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Harry Potter and Somebody's Stone: An Annoying Parody by ZNZ
As everyone knows,...
As everyone knows, the only thing more fun than mocking things you don't like is mocking things you do. With that in mind, I present Harry Potter and Somebody's Stone: An Annoying Parody. It's a parody (of course) I'm writing of the first HP book AND the first HP movie. It is written in the form of a script, with character names in bold and aterisks indicating action. I apologize for spacing problems: copy pasting from Word seems to do that, for some reason. This is just the first chapter; if people like it I'll put up more. This is not an RP or an RRR, so please do not add to it, though I would be more than happy to accept ideas and suggestions, as well as criticism. WARNING: THIS WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR ALL SEVEN BOOKS. If you have not read all seven Harry Potter books, this may be hazardous to your health.
***
Chapter One
Dumbledore: *appears out of nowhere* *clicks Deluminator*Because it’s so much easier to do things when you can’t see anything! And of course no Muggle would ever think to wonder why all the street lamps have suddenly gone off for no apparent reason. Hey, I thought I was supposed to believe that Muggles were just as smart as us. This is really out of character for me.
Vernon: Hey, in canon wasn’t the beginning supposed to be told from my point of view?
ZNZ: Not in the movie. I think they wanted to start with something exciting and magical, or everybody would get bored.
Vernon: Oh, fine.
Kitty Cat: *is there*
Dumbledore: Ooh, look, a kitty! *pets kitty*
Kitty Cat: *turns into Professor McGonagall*
Professor McGonagall: *gives Dumbledore a stern look*
Dumbledore: I mean... hello, Minerva!
McGonagall: Hello, Albus.
Dumbledore: Two of your former students and good friends have just died at the hands of one of my former students, who is a very evil man.Would you like some candy?
McGonagall: ...
Dumbledore: Minerva?
McGonagall: ... No.
Dumbledore: Are you sure?
McGonagall: ... Yes.
Dumbledore: Oh, well, more for me. *eats candy* Mmm, this is good!
McGonagall: Are you sure it’s wise to trust Hagrid with something like this? Especially as you’ve proven you aren’t a very sensible person at all?
Dumbledore: I would trust Hagrid with my life.
McGonagall: You’ll be dead within two books, then.
Dumbledore: Five, actually, though that has nothing whatever to do with Hagrid. But don’t tell anyone, because it’s top secret. It’s all par tof my master plan for world domination... um, I mean, defeating Voldemort.
Hagrid: *drives in on random flying motorbike*
Dumbledore: See, I told you this would work fine!
McGonagall: Don’t count your chickens. We still need to make sure Harry’s alive.
Hagrid: *blubbers* He’s fine. He’s asleep.
Dumbledore: (to McGonagall) I told you so.
McGonagall: *snorts*
Dumbledore: So now let’s leave him on the doorstep of some Muggles who will almost certainly mistreat him. Hagrid, why does it make you cry that you’re leaving the son of two of your close friends on the doorstep o fsome Muggles that’ll almost certainly mistreat him and you won’t see him for at least ten years? There’s nothing sad about that!
Hagrid: You’re right, Dumbledore. You’re always right.*sniffs* It’s just so sad!
McGonagall: But why are we leaving him here?
Dumbledore: They’re his only relatives. Plus, of course, this way he’ll be escaping from a horrible life when he goes to the Wizarding World.
McGonagall: Oh, I see. You know, I’m pretty sure “wizarding world” doesn’t need to be capitalized.
Dumbledore: Every other noun in this darn septet is.
McGonagall: Good point! But don’t you think it’s kind of a risk to leave him out here on the doorstep with just a little blanket in November? He could freeze to death! He could get out of his basket and run away. Most one-year-olds can walk, you know. Also, can we get rid of his scar?
Dumbledore: Of course not. That would be bad! I can tell where I am in the London Underground based on the scar right above my left knee!
McGonagall: ...Surely it’s a bit inconvenient to have to look at your knee every time?
Dumbledore: *shrugs* Better than having to carry a map around. Anyway, I don’t think I could get rid of Harry’s scar if I wanted to, even though I could get rid of mine. See, my scar doesn’t have Lord Voldemort’s soul in it.
McGonagall: *gasp* Does Harry’s?
Dumbledore: Of course not! Whatever gave you that idea?
McGonagall: Okay... then...
Title: *appears in clouds*
Hedwig’s Theme: *plays*
***
So, what'd ya think?
submitted by ZNZ, age Lucky 13, Death's Domain
(December 4, 2010 - 9:09 pm)
(December 4, 2010 - 9:09 pm)
that is so neat !!!! I have read all the harry potter books a million times , you should write the 5th one your way !!!! [ I love the fifth one !!! ]
(February 14, 2011 - 4:55 pm)
Because I take a perverse pleasure in proving people wrong, I am proud to prevent (That was an intentional malapropism, because that’s howI roll.): Harry Potter and Somebody's Stone, an Annoying Parody: Chapter Four! Usual disclaimers apply: Don't own the series, sorry the spacing is weird, spoilers for everything, apologise for nothing except for the fact that it's probably not very funny. Let's get started!
Vernon: I haz gun!FEAH MEH!
Hagrid: *isdescribed as “a giant of a man” and “the giant”*
JKR: In no way, shape, or form, is that foreshadowing... no...
Hagrid: *bends gunup* *begins cooking* Hello, Harry – Wow, yer fat.
Dudley: Pot meet kettle. Anyway, I’m not Harry! You’d think you’d be able to tell because I don’t have a scar shaped like a lightning bolt!
Hagrid: Oh, yeah.Somehow I forgot Harry’s main defining physical characteristic! Silly me. But, then, ten years is a long time.
Harry: I’m Harry. And you know, I was supposed to have two main defining physical characteristics, but for some reason it was found neccessary to get an actor with blue eyes. I mean, come on, really? And people tell me that I have my mother’s “almond-shaped green eyes” so often, it really does get annoying, but that’s beside the point, the point is that if they can afford to have bridges exploding, all manner of mythical creatures running about, people flying, and any number of other special effects, why the heck couldn’t they get Dan Radcliffe some coloured contacts?
Voldemort: You thinkyou have it rough? You try being played by a bald midget with disgustingly long fingernails and a nose like the Sphinx’s, and then say your actor is bad.
Harry: Point taken.
Ralph Fiennes: HEY!
Daniel Radcliffe: *smirks*
Hagrid: Anyhoozle! Happy Birthday! Have a strange-looking cake that I apparently sat on at some point!
Cake: HAPPEE BIRTHDAE HARRY
Harry: Thanks. But you really can’t spell, can you?
Hagrid: Harry, I was kicked outa school in me third year!
Harry: ...You were thirteen. You should have been able to spell by then.
ZNZ: Although Hogwarts doesn’t really offer any spelling classes, or any kind of grammar o rwriting or punctuation or anything. Heck, even their version of mathematics –which only teaches math as it pertains to magic – is an elective. Their history classes are focused on wizards and witches and them only. Forget about science. They don’t offer any foreign languages. No art or music. Am I the only one who thinks that the Hogwarts curriculum is less than well-rounded? It’s certainly not very rigorous.
Hagrid: ...Yeah, that aside, I just want to make the point that in canon I could spell. Also I used semicolons, although not on the birthday cake!
Harry: Good for you. So, yeah, who the heck are you?
Hagrid: Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts. Isn’t it weird how I expect the kid raised by magic-hating Muggles to know what Hogwarts is?
Harry: ...What is it?
Hagrid: *in shock*
Harry: Sorry, sorry! Honestly...
Hagrid: It’s them as should be sorry! I never thought you wouldn’t know about Hogwarts! In retrospect that was kind of stupid of me! Did you never wonder where your parents learned it all?
Harry: All what?
Hagrid: ALL WHAT?
Harry: Are you repeating everything I say? ‘Cuz I really hate it when people do that to me.
Hagrid: Are you repeating everything... Oh, sorry. Anyway! Don’t you know anything about anything?
ZNZ: No, Hagrid, he doesn’t. He will remain in that state for the rest of the septet.
Hagrid: I mean about our world!
ZNZ: So did I.
Harry: *exasperated* Look, if I don’t know about Hogwarts and what my parents learned there, I think you can safely assume I don’t know what world you’re talking about, mkay?
Hagrid: Yeh must know about yer mum ‘n’ dad? You guys are famous!
Harry: NO, okay? I don’t!
Hagrid & Vernon: *shouting match*
Vernon: No! You mustn’t!
Hagrid: I am bigger and stronger than you, and also you are Muggles, so shut up. Harry – yer a wizard.
Harry: I’m a which?
Hagrid: No – a wizard.
Harry: Despite thef act that unexplained magical events have been taking place around me almost since my birth, I am going to find this impossible to believe! This is especially weird when you consider what an arrogant, conceited, and self-important prat I’m going to become in just a few short books!
James: *fondly* He’s going to be just like me.
Snape: Not that that’s anything to be proud of, strutter.
Remus & Lily: Seriously, guys, calm down. This is stupid.
James: Of course, Lily dearest!
Lily: *giggling* Oh, James!
Snape: Bring me a basin! I’m going to be sick!
Fandom: HE’S SO EVIL!
Hagrid: YES you’re a wizard, okay? And a thumpin’ good’un, I’d say, once yeh’ve been trained up a bit. With a mum ’n’ dad like yours, what else would yeh be?
Snape: Believe me, I can list many, many other things he would be.
Hagrid: You shut up too, Snivellus. Harry! Letter!
The Letter: We’ve accepted you to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, like there’s anyone we don’t accept. There’s your school supply list, and term begins on September 1, and isn’t it just delightful the way we automatically assume you’ll want to come? Anyhoozle, owl us by your birthday. Yours, Minerva.
Harry: What does that mean, owl?
ZNZ: Honestly, of all the questions you could ask...
Hagrid: *pulls owl from coat*
ZNZ: Cruelty to animals! Cruelty to animals!
Hagrid: *writes and sends letter*
Dudley: *ignores everything and eats cake*
Vernon: He’s not going!
Hagrid: Oh, yeah, Muggle?
Harry: Whassat?
Hagrid: Non-magicfolk, against whom we are horribly, horribly prejudiced, as evidenced by the way I say that it was your bad luck to grow up with them.
Petunia: Lily was a freak! No of course I wasn’t jealous of her! Came home every vacation turning teacups into rats!
ZNZ: Lily broke the law!
Petunia: Yes and then she blew up!
Harry: YOU TOLD ME THEY DIED IN A CAR CRASH!
Petunia: If we weren’t telling you about magic then it wouldn’t make sense for us to tell you how they really died, now would it?
Harry: ...No, guess not.
Hagrid: LILY AND JAMES POTTER DIE IN A CAR CRASH?
Harry: So, “blew up”? How’d that happen?
Hagrid: Actually, in canon I explained it now...
ZNZ: Yeah, he did, actually, I’d forgotten that was in there.
Hagrid: ...but I think Issa gonna wait.
Vernon: I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!
JKR: *always was exceedingly caps-lock happy*
Hagrid: NEVER INSULT ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IN FRONT OF ME! BECAUSE YOU MADE ME ANGRY, ISSA GONNA BREAK THE LAW NOW! *gives Dudley pig’s tail*
Dudley: *squeals*
ZNZ: Yeah, that squeal is canon. I was childishly amused by it myself.
Hagrid: Hey, Harry? Could ya not tell anyone I broke the law?
Harry: Wouldn’t dream of it. Hey, why aren’t you allowed to...?
Hagrid: Expelled. In me third year. NO I’m not telling you why.
JKR: *will not let us know until next book*
(February 14, 2011 - 8:19 pm)
I absolutely love it!!! It's so hilarious!! I love the part about the bald midget! Please post more!!
(February 15, 2011 - 7:16 am)
Pfahhhh hahahahahahahahhahahaha bald midget I hate Ralph Fiennes so much.
Also, YAY! CAPSLOCK RAGE!!!
Also also, YAY! LAMPSHADING DREADFUL NATURE OF HOGWARTS CURRICULUM! (which is part of the reason MoR is so wonderful, I think)
(February 15, 2011 - 6:21 pm)
That was great! I loved it! Also, am I the only one who thinks that if Hagrid (twice as tall as a normal man and either 3 or 5 times as wide--JKR can't seem to make up her mind; did he lose weight or something without anyone noticing?) sat on a cake, it wouldn't be slightly squashed, it would probably be completely flat and scarcely edible? That might be wrong, as I've never actually seen anyone sit on a cake, but I can't believe there wouldn't be a marked difference...
(February 15, 2011 - 10:56 pm)
Love it! This is hilarious! Post more! Good point, Ima. I think the cake was in a box, so maybe that's why it was okay.
(February 18, 2011 - 3:37 pm)
Hey, if ZNZ doesn't write anything on here in the next few weeks, does anyone mind if I add some parts? My cousins videoed something like this using the action figures, so I have a lot of ideas for this. I will now add lots of comments so that this thing will move up to the top.
PS: Spammy says cohn, which is funny, because I knew someone with that last name once. Spammy, *gasps out of horror* you hunt COONS!! Sadness
(June 24, 2011 - 9:40 pm)
Issa gonna resurrect this with the desperate but probably vain hope that there will be more, because honestly I could read this all day and not get tired of it.
(July 17, 2012 - 1:22 pm)