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Harry Potter and Somebody's Stone: An Annoying Parody by ZNZ
As everyone knows,...
As everyone knows, the only thing more fun than mocking things you don't like is mocking things you do. With that in mind, I present Harry Potter and Somebody's Stone: An Annoying Parody. It's a parody (of course) I'm writing of the first HP book AND the first HP movie. It is written in the form of a script, with character names in bold and aterisks indicating action. I apologize for spacing problems: copy pasting from Word seems to do that, for some reason. This is just the first chapter; if people like it I'll put up more. This is not an RP or an RRR, so please do not add to it, though I would be more than happy to accept ideas and suggestions, as well as criticism. WARNING: THIS WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR ALL SEVEN BOOKS. If you have not read all seven Harry Potter books, this may be hazardous to your health.
***
Chapter One
Dumbledore: *appears out of nowhere* *clicks Deluminator*Because it’s so much easier to do things when you can’t see anything! And of course no Muggle would ever think to wonder why all the street lamps have suddenly gone off for no apparent reason. Hey, I thought I was supposed to believe that Muggles were just as smart as us. This is really out of character for me.
Vernon: Hey, in canon wasn’t the beginning supposed to be told from my point of view?
ZNZ: Not in the movie. I think they wanted to start with something exciting and magical, or everybody would get bored.
Vernon: Oh, fine.
Kitty Cat: *is there*
Dumbledore: Ooh, look, a kitty! *pets kitty*
Kitty Cat: *turns into Professor McGonagall*
Professor McGonagall: *gives Dumbledore a stern look*
Dumbledore: I mean... hello, Minerva!
McGonagall: Hello, Albus.
Dumbledore: Two of your former students and good friends have just died at the hands of one of my former students, who is a very evil man.Would you like some candy?
McGonagall: ...
Dumbledore: Minerva?
McGonagall: ... No.
Dumbledore: Are you sure?
McGonagall: ... Yes.
Dumbledore: Oh, well, more for me. *eats candy* Mmm, this is good!
McGonagall: Are you sure it’s wise to trust Hagrid with something like this? Especially as you’ve proven you aren’t a very sensible person at all?
Dumbledore: I would trust Hagrid with my life.
McGonagall: You’ll be dead within two books, then.
Dumbledore: Five, actually, though that has nothing whatever to do with Hagrid. But don’t tell anyone, because it’s top secret. It’s all par tof my master plan for world domination... um, I mean, defeating Voldemort.
Hagrid: *drives in on random flying motorbike*
Dumbledore: See, I told you this would work fine!
McGonagall: Don’t count your chickens. We still need to make sure Harry’s alive.
Hagrid: *blubbers* He’s fine. He’s asleep.
Dumbledore: (to McGonagall) I told you so.
McGonagall: *snorts*
Dumbledore: So now let’s leave him on the doorstep of some Muggles who will almost certainly mistreat him. Hagrid, why does it make you cry that you’re leaving the son of two of your close friends on the doorstep o fsome Muggles that’ll almost certainly mistreat him and you won’t see him for at least ten years? There’s nothing sad about that!
Hagrid: You’re right, Dumbledore. You’re always right.*sniffs* It’s just so sad!
McGonagall: But why are we leaving him here?
Dumbledore: They’re his only relatives. Plus, of course, this way he’ll be escaping from a horrible life when he goes to the Wizarding World.
McGonagall: Oh, I see. You know, I’m pretty sure “wizarding world” doesn’t need to be capitalized.
Dumbledore: Every other noun in this darn septet is.
McGonagall: Good point! But don’t you think it’s kind of a risk to leave him out here on the doorstep with just a little blanket in November? He could freeze to death! He could get out of his basket and run away. Most one-year-olds can walk, you know. Also, can we get rid of his scar?
Dumbledore: Of course not. That would be bad! I can tell where I am in the London Underground based on the scar right above my left knee!
McGonagall: ...Surely it’s a bit inconvenient to have to look at your knee every time?
Dumbledore: *shrugs* Better than having to carry a map around. Anyway, I don’t think I could get rid of Harry’s scar if I wanted to, even though I could get rid of mine. See, my scar doesn’t have Lord Voldemort’s soul in it.
McGonagall: *gasp* Does Harry’s?
Dumbledore: Of course not! Whatever gave you that idea?
McGonagall: Okay... then...
Title: *appears in clouds*
Hedwig’s Theme: *plays*
***
So, what'd ya think?
submitted by ZNZ, age Lucky 13, Death's Domain
(December 4, 2010 - 9:09 pm)
(December 4, 2010 - 9:09 pm)
That's funny! I've only watched the movie so... Does Dumbledore actually have a scar above his left knee? *feels like a Potter-moron*
(December 5, 2010 - 10:10 am)
Glad you liked it! Yes, the map!scar is totally canon. It's been a while since I've seen the movie -- I totally forgot they left that out. *mourns*
(December 5, 2010 - 3:59 pm)
BWAHAHAHAH!!! Oooh, I love itt....
Inya say ffex. Fedex.
(December 5, 2010 - 6:08 pm)
I loved it! Please post more!
(December 5, 2010 - 6:12 pm)
Yeah, that's funny!
(December 6, 2010 - 10:09 pm)
Zee positive responses, zey thrill me to death! *dies* *is ressurected* So here's Chapter Two. I will award an unspecified number of bonus points to anyone who can correctly identify the source of the "brain the size of a planet" line in this chapter.
Chapter Two
Petunia & Vernon: We are very normal people.
ZNZ: You must feel very insecure about your normalcy if you feel the need tosay that.
Petunia & Vernon: Shut up. We are very normal people. So we spoil ourson rotten...
Dudley: *stuffs face with candy* Om nom nom.
Petunia & Vernon: ...and we mistreat our nephew and put him in a tinycupboard under the stairs. Because that’s what normal people do!
Harry: *dreams about flying motorbikes*
Petunia: *bangs on the door of Harry’s cupboard*
Dust: *falls on Harry’s face*
Harry: *wakes up* *groans* I wonder if I’ll ever have a dream that’snot hugely significant. These premonitions and postmonitions and mindreading and what have you can get really annoying. *goes and makes breakfast*
Petunia: *trusts a ten-year-old boy who hates her to cook her breakfast – what does this stay about her mental state?*
Dudley: *has an inconceivable number of presents* *is counting presents* Thirty-one, thirty-two... *looses count* What comes after thirty-two again?
Harry: *sighs* Thirty-three.
Dudley: Thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five,thirty-six. Thirty-six? But I had thirty-eight last year!
Vernon: (whispering to Petunia) Oh, no, what are we going to do? He’s going to havea tantrum!
Petunia: (whispering to Vernon) Allow me. (To Dudley) There, there, Diddykums. When we’re at the zootoday, we’ll buy you two new presents, thus teaching you that you can get absolutely anything you want if you fuss enough. Aren’t we good parents?
Dudley: Okay, I guess so. But I wish you’d remembered. I mean, really, it’s not that hard.
Harry: This from someone who doesn’t know what comes after thirty-two.
Petunia: What did you say about my Diddykums?
Harry: Nothing. *serves eggs to Dursleys*
ZNZ: Again, why Harry apparently does all the cooking for the Dursleys I have no idea. They actually trusth im to do that? Not to mention that he won’t cook anything ever again afterthis one scene. And I mean, I guess the point of this scene is to set up his role as the Cinderella, but even so.
Petunia: Oh no! Gasp shock horror! Mrs. Figg broke her leg! Of course I don’t care how she’s feeling – why would I do that? – but now we can’t dump Harry on her for the day!
Dudley: NOOOO!!!
Harry: Oh, well, guess I’ll have to come to the zoo withyou.
Vernon: No funny business! Or I’ll shut you up in a tiny little cupboard like any normal person would do!
Harry: Yes, sir.
Dudley: *harasses snake* *gets bored*
ZNZ: Dudley has a short attention span, doesn’t he?
Harry: *randomly feels the needto talk to a random snake, though he’s never spoken to a snake before* Hi,snake.
Snake: Hi.
Harry: Did you just talk?
Snake: No duh.
Harry: Uh, okay. I will now feel the need to apologise to you for something that is by no stretch of the imagination my fault. Sorry about my cousin.
Snake: That kid was your cousin? Wow, I feel sorry for you.
Harry: *shrugs* It’s okay. Um... how was Brazil?
Snake: *seems to loose ability to speak, choosing insteadto poke heads toward plaque*
Harry: Bred in captivity. Oh, I’m sorry.
Dudley: THE SNAKE’S MOVING! THE SNAKE’S MOVING! *runs overto Harry & Snake*
Glass: *is there* I hate it here.
Glass: Adios, suckers! *is not there*
Dudley: *falls in*
Snake: *slithers out*
Glass: *is there* Darn it!
Dudley: Mummy! *pounds glass*
Glass: See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. *sigh*Here I am, brain the size of a planet...
ZNZ: You have no brain.
Glass: And people like you trying to crush what littleself-esteem I have...
ZNZ: Oh, good grief.
Petunia: *runs over* Diddykins!
Snake: Thanksss.
Harry: No problem. Hey, d’you think you could go back inand bite Dudley for me?
Snake: Sorry, not allowed. I’m highly venomous, y’see.
Harry: ... So?
Snake: It’s a kids’ movie! They won’t let me kill theprotagonist’s cousin in the first ten minutes! I’d get so fired!
Harry: Oh. Darn. Well, it was worth a try. Bye!
Snake: Sssseeee you.
Harry: I wish.
(Later, at Number 4, PrivetDrive)
Vernon: What did you do?!
Harry: I swear I don’t know! One minute the glass was thereand the next it was gone, it was like magic!
Vernon’s Face: *turns red*
Harry: ... Oh drat.
Vernon: There is no! Such!Thing! As! Magic! *throws Harry in cupboard*
Harry: Doesn’t Uncle Vernon understand simile? I didn’t sayit was magic, I said it was like magic.
Vernon: Don’t you be smart with me, boy!
Harry: Sorry, am I making you feel inferior? Didn’t mean to– it just comes naturally.
ZNZ: Obnoxious, aren’t we?
Harry: He deserved it.
ZNZ: Oh, whatever. On to Chapter Three!
(December 6, 2010 - 11:04 pm)
I'm sorry, I can't identify the "brain the size of a planet" quote. It's not from HP though, right? (Or am I totally missing something?)
However, I am enjoying this immensely. I especially liked your point about most 1-year-olds being able to walk. Something I guess no one thought of seriously!
Please post more!
(December 7, 2010 - 10:37 pm)
yes, definetly post more!
Spam guy says "yrwp". Why are we people? Heck, I don't know.
(December 8, 2010 - 9:08 am)
Heck, i looove this. Made my day...
Inya says hhwv. Haha, why Voldemort. See, she loves it too.
(December 8, 2010 - 12:39 pm)
I thought you hated Harry Potter? Or is it because you hate it that you like to see it poked fun at? But it says a lot that I'm pleasing both someone like you *and* someone like Ima. :D
(December 8, 2010 - 6:41 pm)
Not HP, no. :D
There will be more just as soon as I finish chapter three!
(December 8, 2010 - 11:39 am)
This was really funny, ZNZ! I'm gonna tell my sister she has to read it. She'll love it as much as I did, I'm sure!
Peacing out for now,
-hannaH ☺☻ (I spelled my name backward that time! [Sometimes it's a bit boring to have a palindrome name])
mapS yoB says zkom. Like if Fleur Delacour was to say, "Zee comb is missing!" Hey, Spam Boy wants to play Harry Potter quote game, too. Sorry, Spammy. I don't think that's really a quote.
(December 8, 2010 - 7:36 pm)
Come to think of it, I'm almost certain Harry could walk at one, because he rode a toy broomstick when his parents were alive, right? I don't know much about flying, really, but I imagine it would be rather difficult if you don't even know how to walk. He did destroy a vase and nearly a cat, but that's not bad for a one-year-old (at most) who had never flown before...
(December 8, 2010 - 5:27 pm)
Brain the size of a planet? Easy.
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy (five books long). Marvin, when he's depressed and talking to a sentient matress.
(January 12, 2011 - 7:35 pm)
Oh, and I'm almost positive that the "brain the size of a planet" quote can't possibly be from HP. I've read the series too many times for a quote from it not to sound even remotely familiar.
(December 8, 2010 - 5:38 pm)