“Welcome to Contest It TV, a show about contests, every type! I’m your host, Cricket. The contests will include skateboarding, baseball, and gardening! Let’s acknowledge Zoot, playing the background music. First up, we have skateboarding. Marty and Ugly Bird will be competing. Marty loves action! (And pizza.) She’s a girl, which not many people know. Ugly Bird likes to eat bugs . . . shiver. And a little-known fact is that he’s married to another bird, Celeste! Anyway, let’s applaud Marty! (And Ugly Bird.)”

Ugly Bird said, “Ooglie Burd iz best!”

Marty and Ugly Bird got into position. The judges watched on the sidelines, while Zoot played intense music. The countdown started. “3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .” They were off at “go.” Poor Ugly Bird, he broke his skateboard as soon as he stepped on it, disqualifying him! Marty had won, but she still wanted to show everyone what she had! She almost got a perfect ten from all the judges. She got a blue ribbon. Ugly Bird got a silver one.

“Next up,” said Cricket, “we have baseball! And what do you know! It’s Sluggo and . . . Ugly Bird? To make it even weirder, there’s only one person on each team . . . ? Is this even baseball? Anyway, Sluggo likes sports, especially baseball! And a little-known fact is that he never did track. . . . Not surprising, eh? And Ugly Bird, well, you already heard about him.”

They got into position, which took a long time because Sluggo is a snail, of course. He would bat first. Ugly would try to catch it, then tag him. Ugly would also pitch. He threw the ball, and Sluggo hit it. Ugly tried to get the ball, but because of his talons this was hard. Sluggo made a home run! Ugly tried to bat, but it broke in his hands. Good riddance, Ugly!

“Next up, gardening! George and Tail, and . . . Ugly. Enough descriptions. Let’s start!” George and Tail went first. They had perfect flowers, roses and hydrangeas. Ugly went next. His garden was just piles of trash.

There was a clear winner. “George and Tail, please receive your blue badge. Congrats, Marty, Sluggo, and George and Tail!