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Calling all Poets!!~
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Calling all Poets!!~
Calling all Poets!!~
I think we need a thread to discuss and critique each other's poetry, as well as ask questions and learn from each other and other poets! So, to keep this organized, the first person to post a poem that they wrote will post it, and everyone, including me, will discuss and critique it. Please do not just "drop off" a poem to be critiqued, but become a part of the discussion. Once we have all critiqued that poem, then somebody else can post one, but please only when we have completed the discussion. My last poetry critique group died because people were just posting their poems without waiting their turn, and I couldn't keep up with critiquing all of them. So please, let's work together and HAVE FUN! Once in a while, I will post a poem by a poet such as Mary Oliver, Robert Frost or E. E. Cummings, or a question or discussion starter :) Please, if you see this thread and go to post the first poem, make sure that no one else has already commented, whether or not it is posted. Yay! Bring on the poetry! I cannot wait to see your beautiful words :D
submitted by Rose bud, age 12, SC
(June 1, 2015 - 6:01 pm)
(June 1, 2015 - 6:01 pm)
I shall start!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tick tock clicks the clock
Away the time as I do walk
Further foreward all the time
Punnishing me for my crime
Tick tock chants the clock
Counting up to bigger shocks
Louder, soft, the sounds, they spin
Tiny whisper to thundering din
The chants, the cheers
They reach my ears
But not for long
They do remind
Every second
All the time
I cannot jump
My life will end
If only my mistake to mend
Tick tock taunts the clock
As I plunge and hit the rock
My life is ending
I feel it now
The clock is ticking
To death I bow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They were walking the plank, in case you couldn't tell...
(June 2, 2015 - 7:39 pm)
Wow, I really like your subject Little Sister! This poem made me think of the crocodile in Peter Pan.
The lines
Tick tock clicks the clock
Away the time as I do walk
are a little confusing. The meaning of the phrase "Away the time" isn't really clear.
The line
The chants, the cheers
starts a change in the rythem of the poem, and I think this second rythem is a better fit for the poem.
These are just some ideas to get your editing started, I hope they help!
(June 3, 2015 - 8:23 am)
"Away the time" means that time is passing.
(June 4, 2015 - 1:54 pm)
This is a good poem! The repetition and beat really gets you going.
(June 3, 2015 - 10:06 am)
If only my mistake to mend
It's an interesting line, but it makes it sound like the person walking the plank could recant something and live. Is that true? If not, the line doesn't make much sense.
the Chants, the Cheers
they reach my ears
but not for long
they do remind
I like it. The lines have a great ring to them. But its the but not for long that's throwing me off here. First off, it rhymes with nothing. I'm alright with that, but the line simply doesn't make much since. Something like
The Chants the Cheers
They reach my ears
Why do they excite so for my coming death
Will they relish in my dying breath?
might make a little more since. We don't really get a feel for WHAT they are cheering for, are they cheering for your death? A victory?
In conclusion, I think you have a great vibe going. As soon as I read it I think medieval pirate ship with a prisoner walking the plank. We are living in a world of modern free-verse, and it's simply divine to see a rhyming adventure poem. Definetly post a next draft !
(June 3, 2015 - 12:48 pm)
What if you said,
The Chants, the Cheers,
They reach my ears
A [insert adjective with good number of syllables here] song
I won't hear for long
I think that a line with a more definite beat and a rhyme would make the poem flow better.
(June 3, 2015 - 6:27 pm)
The chants, the cheers
they reach my ears
is another stanza, but a short one.
But not for long
they do remind
every second
all the time
is another one.
(June 4, 2015 - 1:56 pm)
If only my mistake to mend
It's kind of like putting a scale back in balance; they made a mistake, now they're walking the plank as kind of a... payback?
(June 4, 2015 - 1:58 pm)
The Chants the Cheers
They reach my ears
Why do they excite so for my coming death
Will they relish in my dying breath?
~~~~~~~~
Good idea, but I dicided not to because it changes the rhythm of the poem a lot.
(June 4, 2015 - 2:06 pm)
top
(June 3, 2015 - 7:46 am)
I agree with Rainbow's suggestion :D
(June 3, 2015 - 8:06 pm)
Thanks! I'll re-write it with the suggestions!
~~~~~~~~~~
Tick tock clicks the clock
Passing time by as I walk
Further foreward all the time
Punnishing me for my crime
Tick tock chants the clock
Counting up to bigger shocks
Louder, soft, the sounds, they spin
Tiny whisper to thundering din
The chants, the cheers
They reach my ears
A cunning song
I won't hear for long
I cannot jump
My life will end
If only my mistake to mend
Tick tock taunts the clock
As I plunge and hit the rock
My life is ending
I feel it now
The clock is ticking
To death I bow
~~~~~~~~~~~
Better?
(June 4, 2015 - 2:04 pm)
It is your opinion as to what is "better" or not, but I think it flows better and the meanings are more clear. Great poem, Little Sister!
(June 4, 2015 - 3:02 pm)
Thanks! NEXT POEM?? (Somebody else)
(June 4, 2015 - 3:46 pm)
Can I reserve that next spot? I'll post mine in a bit.
And Little Sister, I loved your poem! It's very rhythmatic and well-described, and I think the revisions made it even more amazing.
(June 5, 2015 - 11:03 am)