so people see

okay. so Hex, uhhh this exists. to be honest i kind of like it especially now that i've colored it (though the colors are slightly different in real life - I can NEVER get colors to look good in my pictures. unless it's my computer screen i guess). It's rare that a drawing goes from a sketch to an inked drawing to a inked and colored drawing well; often I end up liking the sketch and then hating the inked version, or liking the inked version and hating it with color XD I like his face though. the shading on the shirt is less obvious in real life (in a good way). anyway. i'm stalling. whyyy did i post that late night comment XDDD i wish i had taken a picture of just the ink outline though... it looks different with the colored pencil and i had to redo part of it in colored pencil so it looks worse.

Next installment will be coming soon! In the meantime an unimportant update that i felt like writing anyway and a few questions:

@Arlo - can you please give Rell a personality? I guess I forgot to ask, sorry about that. Also it’s great that two of our characters are circus people, that’s fun :P 

@Hawkstar, any thoughts on Echo Rose's age? (see other comments) 

Unimportant/rambly update begins here: obvious disclaimer that Reshinerr is only one character and therefore only one representation of autism. And technically one that’s maybe more “stereotypical”? But in that case it just means like visible so it’s not really a good argument. Like people are like “oh it’s stereotypical for an autistic character’s voice to be monotone” and maybe but then they make it sound like a bad thing instead of just a thing that happens. Obviously there are a lot of other presentations. For instance most people online have much milder meltdowns, and some people mask, and some people can’t talk at all, and that sort of thing. However any character i relate to as far as symptoms is never written well.  

Which brings us to the update on writing style: in previous installments i have been somewhat generous with my descriptions of other characters’ emotions and, in general, Reshinerr’s understanding of them and anxiety from them. While the general idea won’t change, in general i’m going to start doing less of this. In an attempt to bring across Reshinerr’s anxiety i’ve been having him think about specific things he might have done wrong. But i find that slightly unrealistic for him and his personality because like uhhh i can’t actually even like basic idea of what i’m trying to say even as a concept but like… i think that actually says a good amount actually. Which also explains that i kind of find it difficult to write in a realistic way. Anyway i’m going to be writing him more like my actual thoughts now is what i’m saying. There will still be plenty of anxiety, it’ll just be different. Obviously he’s not me, but quite a bit of him is based off of me.

This is mostly because of an issue i have with the general trends of how autistic characters in books are portrayed. Basically it’s because in general, the only time autistic characters are portrayed in a remotely respectful way is when they’re very independent (generally with a heavy focus on masking and often a mild disdain or just heavy ignorance for anyone who isn’t like that why), and the only time any disabled character who isn’t independent is ever portrayed is when they’re actually a huge genius. Both of those are fine on their own but they’re really the only options, and like that it’s not great. I feel like the books i have read don’t work in a lot about internal thoughts in a way that feels less neurotypical. Which is probably intentional. But it does kind of ruin the relatability and make reading harder and i’m already bad at reading. 

Anyway the only characters that kind of act more like i tend to (though that varies wildly and there’s a bunch of weird stuff like i can bake (but not put stuff in the oven i’d probably burn myself or fall XD) but not get tater tots out of the toaster oven heh, or i can write all this but not like basic stuff or like in real life) are usually like the nuisance characters who maybe the main character gets an arc about learning to be somewhat nice to if we’re lucky. I remember this character who was really good as far as symptoms went, but her purpose was entirely a nuisance for the main character to hate. Although even those characters are still usually more normal than me in other ways... ah well. and then you see people saying that like "that's not what real autistic people act like" or that sort of thing. anyway.

anyway idk how to end this so *ends*

hey so could someone please tell me why someone would dislike pigeons? like are they scary or something? I actually don't think it's that uncommon strangely, so. idk they're really cool birds and really pretty. i need this for the story and have been getting stuck without it heh

also @Hex - if that doesn't look like Izar honeslty can we keep it? You didn't specify a specific race so I just went with how I pictured him, but i'm kind of attached to that appearance at this point. he is your character though 

idk if the number is right BUT!

*i can never decide if Hideto's hair is frizzy or limp... we went with frizzy here

~

The instant Onyx leaves the room, Hideto sinks to the floor. I hesitantly step back. There’s a bunch of books about art in a nearby shelf and i want to look at them and i want to get away from him. But sometimes people get mad when I go away, and other times they get mad when I don’t, and there doesn’t seem to be any logic to it.

Huge as it is, this is probably the smallest room of the actual Library. The side I’m at now, closest to the hallways, is mostly bookshelves and empty space. 

While the other side’s walls are still towering bookshelves, the floor is mostly taken up by intricate tables. Carvings of stories from constellations snake up their legs, and many of the tops are decorated with stained glass or detailed paintings of nebulae or planets or solar systems I’ve never seen. Maybe I’ll look for a book about painting. Watercolors wouldn’t paint the tables, but i’ve always wanted to use them. 

Then Hideto looks up and I freeze because now he can see me. He’s fairly short, and somewhat chubby. His clothes are simple: a thick grey-blue henley shirt with pilled, faded fabric; a charcoal button down shirt; khaki pants with a thick belt; and work boots. His skin is a tiny bit darker than mine and much warmer, and his black hair is frizzy* with several cowlicks competing for space. He’s almost always slouching and adjusting his shirt. But then, his hands seem to always be doing something.

He leaps up without warning. “So. You’re Reshinerr. Right?”

I blink, still shocked from the sudden movement. I am Reshinerr. I think. That’s what people call me. And i don’t hate it too much, unlike other things i might name. 

I’d rather think about what i’ll draw next. I head over to the art section. 

Hideto follows me. “Well. You - I guess - you know who I am.”

I stop. “Yes.” Why is he following me?

“Then - sorry about Onyx. I guess.”

“Huh?” Did he bring them here?

Hideto freezes. “Well - never mind then. You seem to like your cat? Or - whatever their name is?”

I look up, eyes wide, fidgeting furiously. “Speckle. And - and -” i’m too excited for words. I step forward and hold Speckle out for Hideto to pet, then wonder if maybe i shouldn’t and he’s going to grab her and - and hurt her or -

He just asks if he can pet her and then does. “What are their pronouns?”

I hesitate. She/they and moss/moss and really whatever I feel like at the moment. But I just say “she/her.” I don’t really want to let Hideto know how much I know about all this stuff. And at the same time that’s all I want.

He nods. Then he tenses. “So what do you know about this place? Like, where do these people come from? Is there any way to get out, or maybe bring someone else here?”

“Bring someone else here?” I repeat his words before I fully grasp their meaning. Why would he want that?

Hideto straightens. “I just want all the information.”

“All the information.” Oh. I hesitantly sit on a chair. I don’t want to, but my ankles throb and my muscles threaten to give out. I hold Speckle out to him again. “Her - her tail is crooked.”

He nods. “She looks well-loved. Surely you’ve researched, though?”

All of a sudden I’m so tense I’m shaking, so tense I can barely fidget to take some of the tension away. Of course I’ve researched! How could I not have?

But how can I do anything when he’s here? How can I research when the words on the page pound through my head without meaning anything, when the ink letters bleed into spiders and scurry under the leaf litter? How can I research when I’d rather think about Speckle, about the world she lives in? 

But there’s no way to say this. Even the meanings I’m trying to put into words evade me, hidden behind a rainstorm of emotions. It’s like trying to catch slippery earthworms in a raging flood: if they make it through the torrential rain on asphalt, they’ll scorch in the sun later. If they survive, it’ll only for some cruel kid to step on them.

I glance around all of a sudden. Some memory is playing in my head, somewhere I can’t access it. But like a bat snatching a bug out of a pond, it creates ripples. Each wave is tiny, but the ripples shudder through me. I feel shaky.

Hideto stands up, his chair slamming into the ground. “So you haven’t researched at all?” 

I start to stand up, but my ankles hurt so much I collapse back onto the chair. I stutter like Onyx did earlier and I don’t want to and I just want to go home but where is that? would it be here, if the other people were gone?

Hideto sinks back into his chair and lays his head on the table, like he’s exhausted all of a sudden. For a few seconds he doesn’t move at all, and I almost panic - is he okay? But then he sighs. “Okay. So maybe we can figure this out -”

“I did researched!”

Hideto looks up for a second. “Ah. Great. What did you find? Any good books? Maybe the legendary elixir of focus or not just reading the same thing over and over 20 times and not getting any of it?”

I burst into laughter so hard I can barely talk through it, even though I can think of the words. “I - I - no but - maybe - it’s in the - it’s in the room of, of, of illusions! You go in there. You find it. You drink it. And then it disappears and it’s all magic. And none of it ever mattered. And -” I’m laughing too hard to talk again.

Hideto tilts his head, grinning a bit as he looks at me. “Of course.” Then he adjusts his shirt and sinks back onto the table.

“I - I’m joking.”

“I figured. I guess in this place you might not have been though. Just - let me know if you find anything. You know. Maybe we might be able to figure any of this out, but uhhh probably not if it’s just me.”

I hesitate, but nod even though i doubt i’ll be much use. “Why - why are you interested?”

Hideto doesn’t move for a few seconds. “I just - well, er -” He sits up. “Well anyway, for all we know this place could be plotting to kill us.”

I shrug. if it was just me, it'd be worth it. even with other people here i barely care.

I stand up. Hideto seems to think I might be of use, and i kind of want to help. even though i’ll only disappoint myself. And when research is hard, there's only one place to go: the common room. 

well, or the depths of my mind. But i'll do that regardless, so i might as well pretend i'll be productive.

Ohhh right age~ I'd say Echo is around 16 at this point (and I think she's a selkie now just to specify)

AND! and. This is crazy good! I'm  loving your writing style, and how everything is just kinda coming together. I actually just read everything already posted today, I hadn't realized it started