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I'm writing a
I'm writing a novel, and i wanted y'all's opinions on it. This is the prologue. I just pasted it on here, soooo... i forgot what i was going to say. SO. Without further ado, the Sparrowhawk Chronicles, book one: New Alliances, Prologue.
Prologue
A breeze rustled through the branches of a tall willow tree, leaning over the roof of a little cabin. The curtains of a window swished as the breeze stole inside. It swirled, and if a breeze could look uncertain, this one did, until a beam of moonlight bent and illuminated the wooden crib in the corner. The breeze rustled over, and hovered above the sleeping form of the infant nestled there. The breeze whistled a bit, and a shimmering bubble appeared, picturing the infant. Light skin. The shadow of a smile. A golden fuzz covering her head. The baby girl’s eyes opened, and the image in the bubble mirrored her action, revealing startlingly blue irises, and a focused, almost stern gaze. The bubble moved up and down, as if nodding, and drifted closer to the baby, but suddenly dissipated as the sound of a shutter clattering open echoed through the cabin. A dark cloud sailed into the room and up to the crib, almost seeming to study the little girl, who had fallen back asleep. The cloud copied the breeze’s actions, the only differences being the cloud treated it like a ritual, and seemed to be disgusted by the child’s presence, whereas the breeze had been pleased. The cloud sank down towards the baby, and her eyes blinked open, and she let out a startled shriek. The cloud swished back, sailing straight through a chair in it's haste to leave the cabin as the little girl’s mother came in and picked her up, quietly shushing her.
The cloud flew above the trees, finally slowing down as it neared a small hollow. It swished up to a dark figure and hissed, barely forming the ghost of a sentence. “I found the child.”
“Did you kill it?” The question came sharply, accusing. The cloud flinched.
“No, she sensed me.”
“I thought you told me she didn't have any power yet!”
“She doesn't-”
“Then how did she sense you?”
“She’s just a bit perceptive-”
“Perceptive doesn't sense a cloud, Fluffy!”
Fluffy swirled, frustrated. “I hate that name. Why couldn't it have been Doom, or Evil Destroyer Of Future Enemies? EDOFE has a nice ring to it, don't you think?”
“IDIOT!!!” Fluffy flinched at the cry. “I’ll kill her myself,” muttered the shadowy creature, unfurling a pair of leathery batwings, and shooting towards the cabin.
The little girl had just fallen asleep. Her mother bent to lay her down in the crib, then straightened, humming slightly. Thunder rumbled. A brief flash of lightning lit the room, revealing the stiff form near the wall, framed by large wings. The child’s mother continued singing softly, oblivious to the creature’s presence. It advanced. A pair of dark hazel eyes glittered with malice. It blinked, and they were no longer hazel, instead a fiery red color spread over its eyes. Distinct yellow streaks seemed to stream from the black cat’s-eye pupils flicking back and forth, examining the room. Two snakelike fangs glinted between parted lips. Despite the demonic features, the creature closely resembled a woman. A hiss escaped her lips, and the mother turned around, eyes wide with terror. The woman’s sword shone scarlet before it plunged into the mother’s chest. Blood bloomed over her dress, and she crumpled to the floor. The woman stepped over the corpse, and looked into the crib. Her sword had somehow vanished. She reached towards the child, but before she could grasp the girl, a white arrow whistled by her face and imbedded itself in the wall. A second arrow pierced her arm, and she shrieked with fury. Ripping it free, she turned to the place that the arrows had come from. Her voice trembled with anger. “Who dares to shoot me?”
A silvery voice trilled from the shadows.“One who doesn't want the star child killed.”
“You just want the prophecy to be fulfilled.” The woman hissed back. “You're too scared to face me directly.”
A second voice joined the first. “We are trying to stop the prophecy, Kreagle. No one should have the responsibility that it tells of, but killing the star child isn't the way to stop it.”
Kreagle rolled her eyes. “Are you daft, Maple? The only way to stop a prophecy is to kill the one it speaks of.”
“We don't want the star child to be killed.” Said the first voice firmly, but Maple sighed.
“Perhaps, Alder, she may be right?”
Alder’s voice sharpened with surprise. “Surely you don't agree with her, Maple?”
Kreagle stamped her foot against the floor, not unlike a small child, angry at not getting her way. “Enough of this nonsense. Show yourselves, and we can talk through this like reasonable people.” Something in her voice suggested she meant anything but reasonable, and Alder knew it.
“We shouldn't-” she tried to say, but Maple interrupted her.
“Very well.” She said brightly, and stepped out of the shadows. Alder followed reluctantly. Kreagle studied the two. Alder and Maple appeared human, but they both had luminous white skin, dragonfly wings, and their eyes were completely white, without a glint of another color. Alder stepped forward.
“Now, we really need to take the star child and-” Her sentence was cut short as Kreagle lunged in front of her, cutting her off from the crib. The demon-woman’s voice had changed to a guttural growl.
“You're not going anywhere with that child!”
Alder’s blank eyes widened, but she didn't seem surprised. Maple nocked an arrow and pointed it at Kreagle.
“You said we’d talk about it, not fight about it!”
Alder dodged Kreagle and ran to the crib, picking up the girl, who had woken up and was watching the three with fascination. Kreagle hissed at her, and her sword appeared out of nowhere, swinging down toward Alder’s head. Alder sidestepped the blow, but her foot slipped in a pool of blood left from the mother’s slaughter, and she sat down heavily, the child still clasped to her chest. The sword shimmered red as Kreagle leaned down. Her fangs glimmered in the moonlight.
“Thanks for the present.” Kreagle hissed mockingly, and she slipped the sword cleanly between Alder’s ribs. Alder gasped, and she bent over, digging her fingernails into the child’s arm. Her eyes began to glow. Kreagle staggered back.
“What is she doing?”
Maple stared at Alder’s shaking figure. It had begun to glow brightly, and almost disappeared. “When a faery dies-”
“Faery?”
“Yes. when a faery dies, they need a vessel to contain their powers. It’s not supposed to be a person, but there's nothing else to use. The star child is accepting Alder’s powers.”
Kreagle glared at Maple for a moment, then turned and leaped through the window. Maple continued watching as the glow faded. Alder had vanished. The baby girl was still laying on the floor, but when Maple picked her up, the air bent around her, and misty wings formed, slowly solidifying until a pair of white feathered wings curved around the child’s body. She blinked up at Maple, and her eyes were completely blue, with white cats-eye pupils. She chirped, then let out a piercing shriek that echoed through the cabin. Maple looked at her closely.
“You're a little sparrow-hawk. A… Sparrowhawk.”
The newly named Sparrowhawk giggled, and Maple looked towards the window.
“I'm taking you to my house. You'll be safer there.” She grasped Sparrowhawk firmly, and flew off above the trees.
I'm open for constructive criticism.
submitted by Nyx, age 12 years, earth
(June 10, 2019 - 8:05 pm)
(June 10, 2019 - 8:05 pm)
Top please!
Chapter Two pt. Four: N'dat
The Great Hall’s ceiling soared high above N’dat’s head, dotted with stalactites as thick as tree trunks, but from here they looked like toothpicks. The dim reddish light that lit the rest of the tunnels was replaced here by a blinding scarlet glow emanating from a huge crystal on the ceiling. N’dat blinked away tears and focused on the throne at the end of the long room. He straightened his shoulders, mentally going through his list of ways to keep on Kreagle’s good side.
Respectful display of strength, don't show weakness, wide stance with head up and shoulders back--
“N’dat.”
The sound of his name being called jolted N’dat out of his reverie. He looked up. Without realizing it, he had reached the end of the room. Kreagle’s wide black throne was placed on a high dais, and made of skeletons and twisted, broken weapons fused together. In places there was a red sheen, looking almost like smeared blood. It didn't look like a comfortable place to sit, but the figure lounging there certainly looked comfortable enough.
Kreagle was tall, but even without her height she was an imposing figure. She wore a sleek black shirt and leggings, and shiny scarlet boots and gloves. The Khratchskan symbol, a crossed sword and spear over the outline of an eagle, glittered red on her chest. Her dark hazel eyes glinted with constant fury that the Myrians still lived. Her long black hair was painstakingly braided strand by strand and woven with tiny, glittering red ribbons. N’dat knew that if Kreagle went into battle, she would pull the braided strands of hair back from her face with a band to keep them out of the way, but now they cascaded over her shoulders, glittering red against her black clothes. She looked down at N’dat and smiled, revealing snakelike fangs that twisted her smile into a sneer.
“What are you doing down there, my little demon? Come up here.” Kreagle beckoned N’dat up onto the dais, and he sat next to the throne, folding his legs under himself.
“My Lady Kreagle,” he began. “Why did you want to see me?”
Kreagle gave him her sneering smile again. “I’ll tell you once the others get here.”
“Others? What others?”
“I called several of you.”
“Oh.” Sure enough, a few moments later a group of about twenty Khratchskans, assorted demons and hybrids, entered the Great Hall. N’dat saw Kanera, a huge, hulking orange dragon, Lask, who was glaring at him for being up on the dais, Scrape, a lean, sinewy, gray-skinned serpentine demon, Crest and Droplet the mer-demons, wearing matching sullen expressions, and others N’dat had hardly met, and couldn't have named if he tried. Kreagle motioned for him to join the others.
(October 13, 2019 - 2:36 pm)
Chapter Two pt. Five: N'dat
Once they had all assembled in a rough rectangle formation, Kreagle stood to speak.
“My demons,” she began. There was some nervous shuffling. “We have waited too long since our last battle. The Myrians have become too bold. They have even begun to approach the border!” She looked down on her troop, silently cueing outraged gasps and exclamations. Seemingly satisfied, she continued. “I have decided to send you, led by Crest, to infiltrate the Myrian base. Do it before dawn, and search the bedrooms for sleeping fighters. Whoever you find, tie them up and gag them. Do not kill them. I want to see the looks on their faces when they find that their little base has been overrun. No, I’m not coming with you.” She had seen their hopeful faces. Kreagle would have evened the odds of such a small strike force conquering the Myrian base. “I want you to take Streesk with you,” she continued. “When you have finished your mission, send him for backup. Now, my demons,” she hissed, seeming to grow taller as her eyes glowed red and her hands twitched with anticipation,
“Go.”
(October 15, 2019 - 7:01 am)
Chapter Three pt. One: Daene
Chapter three: Daene
After Alkethi left, Daene cautiously climbed back out of the lake and onto the bank, his tail morphing into dark legs. He laughed to himself. He was wearing the black pants. Sparrowhawk had charmed them so that even if he shapeshifted into mer-form, even if he took them off beforehand, he would always be wearing them when he took human form. He suspected that Sparrowhawk had done it as a sort of prank, despite her frequent protesting that it was so he wouldn't surprise anyone.
He looked down the hall that Alkethi had left through, feeling guilty about the way he had dismissed her.
But I had good reason! his thoughts defended himself.
There’s never a good reason to be that mean, he thought back at his thoughts.
You couldn't tell her about--
Okay, fine, he relented, but it didn't help his guilt. His thoughts, though, seemed unwilling to let it go at that, and pressed on his mind, forcing him to remember his dream.
(October 15, 2019 - 7:03 am)
Chapter Three pt. Two: Daene
He had stood in a huge cave, brightly lit with a reddish light, with stalactites hanging from the ceiling, and a great twisted black throne on a black dais at the end. He drifted forward in dream form, towards the throne, and slowly realized that on the throne there was a malignant force, from which the blazing red light seemed to emanate. In front of the throne knelt another force, less powerful, he could see, that glowed with a bluish light, but as he watched, it darkened into blood red and merged with the force on the throne. As he watched, the force turned towards him, and stretched out a glowing tendril, seeking to draw him into its embrace as well--
Daene jerked out of the memory, gasping and swaying on his feet, before sitting down on the ground. It seemed that his dream signified that one of the Myrians would be drawn over to the Khratchskan side, and betray their friends and allies, but he didn't know who. He tried to dismiss it as simply a nightmare, but it had taken hold of him, filling his muscle and bone with a cold dread, and telling him to avoid all the other Myrians, in case one of them was the one who would betray them. He didn't want to hide from his friends, from a terrifying dream that surely meant nothing. He thought guiltily again of Alkethi. One of the only humans in the Myrian ranks so far, she held a certain fascination for him, and he found himself daily staring at her across the main cavern, as she talked and laughed with the other Myrians. He wished he hadn’t sent her away so abruptly and unkindly.
(October 15, 2019 - 7:05 am)
Chapter Three pt. Three: Daene
Slowly, he got to his feet, and walked through the hall that led to the main cavern, resolving to find Sparrowhawk in the noontime throng and tell her about his dream.
But instead of a cavern full of bustling Myrians, he found only silence. He walked briskly, slightly worried, towards the hall that had Sparrowhawk’s room. There was complete and utter silence, until he neared the room, and he heard curses and muffled thumps. Sparrowhawk’s door was ajar, and from it came the sounds of a fight. He ran in, and gaped at the scene.
Sparrowhawk and Alkethi fought back to back against several Khratchskan warriors. Alkethi fought furiously with her knife and blaster against a tall, thin, sinewy demon with rough gray skin, reptilian eyes, and a forked tongue flickering between it's small, sharp teeth. A thick gray tail whipped back and forth for balance as it parried Alkethi’s shots and knife thrusts, swinging back with a short curved scimitar. On the other side, Sparrowhawk flashed and twisted her blue-glowing crystal sword against two spear-wielding demons, one with dull red-green skin, a blackish-red jumpsuit, and long, stringy green hair, and the other with shiny scarlet scales all over its body and tail, clawed hands, and dragon’s wings, and at a second glance Daene saw that the second wasn't a demon at all, but a human-dragon hybrid.
(October 15, 2019 - 7:07 am)
Chapter Three pt. Four: Daene
Daene sprang forward and body-slammed the serpentine demon away from Alkethi. They hit the floor, Daene on top, and he looked down at the demon’s shocked face, surprised to find it female. He scrambled off and she ran out of the room to hide behind the doorframe, peeking in and looking like she was trying to make up her mind whether or not to jump back into the fight. Daene turned to Alkethi.
“What happened?” he asked.
Alkethi looked reproachfully at him, reminding him painfully of his earlier gruff dismissal. “Don't know,” she replied. “Why don't you take this--” she tossed him the demon’s scimitar, “and go find out where the others are, and if there are any more Khratchskans here.” Having finished, it seemed, instructing him, she turned and leapt to help Sparrowhawk.
Daene turned and ran out into the hall. The serpent demon was nowhere to be seen, perhaps having fled to tell her companions that they had missed one of the Myrians. He ran across the hall and burst through the door to Ash’s room, a tree faery who had joined only just recently. Daene found him lying on the floor of his room, a gag in his mouth and ropes wrapped cruelly around his whole body. Ash had short white hair, pale white skin, and blank white eyes. His transparent dragonfly wings were twisted painfully into the ropes. Daene crouched down and cut his bonds with the scimitar.
“What happened?” he asked.
“Kreagle’s fighters,” gasped Ash, wincing as his wings jostled. “Two of them came into my room and grabbed me. Tied me up and left. Must have gotten the others too.”
(October 15, 2019 - 7:10 am)
Chapter Three pt. Five: Daene
Daene grabbed Ash’s knife from where it hung on the wall and tossed it to him. “I don't know why they didn't take this, but it's a good thing they didn't. I need you to help me free everybody. The Khratchskans probably sent a messenger back to their base and there'll be backup coming for them.”
Ash nodded, and dashed out the door. Daene left too and ran in the opposite direction than the faery had gone. Going from door to door, finding a Myrian bound and gagged in each room, he freed four more of his comrades, sending them in turn to free others. Then he remembered that he had left Alkethi and Sparrowhawk fighting the two demons, and the serpentine demon that had run for help.
He burst through an especially tall and wide door, finding Valour, one of the two dragons in the ranks. Valour wasn't enormous, but his back was almost as tall as six-foot-seven Sparrowhawk’s head, and he was almost twenty feet long, with a wider wingspan. His scales were dark sea green, and his tightly bound wings were dark yellow-gold.
He slowly raised his head as Daene walked in. It was difficult to cut through the many ropes that bound the large dragon, but eventually, it was done. Valour stretched his jaw and gazed at Daene with dark blue eyes.
“So,” he rasped in his deep voice. “I am finally freed…... By a mer-man……..”
“Yes,” Daene answered, puzzled by Valour’s apparent confusion that it would be a mer-man that freed him, but he shook it off. “The Khratchskans--”
“Have invaded, incapacitated most of the Myrians, and sent for backup,” Valour cut in. “I know. Where is Sparrowhawk?”
“In her room, last I checked,” Daene stuttered. He hadn't expected Valour to finish his sentence, and it was disconcerting to not be able to share the news himself. The dragon heaved himself to his feet and lumbered out the door, ducking to avoid bumping his head on the doorframe.
(October 15, 2019 - 7:12 am)
Chapter Three pt. Six: Daene
Daene followed him to the main cavern, where the majority of the Myrians, now free, were facing off against a Khratchskan strike force of sixty or more. Both armies could not fit into the entire cavern, so there were warriors of both sides standing uncomfortably a ways down the halls. Daene and Valour fought their way to the middle, where Sparrowhawk and Alkethi faced off against the red-scaled winged hybrid, an orange dragon as big as Valour, and the dull greenish-red-skinned demon, which Daene now recognized as a breed of mercreature. Sparrowhawk and the mer-demon, who seemed to be leading the strike force, both stepped forward.
“You are trespassing, Crest,” Sparrowhawk said testily. The leader of the Myrians had long ginger-gold hair in a braid that reached the middle of her back, and a scar running down her face, blinding her left eye. She wore a black longsleeved and long-legged skintight suit, black gloves, and black flexible slippers. On her chest there was a white emblem of a hawk with its wings outspread, with a white circle around it. Sparrowhawk never wore anything other than what she was wearing.
Crest, the mer-demon, glared at them.
(October 15, 2019 - 7:13 am)
I love this story! The only thing I'd say is to maybe describe how the characters developed towards how they are now. For example; maybe their backstory, or something that really gives the character what makes them now. Sorry if my English is bad. Please do continue! I'd love to read more.
(October 22, 2019 - 7:09 pm)
@Luminara, There are a few ways that I will do that, I just havn't thought of how to, yet. One way, at least, is in the prologue of each book. It'll have a little backstory in each one.
(October 23, 2019 - 7:43 am)
@Nyx | That is a very unique way of explaining backstories, and I love it! As I said before, please do write more. Sorry I did not mean to rhyme, but I just lost track of time. Oh gosh. I need to stop rhyming.
(October 23, 2019 - 4:09 pm)
I'm working on the next part!
(October 24, 2019 - 7:41 am)
Wow. Just wow. I don't know what to say, so I'll tell you what Lightpaw says (My CAPTCHA apprentice). Hmmm... -ugaag-. -ugaag-?! Well, apparently Lightpaw DOESN'T like your story, very different from me. He hates it so much he wants to gag you!! Excuse be, but (says loudly) LIGHTPAW NEEDS A TALKING TO.
(October 26, 2019 - 8:04 am)
Chapter three pt. seven: Daene
“Five minutes ago, we were not trespassing,” she growled. “Because we had taken this base. It was ours. But then your human and your merman came and released everybody.” She seemed to be complaining and defending her reasons for invading, like a child, rather than fighting back.
Sparrowhawk muttered a faerian curse under her breath. No one could tell how she knew Faerian, but she used it quite often, when she didn't want anyone else to know what she was saying.
“Nevertheless, Crest,” she growled, “You are trespassing now, and we want you to get out of here before we make you.”
This brought a smirk to the pouting mer-demon’s lips. “You know you couldn't possibly do that, Sparrowhawk,” she said. “The Myrians have never truly beaten us. We outnumber you three to one.”
“We outnumber you here.”
“Yes, well…..” Crest seemed to be at a loss for words now. “Ahm…….. Attack!”
The cavern erupted into battle.
(October 27, 2019 - 8:17 pm)
Chapter four pt. one: Kanera
Kanera leapt forward at Crest’s signal, and crashed into a great green dragon as big as she was. He roared in fury, and clamped his jaws around her foreleg. She winced. This dragon was older than she was, and stronger. She’d have to find another opponent. Whirling and twisting free, she pounded across the cavern until she collided with a smaller, skinnier lavender dragon.
“Gah! Ah-hagh!” The dragon cried out in pain as Kanera bowled her over into the wall. Her light blue eyes stared up into Kanera’s glowing red ones, full of fear.
“Righteous!” The green dragon was trying to get to them. Kanera looked back down at Righteous. She was barely half as big as her.
N’dat would feel sorry for the twerp, she thought. I just think whoever chose this skinny dragon for their army was a fool. She lowered her head, and put her jaws around Righteous’s neck. Righteous let out a scream as Kanera slowly sank her fangs into her throat. Inch by inch, scale by scale, agonizing second by agonizing second, she pressed deeper into Righteous’s neck. It was amazing to feel the dragon’s life seeping out between Kanera’s jaws, the warm blood dripping from the corners of her mouth. Drunk with exhilaration, she didn't notice the ice blue bundle of scales hurtling towards her.
(October 27, 2019 - 8:19 pm)