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Need help!
I'm writing a fanfiction. However, I think I'm doing something wrong!!! Some of you guys have wriiten books before, so can anyone help?
Here's what I have:
Ichiro Riddle, son of Voldemort, had faced mistrust his entire life. But in two weeks, he would have to face the full consequences of his parentage. At no place other than school.
Oh, the bullying he would bear at Hogwarts.
Ichiro gloomily sat on his bed, staring off into space. He lived in Malfoy Manor, as Narcissa Malfoy was his aunt and had been willing to take him in. Narcissa was kind, but she was quiet. She never stood up for him. When a random witch had come up to him and asked if he was evil, Narcissa stood by and watched while Ichiro was humiliated. She never stopped the press from taking pictures of him. Oh, the headlines! VOLDEMORT’S SON GLARES AT WIZARD! IS ICHIRO RIDDLE LIKE HIS FATHER? Whenever Ichiro walked into a wizard store, everyone would turn and stare. No, turn and glare.
Everyone would stiffen at the sight of the son of Voldemort.
No one trusted him. No one liked him, because of his father. He reminded everyone of the darkest times, of when they feared for their lives. No one would look into his eyes, for fear of seeing the eyes of the Dark Lord. Ichiro was lonely, depressed.
I want to make it clear that he suffers, but I don't think that I should put that so early into the story. What do you guys think?
submitted by Mei-xue (May-shreh), Fairyland
(August 7, 2016 - 7:12 am)
(August 7, 2016 - 7:12 am)
I think it's great!
(August 10, 2016 - 6:36 am)
Ichiro was a really random name . . . That happened to be Japanese, so I kept picturing him as Asian. XD So I had to change it.
I still feel like I'm doing something wrong . . .
(August 10, 2016 - 3:35 pm)
It's quite good! I do have a few suggestions though, if you want them:
I'd say you're putting a little too much information in the first sentence-- something I do myself only too often. Starting with 'The son of Voldemort' is perhaps a little over-dramatic, and 'his aunt, Narcissa Malfoy" is both a bit too sensational and a piece of informaton that would have better effect in a different sentence. In fact, I'd suggest you leave both those chunks of info until later-- don't tell us that Troyal is Voldemort's son until a little after, and perhaps leave the exact identity of Narcissa Malfoy open to surmise for a while. Reveal her name at a natural moment-- when she's being addressed in a court, or some such situation when one's full name is commonly used. I'd refer to her as 'Mrs. Malfoy' when you have to name her. Try dropping hints about her appearance-- have her push back a curtian of pale hair, or write a letter with a slender, shaking hand. Any Potterheads reading your work- it's fanfiction, so anyone reading it will be a fan-will likely catch on right away, and besides, people like to recognize their favorite characters through attributes only.
That's that! Hope this helps :)
(August 20, 2016 - 8:42 pm)
I definitely agree that we need more info about the main characters. You described Narcissa well, and that was a good length of a description for a not-so-main character. I would be interested in knowing what kind of planning/brainstorming you have done, because this usually helps whatever the problem is. If you need any help with brainstorming, just reply to this comment and I'll help you out. Brainstorming is definitely one of my strengths. However, I have never written fanfiction before, I mostly do Middle Ages time Fantasy. If you don't think this will help, don't feel the need to reply. Good Luck!
(October 7, 2016 - 7:06 pm)