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Chatterbox: Down to Earth
Lately I've been so stressed.
Stressed about SOLs and my AP exam, which are coming up next week and I don't feel prepared at all. I'm so worried about them, even though I've been doing pretty well the whole year. There was geometry lesson I couldn't understand and the test on it I practically failed today, even though I've been getting A's in math all year. I got a 67 on this test! And it was open notes! There was French test today that I also probably failed. Chemistry is confusing and I keep being slow to remember things. Or at least, everyone else remembers them faster than I do, leaving me to scrawl down the answers as quickly as I can. Even art is stressful, because every time I feel proud of something I made and show it to people there's always something I did wrong. Even when I post it here, it's still not good enough. So many people are so much better than me and even though I try and try, I still can't match them. And everyone is swept away by their art while I feel like a dirty, greedy person for being jealous of their praise. I shouldn't be jealous.
They deserve to be complemented. It's wrong to be jealous of your friend. What kind of a friend are you, anyway? Jealous of their compliments, just because you didn't get any. Selfish. Greedy. You should feel happy for them, I tell myself.9
And so I push the bad feelings away, relax my face, display for the world to see that nothing is wrong. I'm fine. It's what I've always done, after all. And it works. I stay strong, I’m happy because I don’t let the negativity settle. I just brush it off. I almost never cry.
But lately it's starting to drag on me, sit on my shoulders like dead weights instead of floating away like normal. It's a combination of worry about tests and not getting enough sleep. I normally go to bed around 12:30.
This whole week, everything’s been more difficult. Things that normally wouldn’t bother me stick longer than they should. I’m being dragged down, but I try to brush it off, breathe it off, exhale it like I always do.
Until it doesn’t work.
At gymnastics yesterday, I just broke down. I was just sobbing on one of my coaches, sobbing. Me, sobbing. I never cry. When I calmed down I felt much better, but was still out of it and was lying on the floor, looking up at my friends. One girl pretended to take a selfie, and then showed me that she had taken a picture of me instead. Lying on the floor, my hair desheveled, face still blotchy, glasses askew, my mouth open in the middle of a sentance. I cracked up, rolling around on the floor laughing my demon laugh. Then I realized I was crying again, even though I didn’t know why.
Today, after I failed my math test, I was sitting in Chemistry and started crying again. My friend noticed and asked me if I was ok.
“I don’t know,” I answered tearfully. She realized I was having an anxiety attack and got me to go for a walk with her to a quiet classroom. There, we talked about why I was even having an anxiety attack and what I should do about it.
I didn’t even know I was having an anxiety attack. I’ve never had one before in my life, but now I’ve had two in two days. What is going on with me?
Thanks for reading this, you wonderful people. I love you.
submitted by Cockleburr
(May 5, 2017 - 9:09 pm)
(May 5, 2017 - 9:09 pm)
Be ready to hear a speech, because I am about to drop one. Cockleburr, you are absolutely amazing. Yes, you - like everyone else on this earth - find struggles. Struggles in math, science, French, even in things you enjoy like art and writing. I know you are feeling down, like the weight of the whole world is on your shoulders. As we get older, our brains realize the mental strength they have to build up with a short span of years before adulthood. It's like your growth spurt all over again, and you will go through a tumble of emotions. I do too. I am like you, I rarely ever cry. But sometimes, sometimes I get so emotionally wrapped up in things, like math, so mentally broken, that I just break. I think it is a part that every teen faces, as their minds settle in between that childhood and adulthood state. It's a lot to handle, I know. But I do know something, you are strong, you are unique, and wow, you will blow us all away someday. Do not let these struggles get in your way.
Pep rallies won't solve your issues, I know that. You need suggestions, and my mind is running on empty. It's 10:09 o'clock at night. I'm tired, but I will give it all I have because I want you to succeed. I want you to be able to smile during class, even if it is hard. Because I know you can. When it comes to math, decide how you learn best. Make flashcards with pictures and definitions, because that is great for visual and hands-on learners. Plus, it's geometry. Whether or not we like it, it is just full of shapes and pictures. Science? Wow, I am not even in Chemistry yet because my school was so messed up last year, but I suggest the same. Practice, practice, practice. Which I know you do, a lot. You are a hard worker, and it's like me and math. It is going to take time, it is going to take dedication. But I know you can pull through. Again, flashcards and repetition, mastery is key. I know classes move fast, and that can be difficult. Maybe ask the teacher to meet outside of class and work with him/her? I have a friend who does that, it has helped him a lot.
Sometimes, people like us who don't cry need to let it out. We are an emotional bottle, all held up in the glass with a cork. Some kid shook us up too hard and at some point, we just need to let go. Deep down, we know crying helps us because we do not do it enough. Talking to people helps too, telling them how you feel, letting out your emotions. Just hang in there, and do not hold in all your tears, it just makes it worse in the end. Stay strong, I know you can do it!
You were there for me, every moment of my hardships that I have shared on the CB you were there for. I, and so many others here, love you, remember that. Every day, every time you see that math test in your binder, the low score. Every day you feel like a failure because the world is coming down on you, remember we love you. I will always be here if you ever want someone to talk to. We're the same age, so I know we face the same struggles. Being here is the least I can do to repay all the kindness you have given me. Just stay strong, I know you can and will achieve anything you set your mind to. Will it cost some tears, late nights, and overall mental pain? Yes. But will it result in the world that you deserve? Of course, of course, it will. Stand strong, do not lose hope, and keep at it! I know you will make it through this. Good luck, Cockleburr, and show the world what you are made of.
(May 6, 2017 - 12:21 am)
Thank you so, so much Ashlee. You don't know how much I needed to hear that. Thank you. You are always, always here for me when I need it. I won't give up, I will keep working. And the flashcards are a good idea, I'll definately try that. I love you, too.
(May 7, 2017 - 2:54 pm)
You are welcome, Cockleburr. I have no doubt you will succeed at whatever you put your mind to, just keep on trying.
(May 14, 2017 - 1:05 pm)
Oh, Cockleburr, I'm so sorry. Don't ever ever ever ever feel discouraged about your art, please! Compare yourself to only one person- yourself! I can relate to that art slum, though- all I can recommend you do is to keep making art, because that's the only way to improve, and think about how much better it will be in a year! Some people you look up to may be older than you, too, remember that.
Don't stress art. If you create 10 trash drawings and then an awesome one, it's a success. I saw this quote somewhere that said, "Every drawing I do is practice for the next one." Everyone feels jealous sometimes, it's totally OK.
OK, this was a problem I used to have, too- I saw myself as a bad friend and a bad person, and I thought it so much that I sort of became one. So, start fresh, know that you are a wonderful, brilliant, perfectly imperfect person that's going to get through this. Don't ever feel bad about crying, please. Drink lots of water, breathe, get what you're feeling off your chest, and take care of yourself. We love you, Cockleburr <3
(May 6, 2017 - 9:05 am)
Perfectly imperfect- I like that. Thank you so much Bluebird. "Every drawing I do is practice for the next one." I'll have to remember that. Love you too, Bluebird!
(May 7, 2017 - 3:36 pm)
Top!
(May 6, 2017 - 3:17 pm)
*hugs* You are wonderful, Cockleburr. Promise me never to feel like you're not.
Have you promised yet?
Good.
(May 6, 2017 - 11:08 pm)
<3 Thanks Crookshanks. I promise! *hugs*
(May 7, 2017 - 3:36 pm)
❤
(May 7, 2017 - 5:03 pm)
I've had that same jealousy problem. Don't worry that you're an awful friend, jealousy just happens sometimes. It's normal. You're definitely a great friend. Don't doubt yourself.
(May 7, 2017 - 7:02 am)
Aw, Cockleburr! I'm so sorry! Don't worry--you are definitely not the only one. I have that jealousy problem all the time. I struggle with feeling like other people's art is better than mine, too. Personally, I think your art is wonderful! You're amazing at drawing hands, feet, and people in motion. Better than anything I can do. Don't be so hard on yourself. We luv ya.
Praying for you. <3
(May 7, 2017 - 11:25 am)
Thank you, Leeli, that is so sweet of you! Your art is amazing as well, so don't you forget it! Love you too! Thank you for the prayers. <3
(May 7, 2017 - 9:17 pm)
Thank you, Applejaguar. That really helps, and I'll try to keep it in mind.
(May 7, 2017 - 4:02 pm)
I used to think I was the only one who did this. I put people up on pedestals and tried to ignore the oncoming anxiety attacks. My tactic with dealing with anxiety isn't good either. I usually just push it to the side and busy myself with something else. Try to figure out if you're doing that and if you are then try to stop it (like I should be talking, look at me. It is easier to give and hear advise then to follow it though). My geometry exam is tomorrow, and I'm so nervous. I keep telling myself I'm going to be the only one who is going to fail. I used to be much worse until I got placed next to a girl that I thought was super smart and super good at math. One day I heard her saying, "Oh, I'm so stupid. I can't believe I couldn't figure out that problem, you're a genius (insert my actual name here)". I was shocked, but I just told her she wasn't stupid and I denied being a genius. Stress always makes me do worse on tests, and exam season is full of stress. I've thankfully been avoiding anxiety attacks now, but a while ago I kept having them over and over again. That wasn't really like me, and it helps to realize that other people are probably feeling the same as you. Maybe they haven't gotten to the point of a panic attack yet, or maybe they already passed it. No matter how put together someone looks, they're probably still struggling with something. The same principle works for the jealousy thing, and least for me.
Thank you for posting this, for it made me realize that I'm pushing off studying for my geometry exam. I'm off to go study. Thursday can't come fast enough for me (I'll be done with my geometry exam and my Spanish speech)! Heh, this paragraph makes me sound semi-calm. I'm really not. I'm so nervous right now.
(May 7, 2017 - 9:33 am)
That's a really good point, GreenMango. I've hear a saying about it, something like, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is struggling with problems you know nothing about."
Good luck to you, too, GreenMango! You can do it! One thing that I realized helped me this weekend was just taking a break from studying. I did whatever the heck I wanted: slept, made art, slept some more, took a walk with my brother, slept even more... it was nice. Now I'm back to studying, but it's not quite as stressful. But who knows what tomorrow will bring. Only good, I hope. I pray.
(May 7, 2017 - 9:25 pm)