The words flow around my head

Swirling twisting, the words are said

Notes of song

Nothing is wrong

As the sounds fills the air

High and low

The singing will go

Dancing hands and feet

On instruments, for the beat

As songs spin me around

Feelings swish through

Over the city, for me and you

Love and joy, sorrow and pain

Emotions tumble down the lane

Down the street of music

Barnacles

~~~~~

They cling on for dear life

And yet I envy their apparent assuredness

Bitterly I wonder if they are the cause

Behind every unattributed sinking

Of such beautiful vessels, now skeletons

Howling husks at the bottom of the Ocean.

I wonder if Whales ever feel the way I do

When burdened down with unnecessary weight

That does not belong to themselves.

Do they wish their bosoms were clear and flat,

Dream of scrubbing and filing their fins and tails to fine points

Wish that their ancestors were not such inefficient creatures

Who lived only due to the fat that now sinks us when above the water’s surface?

Would they spend hours toiling, bleeding onto a page

For so achingly few eyes to see and understand?

Do they yearn for a time

When they can sprout wings and take joyous flight

Far away from the Ocean that birthed them.

Far away from the lands that did everything in their power to bury them.

Far away from everyone and everything,

Maybe then they would have peace.

Maybe then they wouldn’t need to scrape their flesh raw

Feeling the latches of yet more flight-leeches.

Maybe then they could abandon this cursed corporeal form

And become something more. 

Something more

Sincere, more true, more real.

Something that doesn’t need a shell to protect itself

From the harsh waves and ever-tearing current

Something that needs not to rely upon parasitism

To survive and stay afloat.

Something more.

Something grander.

Something past barnacles and pain

And weight and shape

Something beyond the physical realm.

~~~~~~~~~~ 

Can you tell I’m not terribly fond of barnacles? They represent so many aspects of discomfort for me; partially having to do with gender/physical dysphoria, as well as lack of consent and the idea of insidiously feeding off of another organism. Also, as a trypophobic (particularly triggered by that very bulbous, protrude-y look, blek), they just skeeve me out in a way that is hard to rationalise in the slightest.

I've always wondered

What drowning feels like

I don't know the feeling of burning nostrils

Or panicked gush of swallowing liquid salt instead of air

And cannot imagine not idolising the Ocean

Welcoming her icy embrace and dreaming

Of the day she will take me

Away

I've always wondered

If someday I could fly

Maybe I already have

Every fall from consciousness and step into the future

A separation of the soul and body that sets me freer

Perhaps these wings I imagine when I bind myself

Squeezing the air out of my chest and crushing my ribs

Is all that stops me from floating away

After all

We’re so close

And yet so very far 

Apart

Will I ever escape?

~~~~~~~~~~

This is actually an older one I never published, but I also edited a bit so I can post it (hopefully) without getting censored. :/

i’m like a shark – vicious 

gotta keep

moving always

afraid that if i stop everything 

will catch up and i’ll 

simply

fall

a p a r t .

if 

i stop moving if

the endless rush slows even

a little then 

what will stop

my mind from finding

the echoes in this deafening

silence everything will 

crash down and crush

me to 

s m i t h e r e e n s .

if i get a chance

to catch my breath heaven 

knows how my lungs will ever 

take another and I

just know my legs will refuse to 

carry me a single step 

more so i 

let myself

p l u m m e t

down

down

down

faster until i’m just 

light speeding downhill forever 

too fast to 

feel too determined to

fall while i’m still 

here i pretend 

that everything 

is ok even

when we all know

it’s not it’s 

fine we promise it’s 

fine we lie 

through our broken 

teeth and masked up

lips pulled

tight to always smile.

it’s fine we tell

ourselves every night crying

smiling tears our hearts

screaming

i t ’ s  n o t  f i n e .

to the sandbox friends

who i met once in parks on summer days,

you have created

both the sunlight and the void deep within me

and i never knew your names

but i carry you always

in my mourning for my long-dead joys. 

I finally hit the bottom of this

valley. Finally crunched and crumpled

Like tarnished note cards

And I smile ouside but now it 

falters. Every now and again I break

into bursts of tears. But 

at the same time it feels freer. Like I'm

One

Step 

Closer

To the inferno 

Where I belong.

Gone, and deep beneath the ground, in fact 

I've thought about spelunking before.

It kind of suits me.

Far away from prying eyes,

Too far away to hurt another soul

Too far away to be hurt as well. 

Safe and lightless and tight 

And maybe there I can become something more.

Or maybe I'll be nothing at all, and perhaps

that

is even

better. 

I saw what happened the first

Time, I don’t know why I chose

To soften that blow, to not strike

Hard and sure and ruthless

A moment of pain to forever save the

Cracked veins and a fragile visage that

We hide behind. I don’t know why

I melted, my iron fist dripping oozing hot metal

And scalding you even worse than a clean hit.

I should’ve left it be, but I was lonely

And it’s truly all my fault; I realise that

It splattered everyone around us too.

I’ve hurt you all, so badly.

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made 

that single request.

I should’ve slapped and let it sting

And that would’ve been 

the end of it.

I should have listened to the cold voice

of reason and moved on,

Let you move on 

to the better life you deserve.

I was foolish, and it cost us all dearly. 

I’m truly sorry.

~~~~~ 

Let's pretend this is just an OC talking :))) 

I just let the tears

out at this point if I cry

I cry and there's nothing more

to say I like to pretend it hurts less

than it did then funny how things work out

like that twisted sense of humour

the universe's got I think

my warped sense of

self is just made worse

by this I don't even know I can

only laugh because it's kinda funny 

but actually maybe that's just what

hurting feels like and I'm even more broken

knowing how much it hurts you

I wish I was the only one who could feel see

I'm still selfish but I will gladly hand you all the happiness

and cannot bear to see you in the pain I've steeped

in my whole life perhaps that is the problem

maybe i just needed more of it or maybe i'm just

way too selfish like no I definitely am

it's really my fault and I wish you weren't so nice

so you don't have to feel like this is your burden at all

because it's really not

I just hope you are able to move on from this

and live happy and healthy 

and without me

I pray you will 

please

I haven't been on here for a while because I'm ridiculously busy at the moment, but here's a poetry dump! how's everyone been??

oh darling,

the clock is ticking,

loud and clear.

you,

sixteen years old,

sixteen years too late,

drenched in the stench of small town,

dirt dusting your hands.

you,

lake water in your lungs,

rattlesnake in your ribcage,

honey in your hair,

just hang your head and

lock your lips.

don't you see?

you're already too late.

you,

scabby knees,

scrappy smiles,

slipshod style,

doomed to a life of

scratched up elbows and

stitched up clothes.

you, chest heaving,

heavy breathing,

whispered prayers of leaving.

oh darling,

why do you run?

don't you see?

you'll never catch up. 

(the prompt for this was "about a childhood fear")

oh yes,

there is a mountain lion outside my window.

you don't hear it?

its shrieks slip through the cracks in the wall,

slithering into my ears

like a rattler creeping into a gopher hole.

its claws drag themselves across the window box,

engraving fear into the peeling paint.

look closer--

its shadow is crawling through the battered window screen.

sharp teeth,

jagged like the edges of a bread knife,

a long tail,

curled like a snake ready to pounce.

listen,

its low growl echoes around the room,

crawls beneath my skin,

encircles my pounding heart--

the lion goes still.

leans back,

digs a claw into the carpet,

and starts to pounce.

I see it in the air,

glowing eyes pouring into mine--

the lightswitch flips up,

floods the room,

and it dissolves.

(just not before its claws pierce my cheek)

today I saw a girl walk to the top of my driveway,

which is unusual because I live on the side of a mountain.

most people don't have the conviction

to climb up our endless dirt road.

(I think it's funny because we aren't actually too far

from the little mess of a place we call a town,

yet the miles of dirt make it feel like you've driven

deep into another world where only

deer and stray cats and dead grass lives.

maybe funny isn't the right word.

it is funny, I guess.

just in the way people say funny because no other word quite fits.)

it was sprinkling outside too,

the remnants of a storm in the high country

that tumbled down to the foothills.

she had on a blue rain jacket and

when she reached the end of the road,

she took a picture of the trees.

(I think this is the first time since spring

that the trees have looked alive. 

the summers here are thick and dry and lonely,

especially for the trees.

I bet they still remember the years when

summers didn't bring smoke and sadness,

when the wildflowers didn't wilt in the heat.

when I was little,

I used to wonder if the trees hated it here as much as I did,

which is sad because they could never leave.)

I watched the girl from my bedroom window,

crouching so that the dying rhododendron bush in the front

would block my face.

the girl tilted her head up to the sky,

her hood slipping off,

letting the rain freckle her face.

she looked happy.

at peace.

she never looked my way,

which I don't know why I was upset about.

she'd never have seen me anyway

behind that dying bush.