I have mixed feelings about the "racism against Asians" thing. Mostly one part. the first thing is that besides obvious stuff like "police brutality is more important than cultural appropriation let's focus on that ok???" it's pointless and counterintuitive to rank trauma, so I do my best to avoid that. the model minority stuff is all correct. However, "Asians are given a proximity to whiteness which allows us to exist fairly comfortably in white spaces" feels slightly... off.

like, materially this is correct. (although i do find it interesting that the wage gap is so huge. Different Asian nationalities have wildly different averages of pay. I don't know enough about any of this to bring this to a conclusion, I just think it's interesting to note.)

However, i'm not sure we always do "exist fairly comfortably in white spaces", to be honest. a few caveats: i can't compare it to being anything other than what I am because I'm not that. Also, it honestly sounds like you might have comparitively more POC and specifically Asians where you live, if you have a taiko group and such, which could be skewing your perspective potentially. (i could be wrong idk) It's also important for both of us to note that we are mixed with white and I think both of us are kind of "in between" white and Asian passing, so that's going to skew both of our experiences towards more favorable (as far as racism goes, I'm not pretending that being mixed is fun). In addition I'm probably going to be heavily influenced by being disabled and queer. also, i am really bad at actually figuring this sort of stuff out (I never realized that the fact that (almost) everyone at orchestra is very clearly weirded out by me meant they were weirded out by me, i just never really realized that (and it's not bad, its just that every time someone gets put with me for an orchestra game (in the lower orchestra the conductor does a lot of games to teach us stuff, he's great) they are kind of like nervous or awkward and sometimes will talk to someone else instead)

All that said, again we have some advantages because of the model minority myth, like how we're not seen as dangerous in the same way. so maybe it's just the phrasing. and maybe you are just trying to point out those advantages? perhaps i'll let you explain what you mean before i say anything else. i'm not denying the advantages we do have, but i still can't say i would put it that way. 

also i know i talk a lot about like anime fans and stuff but i swear that's not the only racism i've experienced XD it's just the easiest to remember (I have no memory) because it's so prevalent online. also it just hurts so much for these people to take these things you've been hurt for and twist them into some edgy exotic trend. honestly i kind of don't mind when things get whitewashed because at least then it's less like that XD

but YES, it's great to talk to you about these things!!! 

Also thanks for the book recs, especially the second. I like ghosts a lot, and it's always better when it's queer! :P and wait, they're both mixed race?! That's so cool! i hope it goes into that, that'd be awesome. I've also noticed there aren't any white passing characters in books, which is sad because that sounds like a really hard position to be in, which i just find interesting; often authors write characters who are mixed (race) and white and they just read like monoracial characters I find. also you should read The Spirit Glass. Even though I still haven't gotten further it's stuck in my mind.

also i actually think the competition might go pretty well? My teacher really doesn't think the technical things are big and also she said they had improved a LOT, so that's encouraging. I got to rehearse in the church where they're having the competition and the sound quality was amazing. and it turns out it's awesome to play with accompaniment. I haven't ever done that before. luckily i've led chamber groups before so I know how to do that :D  

also it's cool that your aunt plays an instrument. is that why you play violin (like did you hear her and want to play or something)? 

I'm sorry if my last comment made it look like I think Asians are a privileged group in the U.S. That's definitely the opposite of the case, and I think I might not have expressed myself super well. By "proximity to whiteness," I was talking about how white people see Asians as more similar to them than Black or Latine people (or at least they believe they see Asians as similar to themselves, though their actions often prove otherwise). There are a lot of statistics on this. Instead of benefitting Asians, this supposed proximity allows white people to ignore blatant racism against Asian Americans. 

You were also right that it's important for me to acknowledge my privileges in this area. I don't think I face as much racism as monoracial Asians, partly due to where I live, my class, and the fact that I'm cishet, so my personal experiences are a bit skewed. Also my school is like 70% Asian (it's wild) so that affects my views as well. And your point about ethnic diversity was very true as well--Japanese Americans are in the middle of the average wealth/education spectrum of Asian Americans and my experiences are vastly different from those of a Sri Lankan or Vietnamese or Laotian American. Thanks for pointing those things out, because I don't think I was thinking about them as I wrote. :)

How are you planning to coordinate your cadenza with the accompanist? Are you going to play that part without accompaniment or write a piano part? Also, if you were willing to share the sheet music for it I would love to try to play it :D

My aunt plays the violin, and I think my mom wishes that she had had that opportunity (my aunt's teacher was super traditional and wouldn't let my mom start Suzuki at 10) so that's why I ended up playing the violin. I was 5 so I don't remember having a lot of say in it xD 

Thanks for explaining Lupine! That makes sense. Also your school is like 70% Asian!? That’s impressive XD And also that’s interesting about white people seeing Asians as more similar to them than Black or Latine people. It might explain why they get so weird about East Asian (especially Japanese and Korean) culture, or pop stars in particular (especially because most of those pop stars have had surgeries and skin creams and all sorts of stuff to make them look more white, which is a point that I can thank Silver Crystal for). I’m glad that i pointed out good stuff, I didn’t really fact check anything and also i kind of misread your comment so i was slightly freaking out (hence the deletion comment, which can be ignored). 

I will totally post the cadenza if you’re interested!! It’s in alto clef and so you’ll have to transpose based on fingerings (like just doing the same fingerings on a different instrument) or do an octave above, though, and it might sound a bit odd because it’ll be in a different key if you do it by fingerings (usually that works fine though). The cadenza is all solo. I didn’t know you could write an accompaniment part; that would have been fun but piano is really hard to write for XD

It’s horrible your mom couldn’t start at 10! That’s around when started learning I think… which is annoying because i’m way worse than i could be.

You should listen to more ballet music, and if you can it’s even better if you can watch the ballet too! Unfortunately recommending that sort of thing is hard because it’s expensive to find most of the recordings (you often need a subscription which can be ridiculous, or CDs which are also really expensive), and also it’s easy to find a badly done version and not like that. Some ballets actually don’t have a plot but I only like narrative ballets. And I don’t care about contemporary stuff as much usually. Let me know if you want reccomendations!

By good boba, I mostly mean that it’s cooked fully through mostly. And also it depends how soft it is, but that’s personal preference. But I’m glad that you like boba tea too - it seems like a lot of people have said they don’t like it on here. I really make most of it from scratch though, even the boba a lot of the time (since I can’t have gluten we always have tapioca starch because that’s a common ingredient in flours). I’d be interested in how your boba kit goes. I’m always suspicious about kits.

I like my tea very sweet but I can’t have much sugar without negative side effects so i usually avoid much sugar. You don’t actually have to sweeten it at all sometimes. It depends on the tea. If it’s a milk tea it’s more likely. 

I think we talked about YA vs MG earlier and I’m curious if you have more thoughts? I actually was discussing some things about how mental health is usually portrayed in YA with someone else if you’d be interested. I don’t think that YA is necessarily badly written as an age range but I do think it tends to focus on things that have shock value over things that don’t. I usually read MG though. To be honest I relate more to the characters. I strongly dislike looking down on age ranges or genres, though, because there’s never one that’s always bad or always good. 

And uhhhhh guess how the competition went. I’ll just get to it: i… won? like how?! It doesn’t really feel like i’m good enough but apparently I was???? Also it feels weird saying this because you can’t hear how I played so it’s like… idk. You have no reason to believe i’m good, I guess. Also you don’t see the amount of work i put into this. Also it just feels like i’ve been lucky so many times in a row, and also if I actually did an orchestra with more people/bigger city I probably wouldn’t so again it’s luck. But yeah. now i have to figure out how I’m going to do things when I play with the orchestra XD I hadn’t thought that was going to go that way so i didn’t even think about it.

I always find it weird how all the other people manage to do all the playing without, like, smiling (or bursting into tears but we try to avoid that XD) at the end though. And like, when other people get concertmaster/principal they just kind of smile a bit to themselves but I was like so excited… (and then I got principal second before that and I was crying because i wasn’t a first violin XD) I probably enjoy performing more than other people though. It’s just fun. 

Oh and i see now that you asked about the book! I transported Reshinerr into another book too :P I enjoy him… far too much and it’s totally not because i relate to him nope -

A bit about him: He’s 17 or 18 (which is notable because most of my characters are younger). He’s kind of a bundle of anxiety, and tries to escape that as much as he can. He’s a bit hard to describe without reading something from his POV… Also I really need to figure out his pronouns (he/him is what he was assigned at birth and I don’t think he dislikes them but i also think he doesn’t really like them, especially when he’s seen as a cis guy)… he’s nonbinary but he used to be cis male but I changed that because it pains me to have a prominent character be cis and gender-conforming XD although i guess he’s kind of like nonbinary gay guy as a gender idk. He kind of just doesn’t get gender because it’s weird :P But in the book I transported him into, basically he just has amnesia (since that fits with the plot). That book is a bit complicated to explain, but basically: Reshinerr has really detailed worlds with his stuffies, which are his special interest (he’s autistic because of course XD). Now he lives in a world with magical cloudlands. Basically, they’re like… it’s an expanse made of magical clouds that can change reality. Reshinerr has some control over the cloudlands, largely in that he can make his drawings into real life, more or less (there are still some sketched details though). and so he escapes into the cloudlands, where either the whole place turns into his world or he at least can have his stuffies and certain aspects of the world. Anyway he’s trying to find a wishing well that will let him stay there forever. I’m still working out some details though (mostly plotting). and idk if i explained this well, but i'll probably post bits on the CB for beta reading and such at some point if you're interested (though it's not that ready yet, i'm still in the "how the heck do i make a functioning plot?!" stage that i go through after writing a bit and realizing that it's all garbage :D)

CONGRATS ON WINNING THE CONCERTO COMPETITION!!! SLAY! Don't let the imposter syndrome get you down, I'm sure you deserved to win! I know you worked super hard for it. YAY!

I do relate to what you said about living in a bigger city--I was the concertmaster of my orchestra last year, which is the top youth orchestra in the city, but if I were in San Francisco or something I probably wouldn't even get into the youth orchestra. I'm pretty good for my age group in my community, but in the bigger picture...I'm not amazing by any means. Which, honestly, is fine. You don't need to be a prodigy to enjoy playing music ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Speaking of enjoying music, I've been struggling lately with what I want my music to be. I'm classically trained, which I'm grateful for because it builds a good foundation for playing well in most genres, but it's very rare that a piece of classical music makes me feel the things that my favorite indie music does. I've been learning the guitar to branch out into more poppy genres, and I do some Celtic fiddling, but nothing really feels perfect for me. I'm not interested in pursuing music as a career, but I want to do something with the 11 years of work I've put into being a musician. I'm just not sure what, yet.

YA vs. MG rant time! I've actually gotten more into YA in the past year, maybe because I've become less sensitive to some of the darker topics (though I still definitely avoid dark stuff). I mostly read middle grade, too, and I also find myself relating to those characters more; I can rarely relate to 16-year-olds in books. WAIT REALIZATION: neurodivergent problems???? *mind blown* wait that makes so much sense why did that not occur to me before--

There is a lot of variation in the level of maturity of MG books though. I'm thinking of compiling a list of upper-middle-grade books that I like (more in the 13-14 age range) because that's my favorite age range at the moment. (If you want it I will post it, but it's probably going to be very long, lol). I would also love to hear your opinions on mental health rep in YA! 

I love Reshinerr! He's such a unique character and I would ABSOLUTELY read a book he was in. And the cloudlands idea is just :O wow! Plotting is so hard though T_T It is definitely something I struggle with. I am like 40 pages into my novel and I still have barely any idea of where the plot is going. How do people do that T_T

Thank you for reading all this, Admins! 

Congratulations on winning the competition, Bobcat!  I'm so excited for you!  I understand that imposter syndrome feeling, but, like Lupine said, don't let it get to you — you know how hard you worked to get where you are!

I LOVE RESHINERR TOO -! XD He’s really hard to describe though so maybe I will post something he’s in on the Regular Writing Thread :D Idk if it’s that good but i like him a lot… like a lot… XD A bit more about him/co (I might try co/cos/co/cos/coself pronouns for him as well as he/him): he’s a really good artist (though he certainly wouldn’t agree). Co’s partially aloof/detached from people and partially very lonely and wants to be with you and partially really socially anxious in the “there’s something deeply wrong with me and i don’t want people to see me because they can always see it” and partially very joke-y and silly and it all goes together but it doesn’t make sense typing it out… a lot of cos anxiety he sees as fact so it’s almost less anxiety as resignation in a way but also not. Also he gets overly excited about trivial things that don’t matter (like, he made a joke about his boyfriend being a prince and then said boyfriend liked it (especially bc he’s trans so gender euphoria and also yeah nobody in my books isn’t queer basically) and now he’s made up whole stories and a ton of lore about it, as he does, and his boyfriend really doesn't care that much but Reshinerr thinks he does. and he just overdoes a lot of stuff a ton and it’s great. anyway.

The issue is, I want to be a professional violist/violinist… also i’ve been putting more work into viola because i’m probably going to do that through college but honestly i’d rather be a violinist. It’s hard because i like viola way better as an instrument, but violin plays better stuff… 

If you don’t mind saying Lupine, how are you neurodivergent?! There are a lot of things it can cover so i’m just curious, but if you don’t want to say that’s perfectly fine :D 

I’d love the book list!!!

So i have a lot of thoughts on mental health in YA but my main one at the moment is that people care too much about shock value. Like, first off every book that has abuse is at least on the “grittier, darker” side. (kind of usually the same forms also) and there’s nothing wrong with that by itself (though “smaller” forms should be cared about too) but… large parts are ignored. From elsewhere: “when a book about major physical abuse is all about any physical scars with minimal mention of feeling unsafe constantly or being terrified of touch [but perhaps ignoring it and being annoyed with yourself that you are because you shouldn’t mind any of this] or just being desensitized to it and barely caring and almost seeking it out because you're bored or a lot of "milder" symptoms, that's another thing that's kind of off a lot of the time (and there's a LOT of ways that can present, to be clear). *realizes the main issue* and i don't know if any of this makes sense, but this is more what i was trying to get at. When people can only care about the things with major shock value, things they would dismiss as being made up in real life. When those things with slightly more shock value (things that most people are like "i can't even imagine that!") only focus on the parts that are very engaging, and usually [make more sense to “normal” people and make characters more likeable rather than less.]” (side note but these books are also sometimes written by authors who are like “thanks to my parents for being amazing” in the acknowledgements which is probably part of the issue) also it’s usually certain disorders, usually stuff that’s anxiety/depression or close to it. I realize these books are still important, but it just annoys me. And also the culture around it often kind of glorifies it, if in a weird way - i don’t really know how to put it, but like… i get liking dark twisted mental health books but at the same time the way people talk about them isn’t always great.

That’s the only real mental health thing i have actually. But if we include autism in mental health (which maybe not a good idea but close enough) then i have even more problems. It’s just… everyone’s so normal. The autistic character I see myself most in is the one from some fantasy book that didn’t usually respond to questions and was always humming and was mostly an annoyance that the main character learned to tolerate. They weren’t a bad character, but the book handled them horribly (and they really only existed to be autistic. Like i get that autism is usually a big part of a character and can definitely “mute” other traits, but even then there will be differences and likes and dislikes and autistic traits themselves and such.) and it wouldn’t hurt as much if it weren’t for other things. Like, if I published a book about Reshinerr that was largely from someone else’s perspective, he would immediately be labled stereotypical and too childish and not what real autistic people are like. I based most of him on me. (for reference he's pretty noticeably autistic, very fixated on his special interests (i seem way less obssesive on here than i acutally am irl and can talk about a lot more stuff for some reason), as I said his special interest is his stuffies, speech issues (mostly simple sentences and gets "worse" at talking pretty frequently/that fluctuates), very very restricted eater, coordination issues that make life hard (like he always spills water on himself without a straw and often drops the cup and misses his mouth), that sort of thing.) With his perspective possibly less, but… there are people who were like “well this one (also good though) character wasn’t getting big things, but this character just had to ask if this person was asking them on a date and that’s more realistic” (it wasn’t quite as bad as that but somewhat. There’s a difference between saying that’s more relatable to you and saying it’s inherently more realistic). I don’t want to know what “kind of big things” are. Maybe something like sarcasm or something that’s… really hard… (i am sarcastic a lot but can’t tell when other people are XD) and that sort of thing happens over and over. i've never related to an autistic character in a book (that's not my own), at least not without also having a lot of problems with how they were written. and this is actually harmful too because like... my parents are pretty good with a lot of "harmless" things (like special interests to a point and liking things that are "young" for my age and such. also there's no way my dad isn't autistic, like as a kid he would barely eat anything and spent most of his time going over sports statistics I think XD) but when we get to special interests being a problem or meltdowns or not being able to talk they're... let's not get into that but it's not necessarily the best. and it's probably largely because they only hear from like... really low level 1 people.

None of this is to trivialize those experiences but i still hate it. If you have any thoughts, related to this or not, please say them! Also sorry this took so long to get posted.

Also why isn’t there lower YA?! Like there’s so much variety in MG like you said but so much YA is “higher” w/  like 18-20 year old characters (in fantasy at least). there are no 14/15-year-olds anywhere XD

I have OCD and General Anxiety Disorder, though both of those have been pretty manageable since I started taking prescribed anxiety medication. I'm also gifted (I kinda hate saying that because it sounds like I'm bragging so I'm sorry if that's how it came off, I promise that is not my intention) which is under the neurodivergent umbrella because it causes the brain to process everything differently. It's linked to a lot of other diagnoses (see: anxiety) because gifted kids tend to fixate on things more easily and understand deeply disturbing things about the world at younger ages. I don't completely understand it, but that's the best way I can explain it xD

Ugh, I absolutely agree about shock value in YA/adult books. It's hard to tell whether the author genuinely cares about the issue and wants to bring attention to it, or just wants to provoke a reaction. I guess the latter usually comes from authors who don't have experience with the trauma they want to write about, like you said, so it comes off very inauthentically. 

I agree, there should be more neurodivergent characters in books. I see a lot of queer & POC characters (possibly because I actively seek them out but whatever) but hardly any disabled or neurodivergent protagonists. And often disabled characters are written by non-disabled people who have a disabled kid or something, which is fine but I wish there was more authentic representation. :P

I loved hearing your background for Renisherr! Co's such a well-developed character, it sounds like he's someone you know in real life. (Tell me if I used that pronoun wrong, I have never encountered it before so I'm not sure of the grammar.)

I HADN'T SEEN YOU'D POSTED!!! will respond soon

I’m glad your OCD and anxiety are better with medicine :D I kind of have issues with both i guess??? Idk if i actually have either but it’s sort of like that. 

Also i’m very glad you agree with the shock value thing. Also you can totally care about an issue and still write something that’s bad. again, those books mean a lot to a lot of people, so i don’t want to disown that. But I still stand behind what I said. And i don’t want to force people to say if they’ve gone through the thing or not either, but still. Like… I know that a lot of those books are still important, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be issues. It just… it never feels like the author cares about anything other than those big shock-y things. And it’s usually specific things that they do care about. And the worst part is that nobody even cares about the gritty dark stuff in real life. People will read these books and be like “oh it’s so sad”, but they don’t actually care about helping people with addictions or mental health issues or who don't have enough money or whatever it is in the specific book. (though i’m specifically talking about a certain thing) It’s also partially that YA authors don’t want to make it too bad, so they kind of “split up” things. I think sometimes the way they try to keep it from being overly optimistic and unrealistic is by making it really gritty and just dark and then and overly optimistic and unrealistic in other ways that are less gritty XD I seriously don’t want to be that person who says we shouldn’t talk about that sort of stuff. But i also seriously think the way they’re talked about is a huge issue. 

I might post some Reshinerr stories and/or art at some point, especially if you’re interested :D I really like him heh. You used cos pronouns right, yeah. It’s hard to figure it out what’s right for co though. But thank you for trying. that’s really the most mattering. Also to be clear the amount that i struggle with the things i mentioned varies WILDLY but all of those are definitely a thing. I still don’t get why i can write literal books with relative ease, this varies, and anything remotely useful is often impossible though XD

Also! So there’s this local (an hour away) violist who’s a professor and she does this string camp in summer and i have done it for two years I think (it’s really good) and my teacher suggested that I got a lesson with her for the piece I’m doing with my orchestra after the concerto competition. Sooo that’s tomorrow and I’m really excited but also kind of nervous because the piece still isn’t quite where I’d like it. Technically that’s what this is for but still… she’s a really good violist and at something she actually was asking my teacher about me (like she was interested in teaching me at her college) so.  

Also i wish I was better… And i can’t help feeling like I’m not practicing enough, especially because I’ve been sick/tired lately (that’s a whole thing I won’t get into XD). And i kind of feel like i have too much of a life outside of violin in order to be a good violinist too, because i spend too much of my day doing other things. Anyway. *sighs*

I got a subscription to the Royal Opera House so now i can watch a lot of ROH productions online!!! ROH 2018 Swan Lake w/ Vadim Muntagirov (who’s especially superb) and Marianela Nuñez (who’s also superb to be clear) is the exact opposite of the 2006 (before I was alive XD) Paris Opera House one in so many ways. The set design especially. Paris Opera House is very simple set design, but the costumes “light up” the stage and the way it's done I might even prefer it. ROH is incredibly beautiful and elaborate set design. And ROH is a lot darker, too (particularly the 2018 version; Von Rothbart and the Queen are more scary and Benno feels less helpful than in the 2022 version, and also  Vadim Muntagirov does that better. also i just prefer him in general). Some of the choreography is different. Anyway I’m growing to like the ROH one a lot. I’ve also finally gotten to see Romeo and Juliet (Prokofiev’s ballet) and it’s so good!!!! It’s Anna Rose O’Sullivan and Marcelino Sambe as Juliet and Romeo and they’re basically my favorite dancers so that’s great.  

Have you been writing or drawing anything lately? If so, what? And just what’s been going on in general? Any craft-y things? 

Also I have The White Cat from Sleeping Beauty now! She's a Jellycat Carissa Persian Cat, and shes so cute. I don't have the right color ribbon to match the one in the ROH White Cat costume yet though :(((( i also got a Jellycat Bashful Woodland Bunny because to make a Red Riding Hood costume for (that's a dance in Sleeping Beauty too). 

okay that's all for now *posts*