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Harry Potter and Somebody's Stone: An Annoying Parody by ZNZ
As everyone knows,...
As everyone knows, the only thing more fun than mocking things you don't like is mocking things you do. With that in mind, I present Harry Potter and Somebody's Stone: An Annoying Parody. It's a parody (of course) I'm writing of the first HP book AND the first HP movie. It is written in the form of a script, with character names in bold and aterisks indicating action. I apologize for spacing problems: copy pasting from Word seems to do that, for some reason. This is just the first chapter; if people like it I'll put up more. This is not an RP or an RRR, so please do not add to it, though I would be more than happy to accept ideas and suggestions, as well as criticism. WARNING: THIS WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR ALL SEVEN BOOKS. If you have not read all seven Harry Potter books, this may be hazardous to your health.
***
Chapter One
Dumbledore: *appears out of nowhere* *clicks Deluminator*Because it’s so much easier to do things when you can’t see anything! And of course no Muggle would ever think to wonder why all the street lamps have suddenly gone off for no apparent reason. Hey, I thought I was supposed to believe that Muggles were just as smart as us. This is really out of character for me.
Vernon: Hey, in canon wasn’t the beginning supposed to be told from my point of view?
ZNZ: Not in the movie. I think they wanted to start with something exciting and magical, or everybody would get bored.
Vernon: Oh, fine.
Kitty Cat: *is there*
Dumbledore: Ooh, look, a kitty! *pets kitty*
Kitty Cat: *turns into Professor McGonagall*
Professor McGonagall: *gives Dumbledore a stern look*
Dumbledore: I mean... hello, Minerva!
McGonagall: Hello, Albus.
Dumbledore: Two of your former students and good friends have just died at the hands of one of my former students, who is a very evil man.Would you like some candy?
McGonagall: ...
Dumbledore: Minerva?
McGonagall: ... No.
Dumbledore: Are you sure?
McGonagall: ... Yes.
Dumbledore: Oh, well, more for me. *eats candy* Mmm, this is good!
McGonagall: Are you sure it’s wise to trust Hagrid with something like this? Especially as you’ve proven you aren’t a very sensible person at all?
Dumbledore: I would trust Hagrid with my life.
McGonagall: You’ll be dead within two books, then.
Dumbledore: Five, actually, though that has nothing whatever to do with Hagrid. But don’t tell anyone, because it’s top secret. It’s all par tof my master plan for world domination... um, I mean, defeating Voldemort.
Hagrid: *drives in on random flying motorbike*
Dumbledore: See, I told you this would work fine!
McGonagall: Don’t count your chickens. We still need to make sure Harry’s alive.
Hagrid: *blubbers* He’s fine. He’s asleep.
Dumbledore: (to McGonagall) I told you so.
McGonagall: *snorts*
Dumbledore: So now let’s leave him on the doorstep of some Muggles who will almost certainly mistreat him. Hagrid, why does it make you cry that you’re leaving the son of two of your close friends on the doorstep o fsome Muggles that’ll almost certainly mistreat him and you won’t see him for at least ten years? There’s nothing sad about that!
Hagrid: You’re right, Dumbledore. You’re always right.*sniffs* It’s just so sad!
McGonagall: But why are we leaving him here?
Dumbledore: They’re his only relatives. Plus, of course, this way he’ll be escaping from a horrible life when he goes to the Wizarding World.
McGonagall: Oh, I see. You know, I’m pretty sure “wizarding world” doesn’t need to be capitalized.
Dumbledore: Every other noun in this darn septet is.
McGonagall: Good point! But don’t you think it’s kind of a risk to leave him out here on the doorstep with just a little blanket in November? He could freeze to death! He could get out of his basket and run away. Most one-year-olds can walk, you know. Also, can we get rid of his scar?
Dumbledore: Of course not. That would be bad! I can tell where I am in the London Underground based on the scar right above my left knee!
McGonagall: ...Surely it’s a bit inconvenient to have to look at your knee every time?
Dumbledore: *shrugs* Better than having to carry a map around. Anyway, I don’t think I could get rid of Harry’s scar if I wanted to, even though I could get rid of mine. See, my scar doesn’t have Lord Voldemort’s soul in it.
McGonagall: *gasp* Does Harry’s?
Dumbledore: Of course not! Whatever gave you that idea?
McGonagall: Okay... then...
Title: *appears in clouds*
Hedwig’s Theme: *plays*
***
So, what'd ya think?
submitted by ZNZ, age Lucky 13, Death's Domain
(December 4, 2010 - 9:09 pm)
(December 4, 2010 - 9:09 pm)
@Ima- That's what I thought too. I have a bunch of the quotes memorized and that one doesn't really fit with the style of HP at all anyway. Is it from H2G2? I only read the first book and don't totally remember it, but it seems like a reasonable guess...
(December 8, 2010 - 10:39 pm)
@Brynne: Yes! *awards bonus points (42, since you ask)* It was in the first book, spoken by Marvin.
(December 8, 2010 - 11:16 pm)
I'm crying, ZNZ! Hahahahahaha...I can't wait till Voldemort shows up! This should be fun....*evil smile*
"Because it's so much easier to do things in the dark!" *laughs hysterically*
Andy P. C. says zkvb.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(December 9, 2010 - 10:07 pm)
@ZNZ: You're finished school already? Lucky. :-)
(December 9, 2010 - 8:11 pm)
I thought it sounded vaguely familiar, and I did get a picture of a small, pessimistic robot in my head when I first read it. :)
(December 9, 2010 - 10:38 pm)
uh, is the next chapter coming soon?
(December 15, 2010 - 11:30 am)
OMG, that was pretty good. ;) Did you hear how J.K. Rowling announced that Dumbledore was gay? I always kind of imagined him gay, so I was happy. =)
(January 4, 2011 - 12:09 pm)
TOP!
(January 6, 2011 - 9:04 pm)
I give you 10/10. Loved it! Why didn't you post the 3rd chapter?!
(January 8, 2011 - 12:55 pm)
OH FINE. Because everyone is so very insistent, here it is.
A/N: It's been a while since I saw the movie, so this is almost entirely directly from the book. It is also not very funny. There will be spoilers for everything. I apologise for nothing.
***Chapter Three***
Dudley: I haz new school uniform. *shows off*
ZNZ: ...What kind of crazy person would be pleased about having a school uniform?
Dudley: Ah, but it’s not just the uniform.They also gave me a stick with which to hit people. See? *waves stick*
ZNZ: Ah. Then your pleasure is reasonable and justified.
Harry: Good morning, Aunt Petunia. What is that that you’remaking out of elephant skin and string?
Petunia: It’s your school uniform. For some reason I need toboil it, as opposed to the book when I just put it in a bowl of water but what the heck.
Harry: So I’m going to school dressed as an elephant?
Vernon: Oh, just shut up and go get the major plot point, Harry.
Harry: Sure, Uncle Vernon. *goes and picks up mail* Hmmm...Bills, bills, postcard, medical report from Aunt Marge’s doctor... oh, how strange! It’s a letter for me! I wonder if I should open it hereor wait until I’m in front of my relatives, who want to take every last bit of joy out of my life? Hmmm... I think I’ll open it in there.
ZNZ: Bad idea, Harry. Bad idea. Also, don’t you love the way the address says “The cupboard under the stairs”? Like Dumbly’s saying, “Hey, by the way? I know full well that your aunt and uncle are mistreating you horribly, but frankly I couldn’t care less.” Almost makes you believe all that fanfictionthat says he’s manipulative and evil.
Harry: Aw, you’re just a fanfic writer. What do you know? Not about Dumbly, obviously, who by the way you really shouldn’t have me know about yet, that just doesn’t make any sense, but about the letter. *goes to kitchen*Here’s your mail, Uncle Vernon.
Vernon: *reads postcard* Oh, dear, Marge has been eating seafood again.
Harry: *tries to open letter* Darn it, what kind of glue do they use on these?
Dudley: Harry’s got a letter! *tries to take Harry’s letter*
ZNZ: See, Harry, I told you this was a bad idea.
Harry: Shutupshutup!
Vernon: Gimme! *grabs*
Vernon’s Face: *turns green* *turns red* *turns into porridge*
ZNZ: Harry Potter and Vernon’s Amazing Colour-Changing Face! *applauds*
Petunia: *nearly faints*
Harry: I can haz letter?
Dudley: NO ME!
Vernon: No, don’t be ridiculous, Harry, you think we’d actually let you keep the one piece of mail you’ve received in your entire lifetime?
Capslock!Harry: I WANT MY LETTER!
Fandom: Wow, and here we were thinking JKR didn’t discover the capslock key until book five.
Vernon: OUT!
Fandom: And there she goes again!
Harry & Dudley: *have a fight* *eavesdrop*
Petunia: How do they know where he sleeps?
Vernon: They’re wizards. Duh. Honestly, sometimes I really wonder.
Petunia: Dear, stop being intelligent. It’s out of characterfor you.
Vernon: Good point. Okay, let’s ignore the letter. I’m surenothing will happen.
Petunia: ...I said not to be intelligent, Vernon, I didn’t say to be incredibly idiotic.
Vernon: No! We’ll stamp it out! Once and for all!
Petunia: Kay then.
Vernon: Think I’ll pay Harry a visit.
Harry: I hate my life so much.
Vernon: Hi, Harry! I just wanted you to know that I justburned the one piece of mail you have ever recieved in your life! It was misaddressed!
Harry: ...It had my cupboard on it. Clearly, you think I’man idiot.
ZNZ: Well, to be fair, in canon you really are.
Vernon: SILENCE!
Fandom: Wow, JKR.
Vernon: But, anyway, I think you ought to have a bedroom.This is in no way because Petunia and I are terrified about what you might do to us if we mistreat you further, (though that will not stop us from mistreating you later in the series) and it has nothing to do with trying to distract you from your letter which I absolutely did not burn and lie to you about.
Harry: ...That was a suspiciously specific denial.
Vernon: No it wasn’t. Anyway! We conveniently have a bedroomthat you can take over, so aren’t you lucky.
Harry: I can have an actual bedroom? With four walls and adoor and a roof? That I can actually stand up in? Sweet. *goes upstairs*
Dudley: NO! Where will I put my obscene amount of toys now?
Harry: Not my concern. But you know, I’d still like that letter too. Don’t think I’ve forgotten it.
Breakfast Next Morning: *is quiet*
Dudley: *is in shock*
Vernon: Dudley, get the mail. And just FYI, this is entirely unrelated to the fact that I am scared of Harry and/or want him to forget about the letter.
Harry: Whoa, you’re admitting to that?
Vernon: Shut up, Harry.
Dudley: Harry’s got a letter!
The Address on the Letter: *makes it very clear that Harry’s bedroom is the smallest*
ZNZ: I just felt like pointing that out. It makes me smile.
Everyone: *gets into a totally OOC group wrestlilng match*
Vernon: I totally win. Go away, everyone, and let me bask inmy victory.
Time: *passes*
Harry: I’m totally going to get it this time. *creeps in avery ninja-y fashion*
Vernon: *is big and squashy*
Harry: AAARGH!
ZNZ: Capslock count for this chapter: three. Also, Harry speaks pirate!
Vernon: *boards up mail slot, and the poor deluded man really thought that would help*
Fruitcake: I am not – ow – a hammer.
More time: *passes*
Harry: Sweet, more letters. Pity my uncle stole them. *whistles*
Vernon: *skips work*
ZNZ: Apparently when you work for a drill company they let you take as much time off work as you want. I am filing this under “Possible Future Careers” - I could spend all day writing lame HP parodies!
Yet More Time: *passes*
Things: *begin to get out of hand*
Harry: Honestly, if there’re this many letters you’d thinkI’d be able to grab one when they aren’t looking, but apparently not. Ah, well.
Dudley: I am in shock that someone would want to speak to my cousin!
Still MORE Time: *passes*
ZNZ: You getting tired of that yet?
Vernon: No post on Sundays! No damn letters today!
Harry: You can use that word in a kids book?
ZNZ: Of course. Anyway, by chapter three all the Reluctant Readers™ were so utterly engrossed that even people who think you shouldn’t be able to wouldn’t dare try take it away.
Letters: *have a very good sense of irony, thank you very much* *startpelting Vernon*
Vernon: That’s it! We’re going away!
Everyone: *gets in car*
Vernon: *drives like crazy*
Dudley: Daddy’s gone mad, hasn’t he?
Petunia: Yes, dear. Just make the best of it.
Vernon: Aha! A dark tower on an island in the middle of nowhere! No way the wizards who know which bedroom in our house Harry sleeps in will find ushere! Have some chips and bananas, all!
Dudley: *snores*
Dudley’s Watch: *is bright and glowy and tells Harry when his birthday will be*
Harry: *draws birthday cake in the dust*
Fandom: THIS IS DEPRESSING.
Harry: Tell me about it. Not only that, but I think I might be going to eat this thing!
Watch & Harry: *count down seconds*
Harry: *is eleven* *blows out nonexistent flames on dust cake* Happybirthday, Harry.
Fandom: *is depressed*
Thunder: *rolls*
Door: *crashes in* ... OW.
(January 8, 2011 - 8:23 pm)
What do you mean, it wasn't that funny?! That was hilarious! I LOL'ed so hard. This was partly because NDT was reading with me. Keep going!
Andy P. C. says avno.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(January 8, 2011 - 11:47 pm)
I laughed pretty hard! How dare you say that wasn't funny!
(January 9, 2011 - 12:09 pm)
Critique:
Dudley: NO! Where will I put my obscene amount of toys now?
Could have been
Dudley: NO! Where will I put my obscene amount of toys that I never play with now?
Funny enough though.
Vick says wzra.
~~~NDT~~~
(January 9, 2011 - 1:53 pm)
Ooh, excellent idea. *makes note of this* And thank you, everyone, for your kind words.
(January 9, 2011 - 3:21 pm)
Yes, it really was funny. My minor bit of Helpful Criticism™ is: Instead of consistently putting Time: *passes* Still MORE time: *passes* etc., I think it would be easier on the reader (and the typer/you too, frankly) to just put *time passes* or *still MORE time passes* etc.
Good job.
(January 10, 2011 - 6:00 pm)