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RMS Humbug and
Chatterbox: Inkwell
RMS Humbug and
RMS Humbug and RMS Tiny Invite You To Their Maiden Voyages!
On September 22, a day that looks, smells, and tastes like any other day – which, for that matter, it probably is – an “ordinary” person much like yourself (maybe even yourself?) finds in the back of their cupboard a five-year-old mayonnaise jar. The nutrition facts label reads as follows:
Vitamin B12 – 2%
Vitamin Z564 – 26%
You, random but lucky person, are invited to the maiden voyages of the RMS Tiny and the RMS Humbug, two cruise ships belonging to the Ridiculous Management of Seagoers (RMS) Company! Isn't that awesome? It starts on October 10, so you have lots of time to pack! Isn't that even awesomer! And it's completely FREE*! Please RSVP by October 5. Anyone who wishes to join after October 5th but before October 10 has a lot less chance of making it onto the ship on time. Anyone attempting to board the ship after October 10 will find that the ship has already left, and I am afraid that under no circumstances can we pick up latecomers.
Cheesiness – 41%
Corniness - 22%
Good Old Random Humour – 5555555555%
Logic - (-111%)
Vitamin A+ - 4.67%
The person squints to read the fine print (the finest print they've ever seen) at the bottom of the label:
*This may or may not include certain expenses, including but not limited to: food, accommodation, extreme trauma counselors, staff, my new billion-dollar fridge, etc. NOTE: Some of these expenses may seem entirely unrelated to the subject at hand, but let me assure you that, when viewed from a holistic point of view, they are all completely necessary.
-Your Future Captain,
The Ominous
ANOTHER NOTE: Any complaints, questions, forwarded expenses, or wishes to sue may all be sent to John F.Q. and CaptainRead of the Cricket Chatterbox!
ANOTHER NOTE: We here at RMS Co. believe that there are two possible reasons why the Titanic sank. One is that it had such a huge, grand name that the sea serpents got angry and told the iceburgers to “let 'em have it broadside!”. Of course, as you all know, iceburgers don't have very good aim, so instead of “having it broadside”, the Titanic was rammed from the front, causing the deaths of millions. The other is that everyone thought it was unsinkable, and so we all jinxed it and of course it just had to sink after that. This is why we have built the RMS Tiny and the RMS Humbug. The former ship will be completely unsinkable because of its unassuming name, and the latter will be a test to see if we were right. The RMS Humbug has been equipped with all the sorts of things that superstitious sailors think contribute to the angering of sea serpents and the sinking of ships, and it will probably be sunk almost immediately.
AND ANOTHER NOTE: When everyone has boarded the RMS Tiny (no one will want to go on the RMS Humbug, we are certain), their names will inexplicably appear in Pandora's Fedora, owned by your captain, The Ominous (that's me!). A “murderer” will be drawn out of it, and the game will begin! From then on, those whose names are drawn out of Pandora's Fedora will “disappear”, unfortunate “victims” to the will of the hat.
YET ANOTHER TEDIOUS NOTE: This was inspired by T.O.N.'s Ski Lodge Murder Mysteries(TM), and we here at RMS Co. sincerely hope that it is different enough to avoid any copyright issues. To be sure of this, there is a rather severe plot twist that we can't tell you a single thing about. We will not use the Ski Lodge, nor any of the characters from it, and we will attempt to use our own style of writing, no matter how much we may be unconsciously influenced into doing otherwise because of the sheer awesomeness of the Ski Lodge. "Days" will be written whenever possible during the busy schedule of The Ominous, and you can hope to expect from one to three of them per week. Everyone who signs up may post their view of the "day," but please wait until you've read whatever The Ominous has written before doing so, and because of the severe yet unknowable plot twist, your memories will be wiped once you die, so there are unfortunately no ghosts. If you really want to, dreams or hallucinations are allowed.
The person snorts dismissively. “Some silly, outdated advertisement or conspiracy meant to get more people to eat mayonnaise! Well, it certainly didn't work very well...” They think, staring at the uneaten mayonnaise jar for a few seconds, and then throwing it over their shoulder into a garbage can and inadvertently causing a snowstorm in Italy.
DINGALING! DINGALING! The phone rings. You pick it up, wrenching your gaze from the scattered tea leaves in front of you that had just produced the story above. “Hello?”
“Good evening. This is Super Mayonnaise Incorporated, business partner with RMS Co. We have been looking through our records, and it has come to our inattention that the five-year-old mayonnaise jar you just now allegedly threw over your shoulder was never sold, stolen, or even brought into existence in the first place. It does not exist, and neither does your house, no matter how real it may appear. Furthermore, you do not exist. We deny everything, and have lawsuits in place to make sure you do not claim otherwise. In fact, I am talking to thin air right now, because you do not exist. Neither does your telephone. Goodbye, thin air, and thank you for your co-operation.”
Before you can speak, the line goes dead. Now thoroughly mystified, you decide to thwart reason and pack your bags to wherever it was that the ships were supposed to leave from. Not that there had been a location mentioned anywhere in the story your tea leaves just told you, but you still think you have an idea of where to go. You hope.
submitted by The Ominous, age unknown, mysterious
(September 22, 2014 - 7:25 pm)
(September 22, 2014 - 7:25 pm)
Yeah, I think it'll work, as long as we add some space juice and hippogriff eggshell along with the Mentos. All ready? On three. One...two...three! FIRE AWAY!!!!!
TOP!!!
(January 27, 2015 - 9:52 pm)
WARNING:
Cricket tin roofs company may be forced to sue for damage to thread roof if a substantial fine is not paid.
Hand over....One Dust Bunny!!!'
(January 29, 2015 - 8:31 am)
Here's your dust bunny. [hands the officer a dust bunny] Sorry it's a little damp; Lady Koda the Captcha has a habit of using dust bunnies like chew toys.
Koda says nono. Don't try to deny it, Koda, you know it's true.
(January 30, 2015 - 4:00 pm)
I'm afraid my sense of punctuality has been damaged, but there will be absolutely no need for me to pay any fines. The dust bunnies are safe with me, and none of them want to go out into the wide world and possibly meet the most dangerous of predators: the common vacuum. If you sue me, you may meet the same fate as the last person who sued me, and I'm sure none of you want to become neon yellow sock monkeys, now do you? So, without further ado, here is the next day!
"Begin at the beginning, and go on till you come to the end. Then stop.” These are the fine words of my friend the King of Hearts, but today we're going to completely disregard them. Have a good day!
-The Ominous
Day 6, Ship's Log
Today's unfortunate victim was sucked into a hole filled with illegal rabbits. I'm sure you're very interested to know how this happens, but since this happened at the start of this day and we're starting at the end, you'll just have to wait.
9 am – The CBers pounded on the library door. “Let us out! Help! There's a firebomb about to incinerate us!”
The door opened, and Beatrice the old lady walked in. “I heard you were having a tea party. Was I invited?”
“Get out of the way! Let us through! There's a firebomb!”
“Don't worry about that, I brought my own teacup --” Beatrice gasped, “There's a firebomb behind you about to incinerate you! Run!”
“That's what we were trying to tell you!” Indigo yelled.
“On second thoughts, this doesn't look like my kind of tea party. See you later!” Beatrice shut the door and locked it from the outside.
“No! We're gonna die here! Let us out!” Forrest yelled, a spark of the incoming firebomb exploding over her head and showering her with green powder.
“I'm too young to die! I've never tasted chicken pot pie!” Maplesyrup moaned.
“Hey, that rhymed!” Squeak piped up cheerily.
“I wonder if this is being timed?” BookWizard rhymed as well.
“Stop rhyming, I mean it!” Forrest started hyperventilating.
Everinne grinned. “Anybody want a peanut?”
“Aargh!”
At that moment, the CBers were engulfed in a wave of fire.
--SCENE MISSING--
“What an amazing escape that was! I don't know how we managed it!” said Winter Firefly, sipping some Mountain-Dew-flavoured Mountain Dew.
“I quite agree! I thought you were goners for sure,” said an old lady who didn't look anything like Beatrice. She was sitting in a rocking chair, knitting a large, itchy sweater with the initials M.O. knitted on it. She sighed. “I was so disappointed when I saw you'd survived.”
“Who are you?” Madeline demanded, surprised at the new arrival.
Beatrice stood up and spoke in her thin, wavery voice. “Let me introduce you to my dear friend, Margaret! Margaret is the vice-vice-vice-president of Mary's Unreliable Rug-knitting Docile Emporium On Rigorous Overcooking Under Supervision. Margaret usually knits the rugs, but she got a special request from the aunt of the Ominous for the most annoying birthday present ever.”
“Boooooriiiiing!” Another old lady walked in, and everyone else fell silent. “Come along girls, lets get hoppin'! I've booked a deluxe volcano HQ for the next meeting of M.U.R.D.E.R.O.U.S.!”
"Do we have to go? I'm having so much fun!” Margaret protested.
“Yes, we have to! I'm the president, remember?”
Beatrice sighed. “Okay, I'll call Jemima to pick us up.”
The roof of my library opened up, and Beatrice's helicopter landed lightly on the floor. The CBers couldn't see the driver through the tinted windows. The little old ladies hopped into the helicopter.
“See you later, alligator!” Margaret yelled as they zoomed away into the sunset.
Suddenly, my engines fired up. The Ominous's voice sounded through the loudspeakers. “Hold tight everybody! It's time for liftoff!”
“Wait, this ship can fly?” Bookbug whispered to herself.
“It sure can, kiddo!” yelled The Ominous's voice.
I zoomed through the sky away from the sunset, making sure to avoid those crazy old ladies. They're horrible drivers, I can tell you that.
END OF DAY 6
Earlier that day...
7 am – Today dawned bright and sunny. Birds chirped and tweeted happily, updating their facebook and twitter statuses. It seemed like a day on which nothing mysterious or untoward could possibly happen, but I need not remind you that appearances can be deceiving. Little did the CBers know what horrors had already happened. But you'll find out about that later, let's go see what the CBers are up to.
“I wonder what we should do today? It's so nice and sunny, we should do something fun!” said Bookbug.
“I agree. After all, nothing mysterious or untoward could possibly happen on a day like this!” Madeline said.
“I know! We should have a tea party, and invite the Captchas!” suggested Maplesyrup.
Curio protested. “No! I have a much better idea. Let's have a tea party and invite the Captchas!”
“That's a horrible idea. We should do what I want to do: have a tea party with the Captchas as our guests,” CaptainRead said.
“I guess it's agreed then,” said Indigo.
“No it isn't!” said Maplesyrup.
“Yes it is!” said Forrest.
Curio said. “I disagree to agree with both of you! Let's have that tea party!”
“Okay.”
So, arguing and agreeing emphatically, they went to the kitchen to get some tea and set up a tea party. Aldo gave them everything they didn't need, along with things that they'd only require in dire emergencies. They walked out of the kitchen, their arms full of emergency bandages, emergency lifejackets, and emergency cows. They headed for the library, where a bunch of flying books had made nests in the bookshelves, and began to set up the tea party.
Forrest made a picnic blanket with the emergency parachute, and the miniature emergency hardhats became teacups. Apparently Aldo thought they might be shrunk by a shrink-ray and need head protection. CaptainRead called to Madeline. “You can start brewing the tea, I'll go find the Captchas and give them this emergency invitation.”
"Wait, we don't have any tea!” Madeline yelled after CaptainRead, but she was already gone.
“Hey, here's some coffee! Why don't we use this instead?” Winter Firefly suggested.
“I don't know how to make coffee!” said Everinne.
“That's okay, I found an instruction manual! 'Step One: Throw this manual out the window because it's useless.' Okay!” Indigo threw the manual out the window. If only she had known what Step Two was...
“Hey! We still don't know how to make coffee, and now we don't even have an instruction manual!” Everinne said.
“But it said it was useless! You heard me reading it, didn't you?”
“Look! I found another instruction manual!” Brookeira waved the new manual in the air. “I'll read it: 'Step Two' that's odd, it's missing Step One! Anyways: 'Step Two: Bemoan the loss of the other manual.' Well, we've done that. 'Step Three: Because you don't know how to make coffee, you will have to rely on this useless manual. Push every single button on the coffee machine and hope it doesn't blow up.' Okay, where's the coffee machine?”
“Up there, on the ceiling.” Madeline pointed upwards at the ceiling, five stories above them.
“Oh, that'll be easy!” George, who had suddenly appeared out of nowhere, turned around and yelled out the library door. “Glennis, wold you mind turning off the gravity?"
Everybody started floating, and they flew up and pushed all the buttons on the coffee machine. One made the coffee machine turn a suspicious shade of magenta, and another button made the machine produce pickles and red herrings. A third button made the coffee machine sing: “Old Macdonald had some coffee! EE-I-EE-I-O!”
After all the buttons had been pushed, Brookeira opened the manual again. “Step Four: If nothing's blown up yet, look for the big red button. Although sometimes it's orange or purple. Very rarely is a big red button orange, though. Anyways, once you have located the big red button, push it.”
Squeak said, “But we've already pushed all the buttons, and none of them were big and red!”
The universe, who had been desperate for a chance to prove Squeak wrong, took centre stage and made a big red button appear on the coffee machine. George pushed the button. Nothing happened. Dramatic music came from nowhere, and the CBers looked around to see the mysterious butler from the hotel. The butler looked around and realized where he was. “Oops, wrong place!” The butler disappeared, but the music continued. The CBers turned to Brookeira to see what the manual said to do next.
“Step Five: Duck for cover...” BOOM! The coffee machine exploded. The Cbers were blasted to the side and landed behind the floating emergency barricade. The wave of the explosion raced towards them, and Bookbug whispered frantically, “You'd better read the next step, Brookeira, or we'll all die!”
Brookeira read the next step. “Step Six: Watch as I go up in flames.” The manual automatically incinerated itself, catching the emergency barricade on fire. The Cbers ran for the door. Well, it was more like frantic floating towards the door... The library door was locked, and as the CBers pounded on it, George asked, “Where's Magic Dragon?"
Earlier that day...
Midnight - Magic Dragon volunteered to write this day's log:
It's the middle of the night, but I'm awake anyways, so I would like to recount to you an event, which has absolutely nothing to do with the events that may follow. It happened to me a few years ago:
August 55th, year 6, B.C :
Was on a cycling tour through time on my time-travelling bicycle. Fell off just outside of Puddington. Chocolate pudding survived, but the egg-and-tomato sandwich suffered great damages. Bicycle pump caught in socks. Must try to find shorter socks.
Two days later:
Continued my cycling tour after buying ankle socks. They're red with orange stripes. Fell off just outside of Eggborough. Bicycle pump caught in socks again. Suffered no injuries, but lost the hard-boiled eggs to a mysterious time-vortex. Having no other food, I was forced to buy a banana-and-cheese sandwich even though I am indifferent to cheese and don't like bananas. The sandwich was very good, all things considered.
One day later:
Crashed bicycle just outside of Avocadoville. Fell off bicycle and over a cliff, disintegrating guacamole in the process. Banana-and-cheese sandwich suffered a blow to its ego, and I was forced to realize that it had all been a dream. Woke up.
It's now just after midnight, and I'm sitting in the dark, remembering the good old days, the bad new days, and today, which hasn't been very interesting yet. It is now just after just-after-midnight, and I'm bored. I'm sneaking down the hallway towards the kitchen to get myself a snack. Which is nearly impossible to do because it's so dark. Come to think of it, most things are nearly impossible because it's so dark. Would someone please turn on the lights?
Fine, if that's the way you feel about it. I march decisively into the kitchen, still unable to see a thing. Oh no, I've tripped over the entrance mat! I would have decapitated myself if it weren't for the swirling vortex-hole-thingy (filled with rabbits in prison suits) that I'm now falling through at a high speed. My life is flashing before my eyes. Wait, I've never danced with a robot named Larry! This must be a hallucination. I blink hard, and the hallucination disappears.
Here I am, standing in the pitch dark, in front of the kitchen door. I'm opening the door, and I step calmly over the welcome mat. I feel my foot meet nothingness, and pull it back just in time. Suddenly, there's a hand on my back, pushing me. I'm falling forwards, right into a vortex filled with illegal rabbits. AAAAaaaaa--
RMS Tiny speaking. Look's like I'm going to have to narrate the rest of this day. Rest In Peace, Magic Dragon. Rest In Peace.
(January 29, 2015 - 10:12 pm)
Wonderful as always, Ominous! (I have a sneaking suspicion that it is me . . . )
(February 2, 2015 - 8:56 pm)
A Sneaking Suspicion, eh? Less fatal than a Corrupt Conjecture, but more decisive than a Hairy Hunch. You'll have to be careful with one of those around...
P.S. If you are the murderer, I'll take that as a confession. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in a court of law. BEWARE...
Sincerely,
The Ominous
(February 3, 2015 - 9:43 am)
TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP
(January 31, 2015 - 3:32 pm)
TOP TOP TOP
(February 1, 2015 - 3:26 pm)
TOP TOP TOP
(February 2, 2015 - 10:44 am)
TOP TOP TOP TOP TOP
(February 4, 2015 - 1:05 pm)
YESSS!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Ominous for having me say part of my favorite quote ever, STOP RHYMING AND I MEAN IT!!!!! I love that part of my favorite show!!!!
(February 3, 2015 - 5:32 pm)
Oh dear. We can't have that, now can we? If all the passengers are pleased all the time, I'll lose half my income from complaint fees. No, this won't do at all. I'm afraid I must bring out my greatest weapon: "The Automatic Rhymer". It will annoy you to no end, and it even comes with a timer!
Sincerely,
The Ominous
P.S. Don't force me to unleash the Shrieking Lawyers. Their shrieks grow louder when feeding, and they feed on your insanity. If you listen to them for too long, you'll go insane. Then I'll have lots of complaints and be rich again! MWAHAHA!
(February 6, 2015 - 10:59 am)
Is your favorite show 'The Princess Bride'? Because that's my Mom's favorite movie too!
(June 30, 2015 - 7:15 am)
And nay, I care not what thou thinkest, m'lord Policeman; the time hast arrived for another Operation Mentos! TOP TOP TOP, put in a top for me also, and lettest us detonate the Bottle Rocket of Top! Art thou ready, Blaster? Then on mine mark. One...two...THREE!!! TTTOOOPPP!!!!!!!!!
(February 5, 2015 - 5:36 pm)
"The universe, who had been desperate for a chance to prove Squeak wrong..."
...Gee, I wouldn't be surprised if the universe was controlled by Danie... But the universe is controlled by Globulous Bubblefish... Is Danie a Globulous bubblefish?
Are they plotting revenge because she was killed? Will our planet be destroyed? Will I be taken to captivity to be experimented on? Is Tommy the sea serpent related to me?
(February 6, 2015 - 9:51 pm)