about getting your hopes up too much though… 

I played the concerto with the orchestra for the first time today though and it was so cool!!! We didn’t do the cadenza yet, which is probably good (the cadenza I wrote is pretty long and pretty hard and it’s a cadenza so it’s just me playing). The rest of it went really well though. Even though I used my old viola, which is not great at all.

If I may add something about crocheting: make sure you know whether you’re supposed to go in both loops or only one! For instance, if you want to do amigurumi you’ll usually be in both loops. I just know that I didn’t understand that when I started. I’m really not very good at crocheting though… i don’t really have the time or the ability to sit still that long. I’m having fun making some tags though, since they’re illustrated. 

On which note maybe you’ll understand maybe not but I want to come outtttttt. Or I don’t want to but it’s too miserable not being out to not. But I don’t even know what I’d come out as, because the things I actually am are far too strange. And I’m not sure it’s not going to be seen as a symptom, especially because I have fluctuated a lot in presentation. Also I think I might have seen my dad watching a very conservative news station so that’s fun… perhaps the worst part is that there’s always the possibility it’s going to go really well, or well enough that it’d kind of be my fault for not trying harder. I legitimately have no idea how it’s going to go because things vary so much (like some days if I spill something it’s totally fine and other times it’s not) and i feel like it’s going to hinge on things other than how queer-friendly my family is if that makes sense. 

Oh but it’s almost garden season too!! Technically you can’t actually plant most things until mid-late May where I live but planning and starting seeds starts far earlier. I’ll probably write more later but for now i really want to post this before i forget or go "ehhh but what if i didn't" so 

I know that it’s not all white people, but it comes out the same either way and i’d rather get mad at white people because if i get mad at a nonwhite person people are probably going to take that and use it to be racist to them. Also it’s true that it’s fine to just like anime. That’s not what I’m talking about. What ways do you find K-pop worse than anime? I can see the logic, but honestly I’d guess that it extends the same way to “normal” Asians honestly, though it is worse for the K-pop groups than the anime artists. At the very least, in my experience, anime fans lead to far far more than just like being annoyed because they call everything kawaii only they pronounce it like kowai (which means scary) or Kaua’i (like the island), though i do find that funny. Maybe that’s just like mainstream racism idk, but it’s not like anime doesn’t give them a reason to be racist while still not caring about the racism. And i’m frankly tired of people acting like that’s all it is, because it’s not. Also to be clear there’s not that many Asians where I live either (though there’s actually quite a lot in orchestra…). The bookstore and market is like three hours away in a really gigantic city so we get to go like a few times a year at most on a regular basis.

Also I can finally watch Cinderella!!! ROH just got it on their streaming service. It’s SO GOOD. Everything about it. Everything. It’s just. I can’t. I can’ttttttt and the Stepsisters are so hilarious!!! One of them is Gary Avis (the stepsisters are usually played by guys which is kind of cool) who I know as Coppelius and Drosselmeyer and he’s so good. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but I legitimately think Vadim Muntagirov got better from 2019 Coppelia (the second latest thing I’ve seen). HOW?! Marianela Nuñez is superb as Cinderella. Possibly my second favorite thing I’ve seen her as (after Sugar Plum Fairy). And the MUSIC! It’s so good.

I would give advice on sleep but i have none. I alternately have nights of no sleep, 12 hours of sleep, and like 3 hours of sleep and this is WITH sleep medicine and strict rules about caffeine after like 3 or 4 so XD anyway uhhhh yeah i really have nothing useful to say here. I wish you luck regardless. 

I legitimately don’t know why i can crochet to be honest… like i can’t open like food bags and stuff, can’t brush my teeth except for once in a while, often can’t utensils, but I can crochet. I can’t tell if I’m petting the cat too hard, but I can play viola with tons of dynamics. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME XD

Your music recs are almost done btw. Most if not all of the stuff is pretty standard/famous, but hopefully it’s a good variety and all of it’s really good :D