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A Confession of
A Confession of Sorts
So, if you've talked to me at all, you'll know how I've discussed my beautiful state of mental health a few times.
I wanted to clear a few things up.
ADHD
Yes, I do have ADHD, but I do not have an official diagnoisis. When I had IQ testing, the psychologist said I have ADHD, but it wasn't part of the officail Eval, so... yup.
It's hard a lot of the time, and it also leads to something else.
DERMETILLOMANIA
Sorry, I'm in a rush, I didn't spell that right. So, dermetillomania is this obsessive compulsive condition where you pick at your skin. My case is pretty mild, but it means I rip the skin off my fingers until they are in shreds. They bleed constantly, and if I have band-aids I usually tear them off.
A coping method I've found is spreading liquid glue on a hand, letting it dry, and then peeling it off.
Part of the reason it developed was my ADHD, and I needed an outlet.
IMPOSTER'S SYNDROME
Basically, I struggle to feel confidence and realize things I do are good.
ANXIETY
I get stressed over stupid things, and I have a memory that just goes over and over and over situations. I'll be in my house alone and get anxious because I start worrying, "Oh, shoot. Mum and Dad are going to get in a car accident with a drunk driver who will turn out to be a relative that had just murdered my little sister's best friend."
And those thoughts get obsessive.
HYPOCHONDRIA
More, speciffically, my anxiety becomes hypochondria. Ever since I was about 6, I always get irrational fears of diseases, get convinced I have them, and it's super stressful.
And I'm scared of telling people. So.. that happens.
The first major time it happened was in kindergarten when my grandmother was explaining a brain tumor to me, and I had a headache for a few days and then was so scared I had brain cancer and was going to die.
And there was a period when I was so, so scared of cancer tha I would go to bed crying.
A few weeks ago, I was in constant fear of heart attacks, and I spent hours and hours researching what I knew I didn't have, but still thought I had.
Heartburn, shortness of breath, and muscle soreness can all be anxiety smptoms, but also heart attack symptoms.
Today, I had back cramps, and I knew why I had them, and I still was stressing because I thought I had a kidney infection.
The thing is, I never tell anyone about stressing, because I know I'll get over it.
There are so many other things, like Celiac's disease, pnenomnia, and so many other things I've stressed over.
AND FINALLY.... DEREALZATION
This is an anxiety symptom I have once in a while that makes you feel like your life is a movie or you are fake or you're dreaming, and let me tell you... It's so unnerving. I'm in the middle of the worst episode I've ever had, and I've been praying and praying and praying, and it's starting to feel better, but I basically feel like I'm completely disconnected from my body.
Weird.
ANYWAY...
The worst part is that I feel like I can't tell anyone about most things. And I'm HAPPY, most of the time, but it stinks to keep it bottled up.
Thanks for reading :)
submitted by S.E.
(September 5, 2016 - 6:52 pm)
(September 5, 2016 - 6:52 pm)
Hey, S.E., it's okay. (I actually knew what Dermatillomania was before this- there's a short film I watched. But I can't remember it's name!) I have anxiety too, but probably not as bad as you all. I haven't actually had an anxiety attack (yet), but in social situations I feel the need to get away as quickly as possible. And after I stress like crazy. Also, I watched this documentary on the Black Plague when I was like, 6, and completely freaked out about all kinds of diseases for three years. The Ebola outbreaks scared me to death! So I know what it feels like. I don't really have derealization, but every so often it just seems like I can't believe that I am who I am... it's hard to explain. It's like I'm looking at myself from someone else's POV. It's not really the same, but...
Thank you for sharing with us- it does help to tell other people, doesn't it? Remember, if you ever need to talk, we're all here!
(September 10, 2016 - 10:14 am)
Whoa. Just whoa. That's a lot you have to handle, S.E.. I actually- it's weird, derealization. I actually get that. Sometimes I'll be doing something perfectly normal, and then I'll feel like I'm floating away, like I'm watching my own self do the things from a few feet away and don't have any control over it... I always freak out if that happens. One time, it was especially bad... I was crossing a street by myself. I live on a busy main street, not in one of the back neighborhoods. So I was crossing, and then I got that feeling, and I started panicking because there were cars coming on both sides and I couldn't 'connect' back to my body and my logical sense. Thankfully, the cars stopped, and I made it safely across to the other side, and the feeling went away after a minute. Phew for that.
Annnnd... emoji cats! I figured out how to get other emojis on...
(September 10, 2016 - 12:19 pm)
Okay, the emoji cat's didn't work. *Sigh* Back to the drawing board.
(September 11, 2016 - 12:56 pm)
You must be a very strong person to deal with all that. I'm really glad you trust us enough to share that. *hugs*
I have ADD. I take a medication to help with it, which could technically expell me from school because I have to take it during school hours. Oh, well. I have to be sneaky. Some things that help me focus are getting up and doing something active, like gymnastics, or just switching what I'm working on.
I believe that G-d has a reason for everything. In Hebrew the term is Gam zhu li'tova which means 'Also this is good'. Remembering that helps me when I feel overwhelmed by everything.
You are a wonderful, brilliantly smart person, S.E. and I hope this helps.
(September 11, 2016 - 2:08 pm)
I'm so sorry, SE... I hope you're OK! I myself have a bit of a problem... I don't know if it has a name, but I compulsively bite my hand. My left hand specifically.
(September 12, 2016 - 10:28 am)
S.E, we love you, and if you ever need any help, ever, we will be here to help! You are wonderfully strong, but we're still here for you!
A friend from chat~
(September 12, 2016 - 12:09 pm)
Thanks so much!
(September 14, 2016 - 6:27 pm)
S.E, you are an incredibly brave person, to go through all this and still be sane. Last summer..... Well, last summer was pretty aweful, and I think I can directly relate to Applejaur on this. I've actually never met another person who has something that sounds that similar to what happened to me.
Have you ever had butterflies in your stomach? Well, imagine that, except vamped up to pure terror mode. When your not even terrified. It's like there's adreneline coursing through your veins, except nothing to be scared of. So then, your brain has to find something to obsessively worry about. I'm not even going to name some of the things my brain found to be terrified over. But I literally felt sick. My entire vacation was ruined by this, as was most of the rest of the summer. But THANKFULLY, I tried not having dairy for a while. Then, I started feeling better. Now, I just avoid large amounts of dairy products, and when I do happen to feel panicky, I just take some deep breaths, and tell myself anything my mind attaches itself to to panic about doesn't matter. And I know that you can't do that, and I respect you immensely for coping with it all so well.
Also, one other thing. I've been having this weird thing where it's as if I'm performing for someone, everywhere I go. Like someone's watching me, like I have to act for some invisible cameraman. It's REALLY WEIRD, and I'm not sure if it's derealazation, but it's honestly changing how I act. It's like, even when I think, or even when I write this (or anything), someone is silently narrarating for part of a movie. It's really weird, and driving me nuts. And it's been going on for oh..... A few weeks? A month? I dunno. Like I said, it's weird.
(September 12, 2016 - 6:17 pm)
Yes, exactly, on the vacation part.
My friend has that same feeling, like someone is watching all the time. It causes her to constantly feel embarassed.
(September 14, 2016 - 3:38 pm)