Uh oh good luck on writing crunch time O_o ugh i’m kind of on writing/practicing crunch time too. I still have quite a few things to fix in the cadenza i’m writing and then i have to learn it completely… i have about a month and a half which is not a lot to have a solo piece performance ready. Also memorizing it is preferable, though thankfully i’m good at memorizing because i basically memorize everything because my eyes are not reliable at all XD anyway don’t feel like you have to be quick about responding or anything :D

My entire writing process is getting super attached to characters or worlds or whatever XD i might have to write more of the Cloudlands book and then find something cool to put in XD

Although whether it’ll end up cool is dubious XD It’s probably a long novelette or short novella, but might end up more like a long novella because I like Reshinerr too much, and the most important part is the mood/aesthetic. It’s hard to describe and but it’s basically clouds and stars and opals and light blue. That makes no sense. Here’s something that gives a small idea (also it’s not finalized at all):

“Stars shimmer like silver dust, making streaks of glow in the inky sky as they flutter towards the streets. Today, the path is paved in a blanket of opal. Just yesterday, it was cobblestone. Starlight flashes periwinkle and lavender onto its white, shreds of embroidery floss that are blown away the instant they fall. And when the stars meet the ground? They burst. Chimes ring, stardust quivers in the air, and bit by bit every last sliver fades out of reality.

“The legends go that the only thing keeping a star in this world is denial that it’s fallen. So I must have been a star a few days ago, when I was still haunting Cyrillia’s most beloved hangouts like a nightmare, hoping she would see me and forget the pain I must have caused her. 

“Why did she keep me around in the first place?”

I might write more about the plot later. But for the record it’s not the POV character’s fault (it’s Wisp here, not Reshinerr)

Also can i rant about how much harder stereotypes make writing? Obviously that’s not the worst thing they do i just hate it. Especially the whole “POC are bad parents” stereotype. Like, i don’t want to write all white characters but all of my main/POV characters have bad parents and I just… you have to work way too hard to circumvent that. And like… I was debating if I should make Reshinerr (fully) white again (him specifically mostly for book reasons and since he used to be), but i really don’t want him to be white. The fact that most of my characters are mixed race complicates it even further, because sometimes there’s like four races I have to make clear “they’re not all like this” and that’s just hard. Like… i just want to write characters i relate to without having to worry about this ToT but obviously i have to. I just hate it. 

It’s also annoying because like… when they’re a race I’m not, it’s even harder. and there's always a sense of "should i even write this?" regardless. Like, I’m almost certainly not going to change Reshinerr back to fully white. But the whole reason he was white before was related to wanting less stereotypes.  But even then it’s like… should i even write this? And it’s also just hideous that these are all stereotypes in the first place. and so it's like a constant balancing act when i just want to write these characters i like far too much. I don’t even know if i make sense i just. hate it.

Silver, if you need any help with any writing things and trust me enough (which it's totally fair if you don't, but still, you don't have to put any of my suggestions into effect), please let me know! I can probably do critiques and suggestions. but if you don't want that it's fine too. but please don't base your worth or talent as a writer off of awards. the fact that you have any is amazing, and you'd still be just a good writer if you didn't have any, and being a good writer isn't the only thing that matters anyway. idk if that makes sense but eh.

*posts* 

Ooh, yeah, so I was reading BB's issues with the 'consolidating' of neurodivergence (this also applies to mental health, amongst various other topics in my opinion). I can definitely see that. I think it should really be made clear that the spectrum is indeed just that -- a spectrum. Some are going to be more 'heavily affected' and everyone has their own preferences and interests. Everyone is different, and has their own quirks. I also really don't like when people speak in absolutes like that -- it can really prime people for a flawed way of thinking. People are complicated and in trying to 'neuter' the 'odd' or less common bits of a population, we make it so much easier to (often negatively) stereotype and profile people, and dehumanise them. It's really just not a great habit, and I get how horrible it must feel to belong to a marginalised group, and then have members of that same group tell you (directly or not) that you are not "properly" a part of that group.

I see that happen in a lot of queer, mixed/BIPOC, and/or neurodivergent or mentally 'ill' circles. Like, we already feel like we are kind of at the edge of 'normality,' or even outside it, so I think that it's really strange that people are still excluded for being/acting "too extreme" within that group. Like, I understand just not liking someone very much because of their behaviour, but everyone deserves the same basic human rights and respect regardless. People shouldn't be attacked, derided or left out if they aren't causing harm, and even if they are, I still feel like there is some sort of responsibility owed to try to include them somewhat, but I can't explain how exactly I think it should work. One of the things that I see happen a lot is people intentionally calling someone the wrong pronouns when they don't like the person (particularly for nounself pronouns because it supposedly "takes away from the LGBTQIA+'s credibility"). Like, that is just really messed up. Or when people say that they wish someone would be the victim of a hate-crime, just because they did/said something they didn't like. (Don't even get me started on the "I'm not homophobic/racist/mysogynistic/etc., I just hate when people won't shut up about getting rights for those people," I cannot with those types of people) I don't know why people find that acceptable, but I am always flabbergasted. Like, we are already up against the world. Why the heck are you at each others' throats and trying to hurt our little found-family members??? We don't need more hate and negativity, we need to work together to show that we are more than the charactures and are people worth being listened to and respected. I just can't stand when people genuinely try to ruin each other within marginalised groups. Like, please, please, PLEASE focus that frustration on the actual systems of oppression and not on people who are also being stepped on by said system.

Well put, Jaybells. I also a problem is that those low level 1 autistics are almost always very very much disconnected from… anything but (very) mild autism and ADHD XD like a lot of the time, they just don’t really know I think. There’s so much communication swirling around that only the main narrative gets noticed. Also it’s harder for higher level autistics to communicate usually, many can’t so caregivers do and autistics tend to inherently disregard caregivers if not autistic even when they’re saying things that would actively help. and like, the idea that someone could even need someone to help eat or such (beyond cooking, like get the food to mouth type thing) tends to be completely foreign to them. the idea that it's all the time, not just on a really bad day, is even more so. idk. 

the thing is i'm still pretty mild and yet it's still a completely different thing than what they're talking about in a lot of ways. it's kind of fluctuate-y I guess as well (some days do need the food help (or more likely just don't eat XD), some days not. less lately actually though). 

Do you have any examples for how this sort of thing happens in BIPOC spaces? (i’m not always great at figuring out what you’re talking about without examples)

also i hope your mental health stuff is going better. my offers for picturings or recipes or such still stand if you want them, but if you don't that's fine. 

do either of you like cooking? i'm actually better at cooking than actually eating a lot of the time XD i mostly bake. some amount of time ago (i have no memory) i made some thumbprint cookies with ganache and peppermint frosting and they were really good, and then i made some banana pumpkin bread because i was making banana bread and ran out of banana and used pumpkin and liked it so experimented more. i can't have gluten or dairy so it's kind of annoying though. i also really like making tea and hot chocolate. i grow a lot of my own herbs so it's extra fun. i brought a lot of them in for the winter and it's far too damp/not hot enough for my sage and lavender :((( I repotted the lavender with some amendments to make the soil drain better but i didn't do that for the sage so it's too wet. 

i also really like non-herbal tea though. especially oolong and green tea. black tea is fine and white tea is pretty good. i might be getting some other kinds of Japanese tea soon, though. 

i sound like an adventurous eater from this XD most days i just eat chicken nuggets and fried rice and fries hehe. i dislike food. except i also like food. idk i'm weird

i guess i should probably ask if you have hobbies other than reading and writing then. so. *asks that*

also jaybells is your dog soft? She looks really fluffy :D i like dogs. 

i have a doctor appointment soon so i have to go :((( 

I will post a bit more later but here's Fritz/Vivace! (he uses both names) he looks too small in this picture though. also he doesn't look chaotic enough. and yes, he is wearing a Christmas sweater :P (also happy holidays/winter btw! i think i'm late for Hanukkah though oops XD) 

also sorry i didn't post sooner. 

I’m legitimately curious how you managed to set your friend’s oven on fire. I have burnt things, I have burnt things horribly, I have left half-mixed batter on the counter, I have baked things and only after realized oh, I forgot the sugar, the baking powder, the flour, all three. (okay maybe not the flour because that’s pretty easy to notice but the other two absolutely) But i always start smelling the burning before it gets bad, or my mom is like “uh the timer went off” or “the timer went off twenty minutes ago three times” or such. That’s just impressive XD

YOUR DOG NEEDS HAIRCUTS?! What kind is he? That’s so funny XD

I do actually have hobbies i just don’t think of them because when i think of “things I like” it’s “ballet, ballet, Jellycats, ballet, writing, art, ballet, Jellycats, poetry, uh i guess i like gardening and tea, ballet, ballet, Jellycats, ballet”. But other than ballet and jellycats and viola it takes a bit to think of them.

I’m so bad at reading though *sobs* I’ve been reading The Spirit Glass by Roshani Chokshi (author of the Aru Shah books!) and it’s really good but can’t focus/sit still long enough :((( and then i miss everything and have to reread 20 times when i do read. 

In the New Year thing that Periwinkle posted, you said something you like about yourself right now is your hair. What do you like about it/what does it look like? 

I only see now that Jaybells posted oops. First off sorry mental health. For me,  not able to do things often is more “physically can’t” than mental health, but both are awful. I hope you can figure out what’s going on. 

I’ll see if I can post a recipe later :D Unfortunately i can’t have dairy or gluten so that will limit what i can do, since a lot of things would depend on ingredients you won’t have and also if you can gluten dairy not want not those things XD What kind of foods do you like, though? I wrote down a recipe for chicken and carrot soup with a herb-flavored broth so i’ll post that eventually. Maybe also a recipe for caramel milk, lavender milk, or hot chocolate if I can get the time to write down measurements. (edit: i just ruined a thing of caramel milk by trying to measure it out *sobs* i usually just throw stuff together and it’s great)

I HATE COFFEE (except for the coffee dance from The Nutcracker) IT’S DISGUSTING! Tea is great though. that’s where i get my caffeine i guess XD although i like both herbal tea and actual tea. My favorite kinds of herbal tea are maybe… hibiscus and lavender and cinnamon and rose? Thyme is also really good, especially in a mix. If you can get some dried rose petals (or if you have a rose bush that hasn’t been treated with any chemicals or pesticides), it’s really really good if you slice up maybe 3 strawberries, simmer them for like 6 minutes, and then steep the rose petals in that. I’m out of rose petals at the moment bc i get them from my garden :( but i really like actual tea too, especially oolong and green. Oolong is also the name of my Jellycat Smudge Elephant :P i know what you mean about comforting and mystical. Some kinds feel very ghost-y and faded, others have other connotations, and some just taste good XD What sort of things do you like baking/cooking?

btw if you can get culinary lavender I 100% recommend it. It’s a really good tea but it’s also really good in baking. Make sure the kind you get is intended for eating, though. It’s a bit hard to find; you go to a health foods store they might have it, or you can get it online. (idk if i mean the right thing by health food store, though; the sort of place where they have like a lot of organic stuff and a lot of allergy friendly stuff and probably a lot of more environmentally friendly stuff)

I can’t say i know what you’re talking about with the BIPOC exclusion thing, but that sounds really annoying. To be completely honest i don’t interact with other BIPOC very often (irl at least). I don’t even know if people see me as white or not, so *shrugs* (like, i don’t think i look white, but i don’t really look Asian either… idk)

Also jaybells i’m still not quite sure what your question was with nounself pronouns? I’ll totally answer i just don’t know what you’re asking.

bye! 

I’m working on a response to what you posted in confessions but basically it’s perfectly fine to not feel “enough” and try not to worry about being a burden, especially on the CB. We’re always here for you, and I hope you have friends who can be as well. I’m also working on a longer/more detailed thing about nounself pronouns but a.) i’m sick (I think I have been for a week or two looking back on it but it just kind of hit a few days ago; i get sick weirdly XD), and b.) i have a concerto competition in 3-ish weeks and also Christmas and New Years. It’s fine if you can’t respond too. 

YOU WENT TO A PROFESSIONAL BALLET SCHOOL?!?!?! Tell me more O_O What roles have you played in the nutcracker? I kind of wish i could dance but yeah haha no. i actually used to do musical theater a long time ago (i was less disabled then) and even then i basically could not dance. I was pretty good at singing - i got some major parts - but i am not very coordinated XD does that mean you’ve watched a lot of ballets? What ballets have you been in, and what parts?

I actually really like the taste of tea XD i mean, the quality of the tea and how you steep it are also important - for instance we have some cheaper oolong tea bags (which i frequently open up and use the non-rolled leaves inside) and we have some really nice rolled loose leaf oolong tea and it’s so deeply different. Also there are so many different kinds of tea - I like sencha much more than a more standard Chinese green tea, for instance. Also i’ll often add honey to herbal teas, but the thought of adding anything to a green, oolong, or white tea is honestly revolting to me XD i heard about someone adding honey to their matcha and was honestly shocked. like, that's just not a thing that people tend to do in Hawai'i or Japan, but i also just can't imagine it would taste good. but I do lowkey (emphasis on the lowkey) “tea ceremony” matcha XD

I also love hot chocolate though. Especially when it has a lot of cinnamon and cloves. I tend to get fancy with it.

I honestly don’t get how people can watch videos for hours. Like i get being hyperfocused on something but watching a video is just simultaneously overwhelming and not stimulating enough for me and also hard to understand so i usually don’t (unless it’s ballet). It’s easier to read because it’s less overwhelming, easier to stop, slower, and you get the input of your finger on the paper. (and i’m also better at processing written words than spoken ones, though i have vision issues with tracking and double vision and all sorts of stuff)

I still haven’t sent presents and it's literally Christmas eve *sobs* more new years presents i guess but i haven’t even finished making all of them.  

i just got a bunch of cool-seeming books from the library. Perhaps the most exciting is one that’s set in Hawai’i (i think it’s literally in the town my dad is from, though sadly I don’t know it well because my grandma lives on Maui now (she’s fine btw)). It’s kind of like a Rick Riordan Presents book (it isn’t, it’s just that sort of mythology thing). Very much excited. The other one is one that’s about saving a boba tea shop and amigurumi, from what I can tell. I love boba (though i have to make it at home; i actually think a boba chain might have opened near here but i’ve had boba chain tea and they don’t cook the boba all the way and also idk if this one has dairy free milks), though I kind of hate to because it’s very pop culture-y, and i also love amigurumi (though I’m really bad at actually keeping interest in it long enough to finish it XD). anyway i’ve been wanting to pick it up for a long time but it’s a very pink, feminine-looking book and also as i said i’m ashamed of liking boba, but i started reading it and i just could not not get it XD i’m liking it so far, though i’m probably less than a fourth in. also to be clear it's not like i look down on it because of that, it just was really really dysphoria-inducing and even checking it out i was doing my best to hide it and slightly panicking because i didn't want people to see it.

Do you guys mostly read MG or YA or something else? I have a lot of problems with the whole YA vs MG thing, but i won’t get into that (unless you guys are interested, in which case i will absolutely get into that)

Anyway i’m also getting excited for New Years. We don’t really do a full Japanese New Years; mostly we have mochi when we can get it (you can make some in a stand mixer though, and I found mochi rice, but then i have to figure out how to cook it XD) and make food. I’ve been trying to do more lately though. I think i’m going to make gyoza this year, though! And soba. I’m glad my dad has done away with the whole “clean the entire house” tradition though XD (i think he did that as a kid) Silver, do you celebrate Lunar New Year? I know it’s in a while unless i’m mistaken, i’m just curious. I probably know a bit more about it than most Japanese people because it’s kind of a big thing in Hawai’i, and i think it’s really cool. I don’t know that much though.