Chatterbox: Down to Earth

I need to vent. I don’t have anyone else to really talk to right now, so here is all I have. It won’t hurt my feelings if everyone ignores this; I just need to get it all out of my head.

I have anxiety. I know that now. I hate it. I hate the feeling of beeing scared to leave the house. I hate the feeling of closing my eyes to sleep just because I know something’s there. It’s not even a specific something; it’s just there. I’m taking medications, but I hate them too. They make me sick, emotionally and physically. I feel like I’m going to throw up every time I take them. I hate that I have to take a stupid pill every day just to be stupidly normal. I don’t even know what normal is at this point. 

I can’t sleep. Sometimes just the idea of closing my eyes and leaving myself vulnerable terrifies me to the point of staying up all night. Sometimes my brain just doesn’t stop; it just keeps going. Sometimes it’s a physical thing and I just can’t fall asleep. The meds for sleeping though make me emotionless and yet somehow manage to make the anxiety worse. Then again, if I don’t take them and actually sleep, the anxiety’s worse anyway. 

I have one person other than my parents in my life that i can trust to talk to without a screen protecting me. He still doesn’t understand. He tries, but he could never understand. Not truly.

I feel fake. Every time I’m on here, I always feel pressure to make sure I don’t hurt or offend anyone. It’s not as bad as in real life, but it’s still horrible. I feel like every time I post or say something that I’m bothering people. I feel like every time I talk that I’m bothering people.

I’ve tried a therapist, I’ve tried multiple, and I’ve tried the meds. I’ve tried helplines or whatever you want to call them. Nothing ever changes. Nothing helps. Nothing ever freaking stops. 

I’m sorry. I just needed to get it out. It hurts too much.   

Keep talking and trying. Think of good things, things you enjoy doing. Never give up. You can get through this.

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