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Chatterbox: Down to Earth
Lately I've been so stressed.
Stressed about SOLs and my AP exam, which are coming up next week and I don't feel prepared at all. I'm so worried about them, even though I've been doing pretty well the whole year. There was geometry lesson I couldn't understand and the test on it I practically failed today, even though I've been getting A's in math all year. I got a 67 on this test! And it was open notes! There was French test today that I also probably failed. Chemistry is confusing and I keep being slow to remember things. Or at least, everyone else remembers them faster than I do, leaving me to scrawl down the answers as quickly as I can. Even art is stressful, because every time I feel proud of something I made and show it to people there's always something I did wrong. Even when I post it here, it's still not good enough. So many people are so much better than me and even though I try and try, I still can't match them. And everyone is swept away by their art while I feel like a dirty, greedy person for being jealous of their praise. I shouldn't be jealous.
They deserve to be complemented. It's wrong to be jealous of your friend. What kind of a friend are you, anyway? Jealous of their compliments, just because you didn't get any. Selfish. Greedy. You should feel happy for them, I tell myself.9
And so I push the bad feelings away, relax my face, display for the world to see that nothing is wrong. I'm fine. It's what I've always done, after all. And it works. I stay strong, I’m happy because I don’t let the negativity settle. I just brush it off. I almost never cry.
But lately it's starting to drag on me, sit on my shoulders like dead weights instead of floating away like normal. It's a combination of worry about tests and not getting enough sleep. I normally go to bed around 12:30.
This whole week, everything’s been more difficult. Things that normally wouldn’t bother me stick longer than they should. I’m being dragged down, but I try to brush it off, breathe it off, exhale it like I always do.
Until it doesn’t work.
At gymnastics yesterday, I just broke down. I was just sobbing on one of my coaches, sobbing. Me, sobbing. I never cry. When I calmed down I felt much better, but was still out of it and was lying on the floor, looking up at my friends. One girl pretended to take a selfie, and then showed me that she had taken a picture of me instead. Lying on the floor, my hair desheveled, face still blotchy, glasses askew, my mouth open in the middle of a sentance. I cracked up, rolling around on the floor laughing my demon laugh. Then I realized I was crying again, even though I didn’t know why.
Today, after I failed my math test, I was sitting in Chemistry and started crying again. My friend noticed and asked me if I was ok.
“I don’t know,” I answered tearfully. She realized I was having an anxiety attack and got me to go for a walk with her to a quiet classroom. There, we talked about why I was even having an anxiety attack and what I should do about it.
I didn’t even know I was having an anxiety attack. I’ve never had one before in my life, but now I’ve had two in two days. What is going on with me?
Thanks for reading this, you wonderful people. I love you.
submitted by Cockleburr
(May 5, 2017 - 9:09 pm)
(May 5, 2017 - 9:09 pm)
Cockleburr, you are a very speciel person to me. I have never ever met anyone who is always so kind and thoughtful.
Okay, take a deep breath. Everyone has struggles in life, at times. Everyone makes mistakes, but we always have to believe in ourselves and keep moving. You are having anxiety attacks, but they will be over eventually. Talk to your parents about ways you can help yourself. Meditation? Maybe ask your teachers about how you feel. Just dont keep it to yourself. I am not the best at giving advice, especially with something that I haven't experienced, but Ashlee was absoloutly right. You are an amazing person, and an amazing friend, Cockleburr. We love you so much, all of us do.
*hugs*
~LilyPad
(May 7, 2017 - 4:52 pm)
Oh my goodness, thank you so much LilyPad! This means so much coming from you, because you are honestly one of the sweetest people ever! You don't know how much your words helped me feel better. Thank you! *hugs* I love you, LilyPad.
(May 7, 2017 - 9:27 pm)
Awww Cockleburr I'm so sorry. That's really aweful. My advice is to come to a clear understanding of what you're having anxiety about. It may take a while to figure out, but once you do, talk to someone (either us, a friend or a parent) about it if necessary. But that has always worked for my anxiety. But also, if it helps, you are a seriously awesome person, and you don't have to feel anxiety about anything.
(May 7, 2017 - 7:40 pm)
Thanks, Will. I think I'm mostly stressed about having overdue work and not wanting to finish it because it's hard, but knowing I have to finish it. Thanks for the advice! It's really kind of you.
(May 8, 2017 - 1:58 pm)
I'm sorry, Cockleburr. I have friends that get super stressed out like you, so I know how hard it is. You will have my prayers as well,and always remember that we are here for you. So are the bow ties form the ball thread.
(May 8, 2017 - 2:13 pm)
Thank you, Rae. I'll remember that. And the bow ties are amazing! I'm glad we're going to the ball together!
(May 9, 2017 - 10:54 pm)
That sounds awful!
This reminds me so much of what happens at the high school in my town.
Please, Cockleburr, remember: We are here for you. Your friends are here for you. You are an amazing person, even if you got a bad grade on one little test. Ask your parents if you can take a break from everything: school, homework, gymnastics, just so you can recover a little and get yourself together.
I would write some more, but it would turn out exactly like what I wrote for Ashlee. Just remember three things:
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. This is not permanent.
Never lose hope. Everything will be alright in the end.
And never, ever, ever give up.
~Mei
(May 8, 2017 - 5:30 pm)
*Hugs* Cockleburr.
Everyone goes through really hard times at some point. Try talking it out with your parents and freinds to work it out. Also, to help with stress, you can try to set up an hour or so each day where you can just do anything you want, to get a break for studying. It really helped me when I was studying for my finals.
And your grades at school don't define you as a person. Even if you have bad grades, you can still be a really successful and happy person in life.
Keep Going Cockleburr, never give up. We are always here.
(May 8, 2017 - 6:40 pm)
Thanks, Mei. I decided not to go to practice tomorrow because the test is Friday. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Ok, I'm done now. That felt good. As nice as it would be to take a break from school and homework, that's really not an option until the summer. But it's a nice dream!
(May 10, 2017 - 5:36 pm)
I'm so sorry, Cockleburr. Know that the CB is always here for you! You are such an amazing,sweet person. I don't really have much expirence with anxiety attacks, but if you're feeling stressed, I suggest taking a break, breathing deeply, and talking to a parent, a trustworthy adult or a friend.
*hugs*
Also, I'm taking Chemistry too- HOW does one survive that class with their brain exploding out of confusion I will never know!
(May 8, 2017 - 6:17 pm)
Thanks, Biblio. After my attack in chemistry class, my friend took me out for a walk in the hallway until I calmed down, which really helped. *hugs* I have no CLUE how anybody does survive chemistry. My brain has already exploded too many times to count, and then my mother (who is a plastic surgeon and uses chemistry all day) has to help me put it all back together again!
(May 10, 2017 - 5:41 pm)
Oh Cockleburr...No one is perfect! Don't punish yourself! I feel really...touched by this whole thread. Touched as in...hey...I can relate! I have anxiety about speaking in public...I even have anxiety sometimes when my family goes on a 45 minute drive without me.
I'm not sure if this will help, but a few weeks ago two friend of my graduated from my homeschool group. It was so sad! She cried. That night I cried. On the ride home, my mom said. "Growing up is hard." It was in passing...but it kinda hit me... I don't know if this is...helpful? Understanding? I don't know...I just want you to know that I love you Cockleburr, and everyone on the CB, and I want you to be happy. Take a break from your school, try not to stress it so much. I know that it is hard, but try. And no matter what happens in the world, know that you have power over yourself.
Don't ever give up Cockleburr, you're amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3
~Silver
(May 8, 2017 - 6:52 pm)
'Know that you have power over yourself.' I'll have to remember that, Silverwaxwing. That's a very strengthening thought, actually. I love you too, Silver! *hugs* I also get some anxiety over public speaking, but honestly the only thing that helped me get through that was to keep working on it. If you can, try focusing on a point in the back of the room, not the people. Or make sure you have something written down for yourself- reading outloud is much easier for me than having to think something up on the spot.
Anyway, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I mean, I'm not glad that you have to expirience this too, but I'm glad that we can support each other. I'm here for you, and you're here for me.
(May 10, 2017 - 5:46 pm)
Update:
I think I failed my AP test. It was today and I had to get up super early to get there at 7:30, and actually got there on time. But the people giving us the test thought the door was open, except it was locked and I had to stay outside with half my class, shivering in the rain for ten minutes until Sam pounded on the window so loudly they heard and let us in. We started the multiple choice, and halfway through I realized that I was having to read everything three times in order to understand it, which made me wonder if I had taken my ADD medicine, which made me realize I actually hadn't. So that was bad. Then I didn't actually finish the multiple choice because I was having trouble focusing enough to understand the question and it took too long. I only finished 61 out of 75 questions!
Next we had a break and they gave us candy, which everyone immediatly started hoarding, but I only ended up eating two pieces because I had an anxiety attack and had to spend the rest of the break staring at a blank wall to calm down. Then they forced us to put the extra candy back! :(
We had three Free Response Questions, and I swear I had never even seen the terms on the first one. I just made up some junk about it and explained how a basic concentric zone model works. Which was a real stretch for what they'd asked.
Then I had to go back to school and we watched an excellent movie called Mao's Last Dancer, which I really liked. Then when I was explaining all this to my dad I had another (small) anxiety attack and started crying again, then decided not to go to gymnastics.
Ugh.
I love you guys. Thanks for supporting me.
-Cockleburr
(May 12, 2017 - 4:46 pm)
(May 12, 2017 - 8:03 pm)