Tap

Tap

Tap

Right out those big hinged doors;

Up

Up

Up

The hill to go home;

Turn right or keep going straight?

The path to the right curls back around,

And the path forwards

Turns sharply to the left a little while up.

I stood at the junction not yet knowing:

Going forward would step me out of my situation,

But would also force me to endure

Hardships and horrors I could never have imagined,

While the road going back

Held the painful, terrifying past I wanted only to forget.

I took the path forward, but my mind went the path going back

And I have to wonder, did I make the right choice?

I stand at the junction and

this time I turn right.

This is my home,

for today

anyway. 

Sometimes

It feels like I've

been crowded out of my own home;

Like the channels I used to watch

And people I used to talk to 

have moved on without me;

The posts I typed out years ago

Are but a distant no-memory

For everyone but me;

And it feels like I'm the only one who remembers

Our Church before they painted the bathrooms,

And took down the bulletin board

Our house before the fire and the one before that;

Sometimes

I wish I could turn back the clock

And melt into a time before 

Everyone got older and forgot;

A time where there were still problems,

but no one else remembers those,

Back to a time where it didn't feel like there's an elephant

Sitting on my lungs, forcing the air out of them

Everytime I look at my old blog,

With it's drawing and fanfics and poetry dated years old

And I wish I could still bring myself to pick up a pen

Or brush or tap-dance my fingers across my keypad

But I can't--

Each time I look

My throat closes up

Insides squeeze tight

Like they're getting ready

to outrun some horrid creature.

But there is no horrid creature.

Just me and my history. 

Poppies and mushrooms

Bloom from your fingertips,

I can only sadly watch on.

I wonder if you think

You know who you are,

Or if you're just, confused and hurt?

I wish I could reach out and hold you close,

Soothe you, and tell you everything's fine

But we're a Universe apart.

And I think we both know everything isn't fine.

Not anymore. 

So I watch you cling the fragmented memory(?)

(can you remember it?)

Of someone who you truly loved

And spin a fake world to lull yourself into ease, lost in a dream. 

I see you cry yourself to sleep, and I wonder if you know...?

But it hurts too much and you're probably fine for now

So I leave the scars undressed, and let my dread linger.

Surely, this is not the end. 

~~~~~~~~~ 

Just a sad musing of stuff I've been... into? lately. 

I try to escape, but am always pulled back

Like a crab trying to scurry from the curtain of the ocean;

Drawn back into the tide with each coming wave.

I clamber to the top of a tall black spire,

But as soon as I reach the top and look down

I am grabbed by the ocean far below and thrust back under;

I struggle at first, but can't resist for long.

Despising this cycle, I wonder if the problem is me;

Am I not strong enough?

I let my guard down, I think I am far away enough

That's what leads to my 'return.'

~~~~~~~~~~

Disclaimer: This is an analogy for struggling against 'toxic' things. Relationships, groups, places, etc. It is not meant to be taken literally.

'I wish I weren't like this.'

Those words never should have been uttered;

And the universe, despite the circumstances

Of the one(s) who said it,

Rains down device punishment and misery and destruction

For this unwitting 'crime.'

Not that they needed it. 

I wish

to lose

myself;

It just hurts

Too much.

But life will move on.

Life always moves on.

Sometimes without

us. 

How are you?

Feeling the weight of a thousand mountains on my shoulders

I'm falling apart and you don't

Notice my pain

Even as I melt before your eyes.

I'm fine.

I don't know how anyone 

Could ever be more infatuated

By something natural in this world,

Because 

I love the way words

Fall from your lips, rounded

Like pearls, shining

Like sparkling diamonds.

I can never truly describe the way

Your smile

Drives me crazy in all the right(?) ways

And your contagious laughter

Makes my insides melt.

How even silence can be spent

With ease in your presence;  

But your eyes are not on me,

Beautiful as they are,

They trace after him instead,

And oh they glow, a way I've never seen

From you before. 

You smile different, for longer, and don't even notice

Your laugh turns giddier and truer around him.

And so I nudge you forward with a smile,

Chest aching 

Because I love you,

And cliché as it sounds I will do anything

to make you happy.  

After all, deep down I know 

I could never

Be everything you need.

Everything you deserve. 

No, you know what you want; I trust you. 

So, yes, I send you off with a smile;

Wave and cheer you on as my cheeks begin to ache;

But I mean that smile more than ever before--

I do,

Really. 

I love that you're so happy. 

So happy in someone else's love. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Weird spacing? :/ 

I can feel myself being snagged

Drawn down, sinking;

I try to fight back but am always

Captured once more

By smooth voices, bright eyes

Soft sensations from inside;

It sparks my curiosity, inspires intrigue 

And never lets me go,

Or gives me a chance to say no. 

I try to fight, to say not interested, goodbye

But they always wiggle back into my life.

Once they're in, they tear everything down

And eat up endless hours at a time;

Burying me in lore and angst and more pain than I can handle

They stir up things I'd rather leave hidden

And forever forgotten. 

I think I might drown for real this time.

I wish only to melt

Into your golden eyes,

Far from a world too full of pain;

But was the world I remember any better

Or am I simply less blind, now than ever?

'Perhaps,' I scare myself when I think,

'I was better off blind after all.'

'What seems like the end 

Is often only the beginning' you say,

But I scoff,

'The beginning of eternal torment?'

What kind of life is that?

I think I would rather

See an end to it all

And know that

All is 

Truly

Over.