I mean, for the thrift store thing, i think we’re both right. The decline in clothing quality is absolutely part of it. (it’s also worth noting that when clothing quality goes down, so does quality of life for resellers who get shipments of clothes and aren’t able to do anything with them because most of them are unusable.) but yeah, everyone loses, and yeah, it is pretty capitalistic now. Because everything is. I grow increasingly convinced that nothing is going to change in any meaningful way until capitalism gets torn down. Which is pretty much never going to happen but hehehe… I mean instead of trying to lessen all of this, the government is fighting whether it should take away rights from queer people. It’s ridiculous. 

I don’t want to bother with the MG/YA divide, but i’m not sure there’s another option if i ever want to get traditionally published, or even have a niche in indie publishing (and also i feel like indie MG probably isn’t too big of a market, because most kids aren’t even aware that exists). So it’s more of a “in the far future” thing. 

Good luck with the doctor appointment! If she does say “you’re just a normal teenager” then that’s completely her fault, tbh, and you need to go to another doctor, because there’s definitely something wrong (not in a way that’s something wrong with you, but like, it’s not good that you’re struggling, and that is wrong, but not morally wrong or anything)

Also clothes are not the only thing that have declined in quality. I have a tangle fidget (it’s like a thing you fidget with) and it’s at least 4 or 5 years old and it’s held up great, it’s only broken 1 or 2 links. Compare that to modern ones of the same brand, which come apart incredibly easily so you can’t even use it, and also several links break or become too loose to hold together in like. weeks. It means I basically have one of those I can use. Also, there’s this thing that’s kind of like a tangle but with balls, and it broke within like 2 or 3 months, and then my mom got a different brand of a similar item to try to replace it for the meantime, and it broke in a day. I’m not kidding. Like under 30 minutes. I think i’m rough with them but it’s still ridiculous. I think a lot of things are falling under the “fast fashion” umbrella but with other things.

I’m super excited becuase it’s almost Halloween! Halloween is the best holiday. Although i do Halloween all year long. But the candy and stuff is specific to the day. I’m making a costume based off of Franz’s costume from the Royal Ballet’s Coppelia (Ninette de Valoise, 2018 is the specific recording). It’s a bit different, and a little less of the saturated, color-blocked, storybook feel from the actual one, which i’m a little sad about, but on the other hand, i get to use this really pretty fabric with a subtle floral print and lots of ribbon, so overall it’s great XD I’ll post it when it’s done! Today i need to go to the thrift store (again) and get some slightly larger red ribbon and some brass or yellow buttons (i’m changing the colors on the vest very slightly in like 1 place to account for not having the whole stage for it to work with. Otherwise it’d be green and red with a blue butterfly and it’d look Christmasy.) I have a base shirt and I’m sewing sleeves over the existing sleeves, and then sewing fabric over a preexisting vest. 

In less fun news, i also have a kidney infection again :’D it’s actually not quite as bad this time maybe, but it’s getting worse, but it started right before i ran out of the long course of antibiotics i was on, and relatively soon after the iv thing that does some immune thing. It’s extra bad because i have orchestra in a few days and i’m not ready… also i need to finish my costume… (orchestra’s today and i don’t think it’s happening… which is not good because there’s not a ton of practices left and we really need to work on my concerto and also i need work on all of the orchestra music…)

I’m getting pretty excited about LoTS. I should give it a better name… anyway, though, i think it’ll be way better this time (it actually has a plot XD) I kind of want to write a more traditional ski lodge after this. Hideto’s pretty different in the original story he’s from (well there are… multiple… i like these characters too much, okay?) but i like this version of him too. I’m debating whether I should bring his sibling in or not. I think I have to, because a lot of his character is based off of them. Also should i make him and Reshinerr have a romantic-esque relationship? (Not romantic, because Hideto’s greyromantic and Reshinerr’s… idk what he is and i don’t think he does either - he’s really affectionate and sweet but hates romance XD like he draws Hideto a ton of pictures and then freaks out because he thinks they’re awful XD alterous-y ig?) idk, might be a bit much for the CB, i’m not sure where the limits lie there. i need to make more art for it anyway. I actually started something last night. On really bad paper, because i’ve mostly been drawing in this old (like, really old) sketchbook that is full of terrifyingly bad old drawings, so it might not come out great; the paper’s already degrading. *sighs* that sketchbook is supposed to be my practice drawing book, for like technical studies and stuff… oops. I really need to practice perspective more though.

The world in AtSLF is basically like, a woodland area by the sea, and there’s a lot of old magic and stuff, like a clock tower that is always right and nobody knows how it works or why it’s there. (That’ll probably come into another story; initially it was going to come into AtSLF but i think it’s better on its own) there are also multiple species: gnomes, goblins, ghosts, humans, and faeries. (why are three of them g?) this actually comes into AtSLF a lot because they have to parse through differing mythologies and try to figure out what’s true. (Generally, goblins are trusted as scholars especially of magic, since they are magical to begin - i imagine them having giant libraries that are decorated with lots of cool woodland stuff; ghosts live largely in a different plane so they often have differing perspectives; humans are rarely magical so they’re kind of seen as useless in this respect; faeries are also naturally magical but often deal with different things than goblins since they’re considerably smaller, such as having strong relationships with sparrows. (Faeries are also birdlike themselves, they have claws and their wings are bird wings.) it’s a bit hard to explain without just putting you into the world, though. I am making an entire compendium of native plants, which has been really really fun. Cynfael is really really obsessed with plants. Partially ve just adores them, and like, if a plant is unhealthy ve gets really sad (ve cares a lot about inanimate objects actually, though i think plants are different), but also, Sand taught ver to forage and such. Although ve tends to avoid things that make ver think of Sand at this point, while also clinging to them and refusing to change them. Ver room is mostly full of plants, and a lot of ver job is making herb sachets and similar things that influence how the mist’ns think, and also ve gets plants for Web and Pewter’s apothecary, which is actually what the story opens with.

I don’t really have enough time to write, draw, and play viola and violin, but i am anyway… *sighs* 

I might try out bottled_haze_ on here for a bit? i'm not sure though. the whole election thing... it's just like "why". it's horrible for pretty much everyone. 

Also, Jaybells, ik you’re busy and i’m not pressuring you to post at all, just letting you know that any time you want to pop on (if you want to, i’m not trying to pressure you ofc) you’re very very welcome :3 I should draw you a mushroom picture!

I actually feel like MG publishing has been great in a lot of ways - there have been sooo many cool diverse fantasy books, which is a genre i really like, and they’re often really good stories too. There's so little MG sci fi though, especially if you want it to be good. I really want more books that are like, horror in aesthetic, but not really about jump scares and gore and that sort of thing; like hauntings and stuff. I feel like in YA it’d usually be a backdrop for a romance and usually somewhat into the edginess, BUT, i don’t know that for sure because i mostly know that from book descriptions i read online, and so i could be completely wrong (since i haven’t read the actual books). Also it’s so cool that your grandma is an editor!! why do you think the publishing industry in general hasn't been doing great? I agree, but like, what do you think are the root causes? 

It’s great you’re on antidepressants! It might take a while to work, or find the right kind that works, just so you know. If this one doesn’t do much, maybe another will. Or maybe it’s another issue. Keep working with the doctor. if it’s suppressing your appetite, i’d really really suggest bringing that up to the doctor since you’ve struggled with not wanting to eat in the past. 

i completely agree about cheapness, also because it encourages a culture where a lot of people buy a ton and then maybe don't take care of it and even if you take the best possible care of it it's going to fall apart quicker.

I actually am feeling somewhat better! Different antibiotic. I’ve actually been able to practice today! Like, a semi-decent amount! (i’m completely like “no not at all”, but it was productive.) Of course like two weeks ago the kid behind me at orchestra was coughing (not even much) but i think i caught that because roughly since then i’ve had a cold and now it also feels like my asthma/lungs are really bad. I mean not really really bad but like, not good. But it’s been awful because so much for the concerto this year (I’ll re-audition and do it along with the winner of the new concerto competition i believe) because i’ve been really sick and even when i can do rehearsals i can’t do all of them and i can’t practice and i’m principal viola so it’s been really embarrassing. I completely could play the music but i just can’t practice enough. Luckily orchestra has been really good about it but like, i really really need to practice a lot and i really want to.

I love Hideto and Reshinerr so much it’s ridiculous XD Hideto's actually quite different in the original book, but his complete lack of impulse control remains. 

and YESS FAERIES! It’s the best spelling idk…  

I just watched New York City Ballet’s Balanchine’s Nutcracker and… i cannot. I am personally damaged by what they did to the Sugarplum Fairy. It’s not quite as bad as i’m making it sound, but that doesn’t matter. There were neon yellow pointe shoes, I tell you. Neon yellow. With white tights. The dancing was pretty good, but there just wasn’t enough of it. Until Waltz of the Snowflakes (which was actually nice), the only things that were interesting as far as dancing were the dolls Drosselmeyer brings out, and it was really short. The kids playing Clara and The Nutcracker were really young, like probably somewhere from 6-8 (i don’t know for sure, idk how to tell how old kids are), so they couldn’t really do any interesting dances yet ig? But actually, there were similarly-aged kids in the Bolshoi Sleeping Beauty Garland Waltz, and that was nice. Either way, it made it so there was much less dancing than in the ROH one, but also a lot less story. And then so many of the costumes in the Land of Sweets were horrendous. Not even in an avant garde way (well that too), but like “these colors clash both with the costume itself and also the stage”. Also. Neon yellow, pink, blue, and orange pointe shoes (all neon, in case you didn’t catch that). But i feel like I could have enjoyed it enough if they hadn’t done that to the Sugarplum Fairy and her Cavalier. So, her pas de deux variation/solo was directly after they got to the Land of Sweets. They had not done the pas de deux yet. I was wondering how they were going to do the Cavalier’s solo considering that; their answer was to just take it out. I love it though *sobs* They just had the pas de deux and then the ending pas de deux (idk if there’s a different name for it?) and it just. All of it felt so anticlimactic and wrong, and tbh the Sugarplum Fairy wasn’t even that good? Like I feel like she was likely just one of the few people in the company who could do the really technically difficult things that were required, but idk, whatever the ballet version of musicality is (expression? Stage presence?), she didn’t have it. I can honestly say I like my local production like 10 times better than this big ballet company’s. Although last year, Clara didn’t use her shoe to attack the Mouse King??? Like what??? Why is she being celebrated then? In the ROH one, she does a ton of stuff! 

I completely intend to, in the future, make a ton of pins related to ballet and such (you can make them with hot glue, a picture, and a pin back or safety pin) and wear them all the time. I'm not sure how to waterproof them. Either way I'm probably going to have to draw all or most of them. though it's not like i'd be selling them or anything. And then once my concerto performance finally finally comes I'm going to - well, ideal situation is that I'll dress up as Franz (you're allowed to change). I actaully already have a bit of a speech planned in that case. In the case that i'm not allowed, I will simply have a bunch of those pins. 

side note, i kind of feel like i'm not obsessive enough somehow. idk how to describe it. like, it's not exactly that i'm thinking about it all day even, i think about other things sometimes, like i'll draw my characters while listening to something that isn't ballet (although often ballet hehehehe) but it just has to be there. idk. it feels different than how i read online people talk about it. which is often that they're always thinking about it, but then for me in a lot of ways it's way more intense, the difference between "I go through phases where a certain show is literally all I will watch, and I'll watch the whole show over several times" and "i am very literally always watching it pretty much unless i'm practicing viola, and the day I went to a nearby big city, which was to test out violas, so very good and nice, and we were in the car all day and i couldn't watch it (and had probably watched it all day the day before), and as soon as we got to the hotel i absolutely had to watch it or else i wouldn't have functioned probably". (the first one is completely cool and valid of course, just different) although i think definitions might be different - like i think if you have 10 special interests that change a lot most likely most are hyperfixations, which would basically mean that it's shorter-lived, less central to who you are, and generally less intense. also, another side note, relatively often i see "neurotypicals have special interests too and nobody cares!" and like, it seems pretty clear at that point that the meaning has gotten watered down. i mean, when i was younger i thought that people hated cats, because i would pretty much only talk about them and considered things bad and pointless if they didn't have cats and so people were like "what's wrong with you". it's not that different people won't experience it differently, and some might not have it very intense, but nonetheless, my point stands.

sorry this is so long admins! 

My eyes are a bit bleary, but I enjoyed reading your description of Balanchine's Nutcracker, which I haven't seen. I play violin in our community orchestra, and we do The Nutcracker every other year with local ballet schools, so I'm very familiar with the music and dances.

Admin

I love it when you comment on my posts Admins! It’s so cool that you do The Nutcracker :0 I want to do that!! Sorry for the yet again really long post, have a virtual cake! 

(note to self: I might like the flourishes actually) 

Silver, I wonder if you’re right about books… that would be sad. I’d be very interested to see what your grandma says. I agree about sci fi too - if you have any recs I’d love that since I like sci fi but feel like I haven’t found much that’s good. I really like horror though, although as i said, in a slightly more subtle way.

Since beginning this post, I went to the home decoration store to see if there was anything Halloweeny on clearance (there was!! A mug with ghosts for 3 dollars! it’s like Giselle and ghostssss!)  Because Halloween is the best of course. Anyway. There were Nutcracker bedsheets. Like really really good Nutcracker bedsheets with Clara and Waltz of the Flowers/Rose Fairy (probably supposed to be the Sugarplum Fairy but it looks much more like Rose or Dewdrop Fairy - they’re the same character different name) and the Mouse King and such. I got them (under the guise of an early Christmas present, I believe). I am never changing my bed again. Ironically, I had just gotten some new sheets at Aldi just a few months ago (with space on them). But. Nutcracker. XD I have a Sugarplum Fairy doll from The Royal Opera House shop and she’s perfect for it. (i feel like i must have freaked out about it on here somewhere. Their Swan Lake dolls sold out though *sobs* She is actually very sturdy even though her tutu/skirt fabric mesh is unfinished, it hasn’t unraveled beyond a tiny rip, and that’s just because I treat her like a stuffie mostly but a bit more carefully), who I think I got for Hinamatsuri (Girl’s Day, there’s a lot of dolls, traditionally there’s a whole set that is very carefully set up, but we don’t have that so we just put up some of my dolls and a few Japanese dolls we have) which i actually adore (i’m hoping the whole “coming out” thing doesn’t ruin it this year). should i have gotten them? no. i regret nothing.

May i suggest you don’t do a novel a month or similar writing challenges? I completely get the urge, but if you’re forcing yourself to do it, it’s only going to be worse in the long term. I mean, you can sit down to write about something you’re enjoying when you feel like it and maybe get something written and enjoy it, or you can force yourself to do so, every day, and end up with nothing but daily tears. I think in the long term, the first is far better. If you like writing, you’ll probably be able to write again at some point, without burning yourself out any further.

For the record, since you said something about having ADHD in your family and being concerned you might have it, fairly intense interests can be a part of that. They’re usually cyclical i think, but it could definitely be something to look into! Or, you might just have intense interests, which is also cool. You can always talk about them with me ofc, even if i don’t know anything about them. Also, if you do think you have ADHD, I would really suggest getting that looked into pretty quickly since that could be making all of this much worse. 

I wonder if the “always thinking about it” thing is an exaggeration, actually, the more that I think about it. I also have a very short attention span and can’t ever not be doing something and overarchingly change thoughts a lot. Also, actually, they tend to count all of their interests as special interests, in which case, maybe it is “always”. Because I do think the definition has gotten watered down.

Oh and also, to expand on the “i’ll watch it over several times” thing, it’s less time per day as well. Granted i am somewhat lucky here because i don’t have a ton else to do ig (like a job or (much) school, albeit mostly because i can’t do them, and also i don’t know if i could spend that much time doing unrelated things tbh. Though that depends on if you count violin/a as a special interest, which I don’t think it completely is, but it functions as one in many ways, so maybe it is one??? it’s not as all-consuming though. I feel like it’s different.) But i guess if i wasn’t interacting with it constantly it would probably always be on my mind. Idk. it kind of is regardless though. The “neurotypicals have this trait too!” thing that often occurs always upsets me because it’s always the really mild version of it because neurotypicals don’t really have that trait. but it seems like it’s so watered down that as far as their definition goes they might. And some people do have less intense special interests but people just completely ignore that it’s not always that way.

Oh, and also, this is a random thought, it can also be strangely specific. I’m just going to use a character for this because i feel like he illustrates this well - his name is Pigeon, he’s obsessed with birds, but only smaller birds, except for certain falcons, hawks, and kestrels, and also he especially like black birds like grackles, except for like 1 kind that he just isn’t interested in that I don’t remember what it is. The actual list is more complicated but i really should pare it down for consistency but that feels wronggggg. side note though, i just thought of the idea of him dressing overall with kind of dark, horror, black stuff but then there's like this bright blue and yellow shirt with a falcon on it and that sort of thing XD idk if i'll go with that though. he's trans so i feel like he'd either care a lot or not care at all, because of dysphoria either way. I'm going to post the plot of it (and possibly something else) after this goes up so i don't overwhelm the admins

This ended up being post-sized itself *sobs*

Here’s the plot: very basically Pigeon lives in this world where only rich fancy people who live in their own rich fancy magical city are allowed to have magic, if you’re not born into that world and have magic though it’s really hard to fit in and things never go well. His sibling, Tev, has magic where ve can communicate with inanimate objects (and sometimes somewhat bend them to vis will, but ve has mostly pushed that down). They more or less live by themselves, hopping between inns and such (i haven’t actually figured that part out all the way). Tev is 15-ish and Pigeon is 17 or 18 but Tev mostly takes care of both of them because Pigeon doesn’t really have that capacity. Tev is really charismatic and very good at changing vimself to get what ve needs and that sort of thing and very much in the outside world and practicalities. Ve's pretty flashy and... idk how to describe ver tbh. Pigeon is mostly kind of depressed and anxious at this point and considers himself a burden and hates it (and himself) and sticks to his inside world. Tev is really hard on vimself about doing everything right for Pigeon (“the single thing I’m actually responsible about!”, ve might say) and is basically running on nothing but ve’s always been running on nothing so ve’s just kind of reckless at this point and is really good at ignoring and barely noticing emotional discomfort, but really really cares about Pigeon. blah blah blah, Tev accidentally magics a door in front of one of the guards intended to prevent that, the guard is going to arrest vim, Pigeon ends up getting killed trying to protect Tev, Tev escapes when ve panics after Pigeon gets killed. That is really not something that Tev can handle. The next day ve wakes up in a world in the sky where clouds are ever-changing islands, inhabited by bird people. Then ve has to find Pigeon, but that’s also a lot to explain. I might have a different plot in the bird world though, because I really want Pigeon to come into it more. That was just the original idea, and part of it was that Tev feels stuck in the wrong world because Pigeon should be in the bird world because he'd adore it. I'd say it's more MG in feeling though (i feel like MG usually has a different feeling than YA, which is what i'm pointing out, because i think writing it out it sounds much more like YA. ik you’ve said not to think about it as much, and i agree, but it does have a different feeling, though I reallyyyy think it should be more blended, especially YA.) The bird world is really cool. Partially everyone has bird wings and often beaks or talons, so there’s a lot of things in the world to accommodate that, like the way things are built and the culture. Also, few things are permanent because the clouds are always changing, and clouds that are close to each other might drift away eventually. It’s hard to explain the world though, tbh, but the book starts in the bird world, with most of what i wrote as backstory.

The last thing i’m going to write is that there’s just not enough time in the day. I want to draw more and I want to write more and most of all I want to practice more (usually I practice way more than i have been lately though). I’m not even quite sure where all the time goes. I also find it really hard to think of things to draw sometimes, and I’m not quite sure how to combat that, especially since i think part of it is just not being able to sit down and focus well enough. Actually that’s probably more the issue than time XD But i tried to make a list of prompts for ways to draw my characters (there’s a lot of that sort of stuff online). If either of you would like some, i can post them. I didn’t make most of them up but i kind of doubt that matters, it’s just like “draw your character in their Halloween costume” (which i did once, it was fun. It was Toad being like “why am i here/doing this” and there was a whole story behind it and i remember none of it. But eh, it probably wasn’t a very good drawing anyway! XD) I’ve also found that websites that have free stock pictures are great for references. (paid stock photos would probably be fine, but i accidentally put a 375 dollar photo that i did not want at all in the cart, and uhhh yeah not taking that risk XD) I’m trying to do more technical studies and such. I really don’t have the time, though, because our orchestra program is rapidly approaching! So i need to go practice! Except I did just go practice and it was me just playing things over multiple times without working on what could be better because i’m too tired and can’t think! So caffeine. Caffeine is always the answer.

except actually this is the last thing: just so you know, you’ll have to repost the necklace pic since it had a person in it. I really want to see it though! your necklaces were so pretty.