"They're getting hooked on the doorframe... who needs drugs when you have the levitating arm trick?"

"The solution to getting rid of dark circles would be to actually freaking sleep!" "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

"What is beige?"

"Bro, my parents don't know that Kaylen's crazy. I can't have get over!"

"I never though I'd be dating the only guy in Jr. High who's parents are stricter than mine!"

"I love to sniff math"

"Does it need to be un-tall?"

"WHERE DID YOUR HAIR GO?"

"Tourmaline. Potato. Freeport. The Soviet Union." (This is a very inside joke and if you were not with my family on our last vacation you would not get why the rest of us were in tears from laughing.)

"Barum barum barum...Eileen daCross, the Asparagus!" "Is that a stripper name?" "Huh?"

"Queen of jacks!!!"

"It's TRUE LOVE!" "Ew, no. Oh, wait...nevermind."

"Sarah! You need to draw Malfoy in his turkey dress!" 

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHH—kkkk *hack* *hack* *cough*"

"*Slaps on cowboy hat* *Gallops off into the snowstorm*"

"HA! I'm going to make that into a movie ending: Cowboy gallops off into snowstorm. And since you didn't say anything about a horse, the cowboy won't have a horse, he'll just be galloping by himself."

"Nonsequitorial unicorns!"

Saw my cousin yesterday. Here are some of the things he's said.

"One more mayonnaise packet and I swear xxxx I'll slap you"

"This is why they call me the bottle flip guy" *tries to flip his gatorade bottle 4 times and misses all of them*

"So is this fort dope or nope"

"I'm a goat... DAB!"

"I'm breaking the rule, see, that sign says no smoking. I'm smoking hot"

"The hoop's on the other side, dingo butt!"

"I'm petrified of snakes. PETRIFIED."

"Any guy named Seamus should be pale and ginger. That's just how the world works" 

Beca thinks people care about her.

"OMG! Why are all of the popular girls complimenting me?! I HATE it!"

"Does this apron make me look fat?"

"I saw those nunchucks at the dollar store."

- "The bear is dead!

- "Let's see... what did I eat today? Half a pizza, six mountain dews..."

"Do you ever eat anything healthy? Like, fruit?"

"Um, do cinnamon rolls count as fruit?" 

- "Where'd the guillotine go? It was just here a minute ago..." 

- "Water is like really diet soda"

- "My piano teacher literally just texts all the time. It's like she doesn't even care!"

"Well, do you practice?"

"Um..."

- *pulls out a giant box of paper footballs*

"I wrote my life's secret inside one of these, but I forget which one... let me check..."

- "So there was this millipede, and it was crawling around on my wall, and then it went behind my desk and never came out. So now I'm afraid it's going to eat me in my sleep."

- "My new name is Dill Pickle."

- "The waffle's a lie!" 

- (coming in late to an online class) "My computer was updating. I was SO MAD. I am still SO MAD. But now I'm eating peanut butter. So it's kind of okay."

- "Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake!"

- "I hate to tell you this, but I'm pretty sure your brother is going to turn into hulk." 

"Wait, why?"

"He has a green water bottle!"

- "Wyatt, you and I are dead now."

"I hope we don't witness our own bodies being dissected." 

- Art teacher: "For our collage project you can pick a place somewhere in the world that you would like to go."

"I know! England!"

"Where in England?"

"London. To be more precise, 21 B Baker Street."

- "I'm sorry, I can't text you anymore becaues I have emojiphobia." 

These were both said today and now they’re inside jokes between me and certain family members.

“On a scale of 1 to buttery, that was a 2.” -me

”Tweet tweet, scorebird” -me