Haha, thank you so much Hex! Glad you enjoyed it so much! I was really nervous about posting this since it is so interwoven with my personal life.

And yeah, the whole "I'm not enough" and "You deserve more" is just... a deeply-seeded insecurity I carry. I knew it would sound stupid and needy and attention-seeky whilst casting nothing close to the ugliness of what it actually feels like, but I really truly can't express it in better words right now. Believe me, I know it better than anyone else. But you can also be told and 'know' something's not "true" true, but still have that core-trembling mental dissonance, also knowing that it absolutely holds a bit of truth too.

Like, I try to picture being with this person in any way closer than passing friends and it just... Doesn't work. Like, at all. There's so much that I lack that others have easily; why would anyone ever choose the sub-optimal option? Who in their right mind wants to step down from their comfortable life to be in a close relationship with a broken person from a broken family, who's been clutched tight in the fist of poverty and its desperate mindset since birth? Especially when surrounded by literal millionaires and other well-to-do, highly educated people with better looks, sharper (and sounder) minds and more healthy connections and emotional management? I know it sounds cliché, but literally. That's not even a real choice for most people, just an open path vs. a dead-end. It's no competition to be had.

All the people who do like me alright only know me through some kind of mask, anyway (and the ones who've gotten closest fo seeing me without -- that mainly bring my direct family -- hate me for it). Anyhow, we all know (or ought to) that those pretenses don't last long in healthy long-term relationships of any kind, for better or worse. That's not to say there isn't a genuine aspect to what y'all know of me, but it's more like a filter. I put a lot of effort into letting my good attributes show, while holding back as many my short-comings as possible with a razor-thin web, as do most. But when there are so many crushingly glaring issues with a single person, you quickly start to wonder whether they're worth even trying to justify. Why persue a huge, blaring red-flag-riddled prospect (even if they do have some good points) when you can play it safe and be go someone who's more stable? I mean, even described like this it's still hard to convey just how seriously twisted it all is.

In the end, I just want this kid to be happy. And stability more-often-than-not leads to just that. I am the polar opposite of stability, and so -- logically -- they deserve better, rather than the mess of a potato that I have to offer.

~~~~~ 

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I'm just in the middle of processing a lot, so don't worry I'm not mad or terribly/dangerously insecure or anything like that rn. Just in a bit of a "talk-back and try to explain myself" kind of mood. I still out some value in myself, but I also believe that value is very much relative. I might find myself to be good enough to live with, but that doesn't mean I'm worth anything to other people, especially the ones I tend to pedestalize, since they are so much more impressive. In my opinion, that's fine. They don't need to value me, even if it does cause a twinge of pain on my end of things. That's just life for you.

...Thank you for coming to my TedTalk lol

This is... the most raw and emotional thing I've read in a really long time. You have such a way with words (cliche, I know, but it's true), and the way you're able to make me see every scene and feel the emotions of everyone... wow. Your writing is beautiful <3

Also, right now I'm traveling through the screen and hugging you and saying that you also deserve better and no matter what happens I care about you deeply as someone who I have known for more than two years and who I consider to be a friend. I'm also really struggling with my self worth right now, so I can kind of understand, how it's buried so deep that it's not discernible from everything else, but I just want you to know that this will always be a safe place for you and I'll always be here, too. I hope you stay safe and healthy and hopefully this paragraph wasn't too weird of me to say lol

This is on point. I see everything so clearly in my mind and it hurts and it's so powerful. My personal favorite lines are There's no point in letting these venom-filled moths/(yes they bloomed into moths, not butterflies)/eat away at my insides anymore, now is there? I felt that it my soul. Thank you for gracing the CB with this amazing work. It's one of the best things I've read in a while <3

Yesss thank you for the advice! I think I'll try to do that someday soon if I can manage to pluck up the courage... *nervousness increases by tenfold*

More than anything, I appreciate the kindness though! Love ya for taking the time to reply Sterling <3