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Harry Potter Parody: All Seven HP books from Voldemort's point of view
Don't blame me...
Don't blame me for this. Blame ZNZ. Her HP parody inspired this, coupled with a question that I rolled around in my head one day when I was bored..."I wonder what HP would be like from Voldemort's point of view?"
TNO should get a big kick out of this one. ;)
WARNING: This will probably contain spoilers from all seven books, so tread carefully.
P.S. I hope you know, ZNZ, I was just joking. I'm actually thanking you for doing your HP parody and giving me the idea.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Philosopher's Stone. Whatever.
CHAPTER ONE:
Voldemort: *walks up to Potter family's house* Oh, and before you ask, the reason I'm not trying this on Neville Longbottom-well, just listen to his last name! Longbottom...I ask you...
*bursts in* I think I'll kill James Potter, even though he's a pureblood! But I might not kill Lily, despite her being Muggle-born! This is kind of out of character for me, when I think about it...ah, well, what the hey.
*kills James Potter*
*follows Lily upstairs*
Lily: Oh no, not Harry, please, not Harry, I'll do anything-
************************************************************************
ME: You know, I think we'd better gloss over this part, otherwise it might stop being funny.
Voldemort:...This is supposed to be funny? I'm murdering people!!
ME: You think it's funny.
Voldemort: Well, I'm a supervillian, aren't I?
ME: OK, good point. Back to the story.
************************************************************************
Voldemort: *tries to kill Harry*
(Part of Voldemort's soul: I like this kid. *latches on to Harry* Sh. Don't tell Voldy.)
Voldemort: OWWWWWW! That-hurt. It STILL HURTS! Yah! Gah! Ouch! Help! Gack! Fire! Help help!
After an hour or so of this...
AAAAAAAAH...hey, it doesn't hurt anymore. Where's my body?
*moment of silence*
MY BODY!!! Say, what did happen to it? JKR never really explained...
ME: That's what I'm wondering. Apparently it vaporized. Your Horcruxes worked, though, so don't complain.
Voldemort: I'm not. *drifts away* See ya in the next chapter!
So, whatcha think? I know it's not as good as ZNZ's, but...is it...passable as mildly funny?
Andy P.C. says rwmw.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
P.S. Did I mention I'm thirteen?
submitted by Wolfgirl67 (now 13!), age 13! Heheh., Right here. Oh,
(January 7, 2011 - 3:10 pm)
(January 7, 2011 - 3:10 pm)
I liked it. I thought the part with the part of Voldemort's soul saying it liked Harry was funny.
(January 7, 2011 - 6:23 pm)
TOP!
@Hannah: Well, there's one positive vote. :) Thanks for the feedback!
Andy P. C. says vndu.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(January 7, 2011 - 8:27 pm)
I confess, I squee'd when I saw the thread title. I love HP Parodies, if they're well-done. This one is. I especially love your point about the name Longbottom... who wants an archnemesis named Longbottom?
(January 7, 2011 - 8:18 pm)
@ZNZ: Hooray! You really liked it? :D
Come to think of it, who wants an archnemesis named Potter? Better than Longbottom, anyway. I think JKR was planning to keep Neville as a kind of bungling character, which is why his name was so...bland...for lack of a nicer word. Now that he's a hero, having chopped off Nagini's head, she's probably regretting his name, but what the hey. *rambles*
Anyhoo...
Chapter Two
Voldemort: Isn't this set ten years in the future?
ME: Yes.
Voldemort: So what have I been doing for the past ten years?
ME:...Don't you know?
Voldemort: No. I turned my back for maybe three hours, and when I come back, it's ten years later! By the way, I'm still a wraith/spirit/thing. Any ideas on fixing that?
ME: I'm working on it, I'm working on it. Just be quiet and get on with the story already!
************************************************************************
Voldemort: So, for some background info, because the author-
ME: Quit glaring!
Voldemort: OK, OK, fine...the author of this parody has abruptly stuck me ten years in the future without any warning whatsoever...according to the graveyard scene in GoF, I have been wandering about possessing snakes and things, which is very boring. And very disgusting.
ME: I thought you like snakes.
Voldemort: I do. But I don't like their menu. Ever tasted a mouse?
ME: OK, OK, I get your point! Just-stop talking! Eww...
Voldemort: Anyhoo...
*wanders off and just happens to find Professor Quirrell, who just happens to be a new teacher at Hogwarts, and it just happens to be the very year Harry will be going...this seems like rather a lot of coincidences, don't you think?*
*possesses Quirrell*
Quirrell: G-Gack!
Voldemort: Shut up! Do you want everyone to hear you?
Quirrell: N-No sir. W-Who are you?
Voldemort: And quit stammering! It gets on my nerves.
Quirrell: Sorry. Who are you?
Voldemort: Lord Voldemort.
Quirrell: *gasps* The evil Dark Lord? He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? HELP! FIRE! MURDER!
Voldemort: Be quiet! I'm not evil!
Quirrell:...Are you being sarcastic?
Voldemort: No, I'm lying through my teeth. Can't you tell?
Quirrell: Oh.
Voldemort: BUT-so that you will do what you were supposed to in the canon-you will randomly choose to believe every word I say.
Quirrell: I have randomly chosen to believe every word you say.
Voldemort: Very good! Now...*adopts mystic voice* There is no good and evil. There is only power, and those too weak to seek it...
Quirrell: Why do you sound as if you're breathing through your mouth while you're talking?
Voldemort: That was my mystic voice! Couldn't you tell?
Quirrell: No. *changes subject* Do you really believe that about there being no good and evil?
Voldemort: Of course not! But you do.
Quirrell:...I do? Why?
Voldemort: *talks through teeth* Because you have randomly chosen to believe every word I say, remember?
Quirrell: Oh yeah! *snaps fingers*
Voldemort: Good. Now. You will memorize what I just told you, and when, at the end of the book, you confront Harry Potter and start talking about me possessing you, you will say it to him.
Quirrell: OK. There is no good and-
Voldemort: Not out loud!
Quirrell: Oh. OK. Just out of curiosity...where the heck are you?
Voldemort: Attached to the back of your head.
Quirrell: The back of my-!
Voldemort: Don't worry about it! I'll be gone by the end of the book.
Quirrell: OK. So, whatcha wanna talk about?
Voldemort: Nothing. Act normal.
Quirrell: O-Okay. L-Like this?
Voldemort: Exactly. And go buy a turban.
End of Chapter Two! Tomorrow I'll do Chapter Three. Keep telling me what you think!
Andy P. C. says zxvx.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(January 7, 2011 - 9:15 pm)
One Word: Hilarious! I love reading it!
(January 8, 2011 - 12:47 pm)
@Elizabeth M.: Thanks! :) Hope you enjoy Chapters Three-Five.
@ZNZ: BTW, shouldn't you be working on your own parody?
Andy P. C. says vmkv.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(January 8, 2011 - 3:11 pm)
Really clever people want Longbottoms as their arch-nemeses. It keeps your other, more important enemies from taking the Chosen One seriously, and then during the political campaign you can slide in subtle jokes about it to further destabilize your nemesis' PR factions. PLUS imagine the social stigma such a nemesis would grow up under, probably being teased about it in school and therefore have abnormally low self-esteem, causing them to doubt their own abilities and overestimate yours, thus making them prone to paralytic fear and cowardice. And if you kept them alive and merely pretended to barely lose battles you could keep them as a figurehead for the oppressed populace so that no other, more formidable Chosen Ones could crop up to fill the vacuum they'd leave behind if you killed them (as you would be forced to do to a competent opponent).
It's all very sensible if you think about it.
(January 7, 2011 - 10:10 pm)
...Sometimes you really frighten me, TNÖ. XD But this all makes perfect sense.
(January 8, 2011 - 8:36 am)
What?
...Oh yeah, and I love the post itself Wolfgirl. "No, I'm lying through my teeth. Can't you tell?" win.
(January 8, 2011 - 3:09 pm)
It's just the way you say these things. It gives me the feeling you're planning out your world conquest.
@Wolfgirl: Fine, fine. Putting up chapter three now.
(January 8, 2011 - 8:09 pm)
@TNO:...I never thought about that before. Maybe Voldemort isn't as clever as he would like everyone to believe. :S
What did you think of the parody? ;)
Chapter Three-Five
Voldemort: Why are we doing three whole chapters in one post again?
ME: Because in the book, from three to five all we see is Harry. That's why.
Voldemort: In Chapter Two, all we see is Harry.
ME: True. But from Quirrell's speech at the end of the book, we get a rough idea of what you were up to.
Voldemort: OK, fine, you win. This should go by awfully quickly.
************************************************************************
Voldemort: I'm bored.
Quirrell: I know that. You've said it twenty-seven times today alone.
Voldemort: All I get to look at is the inside of a purple turban. Have I told you that I hate the color purple? Especially this shade of it.
Quirrell: You were the one who wanted me to buy a turban in the first place.
Voldemort: I expected you to buy a white turban, not a purple one!
Quirrell: Oh, quit complaining. I'm the one who has to look like an idiot wearing this purple turban all day.
Voldemort: At least you're not stuck on the back of an idiot's head.
Quirrell:...Was that an insult?
Voldemort: My point exactly!
ME: OK, you two. On to Chapter Four!
Quirrell: I know. Quit complaining already.
Voldemort: I'm bored.
Quirrell: Yes, we've had this conversation before.
Voldemort: Is that any way to speak to your master?
Quirrell: In case you hadn't noticed, I'm the one walking, eating, and holding a wand, so for the most part, I'm your master.
Voldemort: You were a lot different in the original SS/PS.
Quirrell: That would be because this is a parody.
Voldemort: Oh yeah! *attempts to snap fingers* Oh drat, I don't have any fingers to snap. Snap yours.
Quirrell: Why...?
Voldemort: Because I said so!
ME: Since I'm sick of your constant arguing, we will move on to Chapter Five, in which Harry shows up because Hagrid took him to the Leaky Cauldron.
Voldemort: We're in the Leaky Cauldron?
Quirrell: Um, yeah. Didn't you know?
Voldemort: All I can see is purple!
ME: Chapter Five!
Voldemort: I'm-
Quirrell: Ooh, look it, it's Harry Potter!
Voldemort: Where? Where?
Quirrell:...Use Leglammerlocky.
Voldemort: Legilimency.
Quirrell: Whatev. *shakes Harry's hand*
Voldemort:...You sure it's been ten years?
Quirrell: Yeah, he's eleven. Why?
Voldemort: He still looks like he's about one. Just scrawnier.
Harry: That would be because my aunt and uncle locked me in a cupboard under the stairs for ten years.
Voldemort: What intelligent, wonderful people! Who says Muggles are all bad?
Harry:...Thanks very much. I will now forget about you, so that I have no idea that Quirrell is a sinister, evil man.
Quirrell: There is no good and-
Voldemort: Not yet!
Quirrell: Oh. Sorry.
ME: End of chapter!
Still like it?
Andy P. C. says botd.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(January 8, 2011 - 3:07 pm)
This is great!
(January 8, 2011 - 9:31 pm)
*sings opera* LOVED IT
(January 9, 2011 - 12:18 pm)
@ALD: Thank you very much! :)
@Elizabeth M.: OK, what do you think of Chapter Six? ;)
Chapter Six
Quirrell: *aided by Voldemort, breaks into Gringotts*
Voldemort: Grab the Stone and let's get out of here!
Quirrell: Erm...that might be harder than you think.
Voldemort: Why not?
Quirrell: They took the Stone back to Hogwarts.
Voldemort: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
LATER:
Voldemort: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *pants*
ME: You know, you do that "screaming in rage" thing rather often. Most people roar, but you must scream. It makes you sound like an angry toddler.
Voldemort: Shut up.
LATER:
Voldemort: So, where are we going?
Quirrell: To Platform 9 3/4. Now be quiet, or all the Muggles will think I'm mad.
Voldemort: All the wizards will think you're mad.
Quirrell: Exactly. So shut up.
Random Muggle Woman Who Was Talking To Her Friend: I beg your pardon?!
Quirrell: Erm...sorry. *leaves hurriedly*
*boards train*
Quirrell: Say, Voldy-
Voldemort: Great and Wonderful Master!
Quirrell: Fine, Great and Wonderful Master.
Voldemort:...Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?
Quirrell: No. *changes subject* Say, Great and Wonderful Master, what do I tell people when they ask me why I'm wearing a turban?
Voldemort: Erm...uh...just...tell them it was a gift from an African prince for getting rid of some zombies.
Quirrell: That doesn't sound very plausible to me. P-Poor st-stuttering Professor Q-Quirrell, getting r-rid of z-zombies?
Voldemort: Hurriedly change the subject.
Train Attendant: Anything off the cart?
Quirrell: Oooh, Pumpkin Pasties! I'll take five of them, thanks very much.
Voldemort:...Mind sharing? Only I love Pumpkin Pasties...
Quirrell: Sorry, can't. You're a spirit/wraith/thing. It would be impossible.
Voldemort: Oh...drat. The sooner I get a new body, the happier I'll be.
ME: New body? In GoF, it's your old one...
Voldemort: You know what I mean.
ME: Chapter Seven ahoy!
This one isn't quite as polished and funny, but I hope you like it anyway! :)
Andy P. C. says aprr. No, Andy, it's January, not April.
~Wolfgirl67 signing off.
(January 9, 2011 - 7:18 pm)
Don't be so modest! That was hilarious. Voldemort is more of a lunitic than a *uses deep voice* scary dark lord. I wanted to do a Twilight parody but I don't know if it'll be funny so I gave up on the idea.
(January 10, 2011 - 8:52 am)