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I wrote this
Chatterbox: Inkwell
I wrote this
I wrote this poem after someone very close died. I would like some feedback, plz!, also, keep in mind that this is a rough draft.
the sun warmed her cheek as she passed
the raindrops parted the way for her.
her laugh made the moon shine and the grass greener
she made the world go round.
angels sang when she walked,
the devil forgot his fiendish work
and Spring bloomed even in the frost of winter
The day came when she no longer laughed,
no longer shined brightly n the dark,
but lay, pale and motionless in in her soft covers white as snow
in the arms of death
no doubt at the gates of heaven
for that was where she belongs.
When she was buried,
sunflowers grew all over her grave stone
mourning her early departure
celebrating in a sad sort of way
her life that made the world go round
yet the rain still fell
and the sun still shone,
bright as ever the next day
though life seemed dark as ever with out her
and the grass still sprung up
as if she'd never gone
and maybe she hadn't
maybe her spirit strengthened the sun's gentle ray
and her laugh still harmonized with the birds
and in the summer, the ocean's spray her tears of happiness
the roar of the blue sea her calling,
her reasurrance
that she was still there
for the world still turns,
her spirit in a bluejay,
reminding them to stay strong.
it still needs work, but I hope you like it!
Lauren, it's beautiful just the way it is! You are a gifted poet.
Admin
submitted by Lauren C., age 13, ca
(November 17, 2009 - 9:28 pm)
(November 17, 2009 - 9:28 pm)
I'm in a hurry and can't say much, but there isn't much to say except that it's beautiful. You did a wonderful job of putting into words something that's pretty much inexpressible. Splendid!
-And admiring EH
(November 18, 2009 - 10:31 am)
I do not do this, in general, but argh - this rocking poem stuck at the back! Must not happen!
-EH
(November 19, 2009 - 3:30 pm)
Thanks, Admin!
You're welcome. Keep writing!
(November 19, 2009 - 9:08 pm)
Oh, wow, I love that, Lauren. Very poetic and touching. Great job!
(November 19, 2009 - 9:54 pm)
Wow. I'd elaborate, but I can't. That honestly sums it all up. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wowwy wow wow wow. That's amazing. So touching....wow.
(November 19, 2009 - 11:59 pm)
Amazing.
(November 20, 2009 - 5:17 pm)
*Gasp* This is awesome!!!! I love it! It does an amazing job of showing how much that person was important and how life without them was horrible, but still it went on. Great descriptions and your flow was fantastic. There were some lines that broke the flow a little bit, such as: "sunflowers grew all over her grave stone", but since I can think of no way at the moment that that could be fixed, this isn't too helpful. But I really like it!!! It really gets me thinking, and in the parts where you mention things like: "maybe her spirit strengthened the sun's gentle ray" and "the sun warmed her cheek as she passed" and "and her laugh still harmonized with the birds" I feel as if the sun is warming my cheek and birds are singing all around me. And when this person passes away in the poem and you say: "but lay, pale and motionless in in her soft covers white as snow/in the arms of death" I feel a cold hand running over me and sadness filling inside me. Again, great job!!!
~Leaf
(November 20, 2009 - 6:35 pm)
It was beautiful. I must admit, patheticly, I was bawling by the end. And I think, if its hard for me to hear about her, how hard it must be for you. I'm sorry if I'm touching a sore spot, but I really did think it was beautiful, and whoever she was she was lucky to be close to someone as terrific as you.
(November 20, 2009 - 11:52 pm)
Wow. That was seriously incredible. It really touched me. Sorry for your loss. Sounds like an amzing person. Would you mind if I copied it and saved so I could read it again in the future? I won't post it anywhere. If not, please say so! I really don't mind!
(November 21, 2009 - 12:16 pm)
Oh, yeah, I don't mind at all.
(December 6, 2009 - 9:18 pm)
Oh my, Lauren. That was amazing. Wow. I can't really say anything else, sorry. I wish I could write like that.
- ☺☻
(November 21, 2009 - 1:06 pm)
Thanks, but this was just kinda a one in a hundred. You should hear my other stuff. Acctually, on second thought, I'd rather keep the other to myself....
(December 6, 2009 - 9:22 pm)
Wow. Incredible. Beyond superlatives.
(November 21, 2009 - 2:30 pm)
That is really beautiful, Lauren. I love it. :) To agree
with the others, wow.
(November 21, 2009 - 3:13 pm)
I love it too. I recently lost someone like that also, and I think you summed it up perfectly, all the emotions and such that one feels after a death, and, as Leaf said, how life still goes on, but you end it on a sort of happy note. You have a really beautiful, bittersweet style. As has been said, keep writing!
(November 21, 2009 - 4:31 pm)