Unsent letters at the bottom of my drawer

Words rehearsed in my head but never said

Cut the words from my tongue, "it's for their safety (comfort, really)"

The page refreshed,

Just send my thoughts into the aether

Like a winding trail of smoke 

Watch them melt into the night sky

Until they're just as much nothing as me 

Chest so empty

But head a little lighter

This is what always happens,

So do my words even matter? 

~~~~~

Should I run away

From the monsters that made me?

Should I take their money, milk them dry

When they never cared whether I smile or cry

Since they looked me blankly in the eye

On the worst day of my life 

Never did a thing, never said a word of remorse

Just threw green slips at me on a whim

Like that would make it okay 

"Oh no, but they do care in their own way" 

Don't make me laugh, you haven't heard what they say

But "we support you"

no you don't

"I mean, they actually do"

Not in the ways I need 

But thanks for doing less than the bare minimum

After bringing me into this world, I guess

And thanks for turning a blind eye, a deaf ear

When all we needed was help

~~~~~

Restless, hurt and rage

A caged animal of sorts

If you don't see me as human

Maybe I won't act human

Maybe I'll actually do what I know to be right

Worrying naught about sensibilities;

My mind is a whetstone

So night after night I sharpen my knives

Waiting for the time to strike. 

You tell me to bury my bitterness

Let go of the past

Be gentle, be a good girl

Listen, just not too hard (can't have me getting ideas)

Be seen and not heard,

Be beautiful or be punished

Say too much and we'll blot it out,

So don't bother trying. 

So tell me,

How do you protect yourself

If you inflict amnesia on yourself every time you are struck? 

How can you let go of a past that is interwoven with present?

Why should I listen and suffer in silence,

Show respect (when it is truly unquestioning obedience you demand)

When I have never been afforded basic respect for my humanity?

Why must I smile for your pleasure and comfort

When you never cared about mine?

Why must I be beautiful for a cruel eye

That will hurt me either way? 

How could I be gentle when all I see is your violence? 

You will have to cut the tongue from my mouth,

And drain my body of thick, scarlet ink 

Before I even consider bowing to your tyranny. 

Crash and burn

And

Crash and burn

You'd think I'm get used to the cycle.

Why keep trying to fight this uphill battle?

Crash and burn

And 

Crash and burn

Even the waves have caught fire

And their salt eats at my raw wounds.

Crash and burn 

And 

Crash and burn

Whenever the rain falls I always thinks it's over.

For some reason I never learn,

Never expect to

Crash and burn

And 

Crash and burn

Again.

He said

He'd love you forever

No matter what happened

But you didn't believe him.

He said

He'd support

You forever, while you cried in his arms,

But you tried to push him away.

He said 

He'd be by your side forever

When the worst days came

But you told him you didn't need him.

He said

He'd share his life with you

When the good times came around

And you finally believed him.

One day you told him

You loved him back,

Even though you knew it wouldn't last forever. 

One day you told him

You'd be here for him

For as long as you lived, knowing it wouldn't last forever.

One day, you told him

You'd be by his side

Until he realised how imperfect you really were. 

One day, you told him

You'd share your life with him

If that's what would really make him happy. 

Then 

He said

He needed time to think.

He said nothing for a long time,

And you didn't see him for a long time.

Good times don't last forever. 

So where is he now

When you need him most?

Tell me

That someday it'll get better,

That I'll see when I'm older,

I just have to wait a little longer 

(But I'm getting too old to listen) 

Pretend

You don't know what I mean

When I say I want to go home

Cock your head to the side

Because you think I already am

Where I want to be

(We both know that's not what I mean) 

Act

Like you have no idea what I'm thinking, 

Maybe you don't

(But I know you have a clue, even if just an inkling) 

Ignore

The scars

The tearstains

The pleading 

You know deep down

Even if you said you cared,

Even if you said you supported me

You can't 

(You were lying)

I couldn't believe it

When you told me you loved me.

So much hurt, confusion, and hatred

Boiled beneath the surface, though bubbly on the outside.

I knew you couldn't see me that way, though.

I didn't want to lie if you really felt that way. 

I wanted to kiss you but also didn't

At the same time for our first kiss.

I did it anyway, and we were happy for a while.

Then reality came smashing down around me,

Not regret,

Just the painful knowledge it was not to last;

There were so many struggles, and I did not believe. 

I didn't want to believe it

When you said you fell for me the moment we met. 

What a beautiful fairytale dream you had in your head,

One that I knew would never come true. 

It was bittersweet hearing you plan out our home,

Our family, our pets, our dreams, our jobs

Our whole future life

When I knew we wouldn't last. 

You were so excited, and I

Got swept away by your sweet words, naïve promises. 

It hurt everytime you said you loved me,

Even when I cried,

Even when I pushed you away

Even when I fell apart.

I wondered how long it would take you to break

Out of that fantasy.

I couldn’t believe you when you said

You didn't want anyone else,

Even if you had to be single forever

You only wanted to spend your life with me;

I told you there were better people out there

But you wouldn't hear it. 

I didn't believe you when you said you'd love me forever,

But as time rolled on, and you stayed

Even through all the struggles---you stayed---

I must have started to believe it,

Just a little.

I should've listened to my better judgement. 

why 

do i watch videos on x3 speed do i rush my words until they bleed into a slurry of no meaning at all do i write in long rambling blocks hands desperately tearing themselves bare to keep up with the speed at which my mind moves do i jump to conclusions faster that the eye captures light or the ear swallows sound do i let my thoughts race in the dark and quiet tears coming down my face do i run and run and run like if i run hard enough if it hurts enough for long enough my problems will all just go away do i replay everything and nothing at once in my head it all means nothing i cant see or hear but i know what theyre saying and doing do i skim the words until they blot themselves out becoming thick black walls i can never climb until everything i like becomes a classified document do i push the one who cared away it's instinct its impulse its not in my control it never was do i feel the time ticking painfully slow but lethally fast

why is everything so fast in my world

because im barrelling towards the Void

and it's 

so 

close

to catching me

this time

this girl, she is

lonely, like this country. painted in shades of oxidized maroon. weeping,

weeping. she is afraid. this girl, she is crystalline.

she melts like glass, like she does not know who she is, like she

is washed away with every word.

sold, betrayed.

resurrected in the explosions, blue and star-spangled in solemnity.

in the sky, in that fading light that has been dead for centuries

this girl has been dead for millennium. yet

when you look in her eyes

they shine

they shine,

with change.

Tell me it doesn't matter

And maybe if you say it hard enough, it will be true

Tell me I heard wrong 

That it's all a misunderstanding, too 

Tell me it'll all be fine

Smile 'cross your face a testament to it's truth

Tell me that I overreact

Because that's the way you soothe. 

I breathe in water

In a way you wouldn't understand

It's not like breathing air

Maybe it's like how you can talk

In a way I can't

How you can think, steer those thoughts

In a way I can't 

See things in each other's words and movements

That I can't 

Breathe air without worry

of inhaling

all the sorrows of the world

When I can't.

It is something that you can just do

Or learn

In a way that never be as available to me. 

I am a spinner

Like the spiders I've always admired

And feared

I weave clothe from the wheel, and stories

Off my tongue

Some say that stories are just lies 

But I know

They are much more Real

For words

Always hold grains of truth,

Grains that I

Am buried beneath with every gulp of air 

I swallow,

Sputtering and coughing, aching for water.