Places to Chat
RMS Humbug and
Chatterbox: Inkwell
RMS Humbug and
RMS Humbug and RMS Tiny Invite You To Their Maiden Voyages!
On September 22, a day that looks, smells, and tastes like any other day – which, for that matter, it probably is – an “ordinary” person much like yourself (maybe even yourself?) finds in the back of their cupboard a five-year-old mayonnaise jar. The nutrition facts label reads as follows:
Vitamin B12 – 2%
Vitamin Z564 – 26%
You, random but lucky person, are invited to the maiden voyages of the RMS Tiny and the RMS Humbug, two cruise ships belonging to the Ridiculous Management of Seagoers (RMS) Company! Isn't that awesome? It starts on October 10, so you have lots of time to pack! Isn't that even awesomer! And it's completely FREE*! Please RSVP by October 5. Anyone who wishes to join after October 5th but before October 10 has a lot less chance of making it onto the ship on time. Anyone attempting to board the ship after October 10 will find that the ship has already left, and I am afraid that under no circumstances can we pick up latecomers.
Cheesiness – 41%
Corniness - 22%
Good Old Random Humour – 5555555555%
Logic - (-111%)
Vitamin A+ - 4.67%
The person squints to read the fine print (the finest print they've ever seen) at the bottom of the label:
*This may or may not include certain expenses, including but not limited to: food, accommodation, extreme trauma counselors, staff, my new billion-dollar fridge, etc. NOTE: Some of these expenses may seem entirely unrelated to the subject at hand, but let me assure you that, when viewed from a holistic point of view, they are all completely necessary.
-Your Future Captain,
The Ominous
ANOTHER NOTE: Any complaints, questions, forwarded expenses, or wishes to sue may all be sent to John F.Q. and CaptainRead of the Cricket Chatterbox!
ANOTHER NOTE: We here at RMS Co. believe that there are two possible reasons why the Titanic sank. One is that it had such a huge, grand name that the sea serpents got angry and told the iceburgers to “let 'em have it broadside!”. Of course, as you all know, iceburgers don't have very good aim, so instead of “having it broadside”, the Titanic was rammed from the front, causing the deaths of millions. The other is that everyone thought it was unsinkable, and so we all jinxed it and of course it just had to sink after that. This is why we have built the RMS Tiny and the RMS Humbug. The former ship will be completely unsinkable because of its unassuming name, and the latter will be a test to see if we were right. The RMS Humbug has been equipped with all the sorts of things that superstitious sailors think contribute to the angering of sea serpents and the sinking of ships, and it will probably be sunk almost immediately.
AND ANOTHER NOTE: When everyone has boarded the RMS Tiny (no one will want to go on the RMS Humbug, we are certain), their names will inexplicably appear in Pandora's Fedora, owned by your captain, The Ominous (that's me!). A “murderer” will be drawn out of it, and the game will begin! From then on, those whose names are drawn out of Pandora's Fedora will “disappear”, unfortunate “victims” to the will of the hat.
YET ANOTHER TEDIOUS NOTE: This was inspired by T.O.N.'s Ski Lodge Murder Mysteries(TM), and we here at RMS Co. sincerely hope that it is different enough to avoid any copyright issues. To be sure of this, there is a rather severe plot twist that we can't tell you a single thing about. We will not use the Ski Lodge, nor any of the characters from it, and we will attempt to use our own style of writing, no matter how much we may be unconsciously influenced into doing otherwise because of the sheer awesomeness of the Ski Lodge. "Days" will be written whenever possible during the busy schedule of The Ominous, and you can hope to expect from one to three of them per week. Everyone who signs up may post their view of the "day," but please wait until you've read whatever The Ominous has written before doing so, and because of the severe yet unknowable plot twist, your memories will be wiped once you die, so there are unfortunately no ghosts. If you really want to, dreams or hallucinations are allowed.
The person snorts dismissively. “Some silly, outdated advertisement or conspiracy meant to get more people to eat mayonnaise! Well, it certainly didn't work very well...” They think, staring at the uneaten mayonnaise jar for a few seconds, and then throwing it over their shoulder into a garbage can and inadvertently causing a snowstorm in Italy.
DINGALING! DINGALING! The phone rings. You pick it up, wrenching your gaze from the scattered tea leaves in front of you that had just produced the story above. “Hello?”
“Good evening. This is Super Mayonnaise Incorporated, business partner with RMS Co. We have been looking through our records, and it has come to our inattention that the five-year-old mayonnaise jar you just now allegedly threw over your shoulder was never sold, stolen, or even brought into existence in the first place. It does not exist, and neither does your house, no matter how real it may appear. Furthermore, you do not exist. We deny everything, and have lawsuits in place to make sure you do not claim otherwise. In fact, I am talking to thin air right now, because you do not exist. Neither does your telephone. Goodbye, thin air, and thank you for your co-operation.”
Before you can speak, the line goes dead. Now thoroughly mystified, you decide to thwart reason and pack your bags to wherever it was that the ships were supposed to leave from. Not that there had been a location mentioned anywhere in the story your tea leaves just told you, but you still think you have an idea of where to go. You hope.
submitted by The Ominous, age unknown, mysterious
(September 22, 2014 - 7:25 pm)
(September 22, 2014 - 7:25 pm)
The sheep thing was hilarious, as is pretty much everything else that goes on on this ship!
(October 30, 2014 - 5:46 pm)
TOP!
(November 1, 2014 - 5:49 pm)
TOPTOPTOP!!!
(November 2, 2014 - 10:39 pm)
Ha! Improbability drive! So I am not the only person to acknowledge the existence of Douglas Adams!
(November 3, 2014 - 5:55 pm)
Hooray, other HHGTTG people! BookWizard, you should check out a RP-thingy my brother and I made a while ago and someone (probably John F.Q.) just topped it! Have you read either of the Dirk Gently books by Douglas Adams? I think I may have spotted a reference to the second one in Day 0!
(November 4, 2014 - 4:12 pm)
NOOOOO MY HAIR!!!!!! You wouldn't belive how creepy Gollum is in real life ( shudders) but the basement is even worse if that can be. I think I can still hear Gollum. (In the distance, Myyyyy precccciouss want ze disheeeees precccious) end of personal diary day 2
(November 4, 2014 - 4:40 pm)
(Oh and I must tell everyone who doesn't know, I have an alter ego, she is the crazy one, I am slightly
normaler, and she is the one who looks up to the Masked Piester as an
idol, and best friend. Oh and SHE is the one that loves blowin' things
up! Of and jsyk her name is: THE BLASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and yes she sings exactly like that. [Oh and note, I am a Ice/Water
Nymph, sooooooooo, you'll see what will happen... *Grins
Mischievously*])
After the- erp, fiesta, last night/this mornin' I had a very eventful day~
I was walkin' to the library, to get some books, ya know, but I must have taken
a wrong turn somewhere, because -*Blue Poof that freezes EVERYTHING*- Hiya
it's me Blaster, 'cause, she let me into my body here, I just happened, to end
up in the basement, with Gollom, (We had a long talk about jewelry), 'cause I just
happened to knock Gorge -who I didn't stalk all day...- and just happened, to
not steal his key, that I just happened to tried opening the door with, and
succeeded, and just happened to make a set of keys just like every one on his
key ring, which I gave to Gollom for a -er- shipwarming gift, and just happened to
find the library, and give Winter the ability to control our body. -*Blue Poof that
unfreezes EVERYTHING*- Penguins, couch, laptop, stapler, orange. Hi! You're
back, or I'm back. Whatever, anyway, hello, it's me, Winter, so then I went to the library,
and the strangest thing happened, I saw my NanoNovel, COMPLETELY
WRITTEN!!! So I read it, and it was perfect! So, naturally I smuggle it to
my room (which I have no clue how by the way, it was, 300,000 pages!
Yesssss!). As soon as I started reading it, my charries started coming
out of the book!!! Gracen and Valeareazax were having a fight, "Well I
thought you did..." yeah don't want to get into that... Soooo 'night
diary!
Fluffy says: ugny. I don't even know...
(November 6, 2014 - 1:53 pm)
GAH!!!!!!!!!! Been Meaning to post here!!!!!!!!
By the way, I meant to give you this, Ominous. I don't know what to call it yet, but here it is (thaes out silvery remote in the shape of a O.)
This green button here gives the Masked Piester a VERY strong urge to throw a pie in EVERYBODY ON THE SHIP'S FACE MULTIPLE TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! INCLUDING HIS OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This blue one shoots rotten fish covered in spoiled milk into everyone's face to attempt to poke people's eyes out and slap their cheeks.
The purple one does both at the same time.
I really hope it works.
(November 6, 2014 - 10:18 pm)
BLASTER: HAY! PIESTER IS A HER!! NOT A HIM! Hruph!
Piester:Yeah! You tell'er Blast!
BLASTER: Lets go cream people!
Piester: Woopie! Okay!
Fluffy says: gicv! Give? Do you want all the devices everyone has?
Ps. Hiya Admins! And thank you for reading on and on, and on, about our crazyness!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
~Winter Firefly, THE BLASTER!!!!!!!
(November 7, 2014 - 10:03 am)
~Curio~
Dinner time.
And you know what that means, right?
Good. I thought you did. Of course it means all-out chaos! Not for the first time, and it won't be the last!
I have taken a shower to wash off such things as pie filling, pseudo-apple juice, and stray scraps of straw. Now dressed again, I am rather surprised to see a paper airplane come whizzing into my room as if one of the dragons on the wallpaper had coughed it up. I unfold it, to reveal a note:
"You are expected at dinner in the Great Lounge of Cardboard Insanity at six o'clock. If you try to eat the chocolate herrings, please be prepared for several green elephants and all manner of argyle clothing to appear out of nowhere.
You have been warned.
-The Ominous"
I poke my head out the door to see if anyone else got a similar note. Apparently CaptainRead, Amy L., and Brookeira had the same idea! Only Brookeira is poking her head out of MapleSyurp's room. And...wait a sec, is that an iguana in a birthday hat? Relieving itself all over my dragon-themed upholstery?! Suddenly the entire room is doused in an ethereal multicolored fluid I recognize as Improbability. When I stop seeing spots from the conundrum of colors, the iguana is gone, my room has been redecorated in blue dragons (instead of red ones), and all the iguana's...ah..."business" is glowing bright pink. I turn my attention back out the door, only to be nearly decapitated by a flying Snuggles. I notice Brookeira's head sticking out of Bookbug's room, which is odd since I never saw her leave Maple's.
Quite abruptly, a loud bonging noise resounds throughout the Tiny. Everyone rushes out of their rooms, picking arbitrary directions to run in the desperate hope of getting to the Great Lounge of Cardboard Insanity before the clock (wherever the clock may be) finishes striking six. I dash down hallways, around corners, past the Captchas' door, up an escalator marked "DOWN," down something very much like a playground slide, and through a pentagonal door...only to appear, breathing hard, in the Lounge! At exactly the same moment as all the other CBers! Doors line the huge, oblong room. Every single one has a person in front of it. There are the CBers, plus The Ominous, Glennis (holding a vacuum cleaner upside-down and grinning maniacally), and Aldo, carrying out two large platters heaped high with food.
I look around, wondering where there is to sit. For there is no furniture, per se, in the Great Lounge of Cardboard Insanity. Instead, the room is littered with constructions, contraptions, and contrivations, much resembling modern sculpture, all of which are made of corrugated cardboard. I finally realize how Brookeira was able to be so noncontinuous earlier; she's carrying a staff, runescribed and capped with a crystalline diamond, that glows a faint ice blue. I find a cardboard something that could actually be comfortable, and settle down in it. The Ominous obviously doesn't mind. Most of the other CBers, as well as he himself, are doing it as well.
Dinner is an understandably chaotic affair. Squeak has been transformed into a rainbow unicorn (at least I think it's Squeak), and is disgruntledly eating chocolate-covered carrots. Maple has the tallest stack of pancakes I've ever seen, and is consuming them with gusto. A full-on Mountain Dew fight is going on between Indigo, John F.Q., Danie, and Winter Firefly, who has unexpectedly morphed into the Blaster. George is having his work cut out for him, trying to physically hold Bookbug and Everinne back from running to the library with their food. Brookeira and Magic Dragon are comparing spells over matching bowls of medieval-style beef stew. Interested, I decide to join them, wishing I had something magical to offer myself. Oh, wait, I do! Really, how could I forget? There's another dragon in the discussion already, but every dragon's magic is different. (And besides, I do a terrific arcane sight.)
(November 7, 2014 - 1:12 pm)
TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP
(November 8, 2014 - 4:22 pm)
I lay under the table, prep talking my fellow soilders.
"WE ARE FIGHTERS. WE ARE PIE-THROWERS. WE LOVE MOUNTAIN DEW! WE MUST FIGHT FOR WHAT'S RIGHT! TOS MUST WIN! WE MUST DESTROY THE ENEMY, AND BRING BACK MOUNTAIN DEWWW! WHO'S WITH ME?" All my soilders raise their hands and say, "THIS IS OUR SODAAA!" We charge out of the table, throwing pies at the cook and kicking chairs. "WINTER, JUMP ON MD! MP, THROW PIES AT CD! INDIGO, JUMP ONTO GEORGE! WE MUST HAVE THE MOUNTAIN DEWW!" I screech. Squeak neighs and kicks chocolate carrots at me. "YOU TRAITOR, SQUEAK!" I scream once more.
"I NEED REVENGE!" Squeak snorts.
(November 9, 2014 - 3:22 pm)
" YES MA'AM, " I yell, saluting, and tackle George.
(November 9, 2014 - 11:31 pm)
Randomly sends blast of ice at Squeak.
Bkra: He's all yours, Danie!
(Grabs beef stew and runs for library, grabbing random LOTR related books.)
(November 10, 2014 - 8:46 am)
(November 10, 2014 - 3:24 pm)