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Harry Potter and Somebody's Stone: An Annoying Parody by ZNZ
As everyone knows,...
As everyone knows, the only thing more fun than mocking things you don't like is mocking things you do. With that in mind, I present Harry Potter and Somebody's Stone: An Annoying Parody. It's a parody (of course) I'm writing of the first HP book AND the first HP movie. It is written in the form of a script, with character names in bold and aterisks indicating action. I apologize for spacing problems: copy pasting from Word seems to do that, for some reason. This is just the first chapter; if people like it I'll put up more. This is not an RP or an RRR, so please do not add to it, though I would be more than happy to accept ideas and suggestions, as well as criticism. WARNING: THIS WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR ALL SEVEN BOOKS. If you have not read all seven Harry Potter books, this may be hazardous to your health.
***
Chapter One
Dumbledore: *appears out of nowhere* *clicks Deluminator*Because it’s so much easier to do things when you can’t see anything! And of course no Muggle would ever think to wonder why all the street lamps have suddenly gone off for no apparent reason. Hey, I thought I was supposed to believe that Muggles were just as smart as us. This is really out of character for me.
Vernon: Hey, in canon wasn’t the beginning supposed to be told from my point of view?
ZNZ: Not in the movie. I think they wanted to start with something exciting and magical, or everybody would get bored.
Vernon: Oh, fine.
Kitty Cat: *is there*
Dumbledore: Ooh, look, a kitty! *pets kitty*
Kitty Cat: *turns into Professor McGonagall*
Professor McGonagall: *gives Dumbledore a stern look*
Dumbledore: I mean... hello, Minerva!
McGonagall: Hello, Albus.
Dumbledore: Two of your former students and good friends have just died at the hands of one of my former students, who is a very evil man.Would you like some candy?
McGonagall: ...
Dumbledore: Minerva?
McGonagall: ... No.
Dumbledore: Are you sure?
McGonagall: ... Yes.
Dumbledore: Oh, well, more for me. *eats candy* Mmm, this is good!
McGonagall: Are you sure it’s wise to trust Hagrid with something like this? Especially as you’ve proven you aren’t a very sensible person at all?
Dumbledore: I would trust Hagrid with my life.
McGonagall: You’ll be dead within two books, then.
Dumbledore: Five, actually, though that has nothing whatever to do with Hagrid. But don’t tell anyone, because it’s top secret. It’s all par tof my master plan for world domination... um, I mean, defeating Voldemort.
Hagrid: *drives in on random flying motorbike*
Dumbledore: See, I told you this would work fine!
McGonagall: Don’t count your chickens. We still need to make sure Harry’s alive.
Hagrid: *blubbers* He’s fine. He’s asleep.
Dumbledore: (to McGonagall) I told you so.
McGonagall: *snorts*
Dumbledore: So now let’s leave him on the doorstep of some Muggles who will almost certainly mistreat him. Hagrid, why does it make you cry that you’re leaving the son of two of your close friends on the doorstep o fsome Muggles that’ll almost certainly mistreat him and you won’t see him for at least ten years? There’s nothing sad about that!
Hagrid: You’re right, Dumbledore. You’re always right.*sniffs* It’s just so sad!
McGonagall: But why are we leaving him here?
Dumbledore: They’re his only relatives. Plus, of course, this way he’ll be escaping from a horrible life when he goes to the Wizarding World.
McGonagall: Oh, I see. You know, I’m pretty sure “wizarding world” doesn’t need to be capitalized.
Dumbledore: Every other noun in this darn septet is.
McGonagall: Good point! But don’t you think it’s kind of a risk to leave him out here on the doorstep with just a little blanket in November? He could freeze to death! He could get out of his basket and run away. Most one-year-olds can walk, you know. Also, can we get rid of his scar?
Dumbledore: Of course not. That would be bad! I can tell where I am in the London Underground based on the scar right above my left knee!
McGonagall: ...Surely it’s a bit inconvenient to have to look at your knee every time?
Dumbledore: *shrugs* Better than having to carry a map around. Anyway, I don’t think I could get rid of Harry’s scar if I wanted to, even though I could get rid of mine. See, my scar doesn’t have Lord Voldemort’s soul in it.
McGonagall: *gasp* Does Harry’s?
Dumbledore: Of course not! Whatever gave you that idea?
McGonagall: Okay... then...
Title: *appears in clouds*
Hedwig’s Theme: *plays*
***
So, what'd ya think?
submitted by ZNZ, age Lucky 13, Death's Domain
(December 4, 2010 - 9:09 pm)
(December 4, 2010 - 9:09 pm)
@Brynne: I think she did that to be funny. Right, ZNZ?
Andy P. C. says weru.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(January 10, 2011 - 8:16 pm)
Well I think that it was really funny the way inanimate things kept posting, and especially the "THINGS: *get out of hand*" one. But I think it would be funnier to say once,
TIME: *waves as it passes*
(January 28, 2011 - 11:47 pm)
This is so hilarious! My sister and I both love it! You should definitely post more. I don't know where "brain the size of a planet" is from, but I love the part with the glass.
Some of the funniest parts are where you made a line (or at least an action) for an inanimate object. Please write more! I can't wait!
(January 10, 2011 - 8:42 pm)
Wait, what do you have against Harry Potter? I like the parody, but it feels to me slightly one-sided. So why do you not like Harry Potter?
(January 31, 2011 - 4:37 pm)
I adore Harry Potter. Read the books, saw the movies, look at fansites, read and write fanfiction, listen to MuggleCast... Good grief, I read the Lexicon for fun. Not just the essays, either.
BUT. I also realise that the series has some huge holes in it, and there are some things that just don't make sense. So I'm poking some gentle fun at one of my favourite series.
(February 5, 2011 - 1:10 pm)
In the next chapter, you should say something like:
Hagrid: Hey, Harry! I have this once-delicious chocolate cake that I sat on! Let me make you feel nauseated!
Dudley: *is idiot*
Hagrid: I will now wildly lose my temper and make your least favorite cousin into a pig! What do you say 'bout that, Harry!
Dudley: *is pig*
Harry: The only thing I have to say about this is WHY ARE YOU STALKING ME?!?!?!?!?!
Hagrid: ...
Harry: I thought so! *steals motorcycle* *runs away to live with Cho and/or Ginny*
Ah, no, this is crap. Do not mind me!
(January 31, 2011 - 5:08 pm)
That's very funny, SilverWing, I like it! But I don't think I'm prepared to desert canon so completely...
(February 5, 2011 - 4:20 pm)
Canon???? No comprende.
(February 14, 2011 - 4:15 pm)
Oh my goodness, tht is SO FUNNY! I love Harry Potter books, but Harry is such a WIMP. Honestly, I think that the series would be so much better if Hermione was the main character. She's so much more sensible. ...Or maybe I'm just a biased girl.
(January 31, 2011 - 6:12 pm)
Melenie: Actually, no. ZNZ loves HP. So do most of us here. She just understands it has a few flaws, but she loves the series itself. It's why this thread begins with, "As everyone knows, the only thing more fun than mocking things you don't like is mocking things you do."
Silverwing: Actually, I thought that was really funny! It was sort of different from the rest of the story, though, so she may not want to use it, particularly if she already had other ideas. Anyway, yours was still really good!
Aetc says reec. Reeking, recreational wrreaking!
(January 31, 2011 - 9:25 pm)
Please post more!!
(February 5, 2011 - 12:48 pm)
Ditto!! I'm missing your posts!
(February 7, 2011 - 12:47 pm)
I third that!
Aetc has given up. He doesn't think ZNZ will ever post anything more on this thread, and that it will die, and this last post serve as its only (to quote him) "uegi," or eulogy. I certainly hope not!
(February 7, 2011 - 4:02 pm)
I agree with Aetc.
(February 12, 2011 - 4:16 pm)
Top post! Maybe ZNZ will post!!
(February 14, 2011 - 11:25 am)