I have a

Chatterbox: Down to Earth

I have a

I have a problem, but I don't exactly know what it is.

It might be anger.

Mixed with anxiety

And maybe a little bit of depression.

Let me explain.

Since February, I have struggled with what I call anxiety. I haven't been diagnosed, but with my research, I have at least something close to that. More specifically, social anxiety. I'm scared of approaching certain people, scared of what they'll think of me, how they'll judge me, how our relationship, romantic or not, will be after. It mainly happens with people who i would love to get to know better. It mainly started with one girl, I think I've talked about her before, who I suddenly wanted to be super good friends. I thought she was the best. We already knew each other pretty well, and I wanted to keep it like that. But some weird thing happened and suddenly I felt so shy around her, wondering how she'll judge me. My words were a jumble whenever I talked to her, I felt so embarrassed. I wanted to tell her and apologize anytime for anytime I acted weird,but I couldn't. I knew our friendship would be different after I told her.

Then it slowly dispersed to other people. Just people for no reason in particular. I never told anyone, and lots of times I was so mad at myself for not being able to talk to them. I made a goal each day to talk to one of those people (usually that girl) and when I didn't, I always teared up whenever I left. I felt so angry that I couldn't do something as simple as having a conversation. So I slowly parted myself from everyone else. If I'm not around people, there's no way I could be judged for how I acted. I sat alone, rarely with friends, pitying myself. I think I was unknowingly hoping someone would come over and talk with me. Sometimes that happened. But not a lot. 

So I began to feel lonely. (Duh Butterfly. If you isolate yourself, you won't have anyone to talk to. . . .) I know it sounds stupid, but I began to feel that no one loved me. I never felt in the right place. I wasn't outgoing enough, I wasn't loud enough, not like everyone else. And the sad thing is that my inner self is happiest when she is loud. But I felt like I already, I dont know how to say it, set the terms? Everyone already expected me to be quiet, because that's how I had been acting around these people for a year. If I suddenly changed to being loud, then sure, I would be happy, but everyone might think I'm. . . I don't know. Weird or something. I tried it once. I was outgoing for two seconds and everyone was like "Butterfly, chill." I wasn't even being that outgoing. 

And this happened on here too. I felt the same way sometimes, like I didn't belong. I felt like I could disappear and no one would notice, and that's nobody's fault but my own. 

It's gotten better. Slowly. I am more comfortable around that girl, I don't cry myself to sleep every night, I can talk to most people better. But sometimes the feeling comes back and I feel so so alone. 

You guys are really one of the only people to know. I've told my best friend and my older sister, but I didn't really go into this much detail, and they didn't understand. They didn't get what life was like worrying over every last thing. I hope you guys do, but if not, that's okay.

 

I don't know what kind of a thread this is. I'm not asking for pity, but advice is appreciated.

I love you guys.

 

~butterfly ❤ 

submitted by Butterfly, age 13, Waving through a window
(November 1, 2017 - 12:32 pm)

First off, we are here for you. You are not alone. I feel a need to tell you that you should always be yourself, and say whatever to what other people think, but I get that that can be difficult. I happen to be amazingly socially awkward myself and sometimes feel worried like that, and my advice is that you don't let it comsume you. Try to do something that makes you feel powerful and/or happy, or think of something to make you braver. I don't know. I'm just trying to be helpful through my weird knowledge of life. I hope you get over this!

submitted by Epic Fangirl
(November 1, 2017 - 10:44 pm)

TOP! POKE this to the TOP for Butterfly!

I'm not really good at giving advice, but I'm going to top this, say that I'm really sorry, and mention that if you disappeared off the CB I would notice and I would wait for you to come back, even if it took years. I feel the same way sometimes, about not belonging--on the CB, and in real life. I don't really know what to say, except that we love you. 

submitted by Leaftop!, age Top-teen, The TOP of the forest
(November 2, 2017 - 10:08 am)

Aw, thank you guys! Y'all are they best: I was instantly cheered up by your comments. ❤

(By the way I'm sorry if I sounded needy, I really just needed to vent to someone.) 

submitted by Butterfly, age 13, Fleet street
(November 2, 2017 - 1:18 pm)

I'm not the best at advice, but I'll try. 

I get social anxiety too. I can't talk to people that aren't my close friends unless they initiate a converstion with me, and I'm known to be really quite and closed off. There have been two people that I think would be really nice and that I want to be friends with, but I can't talk to them. I'm introverted though, so it doesn't bother me as long as I have one close friend around. But when I'm in a class with no friends, I can't just make new ones that easily. I don't know how to give advice on being able to talk to people more easily. But if you want to start becoming more loud and social, than I would suggest doing it slowly, or when the mood hits you. Your friends will get used to it.

As for the thing with that girl and not being able to talk to her, all I can suggest is to try not to put her on a pedestal. First of all, it might make her uncomftorable, but you will also find it easier to talk to people if you don't put them on pedestals. I'm sorry, I really don't know how to give advice for this because it is something that I struggle with too. But maybe it helps to know that you aren't the only person who does this? 

Also, maybe if you try describing what you are feeling to your family more in depth, it might help them give you advice. I once tried describing how sunsets give me anxiety to my family, but didn't do it well enough and they just got confused. 

submitted by GreenMango
(November 2, 2017 - 1:49 pm)

@GreenMango

Thank you for your advice! I will try to slowly be outgoing, because I'm pretty sure it will work. I hope your problem with making friends gets better. ❤❤

submitted by Butterfly, age 13, My happy place
(November 4, 2017 - 10:42 am)

Butterfly.

"Let that lonely feeling wash away.

Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be okay.

'Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand,

You can reach out, reach out your hand.

And oh, someone will come runnin'

And I know they'll bring you home.

Even when the dark comes crashing through,

When you need a friend to carry you, 

And when you're broken on the ground. 

You will be found."

I just want you to know that you are not alone. Why do you think you can tell us about this? Because, here, on the CB, we care about you.

I can tell from your description that you know the musical Dear Evan Hansen. Well, you're like Evan! You look on the world, but you're scared that you don't belong. Well, guess what; you do belong. You are so important to us, and I know you're afraid that you aren't doing anything right. And that's okay. There's more than one way to do life. And however you feel, you are not alone. Come talk to us! We love being around you, and you are a terrific person. As alone as you feel, we will always be here for you. 

I promise that we will carry you through your trouble.

Keep going. You can do it.

I believe in you. 

 

submitted by Brooklyn Newsie, age Top , Standing with Butterfly.
(November 2, 2017 - 1:59 pm)

@Brooklyn Newsie

Omygosh, thank you. You are so sweet (and I love that song by the way). I think that musical actually helped me a lot, so thank you for that and your wonderful words.❤❤

submitted by Butterfly, age 13, My happy place
(November 4, 2017 - 10:46 am)

I have the same problem! Only mine started with a boy.

submitted by .
(November 2, 2017 - 5:43 pm)

First of all, let me send you a giant virtual hug <33 Butterfly, I really hope whatever you're going through will improve. Hoepfully I can help at least a little bit, I have gone through periods of anxiety/depression like this, but fortunately for me, they're off and on. *gives you another hug through the computer screen*

A really important tip I can offer is to start small, with whatever goal you have. My friend once told me that you should make goals "small, concrete, and doable." Something I do is to focus on one area that you want to improve, and if it helps, make a list of all the things you want to achieve eventually. And I know self-pity/self-depreciation is often something you can't stop, but they are ways to fight it. It may not be an instant cure, but just trying to surround yourself with happy things can help at least a bit. I'd also highly recommend some form of physical exercise. It sounds silly, but I love sports because it just makes you energized and if nothing else is a distraction. Stay hydrated, get enough sleep, etc., etc. 

I think the first step to feeling less anxious is to accept yourself. That can be really hard, I know. When I used to get all panicky/self-depreciative, I used to just name things and colors around me, replay songs in my head, try to make a list of things I liked about myself... I don't know if this helped at all, but know that I would definitely notice if you left the CB. We love you, Butterfly! <3

submitted by Bluebird
(November 2, 2017 - 8:03 pm)

@Bluebird

*hugs back* Awww, thank you Bluebird, you are so sweet. Yeah, I've been trying to make my goals smaller, and sometimes it works. But other times I don't accomplish it, and I feel even worse at myself for not finishing something as small as that. So I'll try to make the goals even smaller, then work my way up. :) And I'll also try that trick with the lists, as it might help. 

Thank you again Bluebird. ❤❤ 

submitted by Butterfly, age 13, My happy place
(November 4, 2017 - 10:55 am)

I have a similar problem...

So it kinda started at the beginning of the school year, but I ignored it. But now I feel really uncomfortable going to school, so I end up dropping behind on school work, which also stresses me out. I'm uncomfortable going to school because I'm afraid no one likes me and they just think I'm clingy and annoying. When I do go to school, I feel stupid and ugly, and like I amount to nothing when compared to other people. I usually end up in the nurse's office, because I can't concentrate because of my stomach hurting. I talk way less then I do regularly, and people ask if something's wrong, but I just say that I'm fine. I also find I'm eating less, just picking at my food. I've never really told anybody about this, so I feel strange telling you guys about this, but I know I can trust you guys.

submitted by Clockwork Sparrow
(November 2, 2017 - 10:27 pm)

Aw, Butterfly. Although I don’t know you personally, I think you’re an amazing person. We will always be here for you, but we’ll also be here for the true you. Don’t try to fix everything, because those who love you love you for who you are. And don’t worry, all of us need to vent sometimes. ^^ 

submitted by Doctor Who?, age The 13th, The Blue Giraffe
(November 3, 2017 - 6:24 am)

Hey, Butterfly, I'm not really good at advice or stuff either, but I'm here. Hoping everything works out. 

submitted by coyotedomino, age 14, the Wood, Omniverse
(November 3, 2017 - 3:05 pm)

@Doctor Who?

Aww, thank you! You are so sweet and thoughtful. If I have any more problems I won't be afraid to rant to you guys on CB. ❤❤

submitted by Butterfly, age 13, My happy place
(November 4, 2017 - 10:58 am)

Butterfly, you're not alone. We are here for you on the CB. I don't really have much advice for you because I'm bad at advice. I think you should take to a parent, school consuler or other adult about this, I know it might seem hard to do, but they will be able to help you get through this.

I'll be praying for you. <3  

submitted by Satin, age 12, The Dance Studio
(November 3, 2017 - 1:24 pm)