Arguing over

stupid things

is weird

The tension

so thick

You can cut

with a knife

Go slice slice slice

and put it on a plate

And say

Hi, want a slice of tension?

And when you expect

The room to laugh

And all you get

Is silence.

Your cheeks grow hot

and you run

run

run

run out of that room

away from that life

I drown in that forlorn voice.

I really do,

Music has always been more 

than just sound

to me, so I choke inhaling the healing water

this song has to offer

It hurts, the burn of my throat as it creeps down

Stealing the air out of me

I knew it would hurt, it always does, but this much?

It's in another language

One no one else here could understand

But to me it means

So much more than just a pretty voice,

It speaks to the things

I've tried to forget, memories I've tried to trample

As it sings of the past

And how we can heal from those things

Washing clean and pure,

Its waves meant to soothe and ease the pain

of the hope we still hold

It's a sad, nostalgic, but ultimately hopeful song to the future...!

All the while, unwittingly,

It pulls me deeper and gives me the opposite;

A watery grave.

Buried and bogged down until my head no longer

Could bear the weight

Sinking, sinking; it's beautiful in a sad way

It mirrors the song

It's serenity while telling these stories is indeed haunting

Stunning. Absolutely stunning.

I step through the crowded halls,

High-school is just as loud as junior high,

But now I have my music

Playing in my ears, stealing away my attention 

None of the voices or words from the outside

Can be picked out by my ADHD brain,

They are all now just a blur, as they should be.

I love that feeling of distance, like I see the chaos before me

But only through a veil as the music snakes through my headphones

Maybe it's sad today, maybe serene or chilling,

Maybe it's thoughtful or empowering, funny or just plain pretty; 

But it doesn't matter, because I'm sealed more literally than ever in a bubble

It's not just a feeling of isolation, now I really am alone in a way

But the feeling doesn't linger, I don't dwell on it

If anything I feel happy, free in my enclosed space, separated from the world 

And, oh, does that feeling give me everything 

I wish I could live like this forever, and my wish comes half true

When I step in the classroom, not sparing any of the prying eyes a glance

Sit in my seat and leave my earbuds in, no one will even ask for them to come out

And so, if not for just a moment longer, I'm allowed to stay in that world of wonder and escape. 

One heart stops

As the sirens blare

Red and white lights flash

Screaming screaming, in stark contrast

With calm faces 

Calm footsteps

And empty silence

The sun is golden outside

It's surreal, the peace out there

Compared to the chaos that is inside

It's too crowded

But that heart now soars 

It feels like a splendid event

Marching out here with everyone

Under a brilliantly shining sun

i guess you’re right

but it’s not that simple.

sometimes you treat me like i’m omniscient

like i know everything like i’m some sort of all-knowing human being (anyone ever told you

that isn’t possible?)

sometimes you act like you know who i am more than i do and

i know that you’re not trying to?

but it’s hard to be someone else when you put me in that box. try to give me those labels even though

even though i don’t know because being ninety percent sure on something isn’t

the same as one hundred.

and maybe someone else would appreciate that.

maybe someone else would enjoy being regarded as someone who knows more

(when in reality? i just checked that email she sent out to everyone)

(when in reality, i’m just lucky enough not to spiral when things get stressful)

(when in reality

i’m just lucky enough not to need help in so many ways & lucky enough that i’d be able to get it 

if i did)

maybe someone else would enjoy being told that

“no, you’re definitely insert-label-here, no, you definitely don’t have to question

who you are”

because i do? because don’t we all? because it’s a part of growing up maybe

it’s a coming of age.

and because maybe you don’t know what i’m thinking, maybe you don’t know every

little thing about me and even though you think i need to do it for you

need to tell you where to find all the answers help you calm down help you be brave enough

(i’d be happy to, but what you don’t see is that you 

do it all on your own, i just have to give you a little push down because you got stuck)

maybe you also think you know everything.

on some topics.

that is.

the wrong topics, because honestly you’re a smart kid and i know you can handle it

and you don’t know everything but you know a lot

more than you give yourself credit for.

maybe it’s because i’m your constant, the one thing you always know will be there.

and i’m happy to be.

but also maybe i’m not as two dimensional as you don’t even know you think i am. 

~~

full disclosure this was a complete vent poem. i wrote it in less than five minutes in a moment of intense annoyance and stress earlier today and never edited it. so like. :,)

though just so you know? the person who I'm referring to as "you" is amazing and I love her (platonically obviously) and idk, I just feel like I have to take care of her a lot even though she's only a year younger than me and in my grade bc her parents are really... just not on it.

yeah i'm oversharing now so I'm just going to post :)

also heyyy! i know i've been kind of absent but i'm baCk or as much as i can be considering *school* 

Gales tear at me and my clothes

But I stand steadfast.

The long green stick looks intimidating

But it bends to my will like butter.

The dark sting is coarse and tight

But I tug and string it effortlessly.

The wood of the shorter stick is flimsy-feeling

But I know it is as durable as can be

My heart syncs to the beat of the hooves

The rhythmic up-down, up-down, up-down

As I post, strong, firm; 

Stand up, stay up; strong arms, strong legs

Notch the arrow, pull taut with the tips of three fingers and-

Time seems to freeze for a second, and then 

THWANG! THWANG! THWANG!

My bones vibrate from the force of the releases

But I stand upright, tall as a tree,

Stance firm as can be

Unwavering, unfazed

As I lower my trusty bow and turn my eyes forward,

Still falling and rising to the song in my head.

~~~~~~~~~~

Mounted archery is fun~ 

I wake up and the world is the colour of an orange

A big, juicy orange, where the juice gets everywhere.

But soon the sky was dyed again, shining with mango

Things finally mellowed out and banana rules all

Before everything turns to a dirty green kiwi-colour 

And I start to wonder if fruit-tinted skies are all the world has to offer.

I bet on cherry-red tomorrow morning! 

We've grown up and we've grown apart

I'll admit it feels weird to have you laughing

And not looking at me

My eyes are just drawn to you

And I'm startled to hear you say

Something so rude about a teacher

And how dumb the assignment last night was

As you talk to some other girl you must know

I can't help but wonder if you always thought that way

And you were just worried I would judge you

Since I was always happily talking about how schoolwork

And then moving on to discuss our next plans

I wonder if you held it inside of you, if you resent me

Or if you're just playing your chameleon game again

Because that other girl was complaining first and you want to fit in

But I don't say anything and you don't notice me anyway so it's fine

I dismiss the thought, none of my business

Maybe that's just what highschool does to you

But I do wonder if I really know you

I think, or thought, I did

But...

I press pause and look again

Your black hijab can't hide the glossy wavy black beneath

Your dark blue mask can't hide your radiant smile

Your eyes(that look nothing like your sister's, despite what everybody says)

Are still just as dark and magical and prettily-shaped as ever

And I swear I'm not jealous and never was

(seriously, I've finally gotten over it)

So I decide your appearance may have changed somewhat,

And we might not be best friends, or even friends at all anymore

But you're still the same in the inside I realize

when I hear your fake, overly-pleasant voice peak through

And I'm positive that that other girl doesn't notice

No one but me does.

Sometimes it looks like you've grown up so much,

You wear the mask of an adult seamlessly 

When you're really still that superficial, insecure kid.

I can't help but envy that. 

~~~~~~~~~~

This was a lot more prose-y. She was my best friend starting when I entered public school and ughhhh so much change, but not really??? I don't know, but she doesn't even talk to me anymore so I guess it doesn't matter. Oh well. 

A bit of rhyme that came to me while procrastinating today:

~Today Tastes Like Apples,

And bright sunlit trees,

The prospect of pumpkins,

And cool, intoxicating breeze.

Today looks like colors,

Rich, sappy yellow-greens,

Glaring rims of orange,

The gray steam of tureens.

Today feels like Saturday,

Like flannels and fleeces,

Fluttering fallen leaves like

Scattered checkers pieces.

Today has many meanings,

But this day, most of all,

Today tastes like apples,

And the freshest notes of fall.~

Pitter patter

Splash and splatter

Dash in tatters;

Fast

but never

Fast

enough. 

Escape this ever-changing maze

Break free, out of this endless haze;

Find the long-forgotten sun,

The lost world beyond these cold dark halls you run, 

Remember your new purpose, to become

Something more than dry bones in walls, brittle and numb;

Never cease, never stop nor drop,

Not until you've reached the very top; 

Only then may you rest,

Only once you've become the undisputed best.