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RMS Humbug and
Chatterbox: Inkwell
RMS Humbug and
RMS Humbug and RMS Tiny Invite You To Their Maiden Voyages!
On September 22, a day that looks, smells, and tastes like any other day – which, for that matter, it probably is – an “ordinary” person much like yourself (maybe even yourself?) finds in the back of their cupboard a five-year-old mayonnaise jar. The nutrition facts label reads as follows:
Vitamin B12 – 2%
Vitamin Z564 – 26%
You, random but lucky person, are invited to the maiden voyages of the RMS Tiny and the RMS Humbug, two cruise ships belonging to the Ridiculous Management of Seagoers (RMS) Company! Isn't that awesome? It starts on October 10, so you have lots of time to pack! Isn't that even awesomer! And it's completely FREE*! Please RSVP by October 5. Anyone who wishes to join after October 5th but before October 10 has a lot less chance of making it onto the ship on time. Anyone attempting to board the ship after October 10 will find that the ship has already left, and I am afraid that under no circumstances can we pick up latecomers.
Cheesiness – 41%
Corniness - 22%
Good Old Random Humour – 5555555555%
Logic - (-111%)
Vitamin A+ - 4.67%
The person squints to read the fine print (the finest print they've ever seen) at the bottom of the label:
*This may or may not include certain expenses, including but not limited to: food, accommodation, extreme trauma counselors, staff, my new billion-dollar fridge, etc. NOTE: Some of these expenses may seem entirely unrelated to the subject at hand, but let me assure you that, when viewed from a holistic point of view, they are all completely necessary.
-Your Future Captain,
The Ominous
ANOTHER NOTE: Any complaints, questions, forwarded expenses, or wishes to sue may all be sent to John F.Q. and CaptainRead of the Cricket Chatterbox!
ANOTHER NOTE: We here at RMS Co. believe that there are two possible reasons why the Titanic sank. One is that it had such a huge, grand name that the sea serpents got angry and told the iceburgers to “let 'em have it broadside!”. Of course, as you all know, iceburgers don't have very good aim, so instead of “having it broadside”, the Titanic was rammed from the front, causing the deaths of millions. The other is that everyone thought it was unsinkable, and so we all jinxed it and of course it just had to sink after that. This is why we have built the RMS Tiny and the RMS Humbug. The former ship will be completely unsinkable because of its unassuming name, and the latter will be a test to see if we were right. The RMS Humbug has been equipped with all the sorts of things that superstitious sailors think contribute to the angering of sea serpents and the sinking of ships, and it will probably be sunk almost immediately.
AND ANOTHER NOTE: When everyone has boarded the RMS Tiny (no one will want to go on the RMS Humbug, we are certain), their names will inexplicably appear in Pandora's Fedora, owned by your captain, The Ominous (that's me!). A “murderer” will be drawn out of it, and the game will begin! From then on, those whose names are drawn out of Pandora's Fedora will “disappear”, unfortunate “victims” to the will of the hat.
YET ANOTHER TEDIOUS NOTE: This was inspired by T.O.N.'s Ski Lodge Murder Mysteries(TM), and we here at RMS Co. sincerely hope that it is different enough to avoid any copyright issues. To be sure of this, there is a rather severe plot twist that we can't tell you a single thing about. We will not use the Ski Lodge, nor any of the characters from it, and we will attempt to use our own style of writing, no matter how much we may be unconsciously influenced into doing otherwise because of the sheer awesomeness of the Ski Lodge. "Days" will be written whenever possible during the busy schedule of The Ominous, and you can hope to expect from one to three of them per week. Everyone who signs up may post their view of the "day," but please wait until you've read whatever The Ominous has written before doing so, and because of the severe yet unknowable plot twist, your memories will be wiped once you die, so there are unfortunately no ghosts. If you really want to, dreams or hallucinations are allowed.
The person snorts dismissively. “Some silly, outdated advertisement or conspiracy meant to get more people to eat mayonnaise! Well, it certainly didn't work very well...” They think, staring at the uneaten mayonnaise jar for a few seconds, and then throwing it over their shoulder into a garbage can and inadvertently causing a snowstorm in Italy.
DINGALING! DINGALING! The phone rings. You pick it up, wrenching your gaze from the scattered tea leaves in front of you that had just produced the story above. “Hello?”
“Good evening. This is Super Mayonnaise Incorporated, business partner with RMS Co. We have been looking through our records, and it has come to our inattention that the five-year-old mayonnaise jar you just now allegedly threw over your shoulder was never sold, stolen, or even brought into existence in the first place. It does not exist, and neither does your house, no matter how real it may appear. Furthermore, you do not exist. We deny everything, and have lawsuits in place to make sure you do not claim otherwise. In fact, I am talking to thin air right now, because you do not exist. Neither does your telephone. Goodbye, thin air, and thank you for your co-operation.”
Before you can speak, the line goes dead. Now thoroughly mystified, you decide to thwart reason and pack your bags to wherever it was that the ships were supposed to leave from. Not that there had been a location mentioned anywhere in the story your tea leaves just told you, but you still think you have an idea of where to go. You hope.
submitted by The Ominous, age unknown, mysterious
(September 22, 2014 - 7:25 pm)
(September 22, 2014 - 7:25 pm)
Here is the current list of passengers:
Indigo K.
CaptainRead
Maplesyrup
Madeline
Forrest
John F.Q.
Everinne
A Curious Dragon
Bookbug
Air
Squeak
Danie
BookWizard
Winter Firefly
Amy L.
Masked Piester
Magic Dragon
That's seventeen people! Since we're starting a tiny bit late (see my oh-so-convenient excuse above) any latecomers have until the end of today to sign up if they aren't on this list. The first day will be posted later today, but you won't board the ship until the next day (not necessarily posted tomorrow).
As your captain, it is my unpleasant duty to remind you all that I now have control over your lives until the end of this innocent "cruise", and I hope you're all ready, because you'll be on the RMS Tiny for a long, long time... *evil cackle* LET THE GAME BEGIN!
(October 11, 2014 - 1:11 pm)
Sorry about the late start, everyone. If you want an excuse, it's Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend and I've been busy visiting with relatives that I see maybe three times a year. As you will soon see, my usual style of writing is somewhat long-winded, but I'm figuring out a better (and quicker to write) style so the next day won't take so long to write!
Day 0 (part a)
It can hardly be coincidence that no language has ever produced the expression “as pretty as an airport”. No language has ever produced the expression “as pretty as a large and extremely expensive hotel” either, but that is beside the point. The hotel that Madeline gazed up at was indeed large and extremely expensive-looking. It would probably prove to be even more expensive once she went in, but there was no other way to escape the mob of rogue journalists that roved the town, as well as the drizzling rain.
Madeline walked up the large and expensive-looking front steps of the hotel and joined the two other CBers who were already there, standing under the sheltering overhang and debating whether to knock, ring the doorbell, or call the police for no apparent reason. “I'm not late, am I?”
Indigo, who was for some reason wearing a large sword at her side, turned around from examining the extremely strange and expensive-looking doorknocker hanging on the large and expensive-looking front door. “Not at all! You're one of the earlier ones, actually!”
Maplesyrup jumped up and down in excitement. “I can't wait! I hope this hotel isn't too expensive, though.”
Forrest walked up the steps, holding a newspaper over her head like an umbrella. The headline of the newspaper was: “Newspaper Headline: If You Use Me As An Umbrella, I Will Explode. (by Wonko the Sane)” As soon as Forrest stepped under the overhang at the top of the steps, the newspaper exploded into a mist of bright green powder. It looked like a mushroom had exploded on Forrest's hair.
A Curious Dragon, whom we shall now call Curio, suddenly popped into existence, spraying Forrest with more neon green powder. “Wow, Forrest! It looks like a mushroom just exploded on your hair!”
Forrest blinked the powder out of her eyes. “No kidding. The narrator just said –”
Before Forrest could finish her sentence, Everinne ran up the steps. “Hi everyone! I just thought of something; Indigo, someone could misread your name as Inigo, and then they could call you Inigo Montoya, you know, from The Princess Bride!"
CaptainRead suddenly jumped down from her perch on the roof of the overhang. “Avast! I challenge you, Inigo Montoya, to a duel!” She drew a broken curtain rod like a sword, and assumed a dramatic stance.
Indigo shrugged. “If you say so!” She flashed a grin, and pulled a blindingly sharp sword out of the scabbard at her belt.
Suddenly, Bookbug blinked onto the scene, a flash of purple and apple-filled light blinding the others on the steps. Wrenching her nose out of the book, she surveyed the imminent chaos of Indigo and CaptainRead's duel. She dropped her book – which hovered a few feet off the ground, safe from the dirt of the steps – and drew a banana out of a gun holster at her side and brandished it like a pistol. “Stop the duel! Or I'll shoot!”
Everyone stopped and stared, and then Curio jumped up, gesturing heroically. “Bookbug's right! For King and country!” Someone coughed. “Er...I mean, shouldn't we go in?”
Maplesyrup nodded emphatically, and turned to knock on the large and expensive-looking front door, but it was suddenly opened from the inside by a man with a waffle on his head. The man with the waffle on his head ran past the CBers, tumbled down the steps, and then turned to shake his fist at the still-open door. “I'll teach you to treat the King of Spain like this! We shall not stand for such goings-on in our hotels!”
A smaller man peeked his head around the door-frame, then withdrew it quickly and came running back out with a pot of maple syrup in his hands. He heaved it after the King of Spain, drenching the waffle. “That should sweeten your disposition!” he yelled in a squeaky voice. “And good riddance!” He walked back into the hotel and slammed the door shut behind him.
(October 12, 2014 - 12:11 pm)
Day 0 (part b)
The CBers blinked in surprise. Maplesyrup raised her hand once more to knock on the door, but it was opened again. A tall man smiled coolly down at them – no wait, it was the same small man from before, but he was on stilts, and he had on an elegant tweed suit. His hair was slicked back, and he wore spotless white gloves. The only way anyone could tell he was the same man was because of his nose. It was very...distinctive. “I apologize for any inconvenience. Please come in.” His voice was suddenly no longer squeaky, and had a refined British accent, because everyone knows British accents are refined.
He showed the CBers into the foyer of the hotel, where the first thing they noticed was a huge, tasteless, fake fireplace that filled up almost the whole of one wall. On each side of the fireplace stood large, fake stone statues of gargoyles, whose faces were twisted into smiles that seemed even more fake than themselves. If the statues were made of styrofoam, the smiles were made of fake styrofoam. Madeline winced.
In an attempt to save her eyes, Madeline's gaze finally fell upon a reception desk partially hidden behind a large potted plant. The potted plant looked fake. In fact, as Madeline looked closer, she thought that receptionist might be fake too. She decided she wouldn't put anything past this strange hotel. The receptionist blinked. Madeline almost jumped in surprise.
The rest of the Cbers were less surprised than Madeline at the blinking of the receptionist, and they all flooded through the foyer towards the receptionist's desk. Just before they got there, Squeak fell through the ceiling, grabbed at a fake-looking chandelier which immediately broke, and crashed to the floor, bouncing a couple times on an invisible trampoline that had suddenly appeared. Everyone froze, staring. Squeak jumped up and yelled, “WOOHOO! That was so much fun! Can I go again?”
He was cut off by Danie, who suddenly fell up through the floor, crashed into the ceiling, screamed in excitement, and caught hold of another even faker-looking chandelier before she could fall back to the floor. Everyone gasped. Danie swung from the chandelier, fifty feet off the floor, and held her breath as she heard the chandelier begin to creak in protest.
This respectable fake chandelier had hung from that ceiling for twenty years, calmly watching the ordinary goings-on below it, occasionally yelling at the gargoyles because they looked more fake than it, and generally having a good time. Now, someone was pulling it apart and threatening to break its plastic baubles into smaller, shattered plastic baubles, and it didn't like it one bit. The chandelier groaned, and Danie screamed.
The butler suddenly walked over to a huge organ in one corner of the foyer, donned a Beethoven wig, and pulled off his white gloves to reveal red gloves. DUN DUN DUUNNN! Phantom of the Opera music thundered around the room, and the chandelier decided it had had enough. Danie fell, screaming (in excitement this time), and bounced onto the same nonexistent trampoline Squeak had. Everyone started screaming, all for different reasons. Amidst this noise, a small tornado appeared beside one of the fake potted plants and Air appeared from within it, BookWizard fell down the fake chimney of the fake fireplace, and Amy was spat out of a thoroughly disgruntled wall into the now jungle-like foyer.
The receptionist barely blinked. Instead of blinking, she stood up calmly, fished around under the desk, brought out a bucket of frozen fish, and started throwing the fish into the chaos. People started calming down after that. After a few minutes of a silence that was almost as deafening as the previous noise, the receptionist spoke in a high-pitched, drawling voice. “If you want rooms here, you're going to have to line up so I can tell you the price.”
Everyone lined up.
“That will be $60,000. Plus $17,000 for your use of gravity and the breathing of our cultivated air,” the receptionist said primly. Air, who happened to be at the front of the line, spluttered. “What? That's crazy!”
Danie pushed Air out of the way and leaned on the receptionist's desk with a conspiratorial air. “How much would it be if we told you we were friends with The Ominous, captain of the RMS Tiny and the RMS Humbug?” She wiggled her eyebrows.
The receptionist opened a drawer and looked at a few files inside. After a long moment she looked up. “In that case, it will be double the price. Plus expenses, you know.”
CaptainRead declared, "Let's charge it to John F.Q.'s bank account! He's one of the few people who isn't here yet! I'm sure he won't mind." She grinned slyly, and brought out a chequebook with the letters "F.Q." engraved on it in gold.
Just then, a long black limo screeched through the front door of the hotel and skidded to a stop with an ear-piercing squeal. The door of the limo swung open, and John F.Q. poked his head out from behind it. The head returned to the depths of the car for a few seconds, and then came out again, this time adorned with a very rumpled Fedora.
In a blur of sudden movement, John F.Q. ran up, grabbed the chequebook, and zoomed back to stand beside his limo, surveying the foyer with his hands behind his back, looking as if he owned the place. The butler stood up and started to say something, but was interrupted by a loud, squawking, "NEVERMORE!" as an untidy-looking raven flapped up onto John F.Q.'s shoulder. The limo revved up and screamed away out the door, shattering it into pieces as the limo passed.
The butler coughed and announced, "That will be an extra $50,000 for the skid marks."
John F.Q. pulled a small plastic ring (engraved with the words "One ring to rule them all, and in the darkness pay them") off his finger and tossed it to the receptionist. "That should pay for everything."
The receptionist motioned to the butler. "Jeeves, you may show the guests to their rooms."
The butler frowned. "Oh no, I'm not Jeeves. I'm Carson, today."
"And...Who's that when he's at home?"
"You know, the third butler! Everyone follow me." The butler motioned for the CBers to follow him through a door, but he was suddenly hit in the face with a blue-mountain-dew-flavoured pie. The Masked Piester bounded through the door and declared, "I am the Masked Piester! Prepare to meet your pie! No wait, I mean, PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM! Gimme some Mountain Dew!"
No one had any Mountain Dew.
SPLAT! A green-powdered pie exploded in Forrest's hair. "Not again!"
SPLAT! A black pie filled with feathers hit John F.Q.'s raven.
SPLAT! A blueberry pie knocked Amy L. to the ground, where she landed on another nonexistent trampoline.
CRUNCH! A cherry-pink pie collided with a wall of ice, behind which Winter Firefly appeared in a small storm of glowing, blowing snowflakes. Or were they fireflies? No one could be sure. Hanging onto Winter's arms were two strange creatures, with name-tags attached to their tails that said: "Fluffy" and "Squishie". Winter yelled, "Let me go! Let go of my arms! Let me go!" and out of nowhere, "Let It Go" started playing.
Amidst the chaos, a fire suddenly roared up in the fake fireplace and Magic Dragon walked out of it, looking slightly burnt.
Suddenly, a gigantic pipe descended from the ceiling, and a large man popped out of it. A spotlight suddenly centered on the man, so that everyone could see his gleaming teeth, every one of them inset with a jewel of a different colour. His teeth looked like a rainbow. Grinning so that no one would miss out on the spectacle his teeth afforded, the man spoke. "Welcome to my hotel! Please keep the noise down." He then turned on his heel and was sucked up again by the huge pipe.
* * * * * * * * * *
And that, my friends, is the end of day 0! Feel free to post your view of the day, and tell me what you think, and whether you want me to stay with this writing style or switch to something a bit more like T.O.N.'s style (but it wouldn't be exactly the same)!
(October 12, 2014 - 12:56 pm)
Oh no, I like it.
(October 12, 2014 - 4:44 pm)
Suddenly there was a little puff of ocean turquoise ice fragments and Brooke appeared in place of MP.
"Hi! Sorry I'm late...... oh, dear, did my alter ego strike? Sorry, Forrest."
Forrest glowered and wiped green powder out of her hair.
Winter looked confused. "Hey, Piester, how'd you change back to Brooke so easily...... and what are you wearing? Fluffy, stop eating my shirt!"
"Oh, yes..... traditional Northern Ice Elf Mage outfit. And I have a staff. Pretty good at water/ice magic."
Brooke E. created a minor snowstorm out of water from the fountain, causing more chaos.
As it died down, Brooke shouldered her staff. "Oh, my alter ego wants to say hi to Winter herself, gotta go......"
There was a purple flash of light and smoke and MP appeared. Winter beamed.
"Piester!"
"Winter!" they hugged and their pets started to tackle each other.
Pie and Fluffy did the most fighting and Squishie sprouted wings and started flying around, breathing fire. A few people were mildly scorched, but the drizzle of snow fixed that. Squishie covered Forrest in green powder, though.
Forrest chucked a rainbow colored magical zap apple (ten points if you get the reference) at Squishie and missed.
CHAOS ENSUED AS THE SNOWSTORM RAED FASTER, BECOMING A BLIZZARD!
DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!
Maple, Forrest, and Magic Dragon said, "Where's that music coming from?"
The butler hid behind the piano. And put on his ETC (Emergency Tree Costume).
No one ever found out.
Madeline stumbled into John F.Q and they fell into the snow, only to be coated in a barrage of frozen fish, Beethoven wigs, and pineapple pies.
Everyone started screaming, yelling things like, YOU WILL ALL PIE! I MEAN, DIE! and HEEEELP ME!!! and THIS SUIT COST EIGHT HUNDRED BUCKS.
In short, chaos ensued. Again.
(October 12, 2014 - 4:44 pm)
I say you keep the style. I like it.
(October 12, 2014 - 7:44 pm)
I was just at Canadian Thanksgiving too, with my grandparents, who live in Montreal. That is so weird!!!!! I just, just, just got back from driving there (a horrendous undertaking). Whoa.
(October 14, 2014 - 6:06 pm)
Wait, Ominous, a question. Are you going to write everything or are we going to write about ourselves? Because your writing is seriously enjoyable. I would totally mention something like changing Indigo's name to Inigo! And John F.Q.'s LOTR spoofed ring was hilarious. :)
(October 12, 2014 - 6:48 pm)
Thanks everyone! I guess I'll stay with this style unless one of the days seems like it would work better written a different way!
I'm glad you liked the ring, Everinne! I wasn't sure if it would be too much or not, but I guess it wasn't!
You can write about yourselves/your view of the day/other mischief that happens, but whatever you write should stick to within the day that I've already posted (meaning no saying what happens during days I haven't posted yet, because I have stuff planned for them). You don't have to write anything, but it's lots more fun if you do!
So everyone knows, in the world of the RMS Humbug and RMS Tiny, time goes by at a different rate than ours, so I'll be posting at the most three times a week, but twice a week is more likely.
(October 13, 2014 - 6:15 pm)
Ahhhhhh! MLP fandome!
Oh and I love the way you write!
(October 12, 2014 - 8:30 pm)
Thanks!
(October 13, 2014 - 8:03 am)
GREEN POWDER GREEN POWDEWR GREEN POWDER WHAT'S GOING ON?
Danie: Who knows? She said with a mysterious smile on her face. The question is whooo are youuuu?
Forrest: Not another Alice in wonderland thingie.
MP: Who are you?
Forrest: There green powder mushroom girl and you are, splat!
At that moment a butler came around the corner bearing two trays of pies which he promptly splated in their face.
Butler: From Curio,
Tipped a vial of green powder on Forrest's hair.
(October 13, 2014 - 10:35 am)
Part 1 of rooms.
There was a glittering swirl of greenish blue ice and poof! Brooke.
"Sorry. I'll try to mainly stay as Brooke, considering MP already caused damage....."
"Aw, Piester...."
"I'll change into Piester in the evenings, Winter."
The snowstorm slowly died down and the kids moved to their rooms (finally).
Curio's room was painted with red, inquisitive-looking dragons.
Forrest's room looked like a deep forest.
Indigo's room was bright red.
Danie's room was indigo.
Masked Piester's room was purple with pie stashes everywhere. (It turned into a winter themed room when she was Brooke)
Squeak's room was silver.
John F.Q's room was golden.
Winter's room was black but had fireflies and a mini flurry of snow.
(October 13, 2014 - 11:32 am)
Rooms Part 2
CaptainRead's room had books flying around the ceiling and a decal of a sword.
Maplesyurp's room was tawny and had a giant mural of a maple leaf.
Madeline's room was pink and glittery with Frozen stickers everywhere.
Everinne's room was yellow with little blue accents, which made it look summery.
Bookbug's room also had flying books, but included an insect habitat full of trained dancing beetles.
Air's room was in the highest part of the building with white walls but a great ocean view.
Amy L.'s room was sky blue with blubirds flying around it.
Book Wizard's room had a portal to Hogwarts and extra wands. It was painted to look like a night sky.
Magic Dragon's room had a mural of a fire breathing dragon and a giant fake fireplace, much to MD's chagrin.
(You can change your room if you don't like it.....)
(October 13, 2014 - 11:42 am)
I might do that to my room soon.....
(October 13, 2014 - 6:17 pm)