Not entirely sure where I was going with this, but whatever:

Pay Attention

My eyes scan around the classroom, still half-awake. The sleepy town of Lesine has dreary mornings, with skies gray like a city pigeon. In fact, there is nothing special at all about Lesine. What is it that caused people to move here, anyways? The industries and workplaces are all low-paying, and the alleys of the city are mainly empty—nothing creepy about it at all.

“Sophia?” my history teacher, Mrs. Veade, calls. “Are you paying attention?”

“Mhm,” I say half-heartedly. “You were talking about old myths and legends that ancient Greece developed.”

Mrs. Veade nods, looking surprised. “Right. And Pegasus was a winged horse depicted as a white stallion, said to be sired by Poiseidon…”

My mind stops paying attention as Mrs. Veade continues to drone on and on about whatever myth it was about Pegasus. I don’t pay attention, because I don’t need to. My subconsciousness is basically video-taping the whole thing.

Oh, it seems that I’ve forgotten to mention that. For some reason, from the moment I was born, my mind could be in two places at once. In one place, I would be thinking about whatever I wanted, and the other place would be in the present, with basically a photographic memory. However, instead of remembering everything, I can selectively choose what to delete. It’s like a phone.

Anyways, I don’t see the point of Mrs. Veade talking about myths and legends when she could be talking about real-life events that actually happened in history, like she’s supposed to. What’s the point…if they already exist?

Finally, finally, the bell rings and I can go home. I run out of the classroom, and spot my friend Akira waving at me, so I walk over to her.

“Ki, isn’t history so boring?” I say as soon as I reach her. “I mean, why do we need to know about myths and legends when they aren’t even real?”

“I think it’s quite fascinating. And anyways, it is real-” She stops herself, looking a little scared.

“What, Ki? What were you talking about? How could it be real?” I ask.

Akira smiles nervously and shrugs. “I said the wrong thing. I meant that even if it’s not real, it sounds real.”

“Really?” I squint my eyes at her. She’s pretty bad at lying, and I can tell. But what could she be lying about? “Is there something you know that I don’t?”

“It’s like you said, it’s fake,” she says. She begins to fidget with her bracelet, twirling it again and again around her wrist.

“Don’t tell me you believe in those myths! You don’t, do you?” I tilt my head at her. This is getting confusing.

“Well, what if it is?” she asks. She continues to twirl her bracelet, making it spin faster and faster. “Want me to show you?”

“Huh? Show me? What do you mean?”

She leads me out into a random alley in the middle of nowhere. Then, taking in a deep breath, she slowly removes her bracelet.

Immediately, her ears grow until it turns into points. Her eyes, once brown, take on a shade of leafy green. Faint freckles that haven’t been there before slowly appear. Streaks of white appear in her raven-black hair.

“Y-You’re…an elf!” I gasp with sudden realization. “S-Since when!?”

“Always,” she says. “You just need to pay attention, Sophia.”

“Wow…Do you have any special abilities or anything?” I ask.

“Not really,” she says, putting her bracelet back on so she transforms back into her old self. “Besides exceptional gardening and musical talents.”

“Are there others?” I ask.

She nods. “Everywhere. You just haven’t paid attention. Like Mrs. Veade. She’s a werewolf, except because she’s always wearing large sun hats, she never gets exposed to the moonlight, so she doesn’t transform. That’s how most of us mythical creatures prevent ourselves from being discovered by humans.”

“I-Is there any possibility I could be a mythical creature?”

Akira shrugs. “Maybe. I know there are some people who are half–elf, half-human…or half-fairy, half-human. Have you worn any specific jewelry all the time since you were young?”

I nod, and I slowly take off my silver necklace that I’ve worn since…forever. But when I take it off, nothing seems to happen that I can see.

Akira looks me up and down, then says, “Can I see your wrist?”

Confused, I show my wrist to her. She inspects it carefully, then says, “There might be a possibility that you have…let’s see…a few drops of fairy blood in you, maybe? It’s too faint to tell. But didn’t you always say you had a photographic memory? Maybe that has something to do with it. I know that’s among some fairies’ abilities.”

“Wait, why didn’t I ever know about this until now?”

Akira looks at me apologetically. “Humans aren’t supposed to know about it. But since it seems that you are a sixteenth-fairy, then I guess you count.”

“What does that mean?” I ask.

She doesn’t answer my question. Instead she says, “I gotta go home! See ya, Sophia!”

A little dazed, I walk home, but as I walk, I suddenly begin to see things. I begin to see elves and fairies and goblins walking among the crowd, as well as unicorns and pegasi!? It’s weird that I haven’t noticed this until now…I just haven’t been paying attention.

Very short story

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It's a cold night, and my sister and my dad (both art geeks) are watching the same documentary. For the 32nd time. (But who's counting?) I don't actually know what it's about, because art is not my thing. I sigh and retreat into my bedroom, staring at the sky blue walls. I don't know what the heck was happening in that documentary. My phone pings, and I start to get wrapped up in texting my friend. Cecelia, my sister, says "Sam, you should come and watch! And don't bring your phone. Please." I bite my lip and l slip my phone in my pocket. I go into the livingroom. "Come and sit down," says my dad, patting the couch. I sit down and reluctantly watch the documentary. They restart it just for me. I start to pull out my phone, but Cecelia stops my hand. "Pay attention," she says. I put my phone on the side table and do pay attention. The colors and the paintings mezmerize me, and I gasp at all the wonderful art. After all these months, I never knew what I was missing out on. Paying attention payed off. 

So, when is judging happening?The fifteenth passed a while ago, and I was just wondering is there a day when the stories will be judged?

Thanks! 

(Janie says "gap it" ?)

I will have judging out soon. I'm sorry i've been sick

K, thanks!

I will have Neverseen's critique out by tonight, since I just have to look it over one more time; I might also have AvaraStar's ready by then but I can't promise that. So sorry for the wait!

Also, are we going to extend the deadline for "attention" since only two people have posted?

Full, red lips. Soft, coco skin. Wide, gold flecked eyes. Gently curving figure. Long, flowing, chocolate hair. Small, dainty feet. Long lashes and button nose. A glowing aura. She demanded attention, from the golden tiara on top her head, down the flowing, water-like dress, to the golden slippers on her feet. Her carefully placed smile dimpled her cheeks, and the way she tilted her head made her hair slip gracefully over to one side. She seemed to float as she walked through the crowd, smiling and nodding to the mesmerized people. She left a mark upon everyone she came across, whether she had shared a few words with them, gave them a big smile, or simply glanced their way. If it was a cartoon, all of her subjects' eyes would’ve turned to hearts the second she stepped from the palace.

One remained untouched. Used to her beauty, and her attention seeking appearance, a boy sulked in the shadows. Tall, but gangly, with shaggy black bangs over dark eyes. Pale skin, thin lips that were always pressed together with dislike. Dark clothes helped him hide in the background. With his head tilted to the ground, no one would notice his dark eyes, so full of emotion, that it didn’t matter whether he was awkward or not. His eyes alone made him handsome. 

Despite trying to hide, despite the fact his eyes were on the floor, the beautiful girl’s eyes fell upon the tall figure by the wall. And the boy, feeling eyes on himself, glanced up uncertaintly. Their eyes locked. The girl froze, sucked into the depths of his eyes. She was lost in the swirl of emotion in those dark eyes, the love and hope and pain all in one. The boy was startled that she was, in fact, looking at him, paying attention to himself! Her luscious lips parted in surprise at the new emotion rising inside her. The boy smiled for the first time in years, a true smile that showed his straight, white teeth and made his eyes light up. He brushed his bangs away from his face and gave a singular nod. He then vanished into the shadows. The word, ‘wait’ was 0n her lips before she could stop it, and out of her mouth. The crowd blinked at her, but the boy was gone. The girl’s smile was gone, and her shoulders trembled before she straightened again, turned, and headed back for the castle. Just as she reached the doors, she heard a voice whisper in her ear. ‘Soon. don’t forget to pay attention to those around you, and not just yourself.’ she turned to see those beautiful eyes one more time, and then they were gone.

Congratulations on winning! This definitely feels like an opening, and I don’t think it would work as a standalone story. There’s no real conclusion for the problem; in fact, we’re not even sure what the problem is yet, and there’s no agency on the character’s part. It depends mostly on the style and way the information is structured, which is very engaging and makes you want to know more. The disorientation is done great - instead of making the prose confusing, you use the way you give out the information as a hook. Since there’s no plot yet, it doesn’t feel like you’re holding back information that would make the story more engaging. However, if you were going to continue it, you would definitely want to find a defining plot arc; the style’s effect will wear off and even become annoying after a while, when it’s no longer fresh and interesting.

There are a few things I think you could improve; I provided examples to show what I’m talking about. You can take them if you want, but you can also just figure out what they’re changing and find other ways to use it or decide that you don’t want that change. If anything doesn’t make sense or you disagree, ask for more clarification! I’m not an expert, but I do find this sort of thing quite interesting :D 

Sometimes your description could be more impactful/vivid. Sometimes it’s an issue of confusing wording: “Vivid orange and pink. It’s a sunset, and the color of her cheeks against the brilliant light” is slightly wordy and the order of the words is a bit harder to follow. “Glowing orange and soft rose pink. The brilliant sunset outlines her smile, her flowing hair, her cheeks flushed from laughing” shows how the images are connected, though it does suggest that the pink is in the sunset and not her cheeks. If you wanted them to be more separate and confusing, you probably wouldn’t connect them; “Glowing orange: the sun seconds before sinking below the horizon. Soft rose pink: her cheeks, flushed from laughing.”)

Other times the words are just a little less potent than they could be. In general, the more specific you are, the stronger the picture will be in the reader’s head: “a bed of roses and daffodils” is clearer than “a bed of flowers”.

Also, there’s a bit of clutter in your wordcraft. So, some of the words aren’t necessary. This will also make the prose more clearer; see the difference between 1. “The colors are my only friends” and 2. “I thought to myself that perhaps the colors are the only friends I have”? 1 is  significantly more immediate and impactful. 2 is much more distant, and perhaps conversational (though even if you’re going for that something like “Perhaps the colors really are my only friends” might work better.) Your story is very intense - you want to tear out any words that don’t contribute in some way. (And yes, style is an important way.) While you might want more distance/less immediacy on occasion, or want a more conversational style, a.) I think the second wording is too much even for those the vast majority of the time and b.) the story you’re writing very much needs that immediacy. 

Sometimes the clutter words are more obvious; an example that doesn’t come up in your story is “The colors seem to swirl, and I start to laugh.” “The colors swirl, and I laugh” conveys the exact same information. ”Both “start to” and “seem” to add nothing in this context. Do note that If it was “The colors seem to swirl, but nothing is moving” or “I start to laugh but cut myself off”, however, they would have value: clarifying that you only started to laugh or the colors only seem to swirl. 

However, sometimes it’s more an issue of the given description not being as vivid as it could be. For instance, “It smells like ammonia and generic fabric softener”. What does “generic” add to the image? (If it was supposed to add something, let me know, because there’s probably a way to find something that achieves that effect more obviously.) “Cheap fabric softener” could suggest that the hospital is poor, or doesn’t put much thought into patients’ comfort. On the other hand, “A scent wafts up from the sheets: rose and lavender fabric softener” suggests more comfort or frivolousness. 

I also think the end could be improved for more buildup and maybe more shock. Perhaps a subversion. Or, you could build up more:

“My eyes follow [the doctor]’s lab coat flapping as he rushes out of the room. And then the immaculate white of the room grasps onto me and won’t let go. My eyes are closed. How can anything be so bright? I can’t breathe. 

My gaze latches onto the colors on my fingers and my chest eases. The glitter sparkles, all shades of red dancing in the light. Dancing… I was dancing. Maybe I can dance in my mind forever. Maybe I will never go back.

The glitter is so beautiful. But there’s something underneath… 

Colors swirl in my mind again - grey, black, pure white; and sirens, so many sirens. What do I have to do? What will make me never see them again? My eyes flutter open, for the glitter will soothe me. The glitter, and underneath… 

This isn’t the red of glitter, of times long gone though it couldn’t have been further than yesterday. It’s the other kind.

The red of blood.”

I changed the last sentence to both delay the word blood and put it at the end, where it’s more impactful. It’s the last word you read. Otherwise, I tried to stagger the sort of “parts” of the story, with the blood and sirens and the glitter. 

Feel free to use anything from this you want and discard the rest!

I’m so sorry this took so long, and I hope this made sense??? I should have the others out soon, but most will not be this detailed, I'm afraid. I should also mention that past Neverseen I'm not certain about ranking; if any of you really want it I can figure it out.

This one was really fun! I really like what you came up with, and the metaphors you chose were clear and vivid. I think you could work on showing more instead of telling, and summarizing less overall. To show what I mean: instead of “Edward was lonely. He couldn’t stop grieving the loss of his Elanor. She had been so dear to him”, you could try:

“The world was a colorless haze after Elanor died. Ever since she was young, she had been so dear to him. What else could she be? Nobody before her ever recognized his painting as more than a pointless hobby. If it wasn’t for her convincing him to try for a scholarship to an art school, he never would have. Not when his parents were convinced he would carry on the family lawyer business, and even more certain that Edward was not an artist. As it turns out, maybe they were right - about the second one at least.

“Without Elanor’s support, or fierce confidence in him and her and everyone, or presence at all… it was hard to see anything worth painting. It was even harder to get the energy to put brush to canvas. Edward was lost in a pitch-black abyss that he had no idea how to get out of.”

Note that I added quite a lot of content. A large part of summarizing is reducing content its most basic and removing details - and that's why it's less impactful. And obviously you don’t have to keep any of this; it’s just an example. I tried to choose things that emphasized the theme and the plot; it would feel out of place to randomly describe Edward's trip to see a penguin at the zoo unless it was the last thing he did with Elanor, or he tried to paint the penguins.

So, a bit about the mechanics of showing and telling. Showing is closer to “They shifted their heavy backpack and then continued, leaves crunching under their feet. Jack-o-lanterns grimaced and ghosts hanging on trees quivered in the pause from another howling gust of wind; they smiled at the sights”, while telling would be “It was nearing Halloween, and they were going to school”. Showing has more details, and give readers more to imagine and more to be interested; telling is more concrete and summarized. You would probably need some telling in the first one to actually show that the character is going to school and not to the library or somewhere else, unless it was obvious from previous context and their destination. (And often, the context isn't necessary for the story, which is when you want to tell.)

Showing tends to be more vivid and add to the atmosphere more. Telling is more concise, but usually it’s much less interesting. You might notice that telling is very similar to summarizing a lot of the time; that’s because often, telling is summary. Also, showing and telling is a spectrum - not only do different descriptions vary in how much showing/telling they are, you need both, and most prose is somewhere in between. It’s just often better to lean onto the showing side, especially if you tend towards summary. Don’t get caught in the trap that you need to only use the most detailed showing! Vividly describing every unimportant detail and adding scenes to show boring plot details that can be easily told can easily drag as much as just stating everything, and it also can give readers the impression that things are important when they aren’t. Both are useful, you just want to lean towards a higher showing amount.

Anyway sorry again that this took so long! This is the level of critique everyone else can expect, though I might be able to add more depending on the story and how much time I have.

@Hawkstar, I'll finish yours next (unless I get another one done first, but I'll try to work on yours most.)