Hey, Leeli,

I'm sorry you have to go through all this. I'm going to try to respond to as much as I can, in no particular order.

Firstly, it is okay to have problems. Everybody has problems. Everybody has feelings. Sometimes these feelings get the best of them, and that is totally okay. It's a part of what makes us human. It can be difficult to acknowledge that your problems deserve just as much attention as someone else's, but they do. Problems should not be a competition. We should be helping each other get over every problem, no matter how small, and if your problems aren't as "important" as someone else's - they are! They're important to you, and therefore they're important to us. We don't run out of advice, you know? Someone could post here about how angry they are that they can't make their makeup look right and that deserves just as much priority as someone who feels insecure all the time because everyone's problems are valid, and I think we often forget that as soon as we have our own problem.

When it comes to dance. I know exactly how you feel. I don't dance, but I do baseball and soccer, and I often feel like I'm one of the worst on the team - certainly not the best. But that's a product of how biased we are when it comes to ourselves! I think humans have this natural instinct to view ourselves through a lens of how badly we're doing instead of how well we're doing, and this can really hurt our self-confidence and blow little things out of proportion. I highly doubt you're as bad as you think you are, and I'm sure there are some things you can do better than the other two girls in your class. It's just difficult for you to notice them because you're judging yourself.
Also, I know the pain of not being very flexible - I can't touch my toes! But please don't hurt yourself trying to become more flexible - that'll hurt you more than it helps. Practice every day; if you find yourself getting frustrated, stop, take some deep breaths, get a drink of water, then keep going.

I understand the body issues thing, too, and I wish I could take my own advice. But here's a little exercise you can do to keep yourself from thinking bad thoughts about your appearance. When you look in the mirror, don't linger on the things you dislike. Actively search for things you like. Wow, my hair looks really nice today! Hey, I really love the color of my eyes! I have a bad habit that involves pulling out my eyelashes, so I always commend myself when I have a full set of lashes with no gaps or bald spots.
Also, wear things that make you feel like you look nice. I have a fabulous pair of green pants I wear every chance I get (I'm wearing them right now, actually!) because they do make me feel fabulous! So do skirts, dresses, and dangly earrings, when I wear them. Find out what those things are for you, and wear them as often as you can! It really makes you feel so much better about yourself!

I can't speak much to the bit about Christianity; I'm agnostic. But I think the fact that you want to be able to do these things speaks to your faith. Sometimes it's hard! And you can't force yourself to feel things that you don't feel! But you're not giving up on God or on your faith, and that speaks to your character.

It's okay to pretend sometimes. It's okay to not want to talk about your problems to everyone you meet; that's totally valid. Just find yourself an outlet; you said you had people to talk to, and that's great. I hope you're not afraid to rant like this, here, again in the future. As I said before, there's nothing wrong with having problems, and we'll always be here for you. <3 

First of all. *hugs* 

Okay, so Leeli. I had seen you say a little while ago that your CBversary was coming up, and I was planning to, on your CBversary, explain to you how much you mean to me and say some other things. But I've changed my mind and I think now would be the best time to say those things. After that, I'll address some of what you've written.

(I'm basically just going to say what I was vaguely thinking of saying when your CBversary came up.)

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So...Leeli. This might be a little long. I have a lot of backstory, because my brain seems to think it's necessary to what I'm saying and I'm bad at editing. Anyway. A while ago, when I was newish to the CB, I had a lot of idols. That was when I was newer and younger and happier, and before everybody started leaving. I mostly idolized the "popular" people--the ones that everybody knew and noticed and complimented. I won't name names but you know. I was sort of stuck in this place where I wanted to be just like the ones I idolized, I wanted to be as cool, popular, and well-known as them. At the time, there was at least one thread where everybody was listing their CB friends. I didn't really get the idea of online friends; I 1) did not think I'd ever be good enough or popular enough to have people want to call me friend, 2) thought that having online friends was kind of a weird idea, and 3) just, I guess, felt like online friends were unnecessary and not very important or something like that.

But then things changed. A lot of my idols left. I went through some painful CB times. I started being a little less/a little more active. I started having more real-life problems. I sort of stopped idolizing CBers, faded away from that, and pretty much blended into that generation of CBers that had contained my idols.

In 2018, at least, I even started to understand the term "online friend" a little bit better. It really just means a friend. 

Last year, I made many threads asking for emotional help, advice, and sympathy. I really needed it. And Leeli, you were there. You've helped me a lot. Now, you are the one person on the CB that I would actually venture to call a friend--after so long a time of thinking I didn't need actual friends online. I feel like we kind of go through a lot of the same things and issues, and we're a little bit the same. We've worked together and share some of the same views. And you have always helped me out and made me feel better. All this has made me realize that I kind of--no, really--think of you as a friend, and I have for a while now, I've just never said it. I'm so grateful to you for all your helpfulness, and I hope that I can return the favor if you ever need it.

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I don't know if I was intending to post all that but anyway I would be honored to call myself your friend, in essence, and it turns out that the time for help came before I even got to promise it.

So with that long weighty thing out of the way, here's another.

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No! Leeli, you are good at things. I'm heartbroken for you that you think your work isn't good, but I LOVE your poetry. You can put down feelings and emotions into words in a way that I wish I could. Some of your poems are so beautiful and relatable they make me want to cry. And your art? It's gorgeous. I love your inking, and the way you draw people's eyes, and your proportions. I haven't seen much of your writing but I've read a little bit of your stuff. It's really good. And hey, I'm bad at math, school, and interacting with people too. You should be prouder of your work. It's admirable. And I've seen you get even so much better too.

Dance--I can't relate to this as much, but my best friend in real life does ballet. (All the time oh boy) I think there are always people who are better than you, and always more who are worse. How about you do this: Go into class knowing that these girls are maybe going to do it better than you, but tell yourself you're going to do the best you can do, and that's going to be pretty darn good, and try to take inspiration from what these girls do instead of turning it into regret in your own current abilities. And, if you're so bad at this, how come your teacher invited you into the class?

Also for self-image-self-love, there are going to be people who look better than you and people who look worse. I'm not the happiest with how I look either, (but I also get good days, bad days. Sometimes I think I look really awful on one day, and then I love how I look sometimes. This is a physical thing. I have bad hair sometimes, and my complexion seems to like to alternate between pale and spotty, and perfectly smooth and colored nicely. And my face is sort of asymetrical...blah blah blah) but, well. I think this is probably kind of the wrong attitude, but usually I'm grateful that I look better than some other people. And if you think you look good sometimes, that's a step in the right direction. Also, from what I've seen of your hair it's pretty epic. 

Maybe you think you're all these things, but also list the good things about you. You do help people. You've helped me. You are really good at politely stating how you disagree with people. Your writing, your art--they're good. You're really kind. And about being a Christian? Like St. said, you're still a Christian and at least you know you're not very good at it, but that's okay because you're trying, at least, and I think that's all God wants. 

I'm sorry about the comparing. You just should know that you have so much good, and yes you can get better, or you can be miserable because there are better people out there, but also it's good to be happy with what you have; it's hard though. 

If you know that you're valuable, that's good, but I think telling people "you're valuable, you're loved" over and over again doesn't help because most people have already heard that and it's like "Okay, yeah, I'm valuable and people love me, but what do I do now?" Think of individual people who love you, pretty things in nature, and all the things you can do, even if you think you're not that good at them.

(If you have a problem, no matter what it's still a problem and needs to be fixed, right?)

I understand pretending. I actually do that. Usually it's in front of my friends, because I have something about my life to explain to my friends, especially my best friend because I tell her almost everything, but none of my friends know about it. It's partly about how I'm scared of the future and my future. But every time I see my friend, I just think about how much work and time it would take, and I'm bad at explaining things, so I always push it away and talk about something else. 

You can always come and rant to the CB if you really need to. Even just to get it out. But I will always try to read it. Because we love you here on the CB, and isn't that what friends do?

<333 

This is almost my own mini-rant on the benefit of someone else. 

I know people say this so much and it never really helps, but I'm gonna have to say it too. No one's perfect, and it doesn't seem fair to yourself, even with your brother, to expect yourself to be any better. You don't have to be perfect. You don't even have to be especially good. I personally think your brother would be proud of you just for living.

P.S. Unsolveablez says "bfgo" The BFG?

Hey. I don’t know if you’ll see this, but I have a dead brother, too. 

He was my older brother’s twin. I don’t think about him much, and I’ve never heard from him, but I wonder what he would’ve been like if he had lived. What I would’ve been like. I wonder how my life would’ve been different. I asked my brother, and he feels the same way. I know it’s different. I’ve known about him basically forever, although I only recently found out that his ashes are in a box in the living room. 

I know you feel responsible for your brother’s death, but you aren’t. If you ever were, he’s already absolved you of that. And it doesn’t sound like you’ve moved on. You’re still worrying. But you have more to worry about. He doesn’t. He’s dead. He gets to chill in the afterlife forever, his biggest concern being you. He has nothing but time on his hands, nothing better to do than work it out with himself and forgive you. But you, you’re alive. You get all the glory and all the stress of living. You need to eat and sleep and do homework. And you can make him proud by doing exactly that. Taking care of your needs and desires. Living life to its fullest and being happy. Doing whatever it takes to achieve that, even if it means asking for help. You always can, you know. You don’t have to pursue this alone if you don’t want to. 

It’s okay to accept help. You don’t have to do everything yourself, even if you can. Accepting help doesn’t mean you need it, and not needing it doesn’t mean you should never accept it. And if you do need it, then you need it, and you should get what you need. There is no shame, no weakness in doing so. You can’t do everything yourself and you shouldn’t be expected to. I daresay you aren’t even expected to. Can’t play tennis against yourself, now can you? 

If you absolutely cannot stand receiving altruistic help, if you absolutely must prove your strength, turn around and help anyone who helps you back at the very next opportunity. Help them right in their face! Help other people, too. You can. 

It’s okay to be in pain. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be mad at me for talking to you about all of this. It’s okay to be upset. It doesn’t have to last. 

Go hike up a mountain and talk to your brother. Go have a picnic and think of him. Go graduate from high school and be that one kid who gets to make a speech and dedicate your speech to him if it makes you happy. Do what makes you happy, even if it includes not being happy. 

Ah, shoot. I have one more thing to say but I have to go. I’ll be back. 

Thank you, Soren. I appreciate all of your advice. And it does help. But by the way, I don’t think your art sucks! I loved your drawing of Reuben from awhile ago.

*hugs* I’m so sorry you have to go through this, St. But man—I can relate. I completely get the feeling of being lonely. I’m lonely a lot too.

A few years ago, we moved from St. Louis to Kentucky, where we live now. And I love it here so much—I wouldn’t leave Kentucky for the world. But all but one of my closest friends were in St. Louis. The nearest friend I had after we moved here lived in Tennessee—a few hours away from us. I’m just as close, or closer, to all of them, and I know we’ll always be friends, but we don’t get to see each other often. And I still don’t have any friends here, besides my pets and animals (and I don’t know what I’d do without them). So it gets pretty lonely.

I’m homeschooled, so I can’t relate much to the school things. But it also means that I have less opportunities to meet people and make friends. My church is tiny, there are only six kids total when we all show up, and I’m the oldest by a few years. So the people I could potentially be friends with and interact with regularly are mostly limited to other girls at dance and a few people I've met through my art teacher. 

And I so feel you about the shyness and everything. I don’t know how to make friends either. I clam up in public situations too. And conversations freak me out also! And texting is hard, and you’re right, it’s so complicated it’s ridiculous.

I’m sorry, because I’ve kinda turned this into my own rant now, and I don’t have much advice for you, because I have the same problems. But I guess—and I know this sounds cheesy—just try to be yourself. This is something I sometimes struggle with, especially when texting or communicating online. I’ll find myself thinking things like, does she use emojis this much? Should I word it the way she would? Things like that, and then I think, it doesn’t matter what the other person/people would do. Say it how you would say it, use the emoji that you would use. Like I said, this is something that’s hard for me too sometimes. Even when I’m texting my best friend or posting here on the CB! But I think it’s important to be yourself and not pretend to be someone else.

Oh, and this might be obvious, but also, smile. My mom tells me this a lot, but a smile goes a long way. Just smiling and saying hi to someone is a great start.

Other than that...I don’t really know. I’m sorry, I’m afraid I haven’t been much help. But like I said, I have the same problems, so I don’t have much advice. I’m sorry you have to go through all this, and I hope it gets better for you. I think it will get better. Another thing my mom has told me is that this age, the teen years, is the hardest age to make friends, and that everyone has trouble. So even if it seems like you’re the only one struggling with this, you aren’t. It’s tough for everyone, and we’re all just figuring it out. Just know that we’re here for you, whenever you need to talk or rant or get things off your chest. And though it might not be the same as a real, solid hug, we’ll do our best to send virtual ones. <3