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Chatterbox: Inkwell
Hey, how do
Hey, how do you guys like this? I would love some criticsm.
As i looked deep into his eyes, my heart skipped a beat. "Scar," i choked out. I've been hunting him down ever since he kidnapped my husband. "That's right, Michelle. I got you a present." With those words, he kicked over the lifeless body of my husband. Everything turned black as I wailed to the darkening clouds my grief. Scar would pay.
submitted by Leah G., age 12, Saline, MI
(February 2, 2009 - 9:02 pm)
(February 2, 2009 - 9:02 pm)
If that's the beginning, you are very good at hooking readers. If it's the middle, you have a distinct writing style and it's great! :)
Are you new here? Welcome! This is going to be kind of funny because there's now a Lena G (yours truly) and a Leah G. Some people have mispronounced my name as Leah, coincidentally.
(February 3, 2009 - 7:03 pm)
Leah you should totally add the flashbacks. You know the ones we came up with in school today? I think everyone would get a kick out of those. *laughs just thinking about it*
(February 3, 2009 - 7:16 pm)
My goodness, Leah. That was certainly- well, it really put a picture in my head. I'd suggest that maybe before you go immediately to the whole revenge thing, you put in the initial sadness that Michelle should be feeling- don't go too in depth, just a few more sentences, maybe something like, "I bit my tongue, trying to keep back the tears that were stinging my eyes, blurring my vision of the malicious face that I would not give the satisfaction of knowing how he had just carved out my chest and wrenched my heart out, leaving an insatiable, unfillable hole," or something to that accord (in your own words, obviously). Otherwise, you're really good! I must say, that's not the type of thing I typically read, but I really liked that! (Though I do feel sorry for Michelle.) Keep writing, and kudos!
(February 5, 2009 - 5:09 pm)
Leah, thank's for mentioning Me!grr! I'm Alyssa, also Leah's bestest friend. I'm in her books; they're awesome!
(February 6, 2009 - 5:04 pm)
It's really fun to put Alyssa in my books. That way I can make fun of her even more!
(February 7, 2009 - 9:51 am)
ya know what leah? you are mean! but im glad that i annoy you! and your disses are not good
(February 11, 2009 - 7:44 am)
U guys can't ever stop fighting can u??? *rolls eyes in exasperation* U r like toddlers. *gives embarrsed smile to onlookers*
(February 11, 2009 - 5:09 pm)
Sam, we fight more . . . Wait, no we don't. Never mind. You and someone must fight more than us, right?
(February 13, 2009 - 10:12 pm)
Alyssa, I annoy you more than you ever know. You do know what will happen, right? Oh wait, no you don't. I haven't told you yet.
(February 13, 2009 - 10:11 pm)
Who really cares!
(February 16, 2009 - 1:03 pm)
laeh ya know what you should do in your story? have an explosion right
(February 11, 2009 - 7:51 am)
Take note. You spelled my name wrong.
(February 15, 2009 - 1:25 pm)
Leah, I think that you would like these fighting moves for your story.
1. Grab lapels of jacket and head-butt in stomach
2. If they are standing at the edge of a body of water and not facing you walk up behind them and quietly shove them in.
3. Whack on head with handbag (this would be good for a flashback)
4. Lure behind a curtain with taunts and then jump 'em
5. Grab around the ankles and trip
6. Wrap in net (or something equally entangling)
Just remember, this is for your story, not for real life.
(February 14, 2009 - 8:44 pm)
Darn. I could really use that in real life. Oh well, i won't. Maybe
:)
(February 15, 2009 - 1:23 pm)
You better not! Or you might wake up entangled on a net yourself....
(February 15, 2009 - 8:23 pm)