~~~~~

Might be my last post for a while 

sometimes i feel as alone as if every star in the universe was an eye

judgment apparent in every beam of moonlight

through my bedroom window against the wall, laser beams

a maze of trip wires, trigger one and they all blaze red

constantly burning,

never

alone.

wishing for a second chance, or maybe

even a first?

just one time where it doesn’t matter what i choose

and maybe then it really would be a choice, i could find what i want instead of what you don’t;

live by what i love instead of what i hate,

or

just

live.

look in the mirror by the light of a thousand eyes and she stares back

hide in a corner and i’m a stupid girl who can’t

control her emotions or tears, and what could be more

fake

than that?

uncurl and face the world; but what is there to see behind the body she was born with?

the body he tries to forget they try to forget but

she will

die

with.

because it’s not something i can ever change no matter how

hard

i

try,

and maybe i’m only pretending to want to, and there is

no better life to even dream of after all so

i

guess

it’s

fine.

the first one was depressing and this one's just short and bad idkk

music pounding through my headphones always screams in a way i’m too anxious to do;

thunderclaps and laughter manifest, ecstatic through the pounding rain

drowning with my eyes wide open, when finally not so alone i

will

no

longer

be

afraid

of living. 

Puppy Love

-- 

The man said,

“I wish to change”

And the dog said,

“I love you anyway”

The man cut his hair,

And the dog shared it with the birds for their nest

The man changed his name,

And the dog barked all the same

The man said,

“I want a cat”

And the dog faltered.

For cats could scratch,

And the dogs maw still had scars

But he loved the man,

And so he said,

“Okay”

The man prepared for the cat,

And the dog’s tail no longer wagged

But he did when the man was around

For he loved the man,

Feared the cat,

And wanted the man to feel joy

Perhaps if the man always had a cat,

He wouldn’t have gotten a dog.

her fingers grip mine as

we run down the soccer field

I can’t think about her hands because

I just keep imagining his but

I also wish this didn’t have to end because

then my hands would never feel useless but

I also wish this had never started because

then my hands would never know

what it feels like to be wanted

in another universe this feels right to her but

I don’t believe in the multiverse

I don’t think anything exists outside this moment and

I hope you’re hearing wedding bells because

then I wouldn’t feel like I’m hallucinating and

I hope that the sparks coming from our skin are

flickering in your eyes too and

I hope that you’re forgetting about him right now

even though I can’t and

I know that my mind is a train that derailed far too long ago but

I just want you to understand

what it’s like to want something

that you shouldn’t have. 

our words click together across the screen

like legos

and just like legos underfoot

they're sharp, and hurt like nothing else 

i wonder if you can feel the gentle voice I speak in

but when i read my words

they feel cold

and abrupt 

and I realise why you always say it's hard to text

typing isn't hard,

it's the distance

created by cold hard print

impersonal

and cruel

our words click against each other through the screen

and I can almost see sparks fly

I wish

they were the good kind of sparks

the kind of sparks that flew when we first kissed 

the kind that are bright with a light, airy feeling

instead of the sound of metal screeching 

and the impact of a collision

I dread texting you back

what scathing words will fall from my fingertips next

but I also squirm with anxiety

when you go silent,

even if only for a moment