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A Confession of
A Confession of Sorts
So, if you've talked to me at all, you'll know how I've discussed my beautiful state of mental health a few times.
I wanted to clear a few things up.
ADHD
Yes, I do have ADHD, but I do not have an official diagnoisis. When I had IQ testing, the psychologist said I have ADHD, but it wasn't part of the officail Eval, so... yup.
It's hard a lot of the time, and it also leads to something else.
DERMETILLOMANIA
Sorry, I'm in a rush, I didn't spell that right. So, dermetillomania is this obsessive compulsive condition where you pick at your skin. My case is pretty mild, but it means I rip the skin off my fingers until they are in shreds. They bleed constantly, and if I have band-aids I usually tear them off.
A coping method I've found is spreading liquid glue on a hand, letting it dry, and then peeling it off.
Part of the reason it developed was my ADHD, and I needed an outlet.
IMPOSTER'S SYNDROME
Basically, I struggle to feel confidence and realize things I do are good.
ANXIETY
I get stressed over stupid things, and I have a memory that just goes over and over and over situations. I'll be in my house alone and get anxious because I start worrying, "Oh, shoot. Mum and Dad are going to get in a car accident with a drunk driver who will turn out to be a relative that had just murdered my little sister's best friend."
And those thoughts get obsessive.
HYPOCHONDRIA
More, speciffically, my anxiety becomes hypochondria. Ever since I was about 6, I always get irrational fears of diseases, get convinced I have them, and it's super stressful.
And I'm scared of telling people. So.. that happens.
The first major time it happened was in kindergarten when my grandmother was explaining a brain tumor to me, and I had a headache for a few days and then was so scared I had brain cancer and was going to die.
And there was a period when I was so, so scared of cancer tha I would go to bed crying.
A few weeks ago, I was in constant fear of heart attacks, and I spent hours and hours researching what I knew I didn't have, but still thought I had.
Heartburn, shortness of breath, and muscle soreness can all be anxiety smptoms, but also heart attack symptoms.
Today, I had back cramps, and I knew why I had them, and I still was stressing because I thought I had a kidney infection.
The thing is, I never tell anyone about stressing, because I know I'll get over it.
There are so many other things, like Celiac's disease, pnenomnia, and so many other things I've stressed over.
AND FINALLY.... DEREALZATION
This is an anxiety symptom I have once in a while that makes you feel like your life is a movie or you are fake or you're dreaming, and let me tell you... It's so unnerving. I'm in the middle of the worst episode I've ever had, and I've been praying and praying and praying, and it's starting to feel better, but I basically feel like I'm completely disconnected from my body.
Weird.
ANYWAY...
The worst part is that I feel like I can't tell anyone about most things. And I'm HAPPY, most of the time, but it stinks to keep it bottled up.
Thanks for reading :)
submitted by S.E.
(September 5, 2016 - 6:52 pm)
(September 5, 2016 - 6:52 pm)
Wow, that's a lot! But it probably feels good to let it all out. But... wait. Derealization. That's weird, 'cause sometimes I feel like that too! I thought it was normal, but then, there was a time when I thought being double jointed was normal too. And now I know it's not. But... AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! *starts freaking out* Do I have derealization?!?!?!?!?!??!?
(September 6, 2016 - 3:05 pm)
I'll pray for you S.E.!
To ... there's probably a difference between having Derealization and doing philosophy. Whether we're dreaming or real at all is a classic philosophy question. (Look up brains in a vat if you feel like having your mind warped.)
(September 14, 2016 - 11:18 am)
Aww, hugs are sent your way, S.E! I hope that you always feel that you can share this with us, even if you can't share it with "real" people. I think you seem to handle this all beautifully. I'm really glad you are praying; I will pray for you, too! I'm really glad That I have the privilege of knowing you on the CB. :)
(September 6, 2016 - 6:19 pm)
Oh that's too bad, SE. I bet my mom has anxiety and hypochrondria...
I don't think I have any of those, except slight dermentillomatia (I too am in a ruhs here). I've picked at my finger since I was like a toddler, and my parents have tried everything to get me to stop. They actually rarely bleed, they just look super, very.. rough. Unless you look closely, it's not very noticeable, and if I wear a bandaid I won't peel it off. But it's really upsetting my parents and in fact we've been going through a lot of drama about it lately...
(September 6, 2016 - 6:41 pm)
I've not ben doing my lue rtiual too uch the past few years, but I accidentally started a few days ago and now do it up to 8 times a day.
(September 6, 2016 - 8:18 pm)
I'm really glad you let it out S.E. and don't worry, well always be here fgor you. *hug*
The picking your finger thing sounds a lot like my picking at my lip thing, I dunno I just pick at it till it starts bleeding then let it scab over before I pick at it again.
It probably a more common thing beside the finger thing, (sorry I tried to remember but my memory is awful)
And it you ever need support just come here. :)
(September 6, 2016 - 9:34 pm)
I had dermetillomania a couple years ago. Except I'd do that to my toes. And eat it. The skin. *looks around at everybody's horrified faces* Oh, right. *GROSS-OUT ALERT*
*hugs* It's okay, S.E. We're here for you. And I'll be praying.
(September 7, 2016 - 7:20 am)
I eat the skin, too. It's disgusting.
(September 7, 2016 - 2:33 pm)
I think I have anxiety. I often feel nervous and have anxiety attacks over the summer. After a month of school and doing things to occupy my mind, it goes away. I hate it. It's happened the last two summers, but not this summer so YAY! It usually starts with me getting a stomachache or something, and then, because of my fears of throwing up, it starts an anxiety attack, and then, because I am afraid of fear, it becomes a vicious cycle and I am nervous the whole summer. BUT THAT DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN THIS YEAR YAAAAAAY!
But lately I've been worried a lot about being a selfish, awful person and only doing good deeds because they make me feel good.
You should try meditation. You don't have to be Bhuddist to do it.
(September 7, 2016 - 7:46 am)
Well, thanks for sharing. That was not meant to be sarcastic, even though it sounded like it was. But like ... said, I thouhght last one was normal... becuae that happens to me... hmm... guess not..
(September 8, 2016 - 8:24 am)
Derealazation can ONLY happen if anxiety is present. SOme people will have slight feelings of derealazation, but not over huge periods of time.
(September 9, 2016 - 5:22 pm)
Hey, we're in the same boat, S.E! At least, on the anxiety part. I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was younger, but I've been learning to somewhat maneuver around it, and not let it take away opportunities. I believe it was for social anxiety specifically, which explains why I don't handle very well around large groups or people of 3 or more even at times. But it's gotten better, I can say that much.
Also, my friend has ADHD. He handles it pretty well, although it can be a struggle I know. I've never heard of those other ones, but chances are they aren't too rare or anything. It must be great to let all that out, though! Remember, just keep going, you'll do great!
(September 9, 2016 - 8:41 pm)
My anxiety gets really bad a lot of the time because I'm an adrenilne junky, and I love doing new things and going cool places, so I'll be excited to go to a book festival, then be stressed about it for a couple weeks before hand because I don't know the people there.
(September 10, 2016 - 8:31 am)
I'm so so sorry, S.E.! D:
I'm also going to tell you and whoever commented anonymously that there is a great chance that you do NOT have Derealization. I feel unreal and disconnected all the time-- and that's a result of dehydration and exhaustion and just being a girl. I also have times when I have a strange pain and am afraid that I have cancer or something-- but then I just stop, calm down and tell myself I don't-- the pain always has a real cause that is most certainly NOT cancer in any form. I obssess over improbable catastrophes also-- and remember that it's never going to happen and that i'm just makign myself miserable pointlessly.
Remember that it's really, really common among girls our age to get freaked out over random things, and become obsessive compulsive. And in almost every case what happens is that we read or hear or see something that convinces us that we have a problem, even though we don't, thereby CREATING a problem. Just decide that you're not going to have that problem, that you're perfectly normal-- because, chances strongly indicate, you don't, and you are.
Someone once said to me: "Most of the things we worry about don't happen." I find this true.
Admin
(September 10, 2016 - 11:31 am)
No, Estelle, I am DIAGNOSED with Disrealazation and Anxiety. I will go through MONTHS of time without feeling connected at all.
It's normal to have it for a few minutes every once in awhile, but I will have month long periods were I have the constant feeling.
It's not "teenage girl freak-out," it's an actual disorder that constantly disrupts my life.
I can't just tell myself it's not cancer, I go through nights where I just stay up, so stressed I'm going to die in my sleep.
I don't just feel "un real and disconected," I feel like nothing around me is real, I'm watching a movie, and I'm completely invisible.
It's not normal to go through life with derealazation, hypochondria, ADHD, or anxiety. It's not something I can just "decide" not to have as a problem.
It's irrational.
It's not me.
I'm not wired like a normal person.
I don't obsess over IMPOSSIBLE catastrophes. I obsess over every possiblity.
As in, my mum getting in a car crash with a drunk driver because there's a bar a few streets away from my house and there are drunk crashes there often.
As in, I go to sleep worrying about having a cardiac arrest.
As in, I say, "I love you," whenever I can to my parents in case one of us dies.
There is not a great chance I don't have derealazation, it is completely verified that I do.
(September 10, 2016 - 3:43 pm)