I'm sorry I basically only come in here to rant but I really need some advice or something I think. I don't want to get too deep into I because there's a lot I can't really say on here and also it's just kind of depressing and y'all don't need more of that, but here we go.

So basically, my mum has phases. And for a while it's been pretty ok, but recently she's been a lot more aggressive and basically among other things yells a lot about just about anything I do or do not do. And I can't handle that. Yelling is extremely triggering to me, and she knows that and apparently just doesn't care, but when I get upset she just gets more mad and goes harder on whatever she was on about. I can't say anything, or she just gets madder. If I try to do anything helpful, she only complains that it's not enough and I could've done better. It's so frustrating and then she'll start bringing up my health struggles (physical and mental) and guilting me about how I'm so needy when I really try not to be (I hardly ask for anything, and there's always the option to refuse, but she says I'm guilting her into giving me things/making her do things for me, like giving me a ride from work when it's dark out and miles away from my house; like yes, I could walk, but then she'd complain how I'm not being careful and am causing her distress). And then she'll say stuff like that if I was at all grateful (which she says I'm not for anything) and recognised everything she's sacrificed for me I wouldn't have all these mental health struggles (how is a mood disorder affected by that anyway?) and would stop being such a burden (which, again, is super triggering because I already have really bad issues with feeling like I'm a burden, and she knows this). Plus, I am grateful. I do recognise that she's sacrificed a lot and worked hard. If anything, it makes me feel worse because I feel like I don't deserve it and it's just being wasted. If I get upset at all, she'll say "yeah, great job making me feel bad for telling you the truth," that I "make her walk on eggshells" and am "taking in out on her because she's dislikeable." If I somehow manage to hold myself together and maintain a pokerface she gets mad that I don't care at all about what she's saying. It's just bad if I do, bad if I don't, no matter what and I'm so tired of it. There's no winning. I don't know what to do, but it's exhausting and painful and I just don't know how to keep doing this. If I say anything to anyone, she'll say I'm being dramatic and ungrateful; if anyone supports me she'll say we're "teaming up on her to make her look like the bad guy." What am I supposed to do? 

It's not always like this, too, which makes it hard. My father has always been absent/neglectful, so I depend on her, because children need someone. But she fluctuates at random and it's like we're having a great time and then something invisible to me will change and she's suddenly lashing out and I just don't know what to do. It's also usually better around other people, like she'll be nice when there are eyes on us, but as soon as no one's paying attention, whatever happens is up in the air. I'm just tired, but I am not entirely self sufficient or safe alone so I can't just leave.

Okay Jaybells have a Fritz as a dragon for now -

okay so uhhh i still don't have anything great but you're definitely not dramatic and ungrateful, and you don't have to be grateful if she's being hurtful. i'm sorry there's more. because of that in particular i really think you should talk to someone irl, like any mental health professionals you trust (i'm assuming you have them because of other things you've said, i could be wrong though). you could ask them not to tell anyone; i think they might have to go by that in some cases. or a friend. sorry that's all i can think of... but no it's not your fault. in the meantime maybe you could try to spend as little time around her as possible? Like staying in your room all day isn't great, i'm actually not able to do that, i've tried, but maybe you could go to a friend's house or something? or escaping into fiction. but someone irl would be able to find a better solution than i can, not knowing everything, and also maybe like invite you to their house or something. (although if just you being somewhere without your mom is an issue or makes her think you're "teaming up on her", then maybe texting?) and maybe when school comes back you'll be able to see your friends more if you have them, or make others if you don't, and they could help. but that's also hard.

also i hate the whole "better around other people" thing so much. Like something that usually would get you in trouble at home except you're with other people outside of home and you get all worked up and then they can make it seem like they're so nice and you got worked up over nothing and aughhhh i hate it so much. (granted, i'm not sure how much consistency there is in what gets me in trouble anyway) and the whole thing of losing no matter what. and then you have to do everything they ask or you're so unreasonable and "how are we supposed to help you if you don't do what we ask?" except what they're asking is useless at best and sometimes worse and yeah idk what i'm writing anymore

also i know not all mental health professionals are good, or even if they are they might not know the whole story and assume stuff, so yeah...  i don't think any of this is helpful but it's something. but you're definitely not unreasonable. also, i would assume the reason you find yelling triggering is because she's made it that way, at least partially.  

also Fritz was pretty little in the dragon picture :P  he's much bigger now

HI! Sorry I haven't been responding, I'm at sleepaway camp and while we technically have access to latops (it's a writing camp) I haven't really had time to come on here. I'll try to catch up when I get back this weekend (or maybe before if I have a lot of free time one day and the computer cart is unlocked). Love you guys /p <33333

okay sorry but i looked further into "ballet"core and like - what the heck?! If they just didn't use the word "ballet" or correlate it to the art form in any way i'd be fine with it. but like. it's literally ridiculous. also it seems exclusively feminine, which really really sucks because ballet is already so stereotyped as exclusively feminine. like actually the history of this is fascinating but i won't get into that. Like I'd absolutely buy something that looked like Albrecht's ROH act one costume or something (it's super cool), but it's all super hyper feminine. that being said they don't even have anything that looks like Giselle's costume. Not even the blue dress she has in a lot of other versions (i don't quite get that dress, but it's still a perfectly nice dress). Not to mention the "ballet shoes" (leopard print!! What?!) but honestly the thing that bothers me the most is that it's just - exclusively feminine, and doesn't even to take anything from actual ballets (except for maybe like "see it's a black or white swan because it's white/black and frilly!" NO IT'S NOT STOP). I actually saw someone in a white frilly blouse and a pink bow tagged as "nutcracker" and i don't even know where they were going with that, Clara's dress might be pink sometimes?? but usually it's blue or blue and white (or at least that's what i've seen the most of), maybe snowflakes but then why the pink bow, etc. but like. absolutely nothing masc. All very frilly, nothing peasanty or such. (and the peasanty costumes in Giselle and Coppelia are my favorites.) and just. it's odd to do like practice themed clothes when you don't actually do ballet. Like it's one thing if you're really interested in it ig (like if you love classical music i'm not going to think it's odd if you're wearing violin stuff), but even for me i think it'd be weird. it just feels strange and dishonest, and also disrespectful to the hours and hours people put in every week. and idk, people can be very weird about ballet so it just doesn't really sit right. but if they so much as acknowledged that male dancers exist i'd be so much happier with it. also i think i already said it but where are the concerto themed clothes idk XD (concerto is a ballet, the set and costumes are so ugly it must be intentional)

like i get this isn't a huge issue but it just bothers me so much. because it's just. not ballet. it's nothing like it. it's like "frills and pink core", but not balletcore. also it's not about the stories at all.  it's not really about ballet, it's about some random person who's probably never seen any actual ballet saying "oh ballet has cool costumes right? lemme get rid of all the cool stuff and wear it and pretend it's related!"

also side note but if "violincore" ever becomes a thing i'm going to burn down the internet 

(that would be hideous though. i can already see it. "concert black" with pink highlights and white socks. unwittingly putting baroque bows on shirts with the names of strange modern music on it. "my parents make me practice 40 hours a day" (i believe 40 hours a day thing is a meme? idk). OH NO i just realized there will be viola jokes *sobs* viola jokes are a whole thing. lemme share an example: 

at one of my music camps, I was doing violin and they didn't know i did viola. someone was wearing a shirt that said something like "violin is for cool people". Someone said something about it; someone else was like "yeah, violin is for cool people. It's not a viola (implying that viola isn't cool)". Another person, who was really cheery and sweet, was like "oh yeah, my brother plays viola so i kind of hate violists." So naturally I said "oh, so you hate me then!" and they were just like "OH NO I'M SORRY" XD one of the people was with orchestra with me and knew i did viola and was just laughing XDDD it's mostly a joke, but yeah. 

okay bye sorry 

I didn't see you had posted for a bit Silver! Btw Jaybells i’ll try to respond more later! I saw things were going better with college and I hope that's continuing.

Haha thanks for responding to the “ballet”core rant XD I just realized that I didn’t see any Sugarplum Fairy stuff though, and for that I’m eternally grateful. Idk, ruining that would somehow invoke a level of sacrilege near-unheard of in this land (except for in politics and the cats vs dogs debate. I’m mostly joking). Besides The Nutcracker being the most famous ballet in normal people land in America (which is where it was revived, idk about in other places), it’s just… idk. Plus the pas de deux in particular is one of my favorites. But the Sugarplum Cavalier always gets forgotten about :((( idk i might honestly like the music and possibly dance for the Cavalier better (well idkkkk i’m not going to guarantee that certainly)

i’d never really thought of aesthetics like that (reducing something into a few pictures) but you’re ultimately right. Also i hadn’t thought about the “wanting to fit in with it” part. I wonder if that’s more the issue than being overly specific? Idk. honestly i’m more likely to see xenogenders based off of an aesthetic or parts of it than actually look at the aesthetic itself, so i might not be the best judge here. But it really does shock me how mainstream these seem to be since i had always associated it with that sort of thing. Also i had never heard of clean girl core or soft girl core.

Hope you’re dealing with being so busy okay. I hate the school system and i never got past 6th grade XD i saw your Random Thoughts post - a 16 page research paper? At the beginning of the year? Oof. make sure you find something you can at least tolerate doing a ton of research on. Also something with a lot of research so you don’t have to start over. Maybe try looking at things you’re passionate about and starting there. Most things can connect somehow to controversy - even jewelry could have elements like class and cultural stuff and gender and all sorts of things. Or book marketing or the way people talk about books on social media or aesthetics? Idk if you’re interested in those or it’s just that i’m talking about them though

I’m officially obsessed with the last act of Giselle. Vadim Muntagirov is pretty much at his absolute best (i know i say that every time i watch something with him but *shrugs* and now i'm like "but Swan Lake" bc I'm watching Swan Lake XD). He actually stumbles a bit once because he’s putting so much into his acting in the “dancing to death” part, which shocked me because he’s usually so jumpy and almost floaty, and it absolutely pays off. (granted, Hilarion also seemed to struggle on the same step/a similar twice so it’s probably also extra ridiculously hard.) Marianela Nuñez is so floaty and ghostlike. I don’t think you can get better than this version tbh - unless if you put in more for them!!! XD in that level of classical music (especially violin), the people who get the most famous are usually the ones who are super technically advanced but not always super into musicality or expression (at least in modern days. People like Hilary Hahn, Rachel Podger, many many modern orchestras, probably more people I’m not thinking of). Probably because everyone’s a prodigy XD My favorite violinists are Shunsuke Sato and Melissa White (who I actually saw live at my local orchestra - she was AMAZING).  

As for what’s been happening i just had a 3-4 hour iv infusion two days in a row for some (possibly multiple) immune thing(s) I don’t understand! Yay? The first day i got 5 separate sticks to try to get the iv to work, and i drank SO MUCH water (which makes it easier). Luckily we didn’t have to try my hands, i hate blood draws and ivs in hands. They found one in my wrist, though. I mostly just mind because i have to sit still for 3-4 hours, which i’m awful at. I have at least 5 bruises now though (some more minor than others). Although 2 of them morphed into one big painful bruise XD

Oh and I’m going to be busy too - if all goes well, this year I’ll have Concert Orchestra (mid-level orchestra), Youth Symphony (high level orchestra) with my JC Bach concerto solo (including a *new and improved* more difficult cadenza!! :DDD), and hopefully an advanced chamber ensemble (but i didn’t officially sign up so it might not work *sobs*). And then i’m hoping that I could get together another chamber ensemble with some kids from orchestra and another orchestra (one of the people’s moms who might work actually plays in our local symphony orchestra, and also she’s really really nice. Her daughter is in Concert Orchestra and so she was asking me about bowings and she actually went up to my mom and said she was impressed, and then she was at a chamber music camp/orchestra program too), and then I have that orchestra program in spring and fall. So the chamber ensemble I want to get together would hopefully be in late fall/early spring/winter because I don’t have orchestra then. I’m really excited. 

Anyway i’m not allowed to be concertmaster again in CO because i was last year and usually the concertmaster would move up to YS :( it’s a new conductor and the first rehearsal was last night and he seemed promising. He had a very different way of doing things - he focused in on smaller sections and got them sounding really good, and trusted that we would all practice after that and we’ll do more next week.

Also i now have a word count goal for the rest of the month. I’m going to try for 9,000 words total, but my actual word count goal for each day is 450. I imagine i’ll have to skip a few hence the total word count goal. I haven’t missed yet! Because i literally started this yesterday! I think I'm probably going to miss today but I've got to at least get a little XD Also i’m going to try to set better monthly and weekly and daily goals for viola and violin. We’ll see how that goes. It’s hard because the issue isn’t that i don’t have the motivation, it’s that i’m always tired and sick. Which means that i want to but can’t. It’s harder when you really really want to. I would be back to practicing 4 hours a day or more if I could *sobs* but I just had a longer orchestra rehearsal today for YS and now i'm exhausted... i feel like my life is increasingly consisting of drinking tea in hopes I can practice later XD