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I'm in Playwrighting
I'm in Playwrighting I right now. (and it's soooo awesome! :D) For homework tonight we had to write a scene, and I ended up with something that I actually really like and am considering expanding into a whole play.
Comments/critiques/questions/etc. would be much appreciated.
*
Lights up on a large, bare room. Aged floral wallpaper on the walls, one boarded-up window. Cardboard boxes and a black umbrella piled carelessly along the wall. Down right, a large wooden crate with several coffee mugs and a crumpled newspaper on top. ALICE, 19, sits on the crate, sipping from a mug while she rifles through a large purse. Now and then she consults her watch. Door slams offstage and seconds later BOB, 15, enters from the left. ALICE looks at him.
ALICE
(Very calm.)
You're late. How'd it go?
BOB says nothing, goes to the cardboard boxes and begins to rearrange them mindlessly.
ALICE (CONT.)
I asked you a question.
BOB
Don't feel like talking.
ALICE is taken aback. She puts down the mug and the purse and shifts on the crate so as to better see BOB.
ALICE
That bad, huh?
BOB
Hhn.
ALICE
So...?
BOB
Said I didn't want to talk.
ALICE
Fine. I'll call Charlie, then.
Beat. Neither of them move.
BOB
Don't.
ALICE
Why not?
BOB
...Because.
ALICE
Why not?
BOB picks up the umbrella and starts to play with it, swinging it around like a sword and making fight noises. ALICE goes to him, stands just out of range of the umbrella.
ALICE
Please tell me?
BOB
Ha!
He lunges with the umbrella as if stabbing an enemy through the heart. Holds the pose for a moment, then straightens and leans on the umbrella like a cane.
ALICE
Bob.
BOB
Alice.
ALICE folds her arms.
ALICE
I'm worried about you.
She moves forward, puts her arm around BOB's shoulders. BOB freezes.
ALICE (CONT.)
Bob...
BOB
I told you—
ALICE
(Glib)
Actually you didn't.
BOB
—I don't want to talk about it.
(Beat)
It went bad, okay? That's all you need to know.
ALICE moves back to the crate, sulks. BOB watches her for a moment, then goes back to playing with the umbrella.
ALICE
I went to the library today. It's the last day of their spring sale. All the books were set out in boxes—there must have been a hundred of 'em—with the spines all facing up. Dozens of books, all worn out with their covers broken.
Beat. ALICE sneakily checks for BOB's reaction; he ignores her.
ALICE (CONT.)
Some books were new. So shiny and clean, it was like they'd never even been touched. I looked in the covers to check the due dates. They'd been checked out once, twice, or maybe never. No one wanted them. No one bought them, either.
BOB
You buy any?
ALICE
Nah. No money.
(Beat)
How'd it go with Charlie, Bobby?
BOB drops the umbrella. Stands still, deer-in-headlights, then kicks the umbrella aside.
BOB
'S fine.
ALICE
Is not.
BOB picks up one of the smaller cardboard boxes and puts it on his head like a helmet. Strikes a heroic pose.
BOB
I could be in the army.
ALICE
Don't change the subject.
BOB
You did.
ALICE
I'm me.
ALICE jumps up on the crate, spreads her arms like she's preparing to conduct an orchestra.
ALICE (CONT.)
I'm the best bloody personage in this town! I do what I want.
BOB
You're not.
ALICE
Am too!
BOB
Nope. Otherwise you woulda bought some books.
ALICE
Shut up!
She jumps off the crate and stomps over to BOB.
ALICE (CONT.)
What happened with Charlie?!
ALICE waits for BOB to speak; when he doesn't, she whirls away and picks up the umbrella, turns it in her hands.
BOB
Leave me alone.
ALICE turns back towards BOB, jabs the umbrella at his face. BOB studies his shoes.
ALICE
You tell me right now!
BOB says nothing. ALICE lets out a frustrated scream, throws the umbrella at him, then storms off right. BOB picks up the umbrella as she goes, clutching it close to him with both hands.
BOB
(Small.)
That hurt.
ALICE (O.S.)
SHUT. UP!
BOB
What're you doing?
ALICE returns with a broken phone in hand. A foot or so of the cord dangles from the casing before coming to a ragged. ALICE dials.
BOB
Don't call Charlie.
ALICE smiles.
BOB
Don't call Charlie.
ALICE
I won't if you tell me what happened.
She lifts the phone threateningly above her head. BOB's face contorts with indecision and fear.
ALICE (CONT.)
(Triumphant)
Well?
BOB lets out a broken sob and runs off left, still clutching the umbrella. ALICE remains, bewildered and hurt. She looks at the phone. Drops it. Moves to the crate and picks up the purse again. Looks inside. Turns it over and shakes it out. Nothing. She throws it away in anger.
ALICE
Phone's never worked, anyway.
*
(The exact assignment, if you're wondering, was to write a scene with two characters, where character A states their objective in their first line, and character B states a directly contradictory objective in their first line. One character had to use at least three tactics to try to win, and the scene ends when one character wins. Mmmyep.)
submitted by TNÖ, age 19, Deep Space
(October 4, 2012 - 2:01 pm)
(October 4, 2012 - 2:01 pm)
What about Bill?
Spamster in his spamster cage is very rude. He says terd.
(October 7, 2012 - 1:16 pm)
Wow! I really like it *claps loudly*.
Also this is my first time to add a comment on Inkwell.
(October 6, 2012 - 3:38 pm)
Good for you Butterfly!!!
And TNO.... Wow, it's amazing just when it comes to names! I didn't notice the names' order, it's so subtle. When you are taking so much time with just the names.... then the whole story will be fabulous!!!!
Which it already is. How did you think of such good names? For a story I'm writing I still haven't decided on their names. Any advice?
And I like how the story's forming, it remines me for some weird reason it reminds me of Oliva Twist.
Will it be performed?
(October 6, 2012 - 4:29 pm)
Wow. This is amazing. You do get a certain feeling when you read it.
(October 6, 2012 - 4:11 pm)
AMAZING TNÖ that's really great, I wish I could write like you.
(October 6, 2012 - 8:33 pm)
This is really good! I love the story outline and Alice and Bob's different points of view. Good work! You're really good at this!
(October 7, 2012 - 6:42 am)
I like it. I think that the name thing is really clever.
Two things:
One: The first scene does not seem to match up to the second two--the tone is much different and darker in the second and third than in the first. In the first it seems like maybe BOB was going in for an interview or something that didn't go through. In the second apparently somebody dies (???) and Alice seems much less nice. The character change is a little disconcerting.
Second: Are they supposed to seem mentally disturbed....?
(October 7, 2012 - 3:50 pm)
Since this is TNÖ we're talking about, I'd place my money on yes. ;)
(October 7, 2012 - 9:34 pm)
...Yes.
In my defense, not ALL my characters are mentally disturbed. Just... most.
(October 7, 2012 - 10:53 pm)
I know, I know. But I didn't mean it in a bad way.
(October 8, 2012 - 11:32 am)
Soo....a fifteen-year-old with Downs tried to be kidnapped by his friend Charlie but his sister was jealous and called her police-friend on them? And said police-friend shot Charlie.
That is my current understanding of the situation.
(October 8, 2012 - 1:51 pm)
The penultimate scene.
*
SCENE FOUR
The park. There are picnic tables, a few trash cans, and a rusty swing-set, all just larger-than-life enough to be disconcerting. ALICE and BOB enter from the left, BOB still being led by his coat and holding the umbrella. ALICE tosses her empty cup in the general direction of the trash cans. They go to the swings. ALICE takes the umbrella and holds it over her head as she sits on one of the swings. BOB sits on the ground, cross-legged. He pulls a pack of old cards out of his pocket and begins to deal as if setting up a game for two.
ALICE
It's a nice day, isn't it?
BOB
It's raining.
ALICE
Only a little. It's fine.
BOB doesn't respond. He starts to play cards, miming as if there is another person playing with him. ALICE watches him pensively. DAVID, 20, enters from the right. He looks like a normal college student: casual clothes, backpack, books under one arm. BOB ignores him. ALICE smiles and waves.
DAVID
Hey.
ALICE
Hi, David.
DAVID takes the swing next to ALICE.
DAVID
I was wondering—
ALICE
Yes?
DAVID
What're you doing tonight?
ALICE
(Glancing at BOB.)
What do you think?
DAVID
Right. Tomorrow?
ALICE
Same.
(Beat.)
I'm sorry.
DAVID
It's cool.
Pause. ALICE and DAVID sit awkwardly while BOB's card game becomes more animated. ALICE suddenly stands up, newly resolved. She touches DAVID's arm and jerks her head towards the trash cans.
ALICE
Can I talk to you a minute?
DAVID
We were just talking.
ALICE
Alone, I meant.
DAVID shrugs and lets ALICE lead him to the nearest picnic table. They sit down on the table, feet on the bench. BOB doesn't seem to notice them leaving. While they talk, he continues to mime playing cards, getting more and more agitated the longer he is left alone.
ALICE
I need you to tell me what happened.
DAVID
What, this morning?
ALICE
Bobby won't tell me anything.
DAVID
I just drove him to the pharmacy and back. They filled his prescription. He seemed fine.
ALICE
He wouldn't tell me anything.
DAVID
I made sure he took his morning pills.
ALICE
You're a good friend.
DAVID
I wouldn't let anything happen to him. You know that.
ALICE
Like I said—
DAVID
It's not a good friend thing. It's a good person thing.
Pause. ALICE looks away.
DAVID (CONT.)
Alice? You okay?
ALICE
(Brave smile.)
It's hard. That's all.
DAVID
Right.
ALICE is about to say something when BOB screams in rage. He throws the cards and begins to kick, punch, and snap his teeth as if fighting off an attacker. DAVID runs to him and tries to calm him down. ALICE looks on, annoyed. Lights fade while DAVID tries to prevent BOB from hitting his head on the swing-set and ALICE calmly spins the umbrella.
*
@Saz: re: names: It depends on the piece for me. For this one, I decided to use traditional placeholder names for the two main characters (Alice and Bob), and then decided that continuing that trend would fit with the vaguely absurdist elements of the plot (which are there because sizeable portions of the play are told from the point of view of a mentally ill person). For other things, I will sometimes pick names that have meanings relevant to characterization (my Tom Gaunt fic is an excellent example of this—I am very careful about naming characters in that). In others, I'll pick names based on sound or cadence.
@Jess: re: mental illness: It's not Downs. Not telling what it is until after I finish the last scene.
Also, a point of clarification because I don't think it came across very well: In the first scene, Alice knows the phone is broken, but Bob does not, and Alice is fully aware that Bob believes that the phone works. Alice is not a nice person.
(October 8, 2012 - 3:15 pm)
Bob has a disorder of some sort, right for some reason I've been slow in getting that and I have no idea where this is heading, and as for names, I find they are very important too, and I try had to get good ones for my characters, but I'm not good at it. Any advice?
(October 9, 2012 - 4:55 pm)
Do we get the rest of it?
(October 18, 2012 - 12:06 pm)
Yes. ...As soon as I finish writing it. Last scene is about halfway done.
(October 18, 2012 - 5:57 pm)