Do you ever have that nervous energy of just.. needing to move? Like, your body literally feels like it’s going to jump out of its skin if you don’t do something. It’s annoying. It’s five in the morning, and I can’t sleep because I have to keep moving. Can’t stop. Can’t stop. I don’t know why this happens and keeps happening. I just want to sleep. I’m exhausted. Apparently my body is not. 

I’m hungry now too. I don’t want to eat. Eating disgusts me sometimes. Still not sure why. I like food. Why can’t I eat without wanting to stop eating?

School is so freaking stressful. I don’t understand Algebra 2. I cant concentrate on literature. Biology is so incredibly boring. I don’t understand half of the questions for history. Speech is horrible. Health is annoying. Consumer Math makes me feel like an idiot. I cant do simple math. My brain just can’t do it. I’ve always been good at math. Why is it different now? 

I don’t care for things I used to. I go to a homeschool gym class every week. I used to love it so much, just waiting waiting for it to finally be Monday. Now, I find myself dreading it. Dreading the fake smiles and the “I’m fine”s. I have to act like I’m not anxious. I have to act like I don’t die a little on the inside when someone so much as touches me. I have to act like I’m not in pain, mental and physical.

But that’s ok. I’m ok. That’s how it works, right? You complain a bit and then it gets better? It just goes away? Apparently that’s what my family and friend think. The only people I feel like I can count on keep letting me down. I keep letting me down. 

Sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make this about me again. I promise this isn’t for attention. Trust me, I don’t want the attention. I just need to get it out. I need to stop freaking crying. I hate crying.

I’m sorry.

Again.  

Oh my gosh, the energy thing happens to me all the time. I'll just be sitting in class and all of a sudden feel really irritated and twitchy and like I need to run and scream and go HHHHUUuhuUUUHHH. I feel that way now just writing about it.

Omk guys I'm so so sorry you all have to go through this. Anxiety is difficult, but it can be overcome. Not completely, no, but it can be controlled. 

I typed a really long heart-felt paragraph and it all deleted cause my computer and wifi both hate me. Okay. Im going to do my best in recreating it.

All the words have left me.

Sigh.

Alright I got this.

No now I have to read through everything again. WIFI Y HAVE YOU HURT ME SO

Welp, I'm really tired and my brain isn't functioning at the moment, it might be in hawaii somewhere... *dreams about warmth* so I'll get back to you on details but here's a few little things. (um a lot of little things. I think my brain came back from Hawaii. WELCOME HOME WE'VE MISSED YOU)

1. I have scoliosis too, and I do a lot of sports. I know you might not have done sports before, and that's alright, but they aren't lying its reeeally good for your anxiety. Since you have these physical boundaries tho, what I suggest is going to the pool. It doesn't have to be often, maybe once a week, but you can start going more often once you feel more comfortable. You can swim laps or play games at the rec, but what I do to help my joints is 'cross fit' by doing stretches and exercises in the water. This way, you're still getting the benefits but it puts less strain on your back and other parts that might not be functioning right. If you start going often too, you can build up your back muscles enough that you might be able to do a sport. You could even try competitive swimming/dive or water polo cause its still in the water (mostly). Or if you don't feel like going to the rec, you could try yoga. No, not anything like cardio or hot yoga, maybe even just meditative yoga. It'll clear your mind and drain your whats-it-called acids that *gasp* relives pain in your back (and other injured parts)! You could even just do yoga stretches, with a friend or in a class, (I suggest the class part just cause they'll know what to do to help your back and stuff). But because you have anxiety, I suggest going to a nice old-lady class cause they're really friendly and *really* wise about this sorta stuff (especially if they're ex-sports players). It's not so bad if the situation is calm and the room isn't crowded. (do you get anxiety over crowded spaces? I get anxiety over big spaces just in general. Like, my new room gives me anxiety and that's why I throw my stuff all over it, to make it seem smaller)

2. Another helpful thing to get involved in is team activities. Maybe you're not ready for a sport, and that's totally fine, but I still recommend having a few people that are always around that you do stuff with. You could join a club, or even start one if you like. I suggest starting out with smaller numbered ones, and then slowly adding more people. It lessens the 'shock' and your more likely to feel comfortable. I know when I joined the Pom team, there were 10 of them, and I couldn't get myself to interact with any of them cause it was just so much all at once. 6 months later I couldn't be closer with them! 

3. Have you tried coming off meds in general? Or if that's too much of a risk, why don't you switch to anti-depressants? You seem sorta depressed. (its not a bad thing, I was depressed *still am but don't tell no one*) Or at least talk to your doctor about it. Untreated depression can get really bad really fast, so just keep an eye on it?

4. Okay, so you mentioned issues with going to sleep. What I find helpful, is that instead of worrying about what went wrong during the day, I think about what went right (you know, the little thing). Maybe it was a laugh from someone I like, or a funny face, or a smile from someone who held the door for me. Or maybe it was a nice smell, a pretty leaf, or a cold chill in the air. I guarantee if you try and change your mindset before bed, it'll make things a lot easier. This all works when you're having an anxiety attack too. I mean, we all have our different ways of coping, I cross my little finger and ring finger, the feeling of the two against each other gives me comfort. I also tend to hold soft things, like my sleeves or a blanket, up to my lips because it was a sense of security when I was younger. 

5. You are isolating yourself? It seems like you might. Isolation is about the worse thing you can do to yourself when things go bad (haha guilty). Reaching out to us is a start, but you need physical support to. Words don't mean anything to a hug, or someone leaning on you, or just being in their presence. Its very important to have a support system in real life, because we don't know you, we can't do anything if something goes really bad. The most important thing is that people care. I can't stress this enough. You might feel alone, but maybe one of your friends is going through a similar thing and feels like you don't like them cause of it. I know its really hard to be assertive sometimes, but if you dont have a support system nothings going to get better. Trust me. You might feel unloved at the moment, but somewhere, to someone, you mean something. Without you, someone's life wouldn't be the same. You might be the reason someone smiles at night, or why they have a passion for what they do. You matter. Please never tell yourself you don't.

We love you. You aren't going through this alone. Ranting is a good start, it helps me sort out my thoughts and emotions sometimes too, but remember that you also need physical support in your life. 

(one last thing, have you always had your anxiety or is it post-trama caused? If its post-traumatic anxiety I have a few extra suggestions on coping with that in particular)  

Heres some fun songs I listen too when I'm having a 'bad day'.

Brave covered by Savanah whats-her-face (no dont actually type that in if u just look up the bold part iitll probably come up) 

Fight Song by Rachal? (its the small boat sending big waves song. Very inspirational/ relatable.) 

Fall in Line featuring Demi (its sorta a #metoo movement thing dunno if it applies to u r not. I guess its still inspirational tho. ;p)

hmmm, Zero and Natural by Imagine dragons. And Demons.

Any more? Ah yes, Lovely by Billie Ellish (SHES MY AGE GUYS ITS CRAZY) its not really a 'you-go-kick some butt' type of song but its relatable. 

While we're on the topic of motivational songs, I like "Brighter" by Ozomatli.