I don't like... who I am. 

Me.

Me.

Who is me?

Whoever they are, I don't like them.

Them.

Me.

I fail, and I flop, and I don't do well.

And me... and who I am doesn't like.

Who I am tells me 'Oh please, pathetic! Don't you dare share any of that. Why would you consider that good?'

Quite rude.

But it's me.

But I don't want to be me.

***

Self-loathing? Is that what you would call it? Whatever it is, the condition where you heavily dislike yourself and frequently put yourself down, even be... unhealtily unkind to yourself. It's sad, true, but I have friends at least. They often make me feel better. :) 

I don't get depressed about how I look or grades or whatever. What depresses me is mostly the state of our environment, what happens after we die, and disease. Oh, and nuclear power plants.

I don't know if I am depressed. After getting home from school, I ust start to goof of on the iternet. Read. Internet. Read. For hours. And sometimes I don't like myself.

Am I depressed?

Hum. If you guess me, I'll gie you a million dollers. JK. Ill give you a vertual high five...who can pass that up? I am currently not depressed, but I was. And I have a little story to tell. 

~*~

School. What is school? A place for friends, they tell me. A place to be smart, they tell me. A place to figure out who you are, they tell me. But people judge. They see me as someone who never speaks, the nurd you could say. But I'm not a nurd. I'm actually...unnatuarly stupid. Thats what I belive at least. That's why I go to a private school, at least.

What are friends? People who you can trust. People who respect you, symathise for you, and most of all, love you. But what if a friend expects that from you, but doesn't give it back?

What happens when you lose it and need a brake? Will they bully you? Demand for your return? But when you refuse, will they hate you? Tell you they never trusted you? Date your boyfriend to get on your nerves? STeal all your other friends? Make it a game of wits?

Would they expel you? Make you loose your privaleg for school?

Would they ruin your life? Make your parents hate you more then they already did? For, you will always be second in line, even though you were first born. You have no skills, and those you do they disapprove. They take away drawing notepads, writing notepads, and books. They wish for you to be like them, smart, social. But you aren't. You're you, specail in your own way. 

Ways they dissaprove.

So you were shunned, shunned your whole life.

But you could escape, with friends. They loved you more then your family ever would.

But what happens when they all go away? When you realize they hate you more then your parents ever will. What happens then?

You want to punish them, but you can't. WHat if they hate you for a reason? Because you've done something wrong, or just not a likeable person?

You can't escape. Hate is everywhere. But there is one escape...the blade of a knife.

But you know you can't do it.

Everey day gets worse. Bullied. Forgaten. Ignored. Shunned. Forgaten again.

What will happen now? What lies beyond?

You get expelled. Expelled by the people you used to love.

Now you had to make a choice. Puplic school, or the same school again. Shunned, ignored, forgaten. You couldn't go back the next year. But you didn't want to face the many people of a public school.

You had no choice.

But the comfort of old and new friends felt good against your dull heart. To let it all go. You joined sports, so many sports you never had to see your parents. Life was slowly getting better.

Your heart was cradled in the hands of trust from many friends. Friends who cared. Friends who...who loved you.

You were no longer forgoten. No longer ignored. You were one of them, a popular someone with all of your friends. You felt loved, wanted.

Untill that friend came back.

She stole all your friends. Made them hate you. But one friend stood by you. She wasn't your closest friend, but she was there for you. And she was there to help you make new friends, and soon that girl left. Your other friends hated you from the many rumers she spread, but you have other friends. Soon you make up with those friends...

and you were loved again.

Love. What is love? The ability to forgive and forget. The ability to respect and trust other people. The ability to be happy, and spread your happyness to others. 

Happyness. What is happyness? The bubbling fealing in your chest. The trust of your friends, the love of your friends. The ability to forget everything bad and let in the new. The ability to be me.

~*~

So there you have it. Theres my story. Just remeber, there is always light at the end of a bleak tunnle. Always something to be remembered, love, happyness, friendship. The only escape from depression is love. Love and forgivness. Whatever's bothering you, the best thing is to maybe try and solve it. A quarle with your BF or GF, a quarle with your friends or parents. If its unsolvable, try and forget and forgive. Or if you wish not to, try and make new friends. Its also feels good to let it all out. Remeber, hate doesnt last forever. Love will find a way. ;) 

I don't get depressed. Generally. I guess there is one thing....

This is sort of a story. I haven't revised it, though.

~~
The girl stared out her window at the middle schoolers walking home from school.

She watched as big groups of girls, chattering and laughing, passed by.

A single tear rolled down her cheek.

She tried to tell herself that it was fine, and homeschooling was much better than going to school, but she wasn't able to believe that. She felt so lonely.

Almost all of her friends had moved away, and now she had only three friends, and the only one that lived in her neighborhood went to that middle school. That middle school.

Sometimes she wouldn't see any of those three friends for weeks at a time. The only real contact with people that she got regularly was with her family.

She loved her family, but...they couldn't take the place of friends. Girls her age.

It didn't help that she lived on a street full of schools.

A high school.

An elementary school.

A Catholic school.

A girl's private high school.

A small college.

Several daycares.

And the middle school.

She leaned her head on her hand and forced herself to look away from the window.

Her eyes stung.

Growing up as a homeschooler, she had learned to grow accustomed to the loneliness, but now that she was older and growing to be more of an extrovert than any of her family, she felt it so much more.

Pain.

Sadness.

Loneliness.

~~

Thank you for reading this. 

I hide

behind it all

the cloths

the personalaty

deap down I'm breaking

slowly fading away

a shell of my former self

friends.

ther're supposed to be there

but how can they

when you to scared to tell them

you laugh along

but deep down your crying

you keep it from everyone

don't let them know

they'll say your insane

you mad

but I'm not

I sit alone

i like it better that way

alone

they think i'm anisocal

maybe I am

but

i don't care

the words they say

the things they do

all I care about it 

is him

but

feelings are to

stupid

to express

I can't

can't make myself beleive

that him

HIM

could like me

so I hide

behind it all

my life 

it's a lie

I'm scared 

of everything

i'm an insomneac

I'm losing sleep

because

I'm worried

that everything that matters to me will fade away

I'm worried

that I'm the charraty case to my friends

that I'm the odd one out

that they take pity on me

they really hate me

I lay awake at night and worry that all I have

is my braine

and I try so hard

SO hard

and still teachers get to determine

wheather or not 

I'm trying hard enough or slacking

they don't know

what I'm going through

I write to describe what i feel

I lose all magic in reality

so I lose myself in magical fiction

I become distant

to everyone

but

my fictional charrictars

but sooner or later their gone

the story has ended

and one day it will for me

not yet

im not that deep

but when people ask what's wrong...

I'm fine

but inside

I'm dieing 

My friends, have moved on. 

I like staying here, not like my friends.

No one is my friend

I want friends

No one wants me as thier friends.

I am just no one.

I have no point in the world.

Pepole don't like me 

I ask them to be my friend

They say yes, but they never come to my partys

No one comes.

I feel all alone.

I am just a girl with no point in life.