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RMS Humbug and
RMS Humbug and RMS Tiny Invite You To Their Maiden Voyages!
On September 22, a day that looks, smells, and tastes like any other day – which, for that matter, it probably is – an “ordinary” person much like yourself (maybe even yourself?) finds in the back of their cupboard a five-year-old mayonnaise jar. The nutrition facts label reads as follows:
Vitamin B12 – 2%
Vitamin Z564 – 26%
You, random but lucky person, are invited to the maiden voyages of the RMS Tiny and the RMS Humbug, two cruise ships belonging to the Ridiculous Management of Seagoers (RMS) Company! Isn't that awesome? It starts on October 10, so you have lots of time to pack! Isn't that even awesomer! And it's completely FREE*! Please RSVP by October 5. Anyone who wishes to join after October 5th but before October 10 has a lot less chance of making it onto the ship on time. Anyone attempting to board the ship after October 10 will find that the ship has already left, and I am afraid that under no circumstances can we pick up latecomers.
Cheesiness – 41%
Corniness - 22%
Good Old Random Humour – 5555555555%
Logic - (-111%)
Vitamin A+ - 4.67%
The person squints to read the fine print (the finest print they've ever seen) at the bottom of the label:
*This may or may not include certain expenses, including but not limited to: food, accommodation, extreme trauma counselors, staff, my new billion-dollar fridge, etc. NOTE: Some of these expenses may seem entirely unrelated to the subject at hand, but let me assure you that, when viewed from a holistic point of view, they are all completely necessary.
-Your Future Captain,
The Ominous
ANOTHER NOTE: Any complaints, questions, forwarded expenses, or wishes to sue may all be sent to John F.Q. and CaptainRead of the Cricket Chatterbox!
ANOTHER NOTE: We here at RMS Co. believe that there are two possible reasons why the Titanic sank. One is that it had such a huge, grand name that the sea serpents got angry and told the iceburgers to “let 'em have it broadside!”. Of course, as you all know, iceburgers don't have very good aim, so instead of “having it broadside”, the Titanic was rammed from the front, causing the deaths of millions. The other is that everyone thought it was unsinkable, and so we all jinxed it and of course it just had to sink after that. This is why we have built the RMS Tiny and the RMS Humbug. The former ship will be completely unsinkable because of its unassuming name, and the latter will be a test to see if we were right. The RMS Humbug has been equipped with all the sorts of things that superstitious sailors think contribute to the angering of sea serpents and the sinking of ships, and it will probably be sunk almost immediately.
AND ANOTHER NOTE: When everyone has boarded the RMS Tiny (no one will want to go on the RMS Humbug, we are certain), their names will inexplicably appear in Pandora's Fedora, owned by your captain, The Ominous (that's me!). A “murderer” will be drawn out of it, and the game will begin! From then on, those whose names are drawn out of Pandora's Fedora will “disappear”, unfortunate “victims” to the will of the hat.
YET ANOTHER TEDIOUS NOTE: This was inspired by T.O.N.'s Ski Lodge Murder Mysteries(TM), and we here at RMS Co. sincerely hope that it is different enough to avoid any copyright issues. To be sure of this, there is a rather severe plot twist that we can't tell you a single thing about. We will not use the Ski Lodge, nor any of the characters from it, and we will attempt to use our own style of writing, no matter how much we may be unconsciously influenced into doing otherwise because of the sheer awesomeness of the Ski Lodge. "Days" will be written whenever possible during the busy schedule of The Ominous, and you can hope to expect from one to three of them per week. Everyone who signs up may post their view of the "day," but please wait until you've read whatever The Ominous has written before doing so, and because of the severe yet unknowable plot twist, your memories will be wiped once you die, so there are unfortunately no ghosts. If you really want to, dreams or hallucinations are allowed.
The person snorts dismissively. “Some silly, outdated advertisement or conspiracy meant to get more people to eat mayonnaise! Well, it certainly didn't work very well...” They think, staring at the uneaten mayonnaise jar for a few seconds, and then throwing it over their shoulder into a garbage can and inadvertently causing a snowstorm in Italy.
DINGALING! DINGALING! The phone rings. You pick it up, wrenching your gaze from the scattered tea leaves in front of you that had just produced the story above. “Hello?”
“Good evening. This is Super Mayonnaise Incorporated, business partner with RMS Co. We have been looking through our records, and it has come to our inattention that the five-year-old mayonnaise jar you just now allegedly threw over your shoulder was never sold, stolen, or even brought into existence in the first place. It does not exist, and neither does your house, no matter how real it may appear. Furthermore, you do not exist. We deny everything, and have lawsuits in place to make sure you do not claim otherwise. In fact, I am talking to thin air right now, because you do not exist. Neither does your telephone. Goodbye, thin air, and thank you for your co-operation.”
Before you can speak, the line goes dead. Now thoroughly mystified, you decide to thwart reason and pack your bags to wherever it was that the ships were supposed to leave from. Not that there had been a location mentioned anywhere in the story your tea leaves just told you, but you still think you have an idea of where to go. You hope.
submitted by The Ominous, age unknown, mysterious
(September 22, 2014 - 7:25 pm)
(September 22, 2014 - 7:25 pm)
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(January 2, 2015 - 7:31 am)
(January 3, 2015 - 1:23 am)
Ominous, when will be the next episode?
(January 6, 2015 - 12:30 am)
Hmm...I don't know. How about right now? We here at RMS Co. have been working on several different days at once, so this one is shortish and written in a more abbreviated style than usual (because it's written as if you're listening to it on the radio, none of you CBers are incorporated, but that will be remedied in the next Day, we assure you), but we hope you like it anyways:
This is a special (six-day-late) New Year's Edition! Glennis called up the RMS Tiny Radio News Team, and asked for an extra-cheery double-dosage high-caffein cheesy cake on rye (she might have been a tiny bit confused about who she was calling), and, unfortunately, the News Team – complete with Larry, his friend Larry, and his cousin Larry, has responded accordingly. Please excuse me as I hide my head under a pillow.
-The Ominous
“Hello, listeners! Welcome to the New Year! Today, we're going to do something unheard of! We'll be interviewing all of your friends and acquaintances from the last year! Remember that cake you ate all yourself when no one was looking? You know the one! It was chocolate, with raspberry sprinkles. Well, even if you don't remember that – and I'm sure you do, you're just not admitting it – you'll be happy to hear that we'll be interviewing it! We'll also interview those irresistibly cute dustbunnies languishing in the dark recesses under your bed, and ask them special high-definition questions like what dust tastes like, whether they'd like to eat your ankles, and what they think of living under the dark and somewhat creepy bed of a gigantic giant! Won't that be fun? And now, without further ado, lets get started! Larry, phone up the first interviewee!”
Bring! Bring! Beep boop beep!!! Beeepity boopity! High-definition phone call in process!! Boop beep bring!!! Hurry up and pick up the phone!!! Beeep! Bring! Bring!
“Hello? This is Larry, from the RMS Tiny News Team, is anybody there? What's that, you say you're too busy being eaten? That's too bad, but are you sure you don't have time for an interview? No? What a pity. Goodbye!”
“Oh, the mic is still on! That was John F.Q. He said he was...er...busy! Let's phone the next interviewee!”
First order initiated! Cancel annoying ring tone! Bring! Bring! Processing! Processing! High-definition phone call in process! Bring! High-definition phone call complete! Thank you for your time! Bring!
“Hello? Glennis? It's Larry. Yes, I'd love it if you would come over here and do a bit of cleaning! Yes, bring pizza! And purple socks please, preferably with red herrings on them! We might even interview you, if you're lucky!”
“While we're waiting for Glennis, we'll interview some of the dustbunnies under Larry's bed! Dustbunnies, how do feel?”
“I'm Dusty the dustbunny, and I'm honoured to be on such a grandly humungous radio show! What was the question again?”
“How do you feel?”
“Dusty. In fact, I think I might be coming down with a dust-fever. A-A-CHOOO!”
“My my, you've sneezed dust into my face! What a welcoming way to greet an interviewer! In fact, I think there's some dust in my nose! A-A-CHOO!”
“A-A-CHOO!”
“Please excuse us while we have a sneezing party! A-A-CHOO!”
*several minutes later*
“A-A-CHOO!”
*Glennis enters*
“Hello, I brought pizza! I couldn't find any purple soc--” *Glennis gasps, and the pizza falls to the floor in slow-motion* “There's a bit of dust on your nose!”
“How observant of you, Glennis! I --”
*loud car-revving noises as Glennis turns on the vacuum cleaner* “I. Don't. Like. Dust!”
“Aaaaaah!” *Larry screams happily and over-excitedly*
“Run for the hills, fellow dustbunnies! We must preserve our fragile, dusty selves!”
“Wait, I need to ask you some questions! I'm supposed to be interviewing you! Is it true that dustbunnies are plotting to take over the world?”
“Now why would I tell you the answer to that? Hurry, comrades, to the vacuum-proof fortress!” *dustbunnies scatter before Glennis's vacuum*
*a penguin pops into existent, handing out party hats*
“Hello penguin! I'm Larry, the interviewer! What's your name? Can I interview you? Please please pleeeeaaaase?”
“If you want to. My name is Rodriguez. You can call me Roddy-boy-candy-cane-cutie-pie if you want.”
“How...interesting! What ---” *Larry's microphone is sucked into Glennis's vacuum*
*static noise*
*exactly 42 seconds later*
“Answer this riddle for me, Larry! What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?”
“I have absolutely no idea! Now that we've gotten our microphone out of Glennis's vacuum and survived the vacuum ourselves, we should probably end our report and special interview for the day. Would you do the honours, Larry?”
“Sure, Larry! To finish up this strange, short, and randomly irregular day, I need to tell you that John F.Q. and one innocent Captcha were mixed, beaten, and whipped into that delicious chocolate cake with raspberry sprinkles that we mentioned earlier. We tried to reach them over the phone, but they were being slowly digested by yourself, and were unavailable for comment. The Captcha will be dearly missed. Rest In Peace, Gary the Captcha, Rest in Peace.”
Are they gone? Oh good. Remind me to fire Glennis sometime soon, or else fix the address book by replacing all the phone numbers with recipes for roast dragon. Ah yes, and I nearly forgot: Until the next Day is available, you may ask any of the staff members or non-CB characters any questions you like, and they will answer as well as they can. I will be moderating their answers...
-The Ominous
(January 6, 2015 - 11:40 pm)
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(January 8, 2015 - 7:47 am)
TOP!
(January 11, 2015 - 10:46 am)
Wow. That was one very intense radio...session, I guess.
Anyways, I was just wondering- Ominous, were you born, or did you just condensate from mysteriousness in its pure gaseous form?
(January 11, 2015 - 5:04 pm)
Neither.
I've forgotten how to explain it myself, so I stole some lyrics and made them fit:
The Ominous was a miasma
Of incandescent plasma
He's not simply condensated from gas
No, no, no
The Ominous is a quagmire
He's mysteriousness in fibre
Forget what you've been told in the past
(Plasma!) Randomness flies free
(Plasma!) A mysterious state
Not gas, not liquid, not solid
Just pure mysteriousness
That's what he condensated from!
*coughs* My singing voice isn't very good, but you get the idea. I'm also quantum-locked, but I've forgotten where I hid the key.
-The Ominous
(January 13, 2015 - 9:25 am)
I see. What kind of key exactly fits into a quantum lock?If I'm bothering you, no need to answer. People say I'm too curious for a teenager.
(January 16, 2015 - 5:22 pm)
Curiosity has killed cats, apparently, but I've never heard of it being harmful to a teenager!
It's a quantum key, which means that it only exists when you look at it, and it doesn't always look the same every time it exists. The last time I saw it it was a green sofa. If you find it, would you return it to me please?
Any more questions? Am I not mysterious enough? Are the staff not suspicious enough? If there aren't any more questions by the day after tomorrow (the 20th), then I'll post the next day.
(January 18, 2015 - 8:35 pm)
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(January 19, 2015 - 8:53 am)
I see it! I see it! The key, it's right there on-
Never mind, that's just a sock that has a mold problem with a mind of its own. And is slowly crawling towards me.
(January 22, 2015 - 5:09 pm)
Pray tell, how is the ominous today?
You say he hasn't been seen for several days?
What a pity, what a pity.
Cheerio to you as well!
(under his breath) Buffoon...
(January 26, 2015 - 4:20 pm)
Oh man, TTTTOOOOOPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!! Poke kick top! C'mon Blaster, grab some Mentos and Coke! We can make a soda rocket to get this thread up TOP!
Koda says ftuk. Good idea; we can tuck in some gloop as a toppifying afterburner!
(January 27, 2015 - 2:13 pm)
Will Mountain Dew work? I have A LOT! *hands you five packs of Mentos and five Jumbo MDs*
(January 27, 2015 - 5:23 pm)