Places to Chat
Asking for Help
Chatterbox: Down to Earth
Asking for Help
Asking for Help again
Well... I actually have a lot of things, and I decided it would be best to combine all these into one. I feel like I ask for help too much, and yet don't give enough in return, so please do forgive me. But I'm going to drop off a few rants that maybe you can help lead me through:
Now onto my newest set of issues. Anger, frustration, impatience. No, more than that. A freakish quality. Something isn't normal about me, according to society. I know they are wrong, everyone is unique. But I know I am at least very unique, and it is almost sickening. Not that I am, but that... that-I don't know. I don't understand if I like the idea or not. Yet sometimes...
Well, I lose it. Mainly at siblings, because they are all younger than me (there are 4 of them) and it drives me insane. The whole rule of sharing everything is good, yes, but annoying. I keep my most important things high on my shelves that wrap my room, but even then people get into stuff.
I am very OCD about certain things, like colored pencils being color coordinated by shade, descending, all the same length in sharpness, so forth. At night, I put the battery back into my Chromebook, unplug it, wrap up the cord and put that in a box, and put my Chromebook on my dresser with my small sea turtle statue on top. I have to do things a certain way or else I freak.
And might I add I hate clutter? Can't do anything about that with four little siblings. Otherwise, I'd be a clean freak, everything perfect. Must be perfect. Little people near me walking freaks me out. I can't move, it's like being suffocated in a wall. Stepping on boxes that they have tossed on the ground makes me beyond agitated. Not agitated, but almost fearful.
If my music glitches and stops for a millisecond, I feel like pulling out my hair, because I plan everything to go smoothly. If it doesn't, it throws off my schedule that doesn't really exist.
Cleaning up after little kids is awful, it means crumbs on counters and tables, bits of food on the ground. I freak, again, because of the texture and shape. Partly goes into the reason why I wear socks always. Don't feel the texture, unless it has a hole in my sock, in which case I freak even more. Not like angry, but I get frustrated and panicky.
Back to crumbs on counters, I have to use objects around me to sweep them off into a bucket. Because crumbs in my hand make me almost want to cry. Can't touch them, can't sweep them into my hand.
So when that's out of the way, I often scrub the counters until my hands are sore, scrubbing off coffee stains that won't go away, bits of dust that fall from the sponge, etc. Until I know I have to stop because there are more important things to do.
Oh, and don't get me started on certain sounds. I can stand perfectly fine - usually - as a train roars past five feet away from me. If I am off on a road over, I often cringe and cover my ears, because I can't see it. High pitch sounds that we can't hear, or just barely, make me want to cower in a corner and not come out. People in school used to do high-frequency apps as pranks to disrupt class, and I had to do everything in my power not to cover my ears, crying in pain and frustration.
Mind you, I'm 16. I'm not supposed to be affected by these things...
So what on earth is the issue here? I keep on saying I have Asbergers because that matches so much more. My struggles in math yet excelling in English, my perfect memory of pictures and places (I can recall the exact location of almost every building in my town and what it looks like), and the way I interpret the world. I'm different. I don't need someone telling me that. My parents used to think I have Asbergers, but now they refuse to say anything because they don't want to label my life as "incapable" or "stupid". I'm not. Literally, meet me in person and one of the first things you'll notice is my eyes. Never fails, I don't have many beauty qualities but girls and boys alike always comment about my eyes. Not just the color, but that it's this look. A look I give people, a look when I analyze something, like this little fire in an ocean.
A fire that certainly won't die out.
So what am I supposed to do? What can I do? Like I said, it is not socially acceptable for a 16-year-old to act this way. I get panic attacks about these things, even thinking about it. I have gotten good at masking these around people, but it has slipped up a few times.
No wonder everyone calls me a freak.
Or at least, gives me the look as if I am one.
submitted by Ashlee G., age 16, The Future
(June 2, 2017 - 11:51 am)
(June 2, 2017 - 11:51 am)
I'm sorry Ashlee. I truly am. I know what you mean about the sounds, too. I don't know what to tell you, but I definitely don't think you ask for help too much. Everyone has things that they have a hard time with, and everyone has things that they are really good at. That doesn't make certain people better than others, because even if they seem perfect, they're not. Nobody is perfect.
I want you to know that no matter what people say about you, you can always come on the CB and rant to me. This is also kind of random, but for some reason I have always pictured you as the big sister on the CB. That doesn't really make sense, and is kind of weird, but yeah....
(June 2, 2017 - 4:12 pm)
Also, I love this quote:
Everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will spend it's whole life feeling stupid.
-Arghhh, I can't remember who this is by.
(June 2, 2017 - 8:31 pm)
I believe that was Albert Einstien, but let me check... yup, Albert Einstien. It's a great quote.
(June 3, 2017 - 8:24 pm)
Oh, thanks for checking.
(June 3, 2017 - 10:46 pm)
Thank you so much, Crookshanks! I know I can always turn to you no matter what. At first, I was afraid this thread might not show up for some reason, and so I continuously kept on checking. I guess you are right, no one's perfect. I just have to take a deep breath and let it all out.
And I don't find that weird, I've heard people say that before. It is good to know I have someone to lean on, thanks, Crookshanks! Couldn't do it without you. Also, I love that quote, it reminds me of a lot. A lot of what I fight for, a lot of what I believe in. So thank you for the reminder.
(June 2, 2017 - 10:13 pm)
Hi, Ashlee. l was thinking of you all today, and poked around a little and thought l'd add my two cents.
l mean...haven't we all wondered if we're normal? Normalcy is subjective and doesn't have much of a meaning, so you go make your own normal. Social norms, too. They're so dang fluid and ever changing. Honestly, who cares? l've been socially unacceptable my whole existence, just because of my huge family and my upbringing. l'm very Catholic and very politically incorrect as l have *gasp* controversial options on controversial things! How dare you bring up religion, or how dare you think x about y because that's just not socially acceptable! You can't say that, or you can't think that! You can't act like that!
...who cares. It's okay not to be perfect, or not to be what people expect you, or snap at your siblings, or whatever. Maybe it isn't normal behavior, but it's your behavior, and maybe you aren't normal so you don't need to act like a normal person. All geniuses are freaks because to be different, to change the world, you must be different than society, to change it.
Annnd...no matter how much of a freak you are, or how broken or messed up, you're are human in the end, and we are not perfect. We're all messed up, honestly, even if someone seems to have everything together, they're probably as messed up as you.
Cheers, and best of luck. l really hoped that helped/actually made sense. You got starlight in your soul, girl :D
(June 2, 2017 - 4:27 pm)
Aww, your comment made me smile and cry at the same time. I haven't seen you around for a while, so that alone boosted everything so much better. And it made me so beyond happy knowing you actually have been thinking about me today. I mean, who does that? It's really sweet, lifted my mood even more. But what you said... Wow, I cannot thank you enough, Shadow Dragon. Absolutely, you are so uplifting in what you said.
Maybe I do need to make my own "normal", maybe that is what I am missing. Living my life below societies' standards instead of the top of my standards. I know how that feels, coming from a large upbringing.
Along with everything you said, the part about geniuses really means a lot to me. I'm someone who wants to change the world, but I've always felt as if my abnormal qualities would keep me from ever getting that far in bringing about change. You're right, though. The best people who change the world change it by being different. Not being like everyone else.
And that last part, just amazing. I never really thought about others being nearly as flawed as me. All I saw was little shards of my mind gone in a flash, shattered like a vase knocked over or a puzzle dropped onto the ground. I fill in these missing gaps with certain things like fantasy and daydreams, sometimes nightmares, anger, and frustration. Regardless, the glue never holds and I find myself just as hurt and broken as before.
But maybe that's the point.
Maybe you are right, and we aren't meant to be perfect. Thank you so much for telling me this, Shadow. It's exactly what I needed to hear. And might I say? I think we all miss having you around.
So thank you so much, Shadow Dragon! You've got a fire in your soul, if I ever knew one for being so kind and uplifting. Couldn't do it without you!
(June 2, 2017 - 10:23 pm)
So happy l could help :D l miss you, too. l'm on the YWP classroom as Spiderling, if you ever wanna talk about anything, anything at all :)
(June 3, 2017 - 11:28 pm)
Awesome, glad to know! I am OceanWolf01 on there, so I might reach out to you time to time :D
(June 4, 2017 - 11:37 am)
Hi, Ashlee.
I know how you feel, about the OCD. I guess I have it too; reading your explanation on how it feels basically defined how I feel about certain things. I don't have it very bad, but I do have it a little bit.
It happens when I type--my left pinkie finger has to press a key every few words or...well, you know how it feels. It gets restless. Thankfully I get to press the shift key a lot... When I sing songs in my head, I have to move my feet a certain way. It kind of makes getting around hard...especially when I'm feeling cheerful and in a singing mood.
It's kind of an unshakeable feeling. There's no way to stop it, because resisting makes it worse. Is this how it is for you?
The best thing, I think, is to resist anyway. Turn your mind to something else and completely ignore what's going on. I mean, it might just make things worse at first, but eventually, maybe you can train your mind to ignore the annoying details.
Also, just remember this comforting fact--that God made you the way you are for a reason, He has a plan for you, and He loves you and is always there for you when you need comforting.
I'd better post this now 'cause it's my bedtime. I'll be praying for you, Ashlee.
(June 2, 2017 - 9:23 pm)
Thank you, so much, I really appreciate hearing this from you! I actually am a lot like this but with touching things. I have my Homecoming dress hanging above my desk because I've got nowhere else to put it. And I love touching the silk, but if I touch one hand, every single finger has to touch it, and then every single finger on my other hand. Otherwise, I am left with this little tingling feeling that is almost painful, I want to scream feeling it. Same with my dreamcatcher, I have to have every single angle of every single finger touch it otherwise it is not right. So stopping is not at all right, just painful. But I know I need to do that. You are more than right, I need to resist the tendacies to get all that everytime perfect.
And thank you so much, I always need that reminder that God made me this way for a reason. Maybe it'll help me in my quest to change the world. As it is, being this way has helped me on so many levels relate to a friend - or actually, more than one friend - who struggles with the same things. Because of my faults and issues, I've brought out the best in some other people too. So you are right, God made me this way for a reason. I just have to trust Him, close my eyes, and know He will lead me in the right direction.
Thank you so much again, Micearenice! I sometimes wonder what I'd do without the CB, without you, and without everyone else. You are my reminder of all things wonderful, keeping me aware of who I am and what I am to become. Thank you so much, I cannot thank you enough! This is exactly what I needed to hear.
(June 2, 2017 - 10:36 pm)
I'm sorry, Ashlee. *hugs you through the computer screen* I kind of suck at advice but I guess I'll try to help.
Things like clutter don't affect me like they affect you, but I know for sure that they affect me- for example, when I drop a pencil on the ground and don't pick it up, it's like it's nagging at me, I can't fully focus on anything else until I pick up that pencil. Maybe anxiety has something to do with it. One thing is for sure, though- you are not a freak. I'm not really familiar with Asperger Syndrome, so I can't really help you there, but I did read a book a while back about a girl who had it and OCD called Rain, Reign. I'd recommend checking it out if you can.
We're here for you, Ashlee! *hugs again* You can always rant to us, and I agree with Crookshanks- you're like the big sister of the CB. We love you!
(June 2, 2017 - 11:01 pm)
Oh! Yes! I read that book and of was really good. You should definitely check it out.
(June 3, 2017 - 5:30 pm)
Ashlee, I think that being different is really cool, and it's a gift. I mean, that memory thing is amazing. Your art is amazing. Your philosophies are amazing. But if your differences make it hard for you to live your life, which it sounds like maybe they do, you can get help. Maybe try talking to your parents again, because it sounds like they just don't want to upset you with the idea that you're "incapable." Maybe tell them what you told us, how you know you're not incapable, you just want to talk to them and get help.
Also, I don't think I have what you have, but sometimes I'll be riding the subway and all of a sudden I'll get these little twitches, and they turn into being really annoyed and then I have to move and I'm yelling in the middle of all these people "I'M SO ANNOYED!" Recently I realized that what happens to me is that I get a little annoyed, and then I get scared and more upset because I'm worried people will think I'm crazy, so then I act crazy. So I know your angry-panicky feeling. I also get panic attacks sometimes. My neck tenses up and my heart races and I feel really sick.
In addition, (hehe I'm gonna use real transition words, look at me!) It sounds like you could have OCD. I'm not sure if you were serious when you said, "I am very OCD about certain things," but I think maybe you could be. Things like the cleaning and "everything has to be perfect" and getting upset when anything feels off are kind of symptoms of OCD. And there is treatment for it, if you want that. I would suggest talking to your parents and convincing them to talk to a doctor.
Also, I think that more people are like you than you realize. You aren't a freak.
P.S. I hope I'm not being annoying. I don't know that much about your family, or OCD, so don't look to me like I really know what I'm talking about. I'm just trying to remember everything I've read about the subject.
P.P.S. Just from reading your writing on the CB, I can tell that you're amazing and very gifted in the areas of writing and thinking. All of your writing is always interesting and flows really well. Nothing is ever akward. Furthermore (more transition words, yay!), I love how you always respond to my comments on your posts and take me seriously. I'm very grateful for that.
(June 3, 2017 - 6:44 am)
Oh Ashlee, you are not a freak! Honestly, it's an expression that many people use, but everyone is different. Certain things freak me out too, likes if something isn't coordinated. Plus I get how annoying siblings can be UGH. But this isn't about me.
Listen. What qualities you have make you you. I don't think you're a freak, I think you're just detail oriented. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm the opposite (I'm actually quite messy and I'm trying to change that), but I learn that when the area around me is neat, I tend to concentrate better, so I think that it's not bad that you organise things the way you do.
As for things that annoy or freak you out, just take a deep breath and figure out how to fix the situation. If you can't, then try to do something else so you don't have to focus on the one thing that will drive you crazy. For instance, sometimes I'll listen to music while I draw, and sometimes I'll use a video. Well, I absolutely cannot STAND the commercials between songs or even in a song. But I take that small break to either sit back for a second or finish a bit of shading. So don't focus on what you hate, but instead find something else to distract yourself from that until it passes over. I know I may not be much help, but this is what I do.
Although I don't know you in person, you are one of the nicest and most caring CBers I know. I think that you are unique, but in all the right ways. You're creative and funny, and there can never be another Ashlee G. I'm glad that you are who you are, and I think that you should be too.
You go, girl! ^^
(June 3, 2017 - 1:04 pm)