i think my worries are the holes in the ceiling

that peek through to the abyss

growing, ever-growing; black hole opens in the drywall and

sucks away my soul

my sleep paralysis demon is a region of spacetime-

but i suppose i’m too much of a coward to help myself even when

everyone says my solution is a phd in psychology

that sits on a brown leather couch and fake-smiles

but it’s okay, because it’s a collaboration. and it’s for me.

and really, i always wanted to be interrogated about my life,

how did you know?

and it’s funny, because you don’t.

you love a cardboard cutout of my sanity, of what’s safe and

i’m so fricking tired of being safe

(and you’re so fricking tired of me)

and can’t we please just pretend you care? can’t we pretend you listen?

so that someday when you actually do,

it might not be too late?

before this endless vacuum of space seeps in through the cracks,

before i suffocate from the duct tape wrapped around my ribs,

before someone else realizes

that cardboard can’t hold up a roof.

can’t you just pretend to love me?

You say I'm a diamond in the rough

Like the one on the band on your ring finger

I laugh because carved glass must look so similar 

To an untrained eye, 

One of the most durable and most fragile materials look like the same thing

At a first glance

But who ever gives more than that first cursory glance?

I know, not many, that's the only reason I've made it this far.

You say my heart is made of diamond,

So strong, so fierce and that I make you feel safe

I wonder how you'll feel when you realise it's actually glass

Just like I've been trying to tell you all this time.

we think we believe in

clocks until

time is tripping

through our fingers  

no numbers can explain

why the world pauses in

its rotation to watch her

knee brush mine

why minutes crumble beneath

my feet like dried leaves

as the countdown begins

don't put a limit on my ending

it will duck away

slippery like soap and seconds 

like the curl of her lips

picture a grasshopper 

a ladybug

let the finale evade our grasp

flit from our hands

it's sweeter that way 

when it taps me on the shoulder

I'll only think to stare into its eyes 

rather than hers.  

It’s written in the stars,

Our fates

They say

And when I look into that speckled void

Disaster is what I see:

A shattered heart, a broken wing

A pair of crumbling souls no longer able to sing.

I am the bull, and you the twins

Though it should be reverse, the truth remains that no one wins.

Easily frightened and flighty,

Full of passion and motion, thrill, fear, and anxiety 

Fluid, flirty, ever on the move

Projecting warmth, but ever-afraid of finding true love 

Is me.

Meanwhile you are strength, fortitude

A solid castle, the fort to be sought when trouble’s brewed 

A stalwart, gentle king you are

Always willing to search the land for your love, wide and far

You're free 

From the monsters that tear me up inside, 

You'll never quite understand, although kind

I am utterly undeserving of your affection 

Of your mirth, your love, your attention.

I stumble

Where you stand strong

And I fear we'll never last for long.

~~~~~

I wrote this earlier this week, but didn't post because it didn't feel finished. :/  I just added the last stanza to make it fit with the theme of "stumble" for the poetry contest, and I guess I kinda wraps up better?

sometimes i wonder how i will make it through the next 3 years

1064 more family dinners

12 more haircuts and the 60 days of crying it’ll take to set them up,

plus asking 360 times to even have that conversation

believing there’s something wrong with me for 1532160 more minutes,

wishing i was someone else for what feels like ∞

living as myself for 0 if i’m still too much of a coward

in the 91929600 seconds i have to decide

waking up 1063 more times

if i’m lucky

and i’m so, so lucky

to have the time to know i have no right to feel bad for over 25536 more hours before

saying goodbye 1 time and for all

and then i will be my own person and

really, nothing will change. and i shouldn’t even hope,

for what is the point of getting through every one of those

1064 days 25536 hours 1532160 minutes 91929600 seconds

if i’ll keep counting afterward?

i don’t know.

but i guess at the end i can look back and wonder

why i didn’t treasure my time more,

why i bother being depressed when the sun is shining,

and why i’m so broken.

fractured into countless shards and i sit here, trying to pick up the pieces,

labeling each one oh-so-carefully

as if some part of me actually mattered.

1, 2, 3, 4…

I know what Euridice meant 

When she said all she wanted was to fall asleep,

Close her eyes and disappear like a petal on a stream,

A feather on the air

I know what Euridice meant about the cold

It hurts so much

So gods darn much

And tires you out in a way that you can feel the life draining from you

Like you're already one foot in the Underworld

But the Bright ones keep trying to pull you back

And it's hard not to resent them

For being so bright

For hurting you so by thawing your fingers with kisses

Before letting them freeze all over again.

They don't understand what it's like to be hungry 

To be out all alone in the cold.

But it's also so hard not to fall in love with their radiance

With that sweet, biting warmth of hope.

It hurts so much when you're let into the light

But it only gets better

So tantalisingly much better

Until you remember that Night falls at the end of every day

And it's your turn to be Persephone

Returning to your own personal Hadestown, Sisyphean

A place that's yours, but you've grown to hate

For it becomes a smothering heat,

A mechanical, fossil-fueled light

And you know that soon it'll end,

The winds will blow once more

And you'll be back into the cold

The anticipation is so thick that you almost want the cold,

Just for the aching wait to end;

For your love is busy

Composing his song to save the world

A world he knows so little of

And you are on your own, all alone

Because trust is such a fragile, brittle thing.

When it comes down to it he’ll look back, wondering

And you don't have time for that

Because in your world, the past has already passed

And you have to start walking,

There's no looking back.

RYHME, HAIKU, RYHME

-Half full, half empty