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OK, I started
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OK, I started
OK, I started this story about 6 yrs ago when I was in 1st grade and now I am revising it.
Characters are as follows. (although I may add more later)
Main character: Fern, age 12, tomboyish, hot-tempered.
Other characters are as follows:
Fern's mother: Age unknown, very old-fashioned and gives big parties for other rich people and always makes Fern help with the guests, which Fern hates.
Fern's younger sister: Named Beckey, is about 8 yrs old and takes everything seriously and calmly. Annoys Fern greatly.
Fern's father: Age also unknown, very modern, helps Fern escape from the parties and sympathizes with her suffering when she can't escape.
Fern's older brother: Named Joey, 17 yrs old, very nice, is Fern's model of what kind of person she wants to be when she's older.
Here goes:
Chapter 1:
Meeting Fern
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"Fe-ern!" That was her mother yelling, first thing in the morning.
Today would be another party day. Fern groaned, then got up.
"Coming!", she yelled back, as she scrambled downstairs and got out her cereal before her mother could make her eat a 'more delicate' breakfast.
Her mother frowned, but made no comment. On what Fern was eating, that is. "Get dressed this instant!", she barked." Alright, alright!" A few minutes Fern was back, comfotably dressed in designer jeans and a t-shirt. " What are you thinking!?", her mother demanded, as soon as she came back. "Put on a proper dress. Now! And remember to do your makeup properly." Fern groaned, and reluctantly complied with her mother's demands. " I HATE dresses.", she mumbled as she went back to her room for the second time. " And makeup, too! It makes me look ridiculous!".
Finally,after about three more trips back and forth, her mother was satisfied. Just then, the guests started arriving.
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How is that? Please give me comments on what you think. This is one of my first stories, so I really want your opinions!
This is not a round robin story, I just want help, as this is my first story.
Jenjen
submitted by Jennifer T, age 12, Nowhere
(March 2, 2009 - 9:54 pm)
(March 2, 2009 - 9:54 pm)
It sounds interesting! It makes you want to know more about Fern and the odd parties.
(March 3, 2009 - 10:16 am)
Your writing is great! (both of you)
(March 3, 2009 - 11:43 am)
Thanks!
Um..........well,the parties. Fern hates them, mostly because of the old ladies.
They think that she is not a proper lady, young girls should be seen not heard, her attitude is shocking, etc.
And she also hates the parties because when she's stuck in the ballroom, Beckey goes in her room and reads her diary, messes up her laptop, etc. ( the laptop came from her father and her mother thinks it's a waste of space).
Fern..............thats harder.
She has dark brown hair, green eyes that sparkle when she gets an idea, and is your regular tomboy. She is very imaginative and daydreams a lot. She is homeschooled.
She doesn't really like her mother ( as you might have guessed), and is glad that her father is more modern.
I'm still drafting the next part, but when it's done I promise I will put it up here.
Your Friend,
Jenjen
(March 3, 2009 - 1:17 pm)
Nice! (Makes you wonder how much diverse people get married.) I like it, and it has a good hook (something I have trouble with). Can you post more? *puppy dog face*
Bellatrix, even if your writing stinks, I wouldn't worry much, just revise. And about what you were saying about looking at your writing at cringing at the cheesiness... DON'T I KNOW THAT FEELING TOO WELL. I'm like, "Oh how could I possibly describe something like that? How could I possibly regard that as suspenseful when a normal person would be all too painfully aware that it's incredibly stupid?!" My adjectives are typically interchangable with pathetic, sappy, unoriginal, Stephenie Meyer-esque (bad thing), stupid, uneducated, etc.
Just don't be too hard on yourself. Hard, yes. Too hard, no. Leave that to the editors.
(March 3, 2009 - 6:23 pm)
Thank you, Thank you!
*bows*
Um.........
I'm trying to figure out how to put 'The Boy' (aka 'Robin') into the story.
All I know so far is that he comes in during this party..........
but other than that I'm clueless.
* sits around waiting for inspiration*
Mary W, you know they say that opposites attract? ( and she just had to have a laptop, I know it's gonna be important later on in the story, and her mom wouldn't do it, so I made the dad more modern)Well, anyway, if both of Fern's parents were old-fashioned, Fern wouldn't be able to have all of the adventures in mind for her.
Here's one more thing that I do know.
This story is based in a parellel dimension where magic really exists, but either you are born whith good magic, bad magic, or no magic.
Unfortunatly, the bad guys are taking over the world, and Fern's role (and Robin's too) is to stop them from plunging the world into darkness.
(March 4, 2009 - 5:04 am)
It's really good. Just make sure that you don't introduce the magic unexpectedly. (ex.- far into the story- Fern groaned while her mother puttered about, wiping at her face, then the world opened up and Fern started flying!!) See? doesn't quite work. Make sure hints of magic are happening. But, that's just advice you probably won't need. t's really good! want to know more!
(March 4, 2009 - 8:03 pm)
Of course not!
That would be entirely ridiculous!
(March 7, 2009 - 6:40 pm)
Okay,I posted the above comment and the p got cut off. Just in case anyone was wondering. ;)
(March 11, 2009 - 6:53 pm)
Oh, I kinda guessed that, because your name is so cool and unique that even without the first letter I recognise it!
Maybe kinda like my fireandhemlock...........if I accidentaly put ireandhemlock would you recognise it?
(March 13, 2009 - 6:50 pm)
Thanks, Mary. But--what is that?!? You think YOUR writing stinks!?! NONONONONO!!! Weren't you the one who JUST THIS VERY INSTANT said not to think that?!? Hmm!?! :):D:):D And besides, it's better than mine. ;D
Anyway. Jenni: Yes yes yes! Could you post more? Please?! Pretty please with a cherry on top?!?
(March 4, 2009 - 9:50 am)
Why don't you both take Jenni's advice and not keep saying that your writing stinks? Because it doesn't.
(March 4, 2009 - 4:36 pm)
Thank you, Lena!
(March 4, 2009 - 7:52 pm)
No, no, no. I'm not saying my writing (or anybody else's) stinks. I'm merely stating that (and this is a good thing) sometimes we'll look back on things we wrote, say, last month, or a year ago, or when we were in third grade (etc.), and we'll sort of say to ourselves, "Gee, I can really see a lot of ways to improve that now that my writing skills have developed." Sometimes it also helps to actually look back a day later or so, and see how your words really look from this point of view.
If I sounded differently, then my apologies, that's not what I meant. (And you see, this is precisely what I mean- a day or so later I'm looking back at my post and saying, "Okay, I understand that my thoughts were a bit jumbled and I wasn't being completely clear about what I meant, and I understand how Bellatrix and Lena got a little confused."
Well, okay, typically my thoughts aren't that eloquent, but I'm paraphrasing here.)
(March 4, 2009 - 8:55 pm)
;D
(March 5, 2009 - 2:36 pm)
If you insist.......... OK
NEW CHARACTER!
Robin: last name name unknown, 14 yrs old, a mageborn.
Here goes:
Chapt. 1, cont.
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Fern was glad that the guests had arrived, because that meant her mother wouldn't be able to fuss at her anymore, but at the same time she knew it meant that she would be plagued by the usual old ladies. Why were her mother's parties so dreadfully boring?
All of a sudden Fern, who had been heading for the farthest corner, hoping to escape the old ladies,paused, bewilderment written all over her face. Something seemed wrong. Out of place, unusual, different. But what? She carefully scanned the room, her keen eyes taking in every detail.Nothing. No, wait, there it was again! it was a boy, about two years older than her, who had just come out from behind a group of guests. Her mother hardly ever invited anyone younger than 25,and now here, among the crowd, was a boy with hardly 14 years of age! Then she noticed the lady standing by his side. Mrs. Hemmings was one of her mother's best friends. Now she remembered her mother telling her about the boy. Sure enough, her mother joined them and beckoned Fern over to be introduced to 'the boy, as Fern was beginning to think of him. Fern, thisis Mrs. Hemmings' nephew, Robin. Robin, my daughter, Fern." " How do you do." Fern said politely, at the exact same moment the boy, no, Robin, said "Hello".They stared at each other, unsure of what to say next, then Robin, started laughing, which made Fern start laughing too. Fern's mother looked at them puzzledly, but, as they had company, did not scold Fern, and merely said, "Run along now, and try not to get in the way.", and waved them off. Fern led led the boy over to the far corner, ducking and weaving through the crowd of guests. When they got there, Robin looked around cautiously, then said in a voice so quiet that Fern could barely hear him," You're one of Us, aren't you?" .It was in a strange language, smooth and fast, yet somehow, Fern could understand it perfectly. Before Fern quite understood what he had just said, questions came flooding out of her mouth like a river of words. " Who are you? Why and how could I understand you?". He held up a hand, stopping her questions and cautioning her to be quiet. " Ther's too many of Them around. I'll talk to you later, under the big pine.Tonight." Then, without saying another word, he slipped into the crowd and vanished from her view before she could ask him how he knew of her secret hiding place.
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Hope you liked it!
be back soon; but what do you think will happen next?
(March 4, 2009 - 5:57 pm)