Places to Chat
I have a
Chatterbox: Down to Earth
I have a
I have a problem, but I don't exactly know what it is.
It might be anger.
Mixed with anxiety
And maybe a little bit of depression.
Let me explain.
Since February, I have struggled with what I call anxiety. I haven't been diagnosed, but with my research, I have at least something close to that. More specifically, social anxiety. I'm scared of approaching certain people, scared of what they'll think of me, how they'll judge me, how our relationship, romantic or not, will be after. It mainly happens with people who i would love to get to know better. It mainly started with one girl, I think I've talked about her before, who I suddenly wanted to be super good friends. I thought she was the best. We already knew each other pretty well, and I wanted to keep it like that. But some weird thing happened and suddenly I felt so shy around her, wondering how she'll judge me. My words were a jumble whenever I talked to her, I felt so embarrassed. I wanted to tell her and apologize anytime for anytime I acted weird,but I couldn't. I knew our friendship would be different after I told her.
Then it slowly dispersed to other people. Just people for no reason in particular. I never told anyone, and lots of times I was so mad at myself for not being able to talk to them. I made a goal each day to talk to one of those people (usually that girl) and when I didn't, I always teared up whenever I left. I felt so angry that I couldn't do something as simple as having a conversation. So I slowly parted myself from everyone else. If I'm not around people, there's no way I could be judged for how I acted. I sat alone, rarely with friends, pitying myself. I think I was unknowingly hoping someone would come over and talk with me. Sometimes that happened. But not a lot.
So I began to feel lonely. (Duh Butterfly. If you isolate yourself, you won't have anyone to talk to. . . .) I know it sounds stupid, but I began to feel that no one loved me. I never felt in the right place. I wasn't outgoing enough, I wasn't loud enough, not like everyone else. And the sad thing is that my inner self is happiest when she is loud. But I felt like I already, I dont know how to say it, set the terms? Everyone already expected me to be quiet, because that's how I had been acting around these people for a year. If I suddenly changed to being loud, then sure, I would be happy, but everyone might think I'm. . . I don't know. Weird or something. I tried it once. I was outgoing for two seconds and everyone was like "Butterfly, chill." I wasn't even being that outgoing.
And this happened on here too. I felt the same way sometimes, like I didn't belong. I felt like I could disappear and no one would notice, and that's nobody's fault but my own.
It's gotten better. Slowly. I am more comfortable around that girl, I don't cry myself to sleep every night, I can talk to most people better. But sometimes the feeling comes back and I feel so so alone.
You guys are really one of the only people to know. I've told my best friend and my older sister, but I didn't really go into this much detail, and they didn't understand. They didn't get what life was like worrying over every last thing. I hope you guys do, but if not, that's okay.
I don't know what kind of a thread this is. I'm not asking for pity, but advice is appreciated.
I love you guys.
~butterfly ❤
submitted by Butterfly, age 13, Waving through a window
(November 1, 2017 - 12:32 pm)
(November 1, 2017 - 12:32 pm)
@Satin
Thank you for your kind words and advice! I know that I probably should tell someone, even though it's really hard, I just wouldn't know what to say, because I myself don't really know what the problem is. I'll work on it though! ❤❤
(November 4, 2017 - 11:00 am)
I have the same problem! I don't know why, I thought maybe it had to do with being a 'teenager' but I'm really not sure... I think partly it is because I'm self-conscious and I'm always afraid to mess up. Even on here, when I try to give advice I'm afraid that I will make someone feel worse rather than better. I'm afraid that I don't know enough and that I'm not a good enough friend. I'm too scared to keep a conversation with someone and I don't know what to do about it. I'm afraid I'm gonna mess up. I'm just afraid.
I hear you, Butterfly. I don't really know what to tell you...but telling us was a good step forward. Maybe try telling an adult, maybe your parents or a teacher? I don't know... I'm too shy to tell my parents and I'm homeschooled... I don't know how to put it into words to tell my friends... Sometimes I feel like the world is amazing...other times I feel like it's on my shoulders and there isn't anyone I can turn to... honestly, when I start thinking like that I try to go on long walks and see the beauty of the world I live in. I don't know if it will help you, but it helps me. Thank you for telling me, Butterfly...I know I'm not alone now, and I hope you do too... just smile, you are a free person and if someone doesn't appreciate that, then they don't deserve you. Just smile, pretty soon you'll find yourself relaxing and fitting in again. It might take a day, a week, a month. I don't know. Life is a work in progress where there is always room to improve.
I don't know where these words are coming from, or where they're going. I don't know why I'm writing all this... I don't know why I suddenly don't feel as afraid to face the world. I don't know... and that is OK!
You're never alone, Butterfly. Please, always know that you can turn to the people you care about, because they have allowed you to become close to you and they would always want you to ask them for help. It is the way human minds work. And so what if something changes? Like I said, life is a work in progress, and there is always room to improve. You are who you are, Butterfly... and I know that that person is truly amazing.
Go out and meet the world. You don't have anything to hide. You are a great, wonderful magical person. And whoever you meet in this big, wide beautiful world is blessed.
Be strong, and be the beautiful person you are. <3
(November 3, 2017 - 6:33 pm)
Also, maybe try journaling? It might not be for you, but I find that it helps me sort out my thoughts and feelings, and being someone who doesn't really like to share what is deep down inside of me, it is a really good way to let go of my feelings. Good and bad.
immerse yourself in things and around people that you love. If you love to dance, listen to uplifting music and dance your heart out. If you're afriad that people will see you... that is ok! But always know, that what people think doesn't really truly matter. Not the people who are friends with your friends friends. Sure, what your love ones think matters, but not what your four house down neighbor thinks. Dance your heart out. You'll feel so much better! Do things you love. It will bring you in touch with yourself and make you a happier person. You will glow like the brightest monarch butterfly in the bluest sky. Because that glowing never truly left. It was your confidence...but it is always shinning, somewhere inside of you. I promise. <3
(November 3, 2017 - 6:39 pm)
@Silverwaxwing
*hugs* Thank you for your advice, you almost made me cry at your beautiful words I'm homeschooled too, so I know how it feels to not be able to tell your parents. Im sorry that I have no advice for your problem, but I hope it gets better. Just hang in there. I've also found that when I sing and dance I do feel better, so thank you for reminding me to do that more often. Thanks again! ❤❤
(November 4, 2017 - 11:06 am)
*hugs back* You always are welcome to share anything with me, Butterfly. Thank you for being here with me. <3
(November 5, 2017 - 1:00 pm)
yq, I’ve been there. The awkward middle school years are the worst. What I’ve learned is that you just have to push through it, and push down all the wrong feelings. Of course you can’t do that all the time, or else you’d explode, so let all those feelings out through a sport, or activity that you can just let yourself go. Maybe writing or drawing in your case?
Besides that awful advice, remember that you are perfect the way you are, you shouldn’t change yourself from being, well, you, and to always love yourself. And others. And have close friends, life can get tough without a support, or many supports.
But we’ll always b here for you, remember that. <3
(November 3, 2017 - 11:22 pm)
@Claaws
Thank you for your advice and kind words! Drawing singing and dancing does help me, so I'll try to do that more often. ❤❤
(November 4, 2017 - 11:12 am)
First of all, Butterfly, you are loved and you do have friends, even if it doesn't always feel that way. I understand how you feel. Sometimes it can definately be a challenge for me to actually put myself out and try to connect to someone, but I'm starting to realize that people will reach out to you if you encourage them. Try not to think about all the ways something could go wrong or all the ways it could go right- just do it and deal with the outcome as it happens. I find that this tends to make me happier and less stressed afterwards.
Secondly, you are under no obligations to act how people expect you to. Do what makes you happy. If that's being louder, be loud. It might startle people, but they will quickly learn to accept it. Don't let their initial reactions hurt you- if they are surprised so be it. If being loud makes you happy then be loud. They'll get over it quicker than you might think, I've learned.
People's first impressions of me are of a shy, tiny girl hiding behind her hair. At first I just observe, listening to conversations and doing my work. Eventually I'll see a group that I like and I'll make more of an effort to talk and be noticed. The group will eventually grow to accept me and I'll feel more comfortable around them. That's when I force myself to say the things I am thinking, the things that are more than a little strange. Of course, I do get some comments (Wow, I wasn't expecting that from you.) but if I refuse to retract what I just said or did, I feel more comfortable around the people. Saying the things I'm thinking makes me feel more comfortable and happier, so I try to do that. It is hard at first, but gets easier as I get used to doing it. And I'm happier in the long run.
But if those unhappy feelings don't go away you may want to think about talking to a parent, counselor, or doctor about it. They honestly can help. Even if you just need advice, they'll give it.
People want to help, but you have to let them.
I really hope this helps, Butterfly. Good luck, and I love you.
(November 5, 2017 - 3:32 pm)
Im so sorry Butterfly. I dont know exactly what to say except that Im praying for you, and even if it feels like no one loves you sometimes, the God of the whole world, universe infact, loves YOU! And also, have you tried to talk about it to your parents? It can help alot to notto keep it in. We love you Butterfly!
<3 Tux
(November 5, 2017 - 4:48 pm)