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Lately I've been so stressed.
Stressed about SOLs and my AP exam, which are coming up next week and I don't feel prepared at all. I'm so worried about them, even though I've been doing pretty well the whole year. There was geometry lesson I couldn't understand and the test on it I practically failed today, even though I've been getting A's in math all year. I got a 67 on this test! And it was open notes! There was French test today that I also probably failed. Chemistry is confusing and I keep being slow to remember things. Or at least, everyone else remembers them faster than I do, leaving me to scrawl down the answers as quickly as I can. Even art is stressful, because every time I feel proud of something I made and show it to people there's always something I did wrong. Even when I post it here, it's still not good enough. So many people are so much better than me and even though I try and try, I still can't match them. And everyone is swept away by their art while I feel like a dirty, greedy person for being jealous of their praise. I shouldn't be jealous.
They deserve to be complemented. It's wrong to be jealous of your friend. What kind of a friend are you, anyway? Jealous of their compliments, just because you didn't get any. Selfish. Greedy. You should feel happy for them, I tell myself.9
And so I push the bad feelings away, relax my face, display for the world to see that nothing is wrong. I'm fine. It's what I've always done, after all. And it works. I stay strong, I’m happy because I don’t let the negativity settle. I just brush it off. I almost never cry.
But lately it's starting to drag on me, sit on my shoulders like dead weights instead of floating away like normal. It's a combination of worry about tests and not getting enough sleep. I normally go to bed around 12:30.
This whole week, everything’s been more difficult. Things that normally wouldn’t bother me stick longer than they should. I’m being dragged down, but I try to brush it off, breathe it off, exhale it like I always do.
Until it doesn’t work.
At gymnastics yesterday, I just broke down. I was just sobbing on one of my coaches, sobbing. Me, sobbing. I never cry. When I calmed down I felt much better, but was still out of it and was lying on the floor, looking up at my friends. One girl pretended to take a selfie, and then showed me that she had taken a picture of me instead. Lying on the floor, my hair desheveled, face still blotchy, glasses askew, my mouth open in the middle of a sentance. I cracked up, rolling around on the floor laughing my demon laugh. Then I realized I was crying again, even though I didn’t know why.
Today, after I failed my math test, I was sitting in Chemistry and started crying again. My friend noticed and asked me if I was ok.
“I don’t know,” I answered tearfully. She realized I was having an anxiety attack and got me to go for a walk with her to a quiet classroom. There, we talked about why I was even having an anxiety attack and what I should do about it.
I didn’t even know I was having an anxiety attack. I’ve never had one before in my life, but now I’ve had two in two days. What is going on with me?
Thanks for reading this, you wonderful people. I love you.
submitted by Cockleburr
(May 5, 2017 - 9:09 pm)
(May 5, 2017 - 9:09 pm)
Merlin, that sounds bad.
APs do not explain who you are as a person. They don't predict intelligence OR success in life. You are our Cocky Little Burr and we support you more than a number, a score, a grade ever can.
*Hugs*
One day, school will be over.
(May 14, 2017 - 6:47 am)
Anxiety can ruin the best of situations. But the reality is, even if its hard to recognise, one exam will not ruin your future. It isn't really your fault if you did fail. You didn't take the medicine, and if you've never heard of the terms, then that is the fault of your teacher. Have a cup of tea( or something else that is hot and relaxing if you don't like tea) and look out a window while drinking it slowly. Study the trees and little animals and clouds and try not to worry about anything else except the window and the animals and the trees. Don't bring anything else to do. Just stare out the window until your cup of tea or other beverage is finished. Maybe get up early so your family won't question this strange behavior. Even better, get up early and watch the sunrise and look at the animals getting up and going about their lives. This ususally helps me (sorry if this isn't very helpful. Getting up early, looking out the window and drinking tea is basically my answer to everything). Maybe stay up a little bit later and look up at the sky and the stars (or the moon if there's a lot of light pollution). This is really relaxing and helps get anxiety out of your system. This might seem cliche, but it also helps you recognise how small and insignificant we are compared to everything else. Whenever I think I failed something, my dad always tells me that this will not be the end for my future. One thing won't determine your chances of being happy in the future. I don't know the specifics about this test, but chances are, you can still get into a good college even if you didn't do well. You don't even need to go to college to be happy or succesful (if that is what you are aiming to do, by which I mean if you are aiming to go to college).
(May 14, 2017 - 11:42 am)